by Jill Prand
When Bobby left for the Army I thought it was a blessing, but it turned out to be a curse. Lisa didn’t smile or laugh for a long time and when she finally did it always felt like her heart wasn’t in it. It’s not until this past September that I saw my daughter finally whole once again. That’s when she and Bobby finally reconnected. The two of them together could light up a room and make you believe in true love. Bobby has many friends and colleagues who will miss him, but no one as much as my little girl. Rest in peace, Bobby. John asked me to pick a song to play for Lisa and this is what I chose.”
Fire and Rain by James Taylor starts as she makes her way to me. This is one of her favorite songs and she starts to sing it to me as I melt in her arms. She leans back as the second verse starts and nods at me to join her. My voice lifts up as I ask Jesus to help me make a stand and get me through another day. We finish the song together and I realize that I can make it through this day and the music will help me.
Chris is standing at the podium waiting as my mother finds her seat behind me, he looks tall and proud in his dress uniform. He tells of meeting Bobby when he got into the special forces and how they bonded as only brothers-in-arms can do. Chris is a charismatic speaker and he fills his time with funny stories before looking back at the picture of Bobby in the chair. He finishes by saying, “I know you will always have our backs, brother. You will be sorely missed.” Knocking on Heaven’s Door starts as Chris walks back to his other brothers. I grab both Jodi and Brad’s hands and sing along with Axel Rose and the boys.
John stands in front of me as the song ends, “Please come with me,” he says holding out his hand. I get up and he leads me to the podium and tucks me into his side. “About a month ago Bobby asked me to be his best man when he married Lisa.” I gasp. I didn’t know that Bobby was thinking about proposing. “He asked when a certain song came on the radio. He told me that this was the song that he and Lisa would be dancing to at their wedding.” The tears have started again. John turns to me and takes my hands, “I’m not Bobby, but I would consider it a great honor if you would let me stand in for him.”
He leads me right in front of the chair with Bobby’s picture looking out at us. Billy Joel’s version of Make You Feel My Love starts and the tears fall in earnest. I imagine it is Bobby holding me as I listen to the words telling me all the things he would do to prove his love. I envision myself in a white dress instead of black and the tears in my eyes would be from happiness and his eyes would be filled with love like the picture above us. When the song ends I turn my back on all the mourners, pick up the picture from the chair and fold myself into it like by doing it I can somehow be surrounded by Bobby. I will never hear that song again and not think of what could have been.
I don’t know how long I sit there before Brad comes over. “Everyone’s gone Lisa, they’re all in the other room for the brunch,” he puts his hand on my back and starts stroking up and down. “I know you’re probably not ready, but Rob needs to start breaking down this room.” No, I’m not ready. Once I leave this room it becomes real. I’ll never get to dance to that song on my wedding day. I’ll never get to feel him love me again. I’ll never be whole again. Brad picks me up and takes me back to my chair and gently sits me down. He kneels in front of me, “Lisa, seeing you like this would kill him. You have to go on, it’s what Bobby would want.”
I know that is what Bobby wants, but it’s so hard. How do I go on without my heart? The tears won’t stop and the pain won’t ebb. He planned our wedding song. He planned a life with me and now it’s gone. “I can’t go in there, Brad. Can you just take me home?” I want to be alone. I want to read his letter one more time and listen to his last message to me.
Brad wipes my eyes with his thumbs and kisses my forehead, “Whatever you want, pretty girl. I’ll go tell John and Jodi and see if Arthur will give us a ride.” He walks away and I’m left staring at the picture of me and Bobby on the beach. How did we get from those two teenagers to here?
Brad comes back with Arthur and my coat. As we walk out to the car I realize there is only one place I want to be. I turn to Brad and say, “Go back inside, Brad.”
“What do you mean?” he stops and looks at me. “I’m not going back to Jodi’s except to pick up a few things. I’m going to Bobby’s. I need to be surrounded by him right now.” I give Brad a hug, “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me today, Brad. Please tell Jodi and John the same. I will call them later and explain, but I need to be alone right now.” I turn and get into the car before he can argue with me. I know that Arthur will respect my wishes and take me where I want to go. Brad is standing there watching me, but I can’t look at him. My life will never be the same and I don’t know if or when I would have even a little bit of a heart to offer him. Right now the whole thing is gone and I don’t even think I want it back.
Brad
It’s been almost a month since Bobby’s memorial and I’ve only talked to Lisa a few times. She spends most of her time in the city at Bobby’s. She went back to work last week, so she’s finally moving in the right direction. The first week was the worst. Jodi finally had to go and make sure she was still alive. Now she calls either Jodi, John, or me once a day to check in.
Bobby left her everything so the apartment is now hers, as well as his cars and boat. Lisa is a wealthy woman now even though she refuses to change the name on the deed and registrations. She says that it’s too soon. She hasn’t been back to the island since that day, but John made her to promise to come out for the weekend. The weatherman has called for our unseasonably high temperatures to continue so I’m planning on kidnapping her tomorrow and taking her out on the boat.
Jodi made lasagna and garlic bread so the house smells delicious when I walk in. John is sitting on the couch watching the news. He’s changed, too. He is quieter and he rarely smiles. I think he blames himself for Lisa pulling away from us. He’s told me he regrets dancing with her and telling her of Bobby’s plan. Jodi tells me John’s not sleeping.
I sit down in the chair closest to him, “Hey John, what’s new man?” “Not much. How you liking the weather?” “Loving it. I’ve been able to work on the boats so we should be able to get into the water sooner this season,” which is the truth, but I close on Lisa’s house next week so most of my time from then on will be on renovations. I’m hoping to have it finished to show Lisa sometime in March. Maybe by then she’ll be ready to open up again, to start getting on with her life. I need to believe that she is my future.
I turn my thoughts away from Lisa, John is staring at the TV again, but it’s a blank stare like nothing is getting in, “So, how are you really John? Jodi says you’re not sleeping well.”
“I think I fucked up, Brad. She was handling everything okay until I danced with her.” He wrings his hands together, “I broke her, man.” I put my hand on his shoulder, “You did nothing wrong, John. Maybe the timing was not ideal for her to hear it, but she had to know. And you know what? I think it was better to get it all out at once. If you would have told her somewhere down the line when she was getting over it you might have thrown her right back into mourning. Let her heal from everything. She’ll be okay eventually, John, she’s back at work so things are looking up.”
“No Brad, wait ‘til you see her. We went in for dinner last week and she’s barely eating, she’s lost weight and she was stiff as a board when I hugged her.”
“Okay, say it was the wrong thing to do, you can’t change it now. We all have to move forward, John. Jodi’s worried about you, you need to snap out of this for her.” I move to sit on the end of the chair to be more in his line of sight, “You’re a good man, John. I’m lucky to call you my friend and I know that Lisa feels the same way even if she can’t tell you that right now.”
We sit there in silence for a few minutes. I let him digest my words wanting them to hit their mark. Hell, he put that whole service together for both Bobby and Lisa and now he’s beating himself up over it. As I’m trying to find m
ore words of wisdom the door opens and Lisa walks in. I turn to look as she stops just inside the door and takes off her coat. I see what John means, she must have lost a good twenty pounds. Her cheeks are hollow and her eyes are sunken in with dark circles that her makeup can’t hide. Her clothes are hanging loosely around her frame, she looks breakable. No...she looks broken. I stand up and hold out my arms, she hesitates and I see her caramel eyes start to fill with tears. I take a step towards her and she walks into me and I enclose her in my arms. “I missed you, pretty girl.” I drink in her scent and kiss her forehead. All I feel are bones protruding where softness was a month ago. I try to let all the love pour out of me to help her heal.
“I missed you, too, Brad,” I feel the vibration of her words in my chest. Her hands grip the back of my shirt like she’s holding on for dear life.
I lean my head down and whisper, “I’m here, Lisa. I’m not going anywhere, I’ve got you.” I force her head up so I can see her eyes, “You’re not alone. Come sit on the couch with John and me.”
She pulls away but takes my hand, “I need to get something from my room first. Will you come with me?” I nod, doesn’t she know I’d follow her anywhere? I look back at John and he’s got that far away look back. I’m going to have to bring this up to Lisa. When we get into the bedroom, Lisa sits on the bed, “I’m having a hard time Brad. Being here brings it all back. I’ve just gotten to the point that I can get through a day at work and go back to bed, now being here makes it hurt again.”
I kneel in front of her taking her ice cold hands, “I know this is hard for you, Lisa. I can see it not only in your eyes, but with the weight you’ve lost. Now I’m going to ask you to do something for me tonight and maybe focusing on something else will help.”
Her face gets red. “Brad, I’m not ready to be with you,” she starts. “No, Lisa. You misunderstood. I’m not talking about me. John is beating himself up thinking he should never have told you Bobby was going to propose or dance with you at the memorial. He’s not sleeping and Jodi’s worried.”
“Why didn’t she say something to me?” Now her face is red for another reason. “That’s ridiculous! John gave me the best gift. Yes, it hurts to know I’ll never get to be Bobby’s wife, but the whole service was beautiful. John didn’t cause me more pain, he just pushed me to actually feel it. I wouldn’t have changed a thing about that day other than the reason we were there. And yes I know I can’t change that.” Standing she says, “I’ll take care of this.” Then she storms out of the room.
I hurry behind her anxious to see what she’s going to do. As I get to the living room Jodi is walking out of the kitchen. I stop her and put my finger to my mouth we both turn to the scene unfolding on the couch. Lisa has plopped herself right next to John and stolen the remote. She turns the TV off then hugs him. I can’t see John’s expression, but I can tell by his shoulders he’s tense. It takes a few seconds before he returns her hug.
“I never thanked you, John, for the beautiful service. It was perfect,” her words reach me. “I’m sorry if you thought anything else, but you gave me the greatest gift that day. You made me feel how much Bobby loved me and even though it broke my heart I wouldn’t have changed a thing.”
I see John’s shoulders sag and I can hear him crying. I look at Jodi and she has tears running down her face. I take her hand and lead her back into the kitchen to give Lisa and John some privacy.
“How’d you do it, Brad?” Jodi asks.
“I just told her that John was beating himself up and maybe she needed to think about someone else for a little while.”
Jodi smiles at me, “I’m surprised she didn’t bite your head off for that one.” “She tried,” I laugh. “Especially because I started off with that and she thought I meant me. As soon as I told her it was John she calmed down. I do think that having her focus on someone else is going to be good for her. She’s been wallowing alone for too long.”
Jodi hugs me, “Thank you, Brad. I think both of them will be better off for this.”
We are still hugging when John and Lisa walk in. “Hey, get your hands off my girl.” John exclaims as he grabs Jodi to him. I can see some of the light is already coming back in his eyes. I smile at Lisa and she smiles back. It doesn’t quite make it to her eyes, but it’s a start.
We all enjoy Jodi’s lasagna at dinner as well as three bottles of wine. Between Jodi, John and I we coax a few more smiles from Lisa and I have a feeling we’ve turned a corner. It may take a while, but I can see my Lisa coming home.
Lisa
It’s been almost three weeks since I went back to Jodi’s for the first time. I’m living there again most of the week. I still stay in the city a couple of times but I’ve found I need my friends around me and they need me, too. I didn’t realize that I was being so selfish.
John and I have had a few long talks about Bobby. He told me the whole story of Bobby asking him to be his best man. I also found the ring. John had told me Bobby showed it to him so I searched the whole apartment. I needed to see what it looked like. I finally found it at the bottom of Bobby’s closet in a pair of dress shoes. My whole body shook when I opened the Harry Winston box. There on the black velvet sat a perfect cushion cut diamond with smaller blue stones encircling it in a platinum setting. With tears cascading down my face I put it on. Feeling the weight of it on my finger made me feel owned by Bobby. His claim on me for everyone to see. I never wanted to take it off, but eventually I did. I put it back in the box and back in the shoe. I don’t know why, but I am keeping everything the way he left it.
I’ve resisted the urge to pull it out and wear it. I have to move on. I know sleeping in Bobby’s bed a couple times a week is a detriment to that, but there are just times I need to feel close to him. I still wear the necklace he gave me. I think when I finally take it off and put it in my jewelry box I will be able to let him go. I am nowhere near ready for that yet.
Brad’s been wonderful. He’s both been there for me and given me space. He hasn’t tried to push me to be with him when I know he’s waiting for just that. He just keeps telling me he’ll wait for me. Sometimes I want to tell him not to wait. I want him to find someone who can give him her whole heart, other times I need him to wrap those big strong arms around me to remind me I’m still alive. I still have a future and someone still loves me. I almost kissed him the other day. I pulled back at the last second when I realized what I was doing. It’s too soon for that, my heart is nowhere near healed enough to give him hope. I would just be using him to feel better for a little while. I’m not ready to be what he needs and he would take it as a sign I want to move on.
Today is Valentine’s Day and the four of us are going out to dinner. I think Jodi and John should go alone, but both of them argued with me until I gave in. They’re worried that if I sit home I will spend the time thinking about Bobby. They’re right. He’s been on my mind all day. I watched as bouquet after bouquet of roses were delivered to our offices and each time I wondered what mine would have looked like. I wonder if today would have been the day he proposed. Which of the thousands of restaurants in New York he would have taken me to? I finally had to shut my office door to try and ignore the oohs and ahs every time a delivery was made. Allison was great, she ordered me lunch and had it on my desk when I came back from a meeting. She forwarded my phone to hers and screened all the calls, reminding my clients not to ask about plans for the evening. It worked, not one of my callers brought up the holiday at all. I greatly appreciated all she did. I will have to buy her a gift this weekend.
Now I’m getting ready for dinner, trying to decide what to wear. We’re going to a small Italian place in Patchougue. The food is good, but the atmosphere is intimate and watching couples in love all night is going to be difficult. I really want to back out and veg in front of the TV with Chinese take-out.
Jodi knocks on the door, “Can I come in?”
“Sure,” I call back still staring into my closet. Jodi looks fantastic. She
’s wearing a red wrap dress that shows off her rocking body. I don’t know how she does it; she never works out. She’s got on fuck me red heels and her makeup is perfect. John will be drooling all night long. “You look great.”
She blushes almost the color of her dress. “Not too much?” She asks twirling around.
“No, just enough to make your man want to jump you. The very thing you want on Valentine’s Day.” “Well, I figured you’d be standing there trying to decide what to wear so I came to help.” She strides over to me, “It’s okay to look good you know. Put on something sexy, it’ll give you confidence.”
“I just don’t want Brad to get the wrong idea, Jodes. I’m not near ready yet.” She hugs me, “You know he’s willing to give you all the time you need. How about you dress to make yourself feel good and stop worrying about everyone else?” Good advice, but I don’t think I own anything that will shield me from getting sad while I watch all the other couples tonight. I settle for a green sheath with black heels and my black lace wrap. Jodi leaves as I put the ensemble on. I grab my clutch and go into the bathroom to get my lipstick. I glance in the mirror and decide I hate my hair. I haven’t had it cut in months and it just hangs on my head. Bobby liked my hair long but I think it’s time for a change.
“Jodi, I think we need a salon day,” I call out as I open my bedroom door. “I need a haircut.” “Remind me tomorrow,” she yells back from the kitchen. “I’ll see when they can fit us in.” She walks out and hands me a glass of wine. “Are you going for a trim or a whole new look?”
“I’m giving Caroline carte blanche to do whatever she wants. I don’t even want to recognize myself when she’s done.” Jodi nods. “A new look would do you good. Maybe I’ll try something new, too.”