Sooo Not Looking For a Man: A witty, heart-warming and poignant, feel-good journey.

by CJ Morrow

  ‘This looks very elegant,’ he says once we’re in the kitchen, indicating my dining table which I’ve laid with a schmancy tablecloth Mum no longer uses. There’s a pile of cutlery and some mats because I haven’t had time to set the table.

  ‘Thank you. Would you like a glass?’ I hold up his wine bottle.

  ‘No, thanks. Not for me. I’m driving.’ Ah, his intention is for me to drink it all. Again. He really isn’t very subtle. I put the bottle, unopened, in the fridge.

  ‘I’ve made a pasta Bolognese. I hope you like it.’ I do hope he likes it, but, at the same time, I don’t care if he doesn’t.

  ‘Oh yes. I’m easily pleased.’

  I stir my pan, slowly mixing the meat sauce and pasta together. ‘It will be ready right on time,’ I say, pointedly. He doesn’t reply. ‘I saw Alfie yesterday when I was out with Shadow,’ I add, and it sounds quite out of the blue.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yes, we took a different route on our walk and I ended up outside their new house. Very nice. Have you been there?’

  He hesitates for a moment. Of course he’s been there, why would he not?

  ‘Just the once,’ he replies.

  ‘Is it as lovely inside as outside? Or is it full of Leeward’s dark furniture and blackout curtains?’

  ‘No, it’s really rather glamorous. I think Alfie has taken over the interior design. You know, silver mirrors and pale grey furnishings. In fact, I didn’t see anything dark at all.’ For someone who’s only been there once he’s very familiar with the detail.

  Shadow comes bounding in from the garden and stops in her tracks when she sees Ken. She barks several times at him.

  ‘It’s all right, girl,’ I say. ‘It’s Ken.’ Shadow gives Ken one final bark before slurping nosily from her water bowl then flopping into her bed in the corner.

  A forced smile flashes across Ken’s beautiful face.

  I turn back to the pasta and stir it some more.

  The doorbell goes. Ken twitches. Shadow barks.

  ‘Excuse me.’ I smile as I leave the kitchen.

  ‘Hey,’ I say as Phillip stands before me. He has Betty with him. ‘Come in, come in.’ He looks even more presentable than he did yesterday. I think he may even have attempted a shave.

  ‘Is it okay if I bring her in? Or would you prefer me to leave her outside?’ He glances around for somewhere to tie her.

  ‘No, no, bring her in. I’m sure Shadow will be delighted to see her.’ As Phillip steps inside, and passes close to me I can smell shampoo or shower gel. He’s definitely made an effort.

  Betty bounds into the kitchen ahead of us and jumps up at Ken’s legs, barking and yelping. He steps back in an attempt to escape her.

  ‘Down, Betty,’ says Phillip. Betty immediately stops her antics.

  ‘Two dogs.’ Ken bends down and starts wiping the dog hairs from his trousers while Betty slinks off to join Shadow in her basket. They twine themselves together repeating their yin-yang pose.

  ‘Sorry about that,’ Phillip says, glancing at Ken before looking at me.

  Ken offers a tight smile.

  ‘Ken, meet Phillip, and, err vice versa.’ I laugh and sound a bit like a maniac.

  The two men nod at each other, I suspect there won’t be a great friendship developing here. They’re almost the same height, both tall, but there the similarity ends. Ken is super-groomed and fills out his expensive clothes with his muscle and power; Phillip is thin and pale and, although his clothes are fine, they hang limply on him.

  Ken looks at me for an explanation.

  ‘Oh, sorry, Ken, I forgot to say I’d invited Phillip too. The more the merrier, eh.’ I turn back to the pasta, if I stir it anymore it will be whipped, so I stop and go over to lay the table.

  Ken watches me closely; I can feel his eyes boring into my skin. He’s probably wondering what I’m playing at; I’m wondering too.

  ‘Perhaps I will have that glass of wine,’ he says, his voice deliberately lazy as though to hide his irritation.

  ‘Good idea.’ I make my voice as bright as I can. ‘What about you, Phil?’ Inwardly I cringe. I’ve just called Phillip Phil, I’ve offered him a drink when I don’t know what his problem is, if it’s not drugs, then it’s probably drink. What was the phrase he used? Sort myself out. Definitely substance or alcohol abuse. And I’ve really pissed Ken off.

  Why did I invite Phillip?

  What the hell am I doing?

  ‘Yes, thanks, Lauren,’ Phillip says.

  I grab wine glasses and pour us each a generous amount and take them over to the table.

  ‘Sit down, please. I’m about to dish up.’ I scuttle back to the cooker.

  When I come back with their plates, they are sitting either side of the empty seat, my seat.

  ‘I hope you’re hungry.’ I plonk the plates down.

  ‘I’m starving,’ says Phillip. ‘This looks really good.’

  Ken doesn’t compliment my cooking, instead he reaches for the salt and pepper.

  ‘I have some parmesan.’ I dash over to get it.

  ‘Just like in a restaurant,’ Phillip says, his voice super cheery. Is he trying too hard? Ken isn’t trying at all.

  I bring my own plate over and start to eat as fast as possible. I gulp my wine too. I am really regretting inviting them both together. Whatever possessed me? Stupid impulse, that’s what, and judgemental guilt.

  ‘So how do you two know each other?’ Ken puts down his knife and fork and stares at Phillip, waiting for his response.

  ‘In the park,’ Phillip says. ‘Well, it was the dogs really. They get on so well.’

  I glance over at Shadow and Betty, they’re nuzzled together, asleep. It’s actually a good thing that Betty is here otherwise Shadow would be begging under the table, I don’t think Ken would like that.

  ‘So, you met fairly recently?’ Ken smiles as he asks, he already knows the answer.

  ‘Yes, just last week. Is there anymore, Lauren?’

  ‘There is.’ I stand up. ‘What about you, Ken?’

  ‘This is plenty for me, thank you.’ He picks up his fork and pushes a single piece of pasta around the plate.

  ‘You can finish it if you like.’ I smile at Phillip and hope he agrees because he could definitely do with a good feed.

  I pour the remains of the pasta onto his plate and take it back to the table. The portion is almost as big as his original. His eyes widen.

  ‘Don’t worry if you can’t finish it.’ I sit back down and continue eating my own. Ken lays his cutlery on his plate and pushes it away; he’s only eaten half.

  ‘So, Phil, what do you do?’ Ken smiles across the table.

  ‘I’m a quantity surveyor.’

  I almost choke on my pasta. A quantity surveyor. Is that true?

  ‘Self-employed?’ Ken is going in for the kill, using just two words to imply that Phillip makes no money, and is self-employed because no one would employ him.

  ‘No,’ Phillip replies, his voice normal, seeming not to suspect malice. ‘I work for Reynolds. Been there fifteen years.’

  ‘Really? Reynolds?’ From his tone I can tell Ken doesn’t believe it. Reynolds is the biggest building company in town. They’re independent but they build big stuff, apparently. I only know this because, when he left university, my brother Sam was desperate to get a job there, with no success. He works for the council now.

  ‘Do you like it?’ I ask, dreading the answer.

  ‘Yeah. It’s fine. Pays the bills.’ Phillip half laughs. I smile back at him and find myself confused. This Phillip doesn’t seem at all like the one I met in the park last week. That one was surly, dirty, scruffy, and crying in public. He’s certainly cleaned up his act. Maybe he’s on a high, or something.

  Stop it.

  ‘Where do you live?’ Ken asks. This is starting to sound like an interrogation.

  ‘Near here. Rooming at the moment.’ Phillip rolls his eyes. ‘I’m just waiting to get my house back. Th
e tenants are moving out soon.’

  ‘Where’s that? Your house.’

  ‘Leyland Avenue.’

  ‘Leyland Avenue?’ Ken repeats, his voice a mixture of incredulity and annoyance. ‘I live in Rokeby Avenue. We must be near neighbours.’ He drops this on the table like a challenge. Every local knows that Leyland Avenue runs into Rokeby Avenue.

  ‘What number?’ Phillip scoops up the last of his second pasta portion.

  ‘42.’

  Phillip screws up his face in concentration. ‘The brown house?’

  ‘Yes.’ Ken looks smug. I don’t know this Ken either. Where is the lovely man who’s let me weep on his shoulder so frequently?

  ‘I’m just around the corner, number 18. Passed your house every day on my way to work.’ He smiles. ‘Small world.’

  ‘Isn’t it.’

  ‘Anyone like a dessert? I have trifle. I didn’t make it,’ I babble. ‘It’s M&S, we have a food hall near us at work. Very handy.’ I pick up our plates, stack them together and take them away before returning with the trifle and bowls. ‘Help yourselves to trifle. Any more wine for anyone?’

  Ken declines, citing driving again, but Phillip says he’ll have half a glass. Half a glass? Would someone with a drink problem only have half a glass?

  ‘You sure you wouldn’t like more?’ I’m testing him, aren’t I?

  ‘No. Thanks. I need take Betty out before the park closes. This trifle is really good, by the way.’

  ‘Good old M&S.’ I say, sounding both coquettish and childish. ‘Haven’t you already been to the park?’ As in sitting there all day.

  ‘No. I haven’t had time today.’ He smiles. He looks genuine. Innocent.

  ‘What time does it close?’ Ken asks, calculation in his voice. I know what he’s thinking; the sooner Phillip goes the sooner he can move in for the kill with me.

  Or maybe I’m deluding myself.

  ‘Eight.’ Phillip takes a swig of his wine. ‘Nice wine that.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Ken says, too quickly and too smugly for my liking.

  ‘Eight,’ I say, ‘Oh, I didn’t realise it was so soon. I haven’t taken Shadow out yet. I’ve been at work all day. She’s only been in the garden.’

  ‘I can take her if you like, Betty would like that.’

  Out of the corner of my eye I see Ken cast a snide look over at the dogs.

  ‘Would it matter if Shadow didn’t go out for a walk, just this once?’ he asks.

  At the mention of the W word Shadow jumps up immediately and comes to my side with Betty close behind. They both bark and wag their tales.

  ‘I think that answers that question,’ Phillip says, laughing. ‘I’ll take them together. No problem.’ He finishes the last of his trifle, lays his spoon back carefully in the bowl and stands up. ‘Where’s her lead?’

  ‘I’m so grateful,’ I tell him, as we stand at the front door while he clips Betty’s lead on. I’ve told him not to let Shadow off her lead in case she runs away. ‘When you come back, come in and finish off that wine. I don’t want to drink the rest alone and Ken won’t have anymore.’

  ‘No. I won’t, thanks. I’ve got a busy day tomorrow. Want to have a clear head.’

  ‘Oh?’ I try to make my voice sound neutral but open to more information. None comes.

  I watch him walk down my front drive and along the street a little, a dog lead in each hand. Whatever dark and heavy weight he carried on his shoulders seems to have lessened slightly; his walk seems confident, strong.

  ‘Interesting friend,’ Ken says when I go back to the kitchen, raising his eyebrows in such a way that I know if I say just one critical thing about Phillip, then Ken will add ten.

  ‘He is.’

  ‘I suppose he’ll be back at eight.’

  ‘I hope so, I don’t want him running off with my dog.’ It’s a joke, but the minute I’ve said it I wish I hadn’t. Is that possible? Don’t be silly, I know where he lives.

  ‘Interesting him having a house near me; he doesn’t look the sort.’

  ‘What sort is that?’ I ask, somewhat irked.

  ‘Well, he looks a bit…’ Ken pretends to search for the right word, but I know what he’s thinking. ‘Scruffy. Unkempt.’

  ‘Doesn’t mean anything.’ I start loading the dishwasher.

  ‘No, but I can’t see Reynolds… well, you know, they have… standards.’

  ‘Don’t we all?’ I move onto wiping the worktops and the cooker top.

  ‘Would you like more wine?’ Ken says, picking my half full glass up from the table.

  ‘No. Better not. Work tomorrow.’

  He puts the glass down.

  ‘I was wondering,’ he starts, looking at me with his intense, dark eyes, ‘If you’d like to go out again. Another meal. Your choice of restaurant this time.’

  ‘Um,’ I say, wondering exactly how to tactfully turn him down.

  ‘We could split the bill if you prefer. Like we used to.’ He’s referring back to our many outings when I lived at Mum and Dad’s, when Ken was a truly good friend.

  ‘I don’t know.’ I look him straight in the eye. This requires honesty. And tact. ‘I mean, I don’t know what you’re expecting of me.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, you’ve been… are,’ I correct myself, ‘The greatest friend a woman could want, especially one who’s been through what I have with your brother, but…’ I’ve run out of tact now.

  ‘But?’ He’s not going to make this easy.

  ‘But I’m not…’ Stop. I was about to say I don’t want a boyfriend but Ken has never said he wants to be my boyfriend. Maybe I’m getting a bit carried away, maybe I’ve listened to Cat too much. ‘I love having you as a friend but, as I said, I don’t know what you want.’ Ball firmly back in your court.

  ‘Friendship, of course.’ He looks affronted. Ken does affronted very well, I’ve seen him do it before, with Leeward, with their mother, Jayne, with soon to be ex-girlfriends. So, I’m going to take him at his word.

  ‘Excellent. Because that’s what I want. Friendship. Pure and simple. Because, I am sooo not looking for a man.’ I giggle, it sounds appallingly false.

  Ken nods slowly and a little smile, which doesn’t look heartfelt, plays on his lips.

  ‘Coffee?’ I ask, filling the kettle.

  ‘Sure.’

  A loud rap on the front door interrupts any more awkwardness, or so I think.

  ‘Have you told your new friend that you’re sooo not looking for a man too?’ Ken imitates my comment.

  ‘Who? Phillip. No, of course not. He’s not interested in me. He has enough woes of his own.’

  ‘Really? I did wonder. What…’

  ‘I better get the door,’ I cut in before Ken gets a chance to ask his question. I’ve already said too much and I don’t even know what I’m talking about. I’m just glad I haven’t mentioned Cat’s suggestion that Phillip was on Spice, even though I did believe it myself for a while.

  ‘You were quick,’ I say as I open the door to Phillip.

  ‘Yes, sorry.’ We perform a little smiley grimace which manages to convey apology and question at the same time. ‘There was an incident in the park.’

  ‘Oh. What?’ I immediately glance down at Shadow and Betty who are both sitting to attention by Phillip’s feet. ‘Come in, come in.’

  ‘Yes, these two ganged up on another dog.’

  ‘Oh no. I hope they didn’t…’ I start as we shuffle along the hallway and into the kitchen.

  ‘No. Don’t worry. I stopped their little antics. I’ve given them both a good telling off.’

  Ken doesn’t attempt to suppress his snort of derision. I throw him a stern look.

  ‘What happened? Is the other dog all right?’

  ‘Oh yes, I stopped it before it began really, but it could have been bad because the other dog was tiny.’

  I have a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. ‘She wasn’t with a big guy who looks like Thor, was
she?’

  I hear Ken snort again and when I glance over at him, he has his hand over his mouth hiding his smirk, though not very well. He knows exactly who I’m talking about.

  ‘No. She was with a little guy with starey eyes.’

  ‘Did you get the dog’s name?’ I ask, dreading the answer.

  ‘Yes. Daenerys. And the guy’s name is Lee. He was fine about it. No harm done.’ He hands over Shadow’s lead and after I’ve removed it, I point to her bed. She slinks off without any objections. She knows she’s been naughty. Of all the dogs in the park why did they pick on Daenerys?

  ‘That would be my brother, I think,’ Ken says, his voice dripping like syrup. He is so enjoying this.

  Phillip looks intently at Ken and then frowns. ‘That little guy? Your brother? Really?’

  ‘Well, he has a small dog called Daenerys and lives on the other side of your park, so it seems likely.’

  ‘This was a tiny dog, not just small. A Chihuahua, I think.’

  ‘Yes, that’s Leeward,’ I mutter. ‘He’s Ken’s brother.’

  ‘Well, small world.’ Phillip smiles over at Ken. ‘You’re not at all alike.’

  ‘No,’ Ken says, his tone and face expressionless.

  ‘Would you like a glass of that wine?’ I ask Phillip, hoping to change the subject.

  ‘Oh, no, thanks. I need to get off. Early start and so on.’ He gives me a shrug and a nod as though I know what he’s talking about then turns back up the hall towards the front door. I follow him.

  ‘Thanks for taking Shadow out,’ I say as I open the door and he steps out.

  ‘No problem. Well, not one that I couldn’t handle anyway.’ He laughs.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Hey, sorry if I’ve spoiled your evening with your boyfriend.’

  ‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ I say quickly. ‘Absolutely not.’

  ‘Oh. Okay. Sorry, I got the wrong end of the stick.’

  ‘No, he’s just a friend.’

  ‘Okay. Well, thanks for the meal.’

  ‘You’re welcome. We’ll do it again.’ Why am I saying that?

  ‘Okay. Night.’

  ‘Night.’

  After he’s gone, I lean against the front door and catch my breath. Ken slinks out of the kitchen and catches me.