Distant Heart

by Tracey Bateman

“Should we wake Ginger and have her come with us?”

  “Let her sleep. She’s going to be scouting all day tomorrow. Plus I’ve noticed she’s been coughing. She should probably not come out by the water at night.”

  Toni had noticed the cough too. Amanda had a point.

  She nodded. “What did you do with the guards?”

  “Promised to use the last of my jarred apples and bake them a pie if they’d let us go to the creek so I could have a bath before the whole camp wakes up.”

  “They agreed to leave their posts for a pie?” Toni was almost insulted at the lack of loyalty from the men who were supposed to be her protectors. She almost suspected Amanda of lying, but when she stepped outside, not one guard stood there to order her back inside or walk with her wherever she was going.

  A feeling of nakedness overwhelmed her. And the image of Swooping Eagle’s face haunted her.

  “Amanda, wait.” Her friend turned.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing really. I just…I don’t think we should go alone.”

  “Oh, Toni. Don’t be a chicken.” Her voice sounded trembly, as though she might burst into tears. “You said you’d go with me.”

  “Are you sure you’re up to this?” Toni asked.

  “Toni, please!” Her voice rose slightly. “I-I have to do this.”

  “All right. I’m sorry.” Amanda probably did crave the cool water on her legs. And after all the sweating and pain she’d endured, a nice bath would likely hit the spot.

  The two women remained as quiet as possible as they left the campsite and wandered toward the creek. There were more rocks and less trees in this part of the country and not too many places to hide while undressing. So when they reached the creek, Toni looked around. “All right. You get undressed, I’ll stand guard.”

  Amanda whipped around and grabbed Toni by the arms. The wild look in her eyes scared the fire out of Toni. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Toni, I can’t do this to you. You have to get back to camp, right now.”

  “You aren’t making any sense.”

  A sob caught in Amanda’s throat. “The two men that went with Sam. They must have overheard someone talking about the laudanum. They came to my tent last night while you were gone and said if I’d bring you to the woods, they’d give me some. And even had a little for me as sort of a down payment.”

  Amanda’s words began to sink in and fear shot through her. That explained why the woman had stopped sobbing and had fallen into a blissful sleep by the time Toni returned to her tent.

  “Let’s get back to camp,” she said, disgusted with Amanda but glad she’d decided to tell the truth before it was too late. She whipped around as Amanda screamed.

  “Don’t give us any trouble, lady.” Tim, the man who had lost his wife and daughter, held her fast. He glanced at Amanda. “Here’s your pay.” He shoved a bottle into her hands.

  Amanda shoved it back. “No. No, take it back. Let her go. Please, let her go.”

  Anger shot through Toni as she registered the betrayal. She’d been sold out for what? A bottle of medicine?

  “Toni, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  “I don’t understand. What do you men want with me?”

  “Not what you’re thinking, dirty whore.”

  Amanda’s sobs were growing louder. “Toni, please say you forgive me.”

  “All right. Amanda, I forgive you.”

  “No. You couldn’t. They’re going to…”

  “What? What are they going to do?” Toni’s heart began to beat wildly in her chest as her suspicion grew.

  “They’re taking you to that Indian. He told Sam he’d let the other captives go in exchange for you.”

  Toni’s body went all at once hot and cold. “You’re taking me to the Cheyenne?” Her gaze lifted to meet Tim’s but he refused to look her in the eye.

  “I got no choice if I’m to get my little girl back.”

  “But I thought the soldiers were going to go in and demand their return.”

  “That’s what they say,” Brian answered. “But by the time the army gets there, it might be too late. I can’t take a chance on my sister being there any longer. All we got to do is deliver you to Swooping Eagle and we get our loved ones back.”

  Even to Toni, it sounded logical. Why not trade a whore for three beautiful females who had full wonderful lives ahead of them? Somehow, it made sense.

  “All right. Did you think to steal a horse for me?”

  “You ain’t gonna fight us?” Tim asked.

  Toni shook her head. “What’s the use?”

  “We got horses hid a half a mile downstream.”

  “Then let’s go.”

  “What about her?” Tim asked nodding toward Amanda.

  “Let her go. She’s already got half that bottle gone. She ain’t a threat,” commanded Brian.

  Tim shook his head in disgust. “All right. Let’s go.”

  “Over my dead body.”

  Toni nearly wept with relief at the sound of Ginger’s familiar hoarse voice. “You two men drop your guns to the ground and kick ‘em aside.”

  “Don’t even try to keep us from taking her, girlie.” Tim snarled and tried to grab onto Toni, but she dodged him and ran to Ginger’s side.

  “I’m not trying, I’m doin’. If you don’t do as I say, I’m gonna have to shoot. And don’t think I won’t. Now, do you want your little girl to be an orphan? Or do you want to be here when the army brings her back?”

  “Better do as she says, men.”

  Sam and Grant walked toward them guns drawn. Brian and Tim relented.

  “How’d you two know?” Ginger asked.

  Sam spoke to Ginger, but kept his eyes on Toni. She was just so grateful to be rescued, it was all she could do not to throw herself into Sam’s arms. “Yellow Bird saw Mrs. Kane leading her out of here and assumed the two men had found someone else to betray you.”

  “Betray me?” Toni asked. Her body began to shake.

  “First, they thought Yellow Bird would want to get you out of the way. So they went to her with the proposition that she lure you away from the wagon train where they would kidnap you and take you to Swooping Eagle.”

  Sam couldn’t wait any longer and he reached for Toni and pulled her into the warmth of his arms. Mindless of the stares of the people around, she nestled into his chest, enjoying the comfort for however long it lasted.

  “Why would they think Yellow Bird wanted to get me out of the way?”

  He gave a short laugh and pulled back. “Apparently, I am unable to hide the way I feel about you from anyone but you.”

  Toni hesitated. “What are you saying exactly?”

  “That I’m through fighting my love for you. I’m asking you to marry me.”

  “It’s about time you got some sense in that thick head of yours.”

  “Ginger, please,” Toni said. Couldn’t she even get a proposal without Ginger butting in?

  “All right, I’m gonna get these two idiots back to camp before they hurt someone.” She looked at Grant and jerked her head toward Amanda. “You’d best go get her. You’ll probably have to carry her back to camp.”

  “What do you think will happen to Amanda?” Toni asked. “She needs help. You don’t think Blake will force her to leave the train, do you?”

  Sam tightened his arms around her. “I don’t know. Blake will want to speak with her and there will most likely be ramifications for these actions. But perhaps he will be lenient since her heart is in so much pain.”

  “Oh, I hope so.”

  Brian’s eyes flashed with raw hatred. “I hope you know you’ve probably condemned my sister to life as a squaw.”

  “As you were about to do to Toni,” Sam said grimly. “However, the soldiers should be arriving at the camp of Swooping Eagle any day to try to negotiate their release. I do not think the Cheyenne are ready for a war.”

  “You’d best be right,” Tim said. His voic
e broke. “This isn’t fair.”

  “I know,” Sam said, his voice filled with kindness. “But we can’t trade one person for another.”

  “I don’t know how you can compare that woman to my little girl.”

  “You were wrong when you said we should trade Toni to Swooping Eagle because there was no one who cared about her.”

  Sam took Toni’s hand and laced her fingers with his. “I love this woman with my whole heart and I wouldn’t give her up to save a thousand lives.” He spoke with such conviction, Toni’s heart nearly burst with pride.

  “All right,” Ginger said, firmly. “Enough of this jawin’. I’m getting’ them back to camp and you two have unfinished business.”

  Sam’s fingers remained curled around Toni’s as they watched until the others were out of sight. Then he turned to her. “Well?”

  “You’re waiting for an answer?”

  “You know I am.”

  “What about Yellow Bird?”

  “I had thought I might make the offer of marriage to her,” he admitted, sending shards of pain through Toni’s heart at the very thought of losing Sam to another woman. “We are both Indian. It would have been easy for society to accept such a marriage. But even Yellow Bird knew it would not be the right thing between us. She came to me tonight and spoke from her heart. She could see how much I love you and did not want to be the reason I wasn’t with the woman I love.”

  “I see.” Toni truly didn’t know what else to say. She stared out at the eastern horizon where the darkness was beginning to fade over the mountains. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

  Sam unlaced their fingers and wrapped his arm around her waist. He stared into her eyes as he drew her closer and closer. “Oregon is even more beautiful. The valleys are lush and the land wide open for planting. I dream of building a mission there for the tribes. To teach them about Jesus and perhaps eventually open a school.”

  Toni’s heart sank, as clarity once more invaded her mind. She could never be with Sam. She was still a former prostitute and he had his heart set on preaching. God surely wouldn’t want him marrying someone like her. “You’ll be wonderful, Sam.”

  His brow creased. “But…?”

  “But there’s still a problem.”

  “What’s that?” his eyes searched hers. “You don’t love me?”

  “You know I do.” Tears filled Toni’s eyes. “You said we couldn’t be together because of my past.”

  “I’m sure I never said anything like that.”

  “Yes, you did. I heard you speaking to Blake not long ago. You said you didn’t see how a marriage could ever work between us.”

  Dumbfounded, Sam stared.

  “You see? You can’t even deny it.”

  “You heard that?”

  Toni nodded. The warmth of Sam’s arms felt too good to walk away, even if he was about to take back the proposal.

  “Why did you think that had anything to do with your past?”

  That wasn’t exactly the explanation she was looking for. Instead, she had to be the one to explain. “B-because—well, what else could it be?”

  Sam’s eyes filled with tenderness and he pulled her closer. “I’m going to kiss you.” And his lips pressed to hers. Toni’s arms slipped around his neck as she returned kiss for kiss. His arms and lips evoked feelings she’d never known. She felt like a giddy schoolgirl as his love for her drove the thought of every man who had used her from her mind.

  Sam pulled away and took her hands in his. He pressed them to his chest and demanded her gaze. “Don’t you know I mean it when I say you are pure and clean before God?” Sam asked, his brown eyes filled with earnest devotion. “I would never be the one to make you feel as though you were still the woman that lived above George’s Saloon. You are in all ways new and chaste. In God’s eyes and mine.”

  Toni’s heart was so full, a burst of laughter flooded her. Then she stopped.

  “Then what did you mean?” she whispered. “When you said a marriage could never work between us?”

  He smiled and pressed his warm, soft lips to her forehead, “What I meant was that I am half Indian and you are a white woman.”

  Toni felt her jaw drop. Then anger hit her. “Do you mean to tell me that you almost didn’t ask me to marry you because people wouldn’t like a white woman to be married to a half Indian man?”

  He smiled, but nodded. “That’s exactly right.”

  “God looks at the heart, and so do I. I never thought about you being an Indian except for how handsome you are.”

  “I’m glad my appearance pleases you.” He gave her a quick kiss, then pulled away again. “We’re bound to face some difficulty eventually because I’m half Sioux. So weigh your decision carefully before you answer.”

  Stubbornness squared Toni’s shoulders and raised her chin. She looked Sam full in the eyes. “I’ve already answered.”

  “You have?”

  “Haven’t I?” Toni frowned, her mind going over every word they’d spoken. “Perhaps I haven’t. Then let me tell you why I want to marry you.” She lifted her face and gave him a brief kiss. “Because this is the second time you’ve come to my rescue. The first time you came after me when George kidnapped me, and you brought me back. The second time you came after me before these two could even take me away.”

  Sam pressed his finger to her lips. “And from now on, I’ll never let you go in the first place. If you’ll answer the question. Will you marry me?”

  Toni closed her eyes, reveling in how safe she felt in Sam’s strong and capable arms. “Kiss me, and you’ll have my answer.”

  The years of heartache melted away in the promise of this man’s love. She knew she had nothing to fear. Nothing from the past could touch her now. And in Sam’s eyes she felt truly beautiful. In his arms she knew that God had truly swept away her destroyed past and ahead was a life of beauty and happiness with the man God had created for her.

  Toni’s eyes filled with tears as Sam gently pressed his lips to hers. She kissed him back in a way that she prayed left no doubt in his mind that she was going to be his bride.

  Dear Readers,

  The theme of Beauty for Ashes never fails to amaze and draw me. Like so many of you, I have areas in my past that still bring me pain. But God is unwavering in faithfulness, constantly reminding me of his grace, mercy, and unfailing love for me. Like Toni, I’ve many times felt scarred, ugly, unworthy of love, and many times I’ve pulled away from the very arms that tried to reach out to me, both human and heavenly. I’m so glad that God sees us for who we truly are. Deep down in a place that only He knows about. And he never, ever gives up. Brokenness draws his compassion and He’ll never ignore an honest cry.

  In Distant Heart I addressed not only my heroine’s need to surrender her past to God and accept his grace once and for all, but also other people’s perception of her based on her past. Other Christians who found it so difficult to give her the benefit of the doubt. Just as I see myself in Toni, sadly, I often see myself in those who judge her as well.

  If there’s one thing I pray, it’s that we, as Christians would open our hearts and arms to the men and women who walk into the church wounded, battered and in desperate need of a kind word or gentle embrace. I think Jesus could do so much more on the earth, if we could stop defining the lost by the scars they display. Perhaps not be so afraid of loving those we fear—not fear physically, but maybe we’re afraid to see a little of ourselves in the unlovely, the prostitute, the adulterer, the alcoholic. Because never has it been truer that only grace separates me from the stripper in a little dive who is trying to make a living for her children, or the prostitute who ran away from an abusive home and somehow has to survive on the streets because that’s better than the alternative. The alcoholic or drug addict who never meant to become so dependent on the one thing that numbed the pain.

  Only Jesus can save.

  I pray as you read this that God reminded you His great love goes beyond the thing
s you’ve done. Beyond what you do. His mercy and grace never change and his love never fails. May He exchange beauty for the hurt and ashes of your past. And shower you with hope for a bright tomorrow. Remember your best days are yet to come.

  Until next time, may God bless you richly and make His face shine upon you.

  Tracey Bateman

  Discussion Questions

  In the beginning, Toni feels her outward scars will make people see her differently, perhaps make them forget about her past. What does God say truly matters? Have there been instances when you felt your suffering somehow made you more acceptable to God? Less?

  Toni doesn’t feel like she’s good enough for Sam because of his relationship with God. When have you felt that you didn’t measure up spiritually to another Christian? How did you overcome the tendency to compare yourself to others?

  Fannie’s friendship with Toni is true and real, but she’s constantly battling Blake because of his opinion of Toni. How might that have backfired? What would God expect of Fannie in this situation?

  Ginger is surly and rude at times, and yet Toni continues to be her friend. Has God ever brought someone into your life like this? Were you willing to love against all reason? Would you?

  Do you know someone who is suffering from scars of a sinful past? How do those scars manifest themselves? Are you willing to be God’s hands to reach out in love?

  Amanda Kane chooses to dull her pain with a drug. Have you or someone you’ve known ever done the same thing? How do we as a body of Christ help other believers who are dealing with addiction? What are some common ways people medicate themselves against pain?

  Sam’s assumption that he isn’t right for Toni because he’s half Indian brings the race issue into the book. How do you see this issue? We know that the Israelites were forbidden to marry anyone of a different race that might introduce false gods or religions in their midst, but what, if anything, does God, in the New Testament, have to say about intermarrying?

  Tim and Brian were desperate to retrieve their loved ones, so much so that they were willing to trade Toni to accomplish their goals. They saw Toni as less valuable as a person because of her past. Have you ever considered others as less because of where they come from or because you can see their sin on the outside?