Diary of a Nerd King #2: The Complete 2nd Season - Episodes 1 to 8

by Ballard, Matt

  Or what if an alien spaceship decided to mind probe you. They'd probably just do it right through your window. They could shoot their mind probe beam right into your room that way without having to use a laserbeam or something to burn a hole in your wall or your roof.

  Or the aliens could just use a transporter beam to beam themselves into your room right through your window. I'm not sure if it matters to them whether they beam through your wall, your roof, or your window, but even if it doesn't, they can use your window to see inside to make sure they aim their beams right.

  And don't forget secret agents or special forces from the army. They're going to come in through your window if they're coming to get you. No point blowing a hole in your wall with top secret super explosives when they can just come in through the window.

  Really, it's like windows are a really bad idea. Whoever thought of them really didn't think them through all the way. Sure, it's nice to get some sunshine in, or a bit of fresh air, but is it really worth it considering all the possible problems?

  I'm gonna have to remember to discuss this whole window thing with my Dad. He probably hasn't thought it through all the way either, or he would've taken out all the windows in our house a long time ago. He'll probably thank me after he gets over being all worried.

  When I finally did open my eyes, I decided it wasn't a bad idea to just lay in bed for a while and think about things.

  I have a lot on my mind these days, and some of my best thinking gets done while I'm lying in bed. I imagine that's true of all the great minds in history. You know... people like the guy who invented the skateboard, pop-tarts, shoelaces, rock'n'roll, picking your nose, or lighting your farts on fire.

  Not that it was a guy who invented all that awesome stuff. I could totally see a girl inventing some of it too. Probably some other brilliant girly stuff that a guy would never think to invent too, like hair spray, nail polish, diets, and the world-wide-upset-girls-conspiracy.

  (I know what you’re thinking… What’s the big deal right? Painted fingernails, whoop-tee-doo! Hey, apparently the girls think this is a very important invention, so I’m including it here, and I suggest you don’t mention it to your girl friend that you agree with me. And oh yeah, if you’re a girl reading this [which you shouldn’t be reading this because it’s my TOP SECRET diary… I mean journal], then just pretend you didn’t read this part. Please don’t start playing worldwide-upset-girls-conspiracy!)

  Anyways, the point is you can come up with some really awesome stuff by not getting out of bed in the morning, so I decided I was gonna just lie here for a while.

  Boogie and I really need to get some more work done on our YouTube show if we want to become YouTube millionaires like Ray William Johnson, so maybe I can come up with some ideas about that while I’m lying here.

  Actually, the whole thing about all the things that can happen to you while you’re lying in bed would probably make a good YouTube video. I could do some wicked awesome drawings for each of them, and then turn them into a kind of slideshow video.

  Sure it might make a lot of people scared to go to bed again, but that might make it go viral and make tons of money!

  Really it’s a win-win situation because it would be like a public service message plus it would make me and Boogie loads of cash.

  I’ve never really liked any of those public service message commercials the government puts on TV, so it would be really cool to do a totally wicked awesome one of our own on YouTube!

  Who knows? The government might end up hiring Boogie and I to do all their public service messages for young people!

  As you can see, I can really get a lot done while I’m lying in bed. Just look at all the stuff I just came up with.

  I think maybe when I’m older I’ll just work from bed all the time. What’s the point of getting out of bed to go to work, when you can get so much more done by just staying put?

  It’s possible I could end up starting a whole work revolution thing. Once word gets out that I work from bed, I think everybody is gonna want to do it. Who wouldn’t?

  Especially after Boogie and I make our first million off YouTube! Then we’re probably going to have to hire body guards just to keep the news people away from us. They’ll be swarming us everywhere we go trying to talk to those “millionaire-YouTube-guys-who-invented-working-from-bed.”

  I finally did get out of bed today. Boogie and I really have to get some more videos done for our YouTube show, and while working from bed is awesome and everything, I had to go to Boogie’s to make the videos.

  Boogie thinks my idea to do a YouTube public service message about all the things that can happen to you while you’re lying in bed is awesome.

  We had a little disagreement over him wanting to do some of the artwork too, but I think he understood when I pointed out that I’m the one with the wicked awesome drawing skills, not him.

  I may have also mentioned something about him maybe doing one or two drawings for the video, just to keep him happy. I’ll just have to make sure you only see them for a second or two on the video.

  Sometimes you have to give in a little like that. My Mom says it’s called compromise. She also calls it give and take too. You’d think she’d make up her mind, wouldn’t you?

  Sunday

  Today was Sunday, and I stayed in bed even longer this morning than I did yesterday. Strangely enough, I didn’t have as many good ideas this morning as I did yesterday morning.

  Maybe that’s because I fell back to sleep.

  It’s possible this whole work from your bed things won’t take off as fast as I thought it might. I could see a lot of bosses not liking the “falling back to sleep” part.

  Of course, that won’t matter to me, as I’ll be my own boss. I could see it being a problem for Boogie and I though. If we both keep falling back asleep while working from bed, we’re never gonna get any work done, and then we’ll never become YouTube millionaires.

  I guess I still have a few bugs to work out of the working from bed thing.

  Monday

  I was looking forward to seeing Jordan today. She was away visiting her grandparents all weekend, so I’m kinda going through a bit of Jordan withdrawal.

  I think this is what my Dad means when he says “you can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them.” Boy, it sure is complicated dealing with women!

  I’m a teensy bit nervous to see Jordan too. I had a shocking revelation yesterday, and I realized I had better keep it to myself if I want to keep Jordan as my girlfriend.

  Yesterday afternoon, Mom was watching Oprah on TV like she always does. I think it might have been one she PVR’d because I don’t think Oprah works on the weekend.

  Anyways, I was watching the show with her, when I realized something that kinda freaked me out a bit. I think I’m in love with Oprah!

  I’ll deny it if it gets out, but I actually like watching Oprah with my Mom. Her shows are usually pretty interesting, and sometimes I even get some ideas for our YouTube channel when I’m watching Oprah.

  It’s actually kind of cool because not only do I get good ideas watching the show, but I’m also spending time with Mom which is good for at least a few brownie points. Most things Mom likes doing are really boring, so watching Oprah with her is a great way to get some quality time in and keep her happy.

  I’m not sure I would have kept doing it if I knew I this was going to happen though!

  What am I going to do now that I’ve realized I’m in love with Oprah? It’s hard enough having one woman in my life. How am I going to manage two!

  So you can see why I figured it was best to keep this to myself and not tell Jordan about it.

  She’d probably get all jealous and break up with me again if she found out. Girls can be funny that way.

  I know what you’re thinking. It would never work out between Oprah and me, and you’re right.

  I know that, but tell my heart that! It’s not like I want to be in love with her you
know. It just happened.

  I mean, I can understand why and everything. She’s beautiful. Those big brown eyes and that big smile. I’m sure I’m not the first guy to fall for her.

  But she’s also like, at least fifty or something! That’s WAY too old for me.

  I know that, and I know we can never be together, but it’s like those women on my Mom’s soap operas always say… “sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants.”

  Anyway, the one thing I do know is that this isn’t something I can let Jordan find out about.

  Nobody can find out about this. Imagine what Tabi would do if she found out! I’d be waking up to find drawings of mine and Oprah’s initials in a great big heart with an arrow through it stuck to my door.

  Boogie would never let me hear the end of it either! I can just imagine all the bad jokes he’d come up with about me having to go down to the retirement home to see my girlfriend and stuff like that.

  When I saw Jordan in English class, I managed to act all cool like usual, which was kinda hard because for some reason I kept seeing Oprah’s face whenever I looked at her.

  Luckily, Jordan didn’t seem to realize anything weird was going on, and we got through English class OK.

  Somehow I managed to make it through walking home together too, although it was REALLY weird when we kissed. I opened my eyes for a second in the middle of it, and I could swear it was Oprah I was kissing!

  I closed my eyes again really quick and finished our kiss without Jordan finding out what had just happened. That’s all I need… her finding out I’m kissing Oprah!

  “Farts, Farts, and More Farts!”

  Season 2 – Episode 204

  Written and Illustrated by

  Matt Ballard

  © Copyright Matt Ballard 2012

  All rights reserved.

  http://www.diaryofanerdking.com

  The author really appreciates you taking the time to read Diary of a Nerd King. Please take a moment to leave a review wherever you bought the book, tell your friends about it, mention it on Facebook, or tweet about Diary of a Nerd King on Twitter to help spread the word. Thank YOU for supporting my work.

  Facebook Fanpage:

  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Diary-of-a-Nerd-King/320905147921308

  Twitter: https://twitter.com/NerdKingDiary

  Tuesday

  I woke up this morning, and I immediately realized there was no way I could go to school today.

  I felt the little invader almost as soon as my eyes popped open. I lay there for a moment thinking “Oh No!” and then “Go Away, Go Away.”

  Then I thought maybe I was mistaken, that it was just my mind playing tricks on me. But then I reached up and touched it with my finger. That’s when I really started to panic.

  I ran to the bathroom and locked the door before turning to look in the mirror. There was no mistake. Right there, in the middle of my forehead, was a MONSTER zit staring right back at me.

  The panic started to get worse. These things can ruin your life! If people see you with one of these, you can get stuck on the zit face list forever and ever!

  Once you’re on the zit face list, nobody talks to you anymore except a few of the other kids on the zit face list. I feel sorry for them, but it’s like a total rule. Somebody even told me that if you talk to someone on the zit face list, you’ll catch a zit from them and end up on the list yourself!

  I started racking my brain to try and remember if I’d accidentally talked to somebody on the zit face list, but I couldn’t think of a single person.

  Why, oh why, was this happening to me?

  I looked at the MONSTER in the mirror again and tried to think of the best way to deal with it. My first impulse was to squeeze it, but everybody says that can make it worse. It’s like you make them angry by squeezing them so they grow even bigger and redder.

  OK, so squeezing it probably wasn’t a good idea. What about toothpaste?

  I’d heard you could put toothpaste on them. I know that sounds kinda weird, but apparently the toothpaste dries out on your skin, and when it does, it dries out the zit too, shrinking it and taking the red out in the process.

  I couldn’t think of anything else to try, so it was worth a shot. Our toothpaste is mint flavor with tartar control. As I squeezed a swirl onto my finger, I hoped the MONSTER liked mint. I sure didn’t need him getting any bigger!

  I held my breath and carefully dabbed the toothpaste onto the MONSTER, taking care to do it very gently so I didn’t make him mad.

  It felt kinda funny at first. The toothpaste was cool on my forehead, and I could smell the mint.

  I watched in the mirror, half-expecting the MONSTER to swell up and take over my whole forehead, but nothing happened.

  I wasn’t sure how long you’re supposed to leave the toothpaste on, but I figured I’d better leave it there at least until it dried out.

  Then I had a sudden thought. I’d been in the bathroom for a while now. What if Tabi wanted in to do her hair and other girl stuff to get ready for school?

  I couldn’t let her see me like this! She spread the word for sure and make certain I got on the zit face list!!!

  I listened carefully at the door to see if I could hear her. Nothing. After a few seconds, I quietly inched the door opened, and seeing the hallway was clear, I dashed back to my room where I ran into my closet, shut the door, and slunk down into the corner.

  I’m not sure how long I sat in there, but I know one thing, I’m either going throw out all my old sneakers or ask Mom to wash them. With the closet door closed, the smell was so strong that I almost passed out!

  I finally heard Tabi yell good-bye to Mom and then the sound of the front door closing, so I was pretty sure it was safe to come out.

  I opened the door to the closet and paused to take a big breath of fresh air before heading back into the bathroom to see if the MONSTER had shrunk at all.

  Looking in the mirror, it was hard to tell because the MONSTER was hidden underneath the toothpaste. Since the toothpaste looked pretty dried out, I decided to carefully wipe it off and see if my zit was still there, and sure enough, once I wiped off the toothpaste, the MONSTER was right there staring at me.

  It did look a bit smaller though, and maybe not so red, so that was something anyways. I decided I’d put a bit more toothpaste on it and then stick a bandage over top. I couldn’t go to school with a zit on my forehead, and Mom wasn’t likely to let me stay home, so it seemed like the best option.

  I figured as long as nobody found out I have under the bandage, I’d be fine. Band-aids are no problem as far being cool goes. In fact, having a bandage on is almost a positive thing, almost like having a really cool scar, but maybe not quite as good as that.

  (If you don’t know who Rambo is, you should really get the movie! He was this wicked awesome special forces military guy who could take on thousands of bad guys at one time all by himself!)

  I had to run all the way to school so I wasn’t late, and I knew Boogie was probably going to be mad at me for not showing up to walk to school with him. Oh well. It wasn’t like I had actually planned to adopt a MONSTER and let it live on my forehead!

  I made it to school, got to my locker, and slid into my seat in first period with about 3 seconds to spare, but I was so out of breath from all that running that my breathing didn’t return to normal for another 10 minutes or so.

  Nobody even said anything about the bandage on my forehead until I got to English class later on and saw Jordan. She actually made a fuss over me and asked me if I was alright and stuff.

  If I hadn’t been so nervous about her finding out the MONSTER was under the bandage, I probably would’ve enjoyed all of her fussing.

  Anyways, I was lucky. Jordan never figured out I was hiding the MONSTER under the bandage. Even later when I walked her home from school, she hardly even mentioned it except to give me an extra long hug in front of her house when we said good-bye (and I’m not even sure that had anything to do with
the bandage on my forehead.

  After school, I headed straight over to Boogie’s house after I walked Jordan home. We’ve got a lot of work to do on the YouTube show if we want to make our first million soon. Between GLEE club, girlfriends, and karate, we haven’t had a lot of time to get stuff done.