Distant Heart

by Tracey Bateman

  Ginger stuck her head through the flap at daybreak and had five words to say. “Lord have mercy, that stinks.”

  “It will soothe her burns and keep the poison away,” Yellow Bird spoke up before Toni could scowl and order Ginger from the wagon. The young Indian woman had the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon. No wonder Sam Two-Feathers had completely forgotten that Toni existed. In the light of this woman, Toni definitely walked in a shadow.

  Jealousy so strong it hurt gripped her. “I’m leaving for awhile,” she announced.

  “Yes,” Yellow Bird said softly. “You must rest.”

  “What about you?” Ginger asked. “I’ll watch over Amanda while you get yourself some shut-eye.”

  Yellow Bird’s face clouded with confusion. “Shut-eye?”

  “Sleep. You know, you shut your eyes?”

  Her sensual lips curved into a smile. “Yes, I know. Shut-eye. I will have some and you will watch A-man-da.”

  Ginger’s face split into a grin. “You catch on fast. Blake says the men are going out hunting. They found a herd of buffalo a few miles south and figure we ought to get some food stored up.”

  “Two-Feathers is going to hunt buffalo as well?”

  Toni stiffened at the woman’s use of Sam’s Indian name. It just seemed too familiar. As though the two of them had a special connection shared with no one else. Well, of course they did with them both being Indians, but unless Toni missed her guess, Yellow Bird wanted much more than camaraderie brought about by blood. She was looking to get married and Sam was the man she had in her sights.

  “Nah,” Ginger was saying. “Blake claimed rights to get in on this hunt. He’s missed the last two. So it’s Sam’s turn to watch over the wagon train.” She chuckled. “He ain’t too happy about it neither.”

  The relief in Yellow Bird’s face sent another wave of unease through Toni. This woman was staking her claim.

  Ginger pointed to Yellow Bird’s stomach. “When’s that little papoose going to be born anyway?”

  “Ginger!” Toni said, aghast.

  But the Indian woman only smiled. Apparently Ginger had enchanted her somehow and the feeling was mutual. “It is all right. My baby is growing impatient. It will not be long.”

  “You think that trader’s gonna come after you?”

  Oh, for mercy’s sake. The woman had not even a little sense of propriety. But again Yellow Bird didn’t seem to take offense.

  “The trader Orlan is not a good man. He will trade the baby to the Pawnee and also me if we go back, but no, I do not believe he will come after me. He tired of me after the baby began growing in me.”

  Ginger gave a bitter snort. “Just like a man. Get a woman with child and then lose interest when she gets fat with it.”

  Toni groaned.

  Yellow Bird frowned as though trying to make sense of the words. Then they sank in and she giggled. Toni hadn’t known Indian women even laughed in merriment. “I did not mind his loss of interest.”

  “I just bet.” Ginger laughed and the two seemed to share a moment that did not include Toni. Was this woman going to steal everyone that mattered?

  Sam swallowed hard under Toni’s scrutinizing gaze. Why had she come to the Bible study if all she was going to do was glare? Her arms were folded in telltale fashion and he could practically see her seething. It wasn’t easy to share about the love of God while she sat there breathing fire that definitely was not divine. Still, he had a responsibility to follow through on the scripture he’d felt the urge to share.

  “God commendeth his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. Unconditional love means we make the right choice even before we see results or gratitude. The way Christ died on the chance that one person would accept his salvation. It’s a dying to self and our own wants and dreams. Especially when giving up those dreams brings us pain. Jesus struggled against the cross. We see that when he prayed in the garden the night before he died. He asked his father to let the cup of death pass from him. But it wasn’t possible and he ultimately allowed his love to compel him to the cross. Love doesn’t always feel good. But it always leads us toward the right course for our lives.”

  Sam scanned the small group of travelers that had gathered for the Bible study. He dared to allow his gaze to fall on Toni. Pity clenched his heart, and when she looked back all traces of anger melted away by the salty tears flowing down her cheeks.

  Twenty-Two

  Toni awoke to the sound of Amanda’s sobs. According to Grant, her burns should be healing well. But the sobbing grew worse. She seemed more alert, but unable or unwilling to carry on a conversation.

  “Do you think the doctor has some laudanum?” was all she’d managed to say in a couple of days. Apparently she was in too much pain.

  Toni’s request to Grant Kelley had been met with a scowl. “Her burns aren’t that bad. I’ve had worse shoeing my horse.”

  Amanda had cried when Toni relayed the message. And now she was crying again.

  “Amanda?” Toni’s voice whispered into the dark wagon. “Are you all right?”

  “It hurts so bad. Toni, I have to have laudanum.”

  If she was in that much pain, Grant would just have to give her something to make her feel better. And if he wouldn’t listen to reason, she’d go to Blake and force the issue. This refusal was nothing less than cruelty to a woman who had already been through unimaginable pain over the last few months.

  “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” she said.

  Amanda nodded. “Hurry, please.”

  Toni slid on her shoes, a worn pair of false button-up shoes with a low heel. She’d bought them from an officer’s wife at Fort Laramie after her laces broke on her old ones. These were much more practical and comfortable as far as she was concerned. She hadn’t quite gotten the courage to take Miss Sadie up on the offer to make her a pair of moccasins, even though Fannie sang their praises regularly.

  Toni slipped out of the wagon and into the darkness of the sleeping camp. Only a few small fires burned and only guards remained awake. “Where are you going, Miss Toni?” Andrew Shewmate asked.

  “Are you watching over me tonight, Mr. Shewmate?” Toni had difficulty hiding her irritation. Honestly, it was ridiculous the way Sam insisted she be doubly guarded.

  “Yes, Miss. And you know I can’t let you wander around camp alone.”

  “Oh, I’m not. I’m just going to find Mr. Kelley.”

  “Grant’s off patrolling tonight.”

  Frustration rolled over her. “How long will he be gone?”

  “All night, I imagine.”

  “Listen, I have to go see Mr. Tanner. Are you going to give me any trouble?”

  “No.” His eyes scanned her face and there was no mistaking the sincerity.

  “Good. I’ll see you when I return.”

  “Nope.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m coming with you.”

  “I declare,” she muttered. “I might as well be a prisoner.”

  “I think that’s what we’re trying to keep from happening, Miss Toni.” He fell into step beside her, unapologetically.

  The quiet admonishment in his tone shamed Toni. “I suppose I should be grateful anyone cares about keeping me safe, but I just don’t believe there’s a threat that the Cheyenne will be back. We’ve gone too far now.”

  “Best we leave supposin’ about Indians to those who know best.”

  Now the incorrigible man was just irritating. “Well, I suppose that’s easy to say when you’re not the one being followed around every second by a man you hardly know.”

  “Sorry, Miss Toni. I’m just doin’ what I was told. If you’d have brought Ginger with you I wouldn’t have to follow you.”

  “Ginger’s been snoring for four hours.”

  “Well then, I got no choice.”

  “Then you’d best come on, because I’m going to speak with Blake.”

  Toni hesitated out
side of Blake and Fannie’s tent before mustering up the courage to call out. “Fannie! Blake!”

  Immediately she heard stirring inside and stepped back to wait. “Toni?” Fannie hissed through the canvas. “Is that you?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry to wake you up. I need to speak to you both about Amanda.”

  “Does it have to be tonight? Blake’s sleeping.”

  Toni scowled and planted her hands on her hips. “Yes, it has to be right now. Don’t you think I figured he was sleeping? It’s important.”

  “I’m up,” Blake groused. “Don’t throw a fit, Toni.”

  “I’m not!”

  They appeared directly. Blake didn’t look at all happy, and when he spoke, he didn’t even try to hide his irritation. “What is it that couldn’t wait until morning?”

  “Amanda is in terrible pain and Grant refuses to give her anything to ease it.”

  “That doesn’t sound like Grant,” Fannie said. “Are you certain you didn’t misunderstand?”

  “I’m certain.”

  “But Grant’s usually the first one to want to help when anyone is hurt.”

  “Not this time.” Toni felt Fannie’s words like a betrayal. “Perhaps he has something against grieving widows.”

  “Stop supposing. Both of you.” Blake raked his fingers through thick black hair. “I know why he won’t give her anything. And I happen to agree with him.”

  Fannie stared up at her husband. “What do you mean?”

  Blake hesitated.

  “Tell us,” Fannie demanded.

  He shrugged his muscular shoulders. “The woman is what’s vulgarly referred to as an opium eater.”

  Outrage filled Toni. “That is beyond ridiculous.” But somehow, all the listlessness and slurred speech, desire to sleep, disorientation when she was awake; it all made sense if she were taking too much laudanum.

  “Wait a minute,” Fannie said. “What’s an opium eater?”

  Toni turned to her. “Exactly what it sounds like. Someone addicted to opium. Mostly in the form of laudanum.”

  “You mean medicine?” Fannie’s incredulous voice only reminded Toni how far removed she was from decent women. Even Fannie, with her indentured past, had been sheltered from most of the world’s depravity. Toni had seen too many prostitutes using the stuff to dull their wits in order to perform for their male customers night after night.

  “Yes, Fannie,” Toni replied. “The same medicine that dulls pain dulls the senses, and for some people enough use causes them to want more and more.”

  “You seem to know an awful lot about it,” Blake said, that old familiar sneer on his face.

  “Yes I do.” She faced off with him, unwilling to allow him to make her feel any lower than she already felt. “Now, what’s this about Amanda? I have never seen her take anything.”

  “Tell that to Charles Harrison.”

  “What’s Charles got to do with anything?”

  “The reason he’s still laid up in his wagon letting his children drive the team is because the bottle of laudanum Amanda had in her apron pocket broke when he threw her on the ground and put out the fire.”

  “That’s what he had sticking in his stomach?”

  “What did you think it was?”

  “I thought a sharp rock or stick.”

  “Well, you thought wrong. And now a good man is injured.” He shoved his finger toward her. “That woman is not to receive one drop. Is that understood?”

  “But she’s crying in pain, Blake. How do we ease her pain if she’s not allowed laudanum?”

  “The burns aren’t that bad. Not pleasant for sure, but not severe enough to risk it.”

  “I’m sorry, Toni.” Fannie placed her hand on Toni’s arm. “I have to agree with Blake this time. Amanda has been behaving strangely and has scared Katie a couple of times thinking she’s Becca. I sympathize with all Amanda’s had to endure, but we can’t take a chance that she might be a danger to someone.”

  Toni knew she was outnumbered. And truly, she didn’t blame them. Thinking back to the times Amanda seemed listless and unresponsive, she knew Grant’s diagnosis was right.

  “Why didn’t Grant simply tell me?”

  “We decided to let her get away from the effects with as few people knowing as possible. Mrs. Kane is a good woman and has been through a lot,” Blake said. “There’s no point in having people gossip.”

  “Grant said it shouldn’t take too many days to clear her body of all of the effects of the medicine,” Blake said, speaking a little more gently than before. “In the meantime, now you know what she’s going through so you might help her remember that she’ll be better soon.”

  Toni nodded. “I’m sorry to have wakened you.”

  Fannie reached forward and wrapped her arms around Toni. “You’re a good friend. Amanda is blessed that you came into her life. Just like I am. Right Blake?”

  Toni cringed. Why must Fannie constantly try to bring Blake around? The man would never like her. It was time for Fannie to accept the fact and be grateful that he didn’t forbid Fannie to be her friend.

  “Well, Blake?”

  Toni touched her friend’s arm. “It’s all right, Fannie.”

  “No it isn’t. If it weren’t for you we’d likely still be in Hawkins, Kansas, in that terrible life.”

  Fannie had to know that wasn’t true. If anything it was the other way around. The girl had hidden things away and planned her escape for over a year. Toni joined the effort at the last minute. But when stubborn Fannie got something in her head, there was no telling her anything.

  Toni shook her head at poor Blake and gave a little shrug of surrender. He may as well give in too if he wanted to get any sleep at all for the rest of the night. He must have understood her signals, because he gave a large sigh. “Fine. You’re a lucky woman to have a friend like Toni. Satisfied?”

  Fannie crossed her arms over her chest. “That didn’t sound very convincing. Why must you always be so stubborn where Toni’s concerned?”

  Toni’s patience gave out. “Goodnight, you two.”

  “Wait Toni…Blake has something to say.”

  Weary of the argument, Toni held up a silencing hand. “Fannie. Why make the man tell a lie? If he doesn’t want to like me, let him not like me. I’m used to it. Truly, I’m grateful to him for allowing us to join the train. I’m grateful that he came after us with Sam and Grant and brought us back, and I’m grateful that he loves you so much. Beyond that, let the man alone and be a good wife to him. He deserves that much. Now I’m finished here. I’m tired and I just learned bad news about a dear friend. Goodnight.” She spun on her heel, leaving Fannie and Blake staring she knew, but she just didn’t have the heart to listen to them bicker in front of her any more.

  Sam awoke with a start and sat up quickly as Toni flounced by, followed by Andrew Shewmate, who scrambled to keep up. Toni was obviously upset, a circumstance that didn’t sit well with Sam. He slid on his moccasins and hurried after them. In a few short strides, he caught up. He clapped Andrew on the shoulder. “It’s all right. I’ll walk her back to her wagon.”

  “Better be careful walking alone with me in the middle of the night,” Toni said, the sarcasm in her tone completely out of character. “I might feel compromised, then you’d have to marry me.”

  “Toni, please…”

  “Please?” she stopped short and whipped about to face him. Anger flashed in her eyes. “Please pretend that kiss between us never happened? Please pretend that you haven’t spoken more than two words to me in the week you’ve been back? Or wait. Maybe you mean, please don’t have any feelings about the fact that you’ve brought a pregnant Indian woman into camp. An Indian woman who appears to be preparing to be your wife.” She folded her arms across her chest. “Well? Which one were you referring to?”

  “Please do not be angry with me.”

  Her shoulders slumped and her face crumpled. Sam reached forward, but she stopped him with a palm to his chest. �
��Don’t take me in your arms,” she whispered through trembling lips. “It’s too hard when you let go.”

  She turned and walked away. Sam followed. “Please don’t follow me, Sam. I can make it back safely from here. You know I can. There are no less than four guards between me and the wagon.”

  “You do not want me to see you safely to your wagon?”

  “No, Sam. I don’t,” she said over her shoulder. “Goodnight.”

  Sam watched her until she reached her wagon and ducked inside her tent. He noted both guards standing watch. Satisfied that she was looked after, he turned back toward his own bedroll.

  Pain squeezed his heart as he lay close enough to the fire to accept its warmth, but not so close he might end up with worse burns than Mrs. Kane. The hurt in Toni’s eyes had nearly done him in. He wanted to ask her to be his wife. His mind raced with the possibilities. But how could they ever be together in this world where the color of a man’s skin defined him in so many eyes?

  Maybe he was nothing more than a coward.

  Twenty-Three

  Toni opened her eyes to find Amanda kneeling next to her. “What’s wrong? You scared me half to death.”

  “Shh,” her friend smiled and pointed to the sleeping Ginger. “Let’s not wake her up. I’m feeling so much better. I want a bath. Will you come with me?”

  Something didn’t feel right. “Amanda, are you sure you should be getting those burns in water just yet?”

  Waving away her concerns, Amanda let out a small laugh. “I’m willing to risk it because I think the water will soothe the stinging,” she whispered. “Besides, it’s been so long since I’ve had a bath, I’m afraid people are going to mistake me for Ginger when they smell me coming.”

  A smile played at the corners of Toni’s lips. “I’d love to go with you, but the guards won’t let me leave camp without Sam’s permission.”

  “You get dressed. I’ll take care of the guards.”

  Though dubious, Toni shrugged. “You can try if you want.”

  By the time Toni was dressed, Amanda had returned. “All set?”