by Kyra Lennon
I lowered my eyes, the horror of what could have happened seeping into me again. On my second night away from home, I’d killed any level of maturity I’d tried to show and almost got myself seriously assaulted. Rubbing my hand across my forehead, I let out a groan.
Jason laced his fingers through mine. “Promise me you won’t do that again. I don’t want you getting hurt. Besides, you’re way better than a quick hook up in a back alley.”
The sensation of his fingers entwined with mine was too good. I wanted to hold on, but I pulled away and shuffled away from him slightly. “Did you say that to the girl you picked up last night? How come she wasn’t too good to be a quick hook up?” I spoke quietly, asking not in a judgemental way, but out of genuine curiosity.
Jason’s eyes closed for a second as he blew out a breath. “You know about that.”
“I saw you.”
He nodded slowly. “Lucy, she was just…” He paused for a second, obviously trying to find the right words. “We get a lot of girls who want to hook up with us because of who we are. I don’t always take advantage of it. In fact, I pass up a hell of a lot. Some nights, like last night, I needed… I don’t know…” He shook his head. “She was there. Right place, right time.”
“So… you were horny and you picked up the first woman who threw herself at you?”
His eyes widened in surprise. “Now who’s being judgemental?”
“I’m sorry. That’s not how I meant to sound, I just don’t get it. Why is it okay for you to pick someone up just because, but not for me?”
“Is that why you did it? You were horny and you wanted someone?”
My cheeks flushed again. I couldn’t believe he’d asked me that, but on the other hand, maybe he had no idea of my non-existent experience. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been horny in my life. Or at least, not in the way he meant. The kind of horny that makes you want to screw the first person who looks at you.
“I wasn’t horny. I didn’t even like him much. Like I said, I made a mistake.”
Jason shook his head. “You’re not one of those girls, Lucy. There are some girls who are happy to pick up guys, have a one night thing and then move along. And there will always be guys who are happy to oblige. I’m not an angel by any means, and I admit, I take advantage of who I am sometimes. But you aren’t the kind of girl who could be like them.”
“Why not? Because I’m not pretty enough, and don’t have the kind of boobs that could poke someone’s eyes out?”
Jason laughed, but then his eyes softened as he stared at me for a moment. “Not pretty? You need to take another look in the mirror, Luce. You’re beautiful.”
A little flurry of butterflies started up in my stomach, but scepticism quickly took over. I was dressed in my nightclothes, un-showered and un-groomed. He was just being polite. I glanced down at my barely there cleavage. “Nah. Definitely not beautiful. And severely lacking in certain areas.”
Jason’s eyes moved down to my chest before quickly flicking back up to my face, and I spotted redness on his cheeks. I’d never seen him look like that before, almost embarrassed. The man could fake confidence like nobody I’d ever met. There was no need for him to be embarrassed about looking at my non-boobs - I was the one who’d brought them up.
“You’re not lacking in any areas.” He stood up so abruptly that I jumped at the swiftness of his movement. “I’m gonna take a shower before breakfast. See you downstairs?”
I nodded. “Sure.”
He smiled, a smile that eased my panic and made me forget my name for a second. However, once he’d gone, I reached for my journal and pen. Lying on my stomach, I opened to the next blank page and began to write.
Beautiful. That is a word that means something. Not hot, or gorgeous. Beautiful. For me, that word sums up everything about a person. Not just their looks, but their personality too.
Did Jason really just call me beautiful?
I was having a moment of insecurity, and that’s probably why he said it. I’m just me. Nothing special. Average, I guess.
Maybe I should rip this page out. It’s not supposed to be a place for me to be a total girl and scribble down my thoughts about Jason. I think about him more than enough as it is. But this isn’t really about Jason. It’s about me. About how I feel.
I do appreciate him checking on me, and it’s cool that he thinks I’m worth more than a grope in a back alley, but that girl he picked up? To someone, she is a friend, a daughter, a sister. And they probably feel the same way about her. Even if they don’t, why does she want to be a quick fling for someone? Why does anyone want that?
Women actually can’t win these days. We’re told to go after what we want, to never back down, to live with as much freedom as men have. It’s supposed to be empowering to live life our way. But then, a lot of the time when woman do that, they’re shouted down. Called slags, or easy for doing what men are almost expected to do.
How are we supposed to know what’s right? How am I supposed to know what’s right?
I know what feels right for me, and I guess that’s what matters. And what’s right for me is waiting for a guy who takes my breath away. Maybe this is an ideal I’ve learned from fairy tales and romance novels and it doesn’t truly exist. But for now, I’m willing to believe it. I’m willing to wait.
Chapter 5 – Schnitzel With Noodles
The tour rolled on through Brussels and Frankfurt until we reached Munich, and in that time I’d tried just about every local delicacy that existed, then used any free time I had jogging the extra calories off. Not that there was a lot of free time. In fact, free time was incredibly rare. I’d also learned how to help the guys set up for a gig – or at least as much as my weedy arms would let me. I couldn’t carry much, but at least I knew where to direct the roadies.
Life in a tour bus was… cosy. The bus was pretty cool but our bunks were small and a bit suffocating at times. The fun I had more than made up for it though.
The downside was, I wasn’t having as much fun with Jason anymore. As the week had worn on, he’d grown quieter. The happy, excited Jason I’d spent my first night in Paris with had calmed down, and while his band mates seemed oblivious, I found it increasingly difficult to ignore. I knew better than to ask him about it, though. Firstly, I knew from Ellie that when asked about a problem, he would retreat and shut down more. And secondly, while we’d gotten a little closer, I wasn’t sure we’d gotten close enough for that yet.
My concern reached a peak on the morning of the Munich gig. I was playing Mario Kart with Mack and Joey, all of us racing against each other and laughing as cartoon versions of ourselves overtook each other. Jason had been sullenly watching us when, out of nowhere, he stood up, letting out a growl.
“You okay, buddy?” Mack asked, pausing the game as we turned to look at him.
Jason rubbed his hands up and down on his faded jeans. “Yeah. I just… I need to get out of here.”
As he began to walk towards the bus door, Drew hopped down from his bunk and stood in front of his brother, blocking his exit. “Where are you going?”
Drew spoke sternly, and this was the first time on the tour I’d witnessed what Jason had mentioned in Paris. I almost expected him to say, ‘You shall not pass!’ while brandishing some kind of staff. I didn’t need to see Jason’s face to know his expression. His body stiffened. “I need to get off this damn bus. I want to walk.”
“I’ll come with you.” Drew reached into his bunk and pulled out his jacket, slinging it over his arm.
“No! I need some time to myself.”
“That’s the last thing you need right now.”
“Don’t push me on this, Drew.”
When Drew refused to budge, Jason shoved him backwards, causing him to stumble. Drew straightened up and pushed Jason against his bunk, pinning him in place. The atmosphere grew thick with tension as the pair stared each other out, neither one willing to back down. In the past, their feuds had almost ruined their close relations
hip forever and it hurt my heart to even contemplate them going down that road again.
“Guys.” I leapt up from my seat and ran over to them. “Please. If Jason wants some time alone…”
“You don’t understand, Lucy.” Drew shook his head but released his grip on Jason.
“She understands better than you.” Jason gave Drew a cold stare before turning to me. “You wanna come with me?”
“Yes. But you said you wanted to be on your own.”
“If you come Drew will get off my back.”
“You don’t need a babysitter, Jase. Go, get some air. Give me a call in half an hour and let us know you’re okay. And if you decide you want some company, I’ll come find you.”
Even as I spoke, I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing. I didn’t know what was wrong with him, or if I should have asked him to call. I truly didn’t think he was about to do anything stupid, but in order to pacify everyone, I had to say something that would calm the situation and it was the best compromise I could think of under pressure.
Jason nodded, giving me a tight smile before heading out without a glance at Drew. Once he’d gone, I looked up at Drew; his brown eyes were fixed on me. “I’m sorry. I just… I don’t want to see things fall apart between you two again. You have to give him some space.”
“He shouldn’t have space when he’s like this.”
“Like what? Do you even know what the problem is?”
“He’s craving, Lucy! We’re on tour, and he is stressed and craving cocaine.”
Okay. Maybe they weren’t oblivious. If anyone could spot the signs, it was Drew, and the mere thought of Jason craving shot fear through my veins. But was that really it, or was Drew just panicking over nothing? I mean, I was having a great time on tour but I didn’t have to perform and I was tired. The guys had a lot of pressure on them, and although the feedback from the shows had been super positive, they had to maintain it for another twenty-two gigs with barely a day off in between. And they had to perform every one as if it was their first. It was draining on them all, and every one of them had had an off day during the week. Perhaps it was Jason’s turn for a meltdown.
I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “Trust him, Drew. Just give him this one chance.”
“One chance is all it takes for him to fuck up.” Drew’s face hardened, and I knew him well enough to understand why. It took all of his strength not to run after Jason and lock him inside the bus, but he also knew he couldn’t follow Jason around for the rest of his life to prevent him from using.
I rested my hand on Drew’s arm. “Go and call Ellie. If Jason doesn’t call me in half an hour, we’ll both go and find him, okay?”
Drew nodded. “Okay. Thanks, Lucy.”
I gave him a small nod then headed back to Mack and Joey to continue our game.
What followed was the longest half an hour of my life. I hadn’t realised how much Drew’s panic would rub off on me, but the idea of Jason and cocaine made my heart thunder. It had been a long and rough road for everyone concerned, and I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing my friends and family in so much pain again. The year before, when Jason almost died, I thought my heart was going to break in half. Seeing him suffer had never been easy, but the closer I got to him, the more I understood how much Ellie and Drew had been through. I didn’t want to be in that position. Ever.
When my phone rang, my pulse raced until I heard Jason’s voice – normal-sounding – and he told me where to meet him. I let Drew know where I was going before I left, and then headed out to meet Jason at the café a few streets away, where he sat at an outside table, holding a cup of coffee. Opposite him, another cup of coffee awaited me and I smiled as I sat down.
“Thank you.” I gestured to the steaming mug in front of me.
“You’re welcome. I owe you for getting me out.”
I gave him a sad smile. I’d intended for it to look happier, but my own worry had taken over and my lips didn’t curve upwards as far as I’d expected.
“Don’t look at me like that.” Jason sounded stern but he smiled. “I don’t want you worrying about me too.”
“I can’t help that, Jase. But I will always do whatever I can to stop you feeling suffocated by it.”
“You’re doing a good job so far.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but Jason’s phone started to ring. He snatched it up and held his hand up to let me know he’d be back shortly. My pulse began to race again, wondering why he had to walk away from the table to answer. But he hadn’t gone far, and in between breaks in the passing cars, I caught snippets of the conversation.
“I don’t know what’s made me feel this way. If I knew that I’d be able to fight it.” There was a pause then Jason continued, “No. Nothing has happened. I just feel… weird. I can’t shake it off.”
I wondered if it was Ellie, and she’d called him after speaking to Drew, but he sounded too rational. If he felt like he was being checked up on, he would have flipped.
“I don’t know… No, it’s not that bad… I think I can handle it, I just needed to talk to someone who understands. I didn’t want to leave it for so long that I got myself into a mess. It’s okay that I called you, right?... Yeah, I know, but it’s been a while and I didn’t know if I could still check in with you.” He paused then gave a quiet laugh. “Thanks, mate. Yeah, I know I should have known better. I’m not thinking straight… I will… Okay. Cheers, bye.”
Jason turned his mobile phone over in his hands as he walked back towards me. His eyes looked a little less crazed than they had earlier and as he sat down again, I said, “Who was that?”
“Alex. My sponsor… from rehab.”
“You called him?”
Jason nodded. “As soon as I left the bus, I called him. That was the reason I left. I didn’t want to make the call there because I didn’t want Drew to figure out that I’m having a hard time.” He rolled his eyes. “He already knows, doesn’t he?”
“Yup. Try not to give him too much of a hard time over it, though. He’s just worried.”
“I know. But you are too, and you let me go.”
“And it could have been a really dumb move on my part. But I didn’t know that at the time. Level with me, Jase. How bad are the cravings right now?”
“Nowhere near as bad as they have been in the past. But bad enough that I needed to call Alex.” He shook his head. “I’m really okay, Lucy. I swear. Being on the road triggers it because it means I spend a lot of time in the kind of places where I used to score. Where it’s easy to score. I can handle it, though.”
I bit my lower lip. Ellie and Drew had heard him say those exact words a million times, and they’d trusted him, only to be let down over and over. The thing with addicts is that they make exceptional liars, especially when they get desperate. They become tangled up in their own deceit, causing chaos and heartache for everyone around them. But… he looked different somehow. I stared deep into his eyes and saw only honesty.
“Okay. Okay.”
Jason gave a small, genuine smile and reached over for my hand. “You know when we were in Paris and I said you’d be my sanity on this tour?” I nodded again. “It’s true. You’ve helped me a lot, and you don’t even realise. That makes you pretty special.”
His words and his touch caused tingles to ripple through me, but like always, I pushed the feeling away, knowing he didn’t mean it the way I wanted him to.
“We’re friends, Jase. I’ll always do whatever I can for you.”
His eyes dimmed for a moment and he moved his hand away, picking up his coffee cup again. Wanting to shift his focus elsewhere, I gave his leg a gentle nudge with mine under the table. “Cheer up. It’s party night tonight! And two more days before we get some time off.”
Time off with Ellie, who was joining us the next day in Vienna. The idea of seeing her made me jiggle in my seat a little – I couldn’t wait to catch up with her!
“I could definitely use a few drinks tonigh
t. Maybe the real problem is that I’m getting a little stir crazy from being on the bus.” He said that last part more to himself than to me, his eyes moving away from me and into the distance. He stayed silent for a few minutes, as if he was trying to figure something out, and I couldn’t take my gaze off him. I was sure my stare wasn’t helping, but he looked so… lost. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and try to help him find his way back. Back to himself, to the band, to the moment we were in.
“Jase,” I whispered.
His gaze snapped back to mine, and as our eyes met, he took in a deep breath. “You’re right. Two more days and then we can raise some hell in Prague.”
If it was possible to see someone visibly find their way back from wherever they’d gone to, that was what I saw in Jason as his muscles seemed to loosen and he rolled his shoulders backwards a few times. “You wanna go grab some food?”
“Sure.”
“And what local delicacy will we be sampling today?” Jason chuckled as we stood up. He and Mack were the only people who got a kick out of my need to try local dishes.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and did a quick Google search for traditional German foods. I had a quick read and scrolled through the options before handing the phone to Jason. “Schnitzel?”
Honestly, I chose that because it was one of the only things I could pronounce.
“Schnitzel with noodles?”
Jason had a smirk on his face and my mouth dropped open. “Did you just make a reference to The Sound of Music?”
“Yeah. You love that movie, right?”
My cheeks burned and I closed my eyes. “I used to. When I was a kid.”
“You used to watch that on repeat. I remember hearing those songs over and over when I was at your house.”
“Oh God.” I buried my face in my hands.
It was not only embarrassing but slightly soul destroying too. I didn’t want him to remember things I did as a child. I wanted him to forget he ever knew me then, and see me as someone different. An adult.