Walk Into Me

by Jill Prand

  “I’m going to go for a drive and think things through.” I go and get my purse and my jacket. “I’m taking my phone, but I’m turning it off. If anyone calls just tell them I will get back to them later.” I walk out the door not waiting for either of them to answer me. I need to get out, to think. I need the water. I brought the keys to Brad’s boat. Not that I would take it out this late; it would be dark by the time I turned around and I don’t know the river well enough anymore to feel safe piloting in the dark. I can just sit on it and let the sounds of the river help me think.

  It’s not here; Brad must have gone for a run. He needs to think, too, great minds think alike. Well, I’ll just sit here until he gets back. Hopefully by that time I will have some answers for myself and him.

  Brad

  The sun has gone down and I made it to the station to fill up the tanks before they closed. If I had missed them I would have had to dock and hoof it the four miles back to my house. I love riding down the river at night. Looking into people’s lives lit from within their homes. Seeing a family sit down to dinner, how I want that. I wonder if I would make a better parent than mine. Well, I couldn’t be much worse. I would never play favorites, that’s for sure, and corporal punishment is definitely out. I’m a pretty even keeled guy; I go with the flow. I can’t imagine anything a kid could do to deserve taking a belt to them.

  I shake my head to get away from the memories of my childhood. Lisa never called. Does that mean Bobby is still there? Has she told him about the feelings she has? Will he talk her out of exploring those feelings? I hope not. Everything I’ve ever wanted was in my arms earlier and I would give anything to make it happen again. I thought about calling John to check on her, but he and Jodi are stuck in the middle enough. I don’t want to put any pressure on either of them to pick sides. I think Jodi would like to see Lisa and me together, but she will support her in whatever she chooses to do and John will as well. I just hope when Lisa needs to talk they are both there for her. No matter what happens I will always listen to Lisa and be her friend, at least that is my intention. If she breaks my heart this time, I don’t know if I will be able to get over it.

  My running lights illuminate the river in front of me, the water looks black and cold. That was my mood for a long time after Lisa walked away with Bobby, but now there is a ray of hope in the horizon. Lisa wants me, there is no way she could fake her response to me today. And it was me she was responding to, not Bobby. Not like that night so long ago. I know she was thinking of him, I just wish that part of her could have felt me there with her. That we were both there together, that her body was mine that night instead of his.

  I’m about a quarter mile from my dock and it looks like there is something there. Did I leave something on the dock? No, I didn’t bring any of my usual gear with me when I got on so the only thing on the dock should be my lines. As I get closer I can make out that it is a person sitting on the edge. It’s Lisa. Swinging her legs off the edge she waves at me, I wave back. What is she doing here and why not call me and let me know? I would have come right back for her. Maybe she hasn’t been here that long. She would know I wouldn’t stay out too late in the dark.

  “Hey,” I call to her. “How long have you been here?” I start to turn the boat to dock and she stands up.

  “A couple of hours,” she says as she picks up the rear line to get it ready for me. “I needed to think and this was the best place I knew.” If this was high school she would have sat on her own dock until she was frigid or had worked out what was bothering her. That she is still here means she either hasn’t worked it out or that she decided to wait for me. I’m hoping for the latter.

  “Did you get everything worked out?” That’s a broad question, but I don’t want to specifically ask about Bobby yet; I’m scared of her answer.

  “Not really, but I do need to talk to you.” She is hedging, as well, there is something she doesn’t want to say. God, I hope that doesn’t mean she is turning her back on me again. I take the line from her and tie up the back. She grabs the front line and jumps on to secure it. We work so well together on the boat; we’ve had lots of practice over the years.

  She turns to me when she is done. “Can we go to your place? I’m freezing and need to get warm.”

  Hell, yes she can come over! “Yeah. Sure.” I hold my hand out to her to help her off and jump out after her, putting my arm around her shoulder. “I’ll make us some hot chocolate. I think I even have marshmallows.”

  Lisa turns and looks up at me with a smile. “That sounds really good. Thanks.” I want to kiss her lips. Earlier I would have, but now I’m not sure if I will be welcome. God, I really hate this uncertainty. Will I ever feel like I’m on even ground with her?

  Like she senses my thoughts she stops and turns in front of me, “I really want to kiss you right now, but I think we should talk first.” With that she turns on her heel and starts walking to her car. “I’ll meet you at your house.”

  I stand there frozen. She wants to kiss me! She wants to talk first, but left it like we will be kissing after that. I can’t stop the smile that has emerged on my face. I practically run to my truck; shit, I could run the half mile to my house and still beat her there! This has got to mean she talked to Bobby and while I hope for her sake he took it well, I can’t help but hope he walked out the door.

  Getting out of the truck in my driveway I wait for her to walk to me. She’s walking to ME! I take her hand when she is close enough and draw her in for a hug. I need to feel her in my arms to smell her scent envelop me. I place my lips to her hair and whisper, “I’m glad you’re here.” She shivers. She must be cold and here I am making her stay outside. I break away and take her hand again to lead her into my house. I turn on the lights and we make our way into the kitchen. I strip off my jacket and put it on the back of a chair then proceed to fill up the tea kettle and put it on to heat. I pull out a couple of mugs and go to the pantry to find the cocoa and marshmallows.

  Lisa has taken off her jacket and hopped up on the counter next to the stove. She is holding her hands close to the kettle to warm them and smiles at me as I walk back in. “I forgot how the dampness seeps into a body so quickly.”

  I grab her hands and rub mine over them. “I’ll warm you up.”

  She smiles mischievously at me as she opens her legs and pulls me closer, then she takes her hands from mine and quickly pulls up my tshirt putting her cold hands on my lower back. I arch towards her away from her ice cold hands causing my chest to push into hers. “Body heat is the best thing to warm up with,” she laughs at me. I have to touch her; I put my hand on her cheek and my lips are on hers. My tongue delves into her open mouth, tasting her. She tastes like peppermint and her, a lethal combination. My other arm goes around her back and brings her to the edge of the counter. I really want her to wrap her legs around me, to anchor my body to her like she has my heart.

  The whistle from the kettle blows and we jump apart from the interruption. As I reach to turn off the heat I can’t take my eyes off her and my fingers find the burner instead of the switch. “Ow!” I pull my hand away and Lisa grabs my wrist.

  She eases off the counter and kisses my fingers as she reaches for the sink. She turns on the cold water and pushes my hand underneath the flow, “Can’t even boil water,” she laughs.

  “Hey, I was distracted,” I tell her finally looking at my fingers. They are red but no blisters which is a blessing. Damn, this is going to hurt like hell for a while.

  Lisa turns and shuts off the burner and proceeds to make our hot chocolates as I stand there with the cold water still running over my fingers. I don’t want to move, but I shut off the water when I hear her stirring the cups. I reach into the cabinet next to the sink where I keep all the first aid stuff and pull out the Neosporin.

  “No,” Lisa says as she takes the Neosporin out of my hands. “Leave it dry. The best thing is to soak it in water then cover it with a clean loose bandage. Do you have Advil or Tylenol
for the pain?” She asks as she puts the Neosporin away.

  “There should be Advil in there,” I tell her as I make my way to the fridge. “I’ll put some ice on it.”

  “Don’t do that either,” she says shaking a couple of pills out of the bottle. “That just restricts blood flow to the area which will slow the healing process. Here take these.” She hands me the pills then turns and fills a bowl with water. “Come sit down at the table and just let it soak. We need to talk anyway.”

  I follow her to the table and put my hand in the water. “How did the talk with Bobby go?” She looks down at her hands and I can see her steeling herself, that’s not a good sign. What the hell, with the way she just kissed me in the kitchen I was expecting a different reaction to the question.

  “I didn’t tell him.” Her voice is practically a whisper. “He is leaving for an op tonight. He’ll be gone for a while and I didn’t want him thinking about anything but keeping himself safe.” Her eyes look up at mine, begging for understanding. Hell, what fucking bad timing! This time Bobby wins without even trying. She’ll never put his life in danger and if she told and something happened to him, she would never forgive herself. So where does that leave us? She takes my hand, “I know it’s not fair to you.”

  Stopping her I say, “I understand, Lisa. I’m willing to wait, but please tell me that we will still see each other. I don’t want you worrying alone and I know you will worry until he’s back.”

  “I’m not shutting you out, Brad. I don’t think I could if I tried. We just need to take things slow until I can talk to him. I’m asking you to be patient. It’s a shitty thing to request from you since I know you’ve waited so long, but I’m asking anyway.”

  Staring into her pleading eyes there is no way I deny her. I want her with everything in me. I would give my life for this woman; a little more time won’t kill me. I am going to win her in the end. I have to. I release her hand and run the back of my fingers down her cheek, “I’m not going anywhere, Lisa. I’m here for you, I’ll always be here for you. If you need time I’ll give it to you, but please don’t ask me to stay away. That I won’t do.” She launches herself into my lap, causing the water from the bowl to spill onto the table, but I don’t care. Her arms are wrapped around me, holding me tight and nuzzling her face into my neck. I hold her to me with both arms, the pain in my fingers forgotten. This is where I want her, forever.

  Lisa

  He’s the best thing in my life. I ask and he’s always come through for me. I feel like shit asking him to wait when I know it’s killing him. The love in his eyes overwhelms me. Was it always there? How did I not react to it before? Have I really been that closed off since Bobby left that first time? Not letting anyone get close like Jodi said. The guilt of pushing him away for so long weighs heavy on my chest. He didn’t deserve that. He deserves someone who will love him openly and give him her whole self. I don’t know if I can do that. So why does it feel so right to sit here in his arms. I want to stay like this forever.

  The stubble on his neck against my forehead makes me want to rub my whole face against him, to suck that stubble into my mouth and feel it on my tongue. I want to make him moan like he did earlier on my bed. My nipples are hardening at the thought. His hands are pressing me closer to him while running up and down my back and over my hair. He tilts his head, pressing it to the top of mine and I just can’t stop myself, I have to taste him. My tongue runs up over his Adam’s apple to his jaw and suck on his jawbone right below his ear. I can feel him hardening under my leg as he fists his hand in my hair pulling gently. He turns his head and his lips find my mouth, plunging his tongue to meet mine. He moans into my mouth and my panties are instantly drenched. I hear myself mewling like a cat in heat and that’s just what I feel like. I want to rub myself against him, to get rid of the now insistent pulse of my clit. I bring my hands around to run up over his abs and pecs. Damn I wish his shirt would just disintegrate. One of my hands finds his hair while I lightly scratch at his stubble with the other. My body is on fire for him; I can feel perspiration seeping from the pores on my chest. I want him to lick it off me, to take my nipples into his mouth and suck.

  Hunter Hayes Storm Warning blaring from my phone interrupts us. I jerk myself from him, “That’s Bobby. He said he would call me before he took off.” I stand up and pull the phone out of my pocket. I take a long soothing breath before I answer to try and slow my heart rate. I walk into the living room for some privacy. “Hey, babe.”

  “Hi baby, I miss you already.” I can hear the guys behind him and I know they are about to take off. “I miss you, too, Bobby; please be careful.” I don’t know how military wives do this. Bobby is only supposed to be gone a week or so I can’t imagine sending him away for months, I would lose my mind.

  “I will, Lisa. Don’t worry I’ll be back before you know it. I love you.” I know this is the last time I will talk to him for a while. “I love you, Bobby,” I manage as tears start to fall from my eyes. I’ll miss him, but right now I’m feeling guilty. He thinks everything is perfect with us, but he owns only half my heart. The other half is here with Brad.

  “I’ve gotta go, baby. I will try to call before we get into it, but I can’t promise.”

  “I just want you safe, Bobby, don’t worry about me. Do what you need to and come home,” I sniffle.

  “Lisa, don’t cry. I will be home to you in no time. Maybe we’ll go away for New Years, would you like that?” Would I like that? I don’t know anymore. I have to get off the phone, I can’t deal with him right now the guilt is pressing down on me. “Bobby just get home before we start making plans,” I tell him.

  Bobby laughs, “Baby, I will be there before you know it and just wait ‘til you see what I got you for Christmas.”

  Ugh Christmas. I had promised Bobby I would put the tree up and decorate his place while he was gone. He thinks I’ll be staying at his place during the week, but I don’t think I will. Accomplishing the decorating will have to get done, he gave me his credit card to buy the decorations. Maybe I can get one of the interns at work to help me. “I can’t wait for you to see what I got you either.”

  “Does it involve lace and skin?” His voice drops down. I hear one of the guys behind him call his name. “I really have to go now, Lisa. I love you and I will be home soon.”

  “I love you, too, Bobby,” I tell him, but the line is already dead. He’s gone and I probably won’t hear from him until he is on his way home. He promised me that this time he would call me as soon as they were all safe so I didn’t worry more.

  I stand there for a few minutes, trying to pull myself together before going back to Brad. I know Brad will be supportive, but my relationship with Bobby hurts him and I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I love Brad, I just need to give myself and him time to find out how much I love him, if what we have or could have is bigger than what I share with Bobby. I love Bobby, too. The pull to him has always been there from the first time I ran into him. He is what I’ve wanted for the last seven years of my life. Now that we are together though I feel myself keeping a part of me hidden from him. I know he’s keeping something from me.

  I don’t want to lose either one of them, hurting them because I can’t bear to be without them. No matter what, I will end up hurting someone, and ripping a piece of my heart out at the same time. I don’t know if I can let either of them go. It may come down to which one walks away from me.

  Enough. I have to get back to Brad. Walking into kitchen I notice Brad’s not here. The door to the back yard is askew so I walk out. Brad is sitting on a bench staring out into his yard. He looks sad and I wonder how often he’s in this same position and if I’m the cause. I stand behind him and run my fingers through his hair causing him to jump and turn to me. “I didn’t hear you come out.” He grabs my hand and pulls me around onto his lap. “Everything okay?”

  Looking into his eyes I realize how much I’ve always loved them. His eyes aren’t the mischievous blue like Bobby
’s. Brad’s eyes are solid aqua, somewhere between blue and green like the water in the ocean by the shore. Searching his eyes for his feelings, I want to know if he is strong enough to see this through because this is going to be a choppy ride. We’ll be lucky if a tsunami sized wave doesn’t drown us all. “He’s gone,” I state. “Brad I don’t know how to do this. I want you both and I know in the end I will hurt one of you, but right now I cannot choose and I feel like shit.” Yeah that tsunami wave, that’s me. I’m going to capsize all our lives. I just don’t know how to stop it now that it’s in motion.

  Brad

  She’s talking to him on the phone. She’s not going to tell him until he gets back from whatever job he’s doing. I really do need to tell her that he’s not the security guy she thinks he is. Well, that’s not entirely true. His firm does do security but it is just a cover for their real work. They do the jobs that the Defense Department can’t get approved through the legal channels. They go in and rescue the soldiers and operatives that get caught behind enemy lines.

  I promised Jimmy I would never tell Lisa what Bobby does. He said that it is Bobby’s place to do that. But if he is going to keep it from her, not letting her decide on her own if it is worth loving him with the danger he faces, then shouldn’t I tell her? Jimmy had told me when I called him drunk off my ass right after Bobby got back and carried Lisa off with him. I know that Bobby had asked Jimmy to work with him and I figured Jimmy knew what was going on. He didn’t want to tell me, but I have a feeling he thought I was too drunk to remember. I wasn’t. So again Bobby is who knows where with his life on the line and Lisa is waiting at home not knowing anything.

  She deserves a life where she knows the person she is with will be there every day. That’s what she needs. She may never get it if she stays with Bobby. She will always be waiting for him, never secure in the relationship. I want to be the one she is with every night, the one she knows she can count on, the man who gets to build a life with her. That’s what the house represents and I hope she sees it that way. I am going to make that happen tomorrow even if I have to go through the damn realtor.