Sooo Not Looking For a Man: A witty, heart-warming and poignant, feel-good journey.

by CJ Morrow

  ‘Everything all right with your friend?’

  ‘Yes, fine.’ I smile and start back to the kitchen. ‘Shall we have that coffee?’

  ‘I won’t,’ he says, pulling on his jacket. ‘Work and all that.’

  ‘Yeah, me too.’ It feels doubly awkward now.

  ‘Goodnight, Lauren,’ he says as he opens the front door. ‘Message me with your choice of restaurant and some dates you can do.’ He leans over and kisses me, very pointedly, on the forehead. I feel immensely patronised.

  ‘Will do,’ I say, waving at him as he leaves, promising myself that I will not message him.

  ∞∞∞

  ‘He described Leeward’s eyes as starey,’ I tell Cat on the phone ten minutes later. It’s not even 8.30 and my tea/dinner party seems hours ago.

  ‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘They are.’

  ‘Really? Have you always thought that or has it just occurred to you now?’

  ‘Always,’ she says, sounding bored. ‘Bit creepy, you know.’

  ‘Really? I’ve always thought of them as deep and soulful. Maybe they’ve changed.’

  ‘Mmm, maybe. It sounds like an entertaining evening. That’s what you get for inviting druggies into your home. What are you like? What are you playing at? He knows where you live now. And Ken sounds well, like Ken…’

  ‘You don’t like Ken either though, do you?’

  ‘I’m not fussed on him. Just be careful. That’s all.’

  ‘I’ve told him straight; I’m not looking for a boyfriend.’

  ‘And he took it well?’ She half laughs.

  ‘Yes. He understands. He does.’

  ‘Then that’s fine, isn’t it?’

  Fifteen

  The next few days pass without incident, I don’t bump into Phillip, or Leeward and Alfie in the park and no one dies at work.

  Saturday morning looms and I allow myself the prospect of a lie in. Except Shadow has other ideas, which is why I find myself at the park gates just after eight, watching the council man jump out of his van, unlock the gates, jump back into his van and drive off, all without so much as a nod in my direction.

  Happily, I don’t see anyone for the first fifteen minutes, not even one other dog walker, which is good because I’m not looking my best. I haven’t even had a shower this morning because of Shadow. I’m going to luxuriate in the bath when I get back and have a bit of pamper morning. We’ve been round the park twice and are heading for home when I hear the familiar boom of Thor’s voice behind me. I quicken my pace, yank on Shadow’s lead in an attempt to urge her on but the little traitor is deeply involved in a sniffathon with a tree stump and is lagging behind me. Normally she’d be racing ahead and pulling me along.

  ‘Hey, Lauren,’ Alfie calls. Of course he’s spotted me, he’s Thor with his godlike instincts. Why does this always happen when I look like crap? Will I never learn to always be box-fresh even when I take my dog out for an early morning walk. And I desperately need the loo now.

  ‘Hey,’ I call back, barely turning to acknowledge him while urging Shadow forward. Out of the corner of my eye I can see he’s not alone. Please don’t let that be Leeward. Please no. I start to wind in Shadow’s lead.

  ‘Lauren,’ a voice says, and it’s horribly close.

  I turn slowly, careful not to show too much of myself.

  ‘Hi Ken,’ I say slowly. What? There they are, the three of them; two brothers and one lover. Leeward offers a half smile.

  ‘You’re out early for a Saturday morning,’ Ken says. He, of course, is looking super fresh and handsome.

  ‘So are you,’ I snap back, still trying to encourage my dog towards the exit.

  ‘We’re having a family day out, early start,’ Alfie says, his voice bright and guileless. ‘Ken’s driving us but we had to walk Daenerys first.’ He bends down and strokes his dog’s ears.

  ‘Cool,’ I mutter into my chest. ‘Though I don’t know how’ll you all fit in Ken’s little car.’ I laugh, though no one else does.

  ‘I have more than one car,’ Ken says, his voice so superior.

  ‘Yeah, we’re visiting the new baby; Lee’s brother and his wife have a little girl. Then we’re off to a big family lunch with the mother-in-law.’

  I stop and turn properly to face them all. Alfie is beaming his delight; Ken is looking away and Lee is frowning his annoyance at Alfie for being so indiscreet. Not that Alfie knows he’s telling me things he shouldn’t. And, it would appear, they’ve made it up with Jayne too.

  ‘Oh, that sounds nice.’ There’s an edge to my voice which neither of the brothers misses. ‘Mother-in-law? Are you and Lee married now?’

  ‘Not quite,’ Alfie says as Leeward shifts awkwardly and starts glancing around looking for an escape. ‘But I was proposed to last night.’ He beams and holds out his hand to show me his ring.

  Oh God. I want the ground to open up and swallow me. Here, right now. Then I see Alfie’s face; the pleasure, the sheer joy and happiness spreading across it. I step forward and take his hand. I pull the ring up to my eyes so I can get a better look. It’s manly but beautiful, a diamond set in a thick, solid platinum band. I remember the credit card payment to Leeward’s favourite jewellers for our wedding rings, I wonder if he took them back or had one resized to fit Alfie’s immense hand.

  ‘Stunning,’ I say, smiling. ‘Congratulations.’ I turn to Leeward. ‘To both of you.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Alfie says, his smile, already immense, actually increasing. ‘I wasn’t expecting it, not at all. But this one surprised me.’ He grabs Leeward’s hand, pulls it up to his mouth and kisses it. Leeward looks mortified, Ken attempts to look passive but doesn’t quite pull it off. I wonder if he can feel my pain, and my anger.

  ‘Well, have a lovely day,’ I say and force the biggest smile onto my face. ‘And wish Steve and Sian all the best from me, and congratulations to them too, of course.’ I turn and walk away and as I do so I can feel Leeward’s and Ken’s eyes boring into my retreating back. I glance over my shoulder and toss them a look, a look that says far more than words ever could. Alfie, meanwhile is playing, innocently, with Daenerys.

  He doesn’t have a clue. I would enlighten him but it would serve no purpose other than spite on my part.

  ∞∞∞

  After lying in the bath and spending far too long faffing about with my hair and makeup, I find myself in the kitchen enjoying a lazy brunch. Shadow is asleep, the sun is shining, the garden looks green and lovely – maybe a bit too green, I’ll have to think about trying out that mower Dad has left in the garage – and, if I’m honest, I’m a little bit bored. I might pop round and visit my parents, I can even take Shadow with me, they won’t mind.

  I’m just securing the car dog harness and clipping Shadow in when a message arrives from Ken. It’s overlong, wordy and quite pathetic. He goes on about this morning’s encounter as being awkward for him, and embarrassing all round, except for poor Alfie who’s innocent in all this. He hopes I won’t do anything to make the situation worse – by that I suppose he means tell Alfie the whole story – and says that he, Ken, is stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wonder who’s the rock and who’s the hard place?

  I don’t reply because my instinct is to tell him to fuck off.

  As I drive round to Mum and Dad’s I think about what Ken has said. It might have been better if he hadn’t messaged me. It might have been better if I hadn’t bumped into them in the park. And it definitely would have been better if Leeward hadn’t just asked Alfie to marry him.

  But, I remind myself; I’m done with Leeward. There is no going back for us. It’s well and truly over. As the song goes – I will survive. I am surviving, more than surviving; I am thriving.

  It still hurts though.

  When I get to Mum and Dad’s, Dad is out and Cat is sitting at the island unit chatting to Mum who is already making rounds of sandwiches. Is it lunchtime already? Judging from Grimmy’s eager face as she watches Mum, I think it must be.


  ‘The prodigal returns,’ Cat says, laughing. ‘Have you run out of food?’

  ‘No. Shut up.’

  ‘You can get in line for a sandwich,’ Grimmy croaks from her corner. ‘I’m first.’

  ‘I’m not hungry,’ I say, letting Shadow out into Mum and Dad’s garden.

  ‘I see you’ve brought the Heinz with you,’ Grimmy says.

  I refuse to comment, but it brings to mind my first bumping into Leeward in the park when he asked what that was when referring to Shadow.

  ∞∞∞

  After everyone has stuffed their sandwiches, Grimmy nods off in her chair and Cat, Mum and I sit in the garden with a pot of tea and a piece of cake. I have managed to find my appetite for cake.

  I tell them about my surprise park meeting this morning.

  ‘What?’ Cat says, inhaling cake crumbs and nearly choking. ‘You’ve got to be joking. Engaged? Really? Hasn’t he learnt his lesson?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, you know…’ Cat stumbles over her words. ‘It’s not even a year since your wedding…’

  ‘Well he obviously loves Alfie more than he did me.’ I can feel my throat catching.

  ‘More fool him, then,’ Mum says.

  ‘I thought I was over him. But this morning, I… I just wanted to die, just for a moment.’

  ‘You’re better than that, better than anyone,’ Cat says, patting my shoulder.

  ‘I know. I know. But, it’s just that, you know, it’s bad enough being dumped for someone else, but when that someone else is of the opposite sex, it, well… it stings.’

  ‘Stinks, more like,’ Cat snaps. ‘Anyway, he didn’t dump you, you dumped him and in spectacular fashion too.’

  ‘Yeah, but humiliating, for me as much as him.’

  ‘And you really think that this Alfie has no idea what’s gone on?’

  ‘None. He’s so sweet and friendly towards me. He thinks I’m just an old friend of Leeward’s.’

  ‘It’s a shame they live so close to you, all this bumping into them isn’t helping anyone, is it. And he’ll find out eventually. He’s bound to. Someone should tell him, poor sod. I almost feel sorry for him.’ Cat sits back and folds her arms.

  ‘Well, it’s not going to be me.’

  Neither Mum nor Cat reply to that and we sit in a sad silence suddenly broken by a croaky voice.

  ‘Am I getting any of that cake? Or is it just for you young ones?’

  ‘You fell asleep, Grimmy,’ Cat says, jumping up. ‘Let me help you back to your seat and we’ll sort out your tea and cake.’

  ‘Why, what are you talking about that you don’t want me to hear? I hope you’re not thinking about putting me in a home. I don’t like the sound of that one you work in, Lauren.’

  It’s my turn to jump up. Grimmy looks worried, genuinely afraid. I suppose when you’re her age being put in a home, against your will, is something you dread.

  ‘No, Grimmy, we’re not talking about you. We’re talking about Leeward and his new lover.’

  ‘Oh, that. Gollum.’ Grimmy turns to go back to her chair while Cat and I shuffle along with her and Mum cuts her a piece of cake and pours out a cup of tea. Once in her chair, her grim smile returns now that her worst fears are not being realised. ‘Is he getting married again?’ she asks with horrible prescience.

  ‘How did you know? Were you listening?’ Not that it matters, why shouldn’t she know? It really doesn’t matter, does it?

  ‘No. Never heard a word. Doesn’t surprise me, that’s what happens. They go off and marry quickly. Seen it so many times in the past. Thank you, Lisa,’ she says as Mum puts her cake and tea on the little table in front of her.

  ‘Yes but, Grimmy, Leeward’s marrying a man,’ Cat cannot resist saying. I thump her on the arm; there is no need for our nonagenarian great-grandmother to hear that.

  ‘Doesn’t surprise me,’ Grimmy says as our mouths drop open in shock. ‘He always seemed a bit bent, a bit queer to me. And he has very shifty eyes.’ She takes a sip of her tea followed by a bite of cake.

  ‘I used to adore those eyes,’ I say, mostly to myself as I wander back out to the garden.

  ‘Let me read that message again,’ Cat says, sitting down next to me and reaching for my phone. ‘That Kenton is a duplicitous bastard too, isn’t he?’

  ‘What could he do? Cut himself off from his own brother? Would you do that to me?’

  ‘No. I wouldn’t. But I also wouldn’t be sniffing around your ex either, would I? Get him out of your life. And soon. I told you no good would come of keeping in with Ken.’

  ‘Actually, you told me to keep him sweet, which I did.’

  ‘Yes, and I subsequently told you to ditch him, which you haven’t. How are you going to reply to this message?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe I won’t bother.’

  ‘That’s no good. He’ll see that as an invitation to pop round and explain in person and you don’t want that.’ Cat’s fingers fly over my phone. ‘There,’ she says, handing it back.

  I read Cat’s reply. Fuck off, tosser.

  ‘Cat,’ Mum says after reading the message over my shoulder. ‘That’s not very nice.’

  ‘No, it’s not, but it is appropriate.’

  I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  ‘I’m not sure if the ring wasn’t recycled,’ I say quietly.

  ‘One ring to rule them all,’ Cat sniggers. Then Mum joins in, then so do I. We’re soon cackling away like the witches from Macbeth.

  ‘Jayne can recycle that outfit and her headdress,’ Cat says, gasping for breath between her words.

  ‘Maybe the venue will give them a discount for repeat business?’ I add, sounding as catty and bitchy as I feel.

  ‘You could lend them your bridesmaid dresses,’ Mum joins in, then puts her hand over her mouth, shocked at what’s just come out of it.

  ‘Muuuummm,’ Cat and I chorus.

  Laugh or cry? I’m choosing to laugh.

  But I do feel sorry for Alfie, he’s as much a victim in this as I was. And, I fear, he’s going to find out the whole sorry story sometime, but definitely not from me.

  Fortunately, Ken doesn’t reply to Cat’s message.

  ∞∞∞

  It’s midweek at work when I pop in to see Archie, he’s still got that cough.

  ‘It’s nothing,’ he says. ‘Really.’

  ‘I’m going to get you more antibiotics, stronger ones.’

  ‘There’s no need. They did make my guts ache, that last lot.’

  ‘I’ll mention it to the doctor,’ I say, knowing that stronger ones will probably make his guts ache more. To take his mind off his cough and the prospect of more drugs I change the subject. ‘Hey, I met your grandson,’ I say, realising then that I haven’t seen Phillip since our meal at my place with Ken.

  ‘Which one? I have so many.’ He grins.

  ‘Phillip. And his dog, Betty.’

  ‘Ah, Phillip. Yes. How was he?’ Archie’s face drops and I begin to wish I hadn’t mentioned him now.

  ‘Yeah, good, I think.’ Which isn’t a complete lie, he was definitely better than he’d been on the previous occasions I’ve seen him.

  ‘He’s had a tough time.’ Archie nods his head slowly. ‘A very tough time.’

  ‘Well, hopefully he’d over the worst of it now.’ He certainly looked and sounded to me as though he had stopped taking whatever it was that had dragged him down, now I think about it, even his pallor had improved.

  ‘Not the sort of thing you get over quickly,’ Archie says, his voice soft. ‘It’s been hard for all of us. He loved that little girl. We all did.’ He takes his large white handkerchief from his pocket and dabs his eyes before blowing his nose; he then has another coughing fit.

  I really wish I hadn’t brought it up. In trying to distract him from one nasty thing I’ve inflicted misery on him with another, and it’s not helped his cough either.

  ‘I’d better go and organise th
ose antibiotics,’ I say, edging out of the door.

  ‘Thank you,’ Archie says, though I don’t think I deserve his thanks.

  I hope Phillip is okay. I hope the fact I haven’t seen him for over a week isn’t a bad sign.

  Or maybe he’s got his house back and isn’t using this park anymore. That’ll be it. I hope.

  Sixteen

  Ken arrives two nights later with yet more flowers and wine just as I’m heading out of the door with Shadow for her evening walk. He looks sheepish.

  ‘I’m surprised to see you,’ I say, hovering on the doorstep while Shadow strains to get away.

  ‘I thought I owed you an apology.’

  ‘No need. Don’t worry.’ I step out of my front door and start to pull it closed behind me.

  ‘Please, at least accept the flowers and wine.’ He looks at me with pleading eyes.

  I step aside and let the door swing open. He pops his apology gifts in the hall and steps back outside. I slam the door shut.

  ‘Are you going for a walk?’

  I don’t even answer that, just raise my eyebrows at him. I’m afraid to say much in case I’m really rude, although Cat’s message was really rude and that doesn’t seem to have put him off.

  ‘I understand why you were so angry with me on Saturday,’ he says, keeping pace with me as I march towards the park. ‘I know how it must have seemed to you.’

  I don’t answer, just keep walking with my dog.

  ‘And I totally understand why you sent your reply.’

  I don’t correct him; I don’t tell him I didn’t send it.

  ‘Even if it was rather crude and vulgar.’

  The cheek of him.

  ‘But I do understand how it must feel to be you.’

  ‘Huh, I don’t think so.’

  We’ve reached the park and for some inexplicable reason and even though I’ve never done it before, I let Shadow off the lead and watch her run like hell.

  What have I done?

  ‘Shadow,’ I shout as she bounds away.

  She stops, turns, looks at me, then bounds further away. I start to go after her but Ken grabs my arm and despite my attempts to shrug him off, he stops me from chasing Shadow.