Diary of a Nerd King #2: The Complete 2nd Season - Episodes 1 to 8

by Ballard, Matt

  Wednesday

  This morning in first period, I had a wicked awesome idea for our YouTube show. Billy McButtons (weird name, I know… apparently his great-grandfather was a button-maker back in Scotland) let out a crazy loud fart which got everybody laughing, even the girls (except the ones who were going “Ooooo” and pretending they didn’t think it was funny).

  Mr. Grimes wasn’t laughing either, but teachers don’t count because they have no sense of humor anyway. Somebody told me that when you become a teacher, you have to have an operation to have your funny bone removed. From the teachers I know, I’d say there’s a really good chance that’s true!

  But back to Billy McButtons fart because that’s what gave me my wicked awesome idea!

  With everyone laughing so hard after Billy farted, I realized that farting is essentially a goldmine of funny. I mean, think about it! Who doesn’t like farts? They’re just too funny.

  You’ve probably already figured out where I’m going with this. Everyone likes farts. Farts are funny. Everybody likes funny stuff because it makes them laugh. So a whole YouTube video on farting should be a HUGE hit!

  I know, I know… pure genius, right?

  The funny thing is, you know that old saying your parents or grandparents are always saying to you… “that’s using your head.” Well, this idea didn’t really come from using my head. More like from Billy McButton’s butt!

  Maybe I’ll start a new saying… “that’s using your butt!” Hey, we can use that in our YouTube farting video!!! Once the video goes viral, everybody will be saying it!

  You’ll be going to sit down at the dinner table, and your Dad will say… “Way to go! That’s using your butt!”

  Or when you’re dancing, you’ll hear people saying “That’s Using Your Butt!”

  It’ll be nation-wide! A pop phenomena! Boogie and I won’t just be famous. We’ll be SUPER famous!

  Obviously I was pretty excited about the whole thing, but I managed to keep quiet about it until I saw Boogie later at lunch. I didn’t even tell Jordan during English class!

  Let me tell you, it takes a LOT of willpower to not tell Jordan something. When she looks at you with those big beautiful eyes, it’s like she hypnotizes you or something. She could pretty much make me do anything once she’s hit me with her hypno-power.

  I was bubbling over by the time lunch rolled around and I found Boogie. He could see I was pretty excited, and I think it kinda rubbed off on him even before I said anything because he seemed pretty excited too.

  I waited until we were sitting down at a table by ourselves before I told him. I made sure to keep my voice down too because I sure didn’t want one of the other kids over-hearing me and stealing my idea.

  Boogie was pretty impressed when I told him. He’s a pretty big fan of farting himself, so I figured he would be. Right away he started coming up with different farting ideas for the video. Between the two of us, we already had WAY more than one videos worth.

  Which gave me another brilliant idea! What if we made the farting thing a segment on every video? That way, people would have another reason to keep coming back to watch each new one because they knew, no matter what else was in the video, there was always going to be some hilarious farting!

  Boogie thought that was brilliant. I don’t know who was more excited about my idea at this point, me or Boogie.

  (I even came up with a wicked awesome idea to sell “I LOVE FARTING” T-shirts too! Once the videos take off, we’ll make even more millions just on the T-shirts!!!)

  It was really hard to go back to class after lunch. Both of us just wanted to get out of there and over to Boogie’s house to work on our farting ideas for our YouTube videos. All I could think about for the rest of the schoolday was farts, farts, and more farts.

  Later, back at Boogie’s, we tried to remember all the ideas we had at lunch and write them all down. Then, Boogie suggested it would be a good idea if we did a search for farts on YouTube to see what kind of stuff was already on there.

  Boy was that an eye opener! Try it yourself. You won’t believe what you find!

  There was this one guy who had to go to the hospital because he burned his butt from lighting a fart on fire. You can actually see the fart exploding in flames on the video because his friend was doing the video. It’s a pretty impressive fireball, let me tell you!

  Boogie and I then got into a debate about whether burning your butt from lighting farts would hurt your cool status or boost it. I think it would hurt it, especially with the girls. Farts are funny, but there’s a fine line between funny and too much. Even though most guys would probably be impressed about fart injuries like burning your butt, I think most girls wouldn’t be.

  Boogie disagreed with me. He thinks burning your butt from lighting farts is just such an awesome injury that it would for sure boost your cool status. He figures that even a girl would have to be impressed with a fart fireball that’s so big it actually burns your behind.

  While I can see his point, he doesn’t have a girlfriend and I do, so he doesn’t really have any experience in understanding women. Then again, I have a girlfriend, and I still don’t understand women any better than I did before I had one, so maybe he’s right after all. Who knows?

  Thursday

  Glee club started today.

  I was pretty nervous about it all day at school. I kept thinking about my dream of me being a girl and singing a duet with Jordan, and I was worried that somehow somebody at Glee club was going to find out.

  It turned out OK though. Since it was the first meeting, we didn’t even have to sing, so that was a bonus. Mostly Ms. Winsome just talked to us about how we were going to do things and stuff like that.

  I think it’s going to be pretty fun after all. Ms. Winsome is so cool that it’s hard not to have fun when she’s in charge. She’s really pretty too. Maybe not as pretty as Oprah, but then who is?

  “Demons, Dollars, and Alien Babies”

  Season 2 – Episode 205

  Written and Illustrated by

  Matt Ballard

  © Copyright Matt Ballard 2012

  All rights reserved.

  http://www.diaryofanerdking.com

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  Friday

  When I woke up this morning, Monster was gone. He’d been getting smaller each day, but he was still there last night when I went to bed.

  This morning, nothing. It’s kinda weird how one minute you can have this big, angry red zit on your forehead, and then boom… you wake up and it’s vanished without a trace.

  Where do zits go anyways?

  Do they just move on to the next poor kid and make themselves at home on his or her face?

  Or is there like a zit heaven where good zits go after they’ve done a really good job of being a successful zit? Do you they only get into zit heaven if they get popped?

  What about zits like mine that get waited out like I did? Do they have to go to the other place?

  Is there a zit hell that’s really hot with fire and flames and a big angry zit monster with horns and a pitchfork that’s in charge?

  Wherever they go, I have to say, I’m more than a little bit relieved that Monster is finally gone.

  While I’m pleased with myself for coming up with the band-aid thing and not getting myself put on the zit face list, it’s still a big relief to have my old, zit-less forehead back. I may lose a bit of my cool status that I got from having a bandage on my head, but it actually probably wasn’t a whole lot anyways, and I’d rather just have no zits.

  W
hen I got downstairs and was heading into the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal for breakfast, Tabi was already at the table eating a bowl herself. She looked up at me and screamed.

  It was one of those girlie screams that are really high pitched and make your insides twist a bit like when somebody rakes their nails down a chalkboard.

  I have to admit I jumped a bit when I heard her scream. I was still half-asleep and totally wasn’t expecting her to scream when she saw me.

  Then I saw it, and a HUGE smile spread across my face as I watched Tabi duck her down and try to hide her face with her hand, but it was too late. I had seen it. I now had my answer for where Monster went in the middle of the night.

  He must’ve crept down the hall and into Tabi’s room, because there he was, smack dab in the middle of Tabi’s forehead, looking just as red and angry as ever. Maybe even redder and angrier if that was actually possible.

  Tabi brushed by me as she fled out of the kitchen and raced back upstairs. I heard the bathroom door slam as I got myself a bowl out of the cupboard and sat down at the table to pour some cereal.

  I think this is what Mrs. Fizzerwinch means in English class when she says something that happens is poetic justice. If Tabi had known I had a zit, she would’ve gleefully blabbed it all over the school and made sure I got on the zit face list. Now, not only does she have a zit, but it’s the very same one that I had!

  Now that I think about it, I can’t remember if that’s actually poetic justice or irony. I get the two confused a lot, like a lot of other complicated terms that Mrs. Fizzerwinch uses that have no practical use in the real world. Either way, it sure is funny!

  Thinking about poetic justice just made me remember a funny Simpsons episode. I think it was called "Boy Scoutz N the Hood."

  Bart comes home from a Junior Campers meeting, and Homer asks him "How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs?"

  Then the chair that Homer is sitting on breaks and he falls on the floor and yells "D'oh! Stupid poetic justice." LOL! It’s a classic! I should tell Mrs. Fizzerwinch about it next time she brings up poetic justice.

  On the way to school, Boogie and I talked some more about our YouTube show and the next video we were gonna do. I don’t remember a lot of the conversation because I had a sudden thought about the whole zit thing that I was debating in my head all the way to school.

  I have to admit, when I first saw Monster perched angrily on Tabi’s forehead this morning, I was planning on doing exactly what she would’ve done to me… tell everyone I knew about it and get her on the zit face list.

  But as I was meeting up with Boogie to walk to school, it occurred to me that maybe that wasn’t the smartest thing to do after all. I mean sure, it would be really satisfying to get Tabi on the zit face list and pay her back for all the stuff she’d done to me lately like the whole Max as a girl drawing on my door thing, but what if my sister being on the zit face list rubbed off on me?

  I mean, zits are obviously pretty contagious, and everybody freaks out about them and doesn’t want anything to do with them, right?

  Well, what if once word got out that Tabi had a zit, and she ended up on the zit face list, people started treating me the same way because she’s my sister and we live in the same house?

  Like on TV where somebody catches one of those rare and incurable diseases, and they have to quarantine them, and everyone is scared to go anywhere near them, and they hunt down everyone who came in contact with them and quarantine them too!

  They always end up sticking them in some space age looking room with airlocks like a space ship and people walking around in white marshmallow suits with oxygen tanks that make them sound like Darth Vader when they breath.

  That could be me! All my work to hide my zit and not get on the zitface list could blow up in my face if I got stuck on the zitface list because of Tabi. Guilt by sister’ation. Like a new version of guilt by association.

  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it probably wasn’t such a good idea to tell everyone about Tabi’s zit and get her on the zit face list. As satisfying as it might be, I realized I wouldn’t be smiling about it for very long if it got me on the list too!

  I think that might be what Mrs. Fizzerwinch means by irony. Actually, I think that might actually be poetic justice AND irony, all at the same time.

  The school day flew by pretty quick. Nothing really cool happened or anything.

  I walked Jordan home after school again, and then I headed over to Boogie’s to work on our YouTube show some more.

  Saturday

  I woke up at 3:52am this last night (or I guess it was technically this morning) in a cold sweat, and I’m not sure, but I think I might have screamed.

  You know when you wake up from a dream, and you’re not sure what is part of the dream and what is really happening now? Well, that’s why I wasn’t sure if I screamed or not. I could swear I had, but the dream I had was SO REAL that it was probably part of it.

  And what a crazy wicked freaky scary dream!

  There was this totally wicked scary looking demon or devil staring at me from the foot of my bed.

  It was just a head, no body, at least that’s all I could see, and the fact that it was just a head only added to the scariness of it.

  The head was red, and it was glowing, like it was on fire from inside. The eyes actually had flames burning in them, and I could see them flicker and twist in the darkness as it stared at me.

  I gotta tell ya, I’m not normally scared easily (don’t listen to what Tabi tells you), but this dream really freaked me out. It was SO real, I almost got out of bed and checked underneath and around the other end to make sure it really had been a dream.

  Actually, I did get out of bed and check, but I’ll deny it if this ever gets out. I probably shouldn’t have even written that down.

  I think it was like a whole hour or more before I fell back asleep again. I kept closing my eyes, starting to drift off, and then I’d sit up in a panic expecting to see the demon head again.

  I never did see it again, at least that I remember. They say you don’t remember most of your dreams, so maybe I did see it again. Somehow I doubt it because I probably would’ve woke up again in a cold sweat, possibly screaming, possibly only screaming in my dream, and that didn’t happen.

  When I did wake up, I remembered the whole thing VERY vividly, like every last detail of that dude was burned into the back of my eye balls. Hopefully that’s not what happened and the memory fades away, or I’m going to have a really hard time getting to sleep tonight!

  As I was heading downstairs for breakfast though, the whole dream thing gave me a wicked awesome idea! I probably looked like a silly dough-head when I said good morning to Mom because I was smiling so much at the thought of it, but that’s OK because it’s going to be great!

  Here’s the idea I had. First a little background information though. Tabi will deny, but she still sleeps with a night-lite on in her room. It’s plugged into the wall across from the end of her bed.

  My plan is to draw a wicked awesome picture of the demon head I saw in my dream and put it on the wall above where her night-lite is plugged in while she’s sleeping. The nightlite will make the demon head look like it’s glowing, and if I do a really good job drawing flames in the eyes, it’ll probably even look like it’s eyes are on fire!

  Once I have the drawing on the wall, I’ll wake her up by making some demon sounds or something. I’ll do it quietly so she wakes up slowly and is a little groggy.

  And then Whammo! The first thing she’ll see when she open her eyes is the glowing demon head from my dream! She’ll probably scream her lungs out, and if I’m really lucky, maybe she’ll faint too!

  Awesome eh! I’m going to get started on the demon head drawing right away. Maybe I’ll even see if I can borrow Boogie’s video camera to tape Tabi’s reaction. Come to think of it, that would make an awesome video f
or our YouTube show!

  Sunday

  I’m almost done the demon head picture. It looks wicked awesome if I do say so myself!

  I can’t wait to see Tabi’s reaction when she sees it! This could be one of the coolest pranks I’ve ever pulled on her. It’ll certainly be way better than anything she’s ever done to me.

  I took the picture over to Boogie’s with me this afternoon. He thought it was great and said he wished he could be there to see the look on Tabi’s face when she wakes up and sees it.