by Kyra Lennon
I chuckled, and Jason turned to me. “What?”
“Sorry.” I shook my head. “That was probably the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. Where do you go when you’re all zoned out like that?”
“We’re trying to get into the right mind frame for performing. We can’t just go out there from doing everyday stuff. Well, we can, but the show is never as good when we haven’t had this time to centre ourselves and think about what’s coming up. These people have paid for a show, and we’re going to make sure we give them that.”
Another side to Jason. I’d never thought he didn’t take his music seriously, but I’d also never witnessed just how serious this was for him. The whole “getting in the zone” thing was new to me. Music meant everything to him, and his passion sparked something inside me. Something that made me want to jump on him. Immediately.
“Gotta go,” he said, although I thought I spotted a sparkle in his green eyes, as if he knew what I was thinking.
Dammit.
I gave a lame wave as they headed out and onto the stage.
I’d kept my drooling to a minimum so far, and I hated that I’d slipped up. Swoony McFangirl was not the person I wanted to portray, and I hoped it wasn’t who I was. But I was attracted to Jason, and however hard I tried to squash those feelings, they were still there. They still needed an outlet sometimes.
**
The first gig was absolutely mind blowing. Razes Hell tore the roof off the club, and the guys were buzzing when they headed backstage. I followed them through; I’d been watching them from the back of the room, where I was safer from flailing limbs and drinks being sloshed all over the place.
“Oh my God.” I stared at them as they congratulated each other on an excellent show. “This tour is going to rock!”
“Thanks, Lucy.” Mack ruffled my hair as he passed me to grab a towel. “I think you might be right!”
“Are we going back to the hotel? Because I’m way too excited to sleep yet.”
“Us too.” Jason laughed. He opened the mini fridge and took out water for everyone then handed the bottles out. “I’m up for a few drinks here.”
“Me too,” Joey added. “I need beer and women immediately.”
Drew rolled his eyes but smiled. “Okay. A few drinks. We deserve it!”
The guys took turns using the shower and changing out of their sweaty clothes then we headed out of the dressing room and into the bar while the roadies dealt with their equipment, taking it all down and loading it back into the vans.
On our way through, fans slapped the guys on the back, and I felt another buzz at being part of something so special. The fame wasn’t mine, but it was pretty cool getting a taste of it and seeing what life was like for the band.
The bar was wild and crowded, and I stayed as close as I could to the boys but it was difficult with so many bodies squished together. Every now and again one of the guys would disappear for a while, but they’d eventually find their way back. Drew was the only one who stayed really close to me, and I knew it was because he was under strict orders to keep me safe. The music was loud, as were the other patrons, but the atmosphere was incredible, and I spent more time observing the crowds than anything else.
After about an hour, I needed a breather from the heat and the close proximity to others so I slipped out of the back door and took in a long gulp of fresh air. My skin instantly prickled with goose bumps from the temperature change and I wrapped my arms around myself to warm up. Although I could still hear the pumping beats from the bar, another sound outside caught my attention and I stiffened at the sound of a girl’s giggle followed by a deep groan from a man. I recognised the flirty sound; I’d heard many of my friends doing the girly giggle when they were with a guy, and I chuckled to myself knowing I couldn’t stay where I was in case the couple noticed me and thought I was some kind of creeper. I started to turn back to the club when I heard the girl say, in a very French accent, “Where will you take me?”
“I have a hotel room. Do you want to join me?”
My heart stilled as I recognised Jason’s voice, and when I heard their footsteps, I stepped back into the club doorway so they wouldn’t see me when they passed. Oh God. What the hell had she been doing to him to make him groan like that? I sank into the darkness when their footsteps came closer, my heart sinking slowly into my stomach. Jason had his arm firmly around the tiny waist of a stunning French girl with sleek black hair and gigantic boobs. Suddenly the footsteps stopped, and this time it was the girl who let out a moan. I shuffled forwards and peered hesitantly around the corner, immediately wishing I hadn’t. Jason had pressed her firmly against the wall, his hands pinning her wrists above her head as he kissed her neck. She arched her back slightly, her red-painted lips open, and his hands slid down her arms, down her waist then up to her breast, making her moan again.
“Please. Take me to your room.”
I ducked back into the shadows feeling sick at what I’d just seen. I tried hard to ignore the stabbing sensation in my stomach; I knew the deal already. I knew him hooking up with women was something I might have to learn to handle, but seeing it happen right in front of me was a lot harder than I’d expected. Instead of turning into a weepy, girly mess, I took some deep breaths, and jolted when the club door opened, the handle digging into my back as it swung outwards.
“Oh, I am so sorry.”
Mr Biceps stepped through the door as I rubbed my back where he’d bumped me.
“It’s okay,” I told him. “I shouldn’t have been standing in the way.” I started to move past him, but he caught my arm gently.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded, trying to regain control of my shallow breaths. “I just need a drink.”
Or six.
“Or… maybe we can talk?”
I glanced up into the blue eyes of Mr Biceps, and when he smiled, a dazzling white-toothed smile, I shrugged. “Sure, why not?”
We stepped out of the dark doorway and walked around to the side of the club. My mind was very much on Jason and the woman with the gigantic norks, but I figured chatting to Mr Biceps, whose real name was Julien, would be better than getting smashed and having to deal with day two of the tour with a massive hangover. Even if he was lazy and a little self-obsessed.
I leaned back against the wall of the club, trying to figure out exactly what we would talk about. We’d exchanged maybe ten words all day, and I was certain three of them had been me muttering, “Bloody useless prick,” under my breath while he checked his thick, dark hair before taking another photo of himself.
“You don’t like the club?” he asked as he leaned back against the wall beside me.
I shook my head. “It’s not that. I just wanted a break from the noise.”
Julien nodded. “I was going to have a smoke, but…” he looked me up and down appreciatively, “…I think talking with you might be better.”
I couldn’t fault his English, and a small part of me got a kick out of the way he looked at me. I was only wearing jeans and a black vest top, and black boots – there was no point wearing my best clothes to a grimy club. The girl Jason had picked up had been wearing a short, figure-hugging dress and killer heels, probably with the sole intention of hooking up with someone. Crappy as I felt about witnessing that, I was secure enough in myself that I didn’t feel the need to tart myself up just to attract attention. If I couldn’t get attention simply by being me, I didn’t want it.
I turned to face him, my shoulder still against the wall. “So, how did you get a job with Razes Hell?”
Julien smiled the kind of smile you see on magazine covers. He looked more suitable for modelling work than lugging heavy equipment around. “My father is the owner of this club. I am a big fan of Razes Hell, so he asked if I could help today. I was very happy to meet them.”
Mmhmm. That was clear from the amount of snaps you took with your phone.
“Will you be helping tomorrow night too?” I asked.
�
��No. It was just for tonight.” He pushed away from the wall with his foot and turned, taking a small step closer to me. “You will be going on the rest of the tour with the band?”
“Yes.”
“I have been watching you today. You are a writer?”
“Not yet, but maybe one day. I’m studying journalism at university. I’m writing about the tour as… practice, I guess.”
“They are very lucky to have such a beautiful woman with them.” He smiled again, his head tilting to the side slightly as his eyes flicked up and down my body again. Maybe he wasn’t so bad. After all, he certainly had the charm thing down. Score another point for France – not only was there magic in the air, the men had… if not class, at least better chat up lines than, ‘Alright, love? Fancy a bag of chips and a shag?’
“Is that so?” I asked.
“Yes.” He took another small step towards me. “That is so.”
Julien leaned closer to me, his hands lightly resting on my waist, and he whispered, “I would really like to kiss you.”
I hesitated for a moment, considering his request. Well, why the hell not? He was gorgeous, and I did promise myself I’d experience some things while I was away. At what other point in my life had I been given the opportunity to kiss someone who would probably one day adorn the covers of romance novels?
“I’d like that too,” I told him, smiling.
As his hands moved down to my hips, I rested mine on his waist. His kiss was as smooth as he was, his tongue flicking into my mouth before I even had time to blink. I relaxed into him, and I swear I felt him smile against my lips. I hadn’t had many kisses, but this was by far one of the best – his lips were soft and gentle, and his tongue danced expertly with mine.
Except, he didn’t stop.
I tried to turn my head a little, hoping he’d take the hint. He didn’t, he just held me tighter and continued to move his mouth over mine. Hoping he was just crap at reading signals, I wriggled in his grip then moved my hands to his chest to push him back, but he closed the gap between us, pushing my hands down to my sides and holding my wrists so I couldn’t move. My heart rate kicked up a few notches; his strength made it so easy for him to overpower me and when I tried to free my hands, he held on tighter.
“Stop,” I managed to say, turning my head away from him.
“So soon? I thought we were going to have some fun.”
“Yeah. I’m done.”
He let go of one of my hands and gripped my chin, forcing my face back to his. His eyes glimmered, but not in a good way. In fact, there was a coldness to them; clearly he wasn’t used to hearing the word “no” and the speed of his mood change sent a shiver through me.
“Well, I am not done.”
My heart beat faster, pounding more speedily than the beats drifting out from inside the club. Julien moved me back against the wall, in almost the exact spot Jason had pressed the skank from the bar. Unfair judgement. You just did the exact same thing as her… albeit more hesitantly. What the hell was I thinking? Julien kissed me again, and there was nowhere I could go. He had me so firmly pressed against the wall, I couldn’t move at all, and as he grabbed my wrists again, my stomach churned and fear took me in its hold.
Stupid, stupid girl!
“Julien, please. I just want to go back inside.”
“And I want what you promised me.” He slipped one hand underneath my top, his fingers sliding over my skin and roughly closing over my breast. He gave a moan and tears sprang to my eyes. There was no way he was going to stop and I tried again to wriggle free as he pushed his hips against mine.
“I promised you nothing!” I spat, trying to disguise my panic. The way my voice trembled betrayed me, and his eyes flashed again, like he was getting off on how scared I was.
“Out here, all alone? You were asking for this.”
His hips pinned me to the spot as he squeezed my breast harder, reaching down to unzip his jeans with his other hand. My heart rate quickened and a panic-induced sweat broke out across my forehead. I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t believe this was happening. I’d never been touched this way, and couldn’t let my first time happen like this. I wouldn’t. I raised my hands, trying hard to shove him away as tears dripped down my cheeks.
“Get the fuck off her! Now!”
Julien backed away quickly at the sound of Drew’s bellow and my body sagged with relief. Drew only had to take one step towards him before he turned on the spot and ran. Once he was gone, my knees weakened and I dropped to the ground, my head down.
“Jesus, Lucy. Are you okay?”
I nodded, gulping at the air. In my panic, I’d forgotten to breathe and my lungs struggled to keep up as my heart rate finally started to slow.
“What were you doing out here?”
“I thought I was getting some fresh air, but then Julien came along and…”
I was way too ashamed to admit I’d kissed him. I don’t know what had been running through my mind. Trying to prove my maturity by letting myself get mauled by a stranger, and for what? Just to take my mind off what Jason was doing.
“Did he hurt you?”
I shook my head. “Scared me mostly.” I didn’t want to admit to Drew that I’d probably have a bruised boob, and honestly, if he hadn’t come along when he did, it would have been so much worse. The idea of what Julien might have done made my body shake, and my chest heaved with the sobs I was trying to suppress.
“Do we need to call the police?”
“No,” I choked out. “He’s gone now, and I’m ready to go back to the hotel.”
Drew nodded. “We were thinking about heading back now anyway. That’s why I was looking for you. I was looking for Jason too. Have you seen him?”
A shudder ran through me as I remembered the other image of the evening I wanted to forget. Composing myself, I said, “He’s gone back to the hotel with some random.”
Drew fixed his eyes on me and I lowered my gaze, not wanting him to see any hint of hurt or jealousy. Not that I had any right to be either of those things. Jason was never mine, and he never would be. At some point, he would find someone he wanted to be with and I’d have to get over this insane crush. But at that moment, it sucked to be me.
“I’m sorry you had to see that.”
I looked up at him. “I’ve seen it before. Well, actually, I saw a little more than I wanted to, but… you know what I mean. It’s fine.”
Drew gave a small jerk of his head. “Come here.”
He opened his arms out and I let him pull me into a hug. A hug from Drew was one of the best things in the whole world. His large frame was comforting and warm, and I snuggled into him, grateful for his lack of lecture about my idiocy, and his understanding about my feelings.
**
I had a hard time getting to sleep that night. In spite of how illogical it was to have feelings for Jason, I couldn’t stop picturing him with that woman. He and I had become closer over the past year, but we would never be that close, and as much as I thought I’d come to terms with that, I knew it would be a while before I stopped feeling like I’d been punched any time I saw him with someone else.
I awoke in the morning to the sound of someone tapping on my door. It was early, only a little after seven, so I definitely wasn’t late for breakfast. I stumbled out of bed and opened the door a crack, peering through the gap and jolting slightly when I saw Jason standing there.
“Sorry. Did I wake you?”
His stubble was way out of control; he obviously hadn’t shaved yet, and his hair was messy. He wore scruffy blue jeans and a plain black t-shirt which was wrinkled, as though he’d just thrown some clothes – any clothes - on before coming to my room.
I nodded, blinking a few times. “What’s going on?”
“I wanted to check on you.”
“Why?”
“Can I come in?”
I glanced down at my old oversized t-shirt, making sure I was fully covered up. Crap. Why couldn’t he hav
e called when I was dressed?
I let Jason in, still somewhat confused as to why he wanted to check on me. Shit. Did he know I freaked out about him and that woman? My cheeks burned as we sat down on the edge of my bed. Where the heck was she, anyway? Did he just leave her in bed?
“Drew told me what happened last night. With Julien.”
I let out a breath I hadn’t realised I was holding. Not that this topic was any less humiliating. I glanced down at my lap, wringing my hands together while I waited to find out where this conversation was going.
“What were you thinking, Luce? Going outside with a guy you hardly knew? Doesn’t sound like you.”
I fought to hold in a bitter laugh. Right. Because the big-boobed tart he left with wasn’t the same thing to him. Just some girl to screw. To pick up and put down when he’d got what he wanted.
I shrugged. “I figured I’d experience some more French cuisine. Unfortunately, it was the kind that makes you want to throw up.”
“Lucy, come on. This isn’t something to joke about. Drew said that prick had his hand up your shirt!”
The memory made me shudder; his firm, dirty grip keeping me held in place so I couldn’t escape. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
“Yeah, I know it’s serious, Jason. I was there. But it’s over now. I made a stupid mistake. I don’t need to be reminded.”
Jason rested his hand on mine. “I’m not judging you, Luce. I’m the king of stupid mistakes. I just don’t understand why you were with him in the first place. He’d been acting like a first class cock all day.”
I raised an eyebrow. “That sounds a little bit like judgement.”
“Hey.”
His sharp tone made me look up at him, into those green eyes, and I sighed. “I didn’t choose to drag him out of the club. I was outside getting some air and he came out. We were talking, he wanted to kiss me, and I didn’t see the harm. He was a good-looking guy, and I didn’t… I just didn’t think it through.”