Sooo Not Looking For a Man: A witty, heart-warming and poignant, feel-good journey.

by CJ Morrow

  Phillip frowns as he follows me to the kitchen where Betty skips around Ken and heads straight for Shadow’s water bowl. The two dogs then yelp their excitement.

  ‘Hi, err, Ken, isn’t it?’ Phillip says, and I don’t know whether he genuinely has forgotten Ken’s name or is just doing it for effect, for me, but I take a perverse pleasure in it.

  ‘Yeah,’ Ken says, his tone dismissive.

  We stand in silence, Phillip and I, half smiling, Ken spoiling his beautiful face with a scowl.

  ‘Am I interrupting something?’ Phillip says, looking straight at me.

  ‘No,’ I say.

  ‘Yes,’ says Ken.

  ‘No. Ken was just going, weren’t you, Ken? I’ll see you out.’ I gesture towards the front door and Ken takes the hint.

  ‘This isn’t finished,’ he says at the front door.

  ‘It is, Ken. We want different things.’

  ‘Right, so I’ve served my purpose then. Now you’re ready to move on.’ He glances back down towards the kitchen. ‘With him? Really?’

  ‘Not with anyone. I’ve said this once, I’ll say it again: I’m not looking for a man.’

  Ken leaves without another word. When he gets into his car he slams the door, starts the engine then revs hard up my tiny street.

  I think he might be angry.

  Seventeen

  ‘Thank you for turning up like that. It was starting to get nasty.’

  ‘Okay. I only brought your phone back.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  ‘Huh. Do you really want to hear it? It’s just a continuation of what I was whinging about in the park. I feel mean though, I feel as though I’ve used him. He probably thinks that too. He probably thinks I’m Super Bitch.’

  ‘You? No. That title has already been awarded.’ Phillip whistles for Betty after dropping this opener so I use his tactic.

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?

  ‘Ha, maybe some other time.’ He follows this with a thin smile. I’m curious, or is it nosy? Either way I feel his pain and since he listened so patiently and without judgement to me, even made me laugh at myself, I feel I’d like to return the favour.

  ‘Whenever you’re ready.’ I hope I don’t sound too eager; I certainly don’t want to pressure him.

  ‘Yeah. But like you I suspect, I have work in the morning.’

  ‘Cool,’ I mumble, because I don’t know what else to say. It does explain the haircut.

  ‘Yeah. Kind of. Phased return.’ He stops, smiles then bends down to clip Betty’s lead on. I follow him to the front door.

  ‘Good luck with work,’ I say as he steps out.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Tomorrow your first day back?’

  ‘Yeah. Three half days this week. Five next week. Then see how it goes.

  ‘Cool.’ Can I really not think of anything better to say?

  ‘See you around, probably in the park.’

  ‘Yeah. Bye.’

  After he’s gone I wish I’d invited him for tea again, but would it look like I’m just trying to find out what’s gone on with him? Or would he think that having despatched Ken, I was now coming onto him?

  No, because as even he knows, I am not looking for a man.

  ∞∞∞

  rest of the week passes in peace, no dramas at work, no dramas at home. I hear no more from Ken and I hope that he understands and doesn’t feel too bad about it all. I also don’t see any more of Phillip in the park and I just hope that work isn’t proving too difficult for him. Archie, his grandfather, seems finally to be responding to the latest antibiotics and his cough is definitely improving.

  The weekend is soon upon us and, hurray, so is payday, it seems to have been a long time coming. I am going bed shopping. No more sleeping on the single blow up bed from my childhood. Although I do have quite a tight budget so I hope I’ll be able to afford what I want, if not it will have to wait until next month.

  I’ve had a good look on IKEA’s website and seen something I like at a price I can afford. I was tempted to just order it, but Cat fancied a day out and has insisted that I view it in person. So that’s my Saturday. Mum has even offered to look after Shadow after I said I was thinking of taking her with us, but as Mum pointed out she’d just be sitting in the car all day. I suppose I could leave her at home, but it feels mean when I do that every day when I am at work, even though it doesn’t seem to bother her.

  After dropping Shadow off I zoom round to pick up Cat and we’re soon on our way. IKEA is only a twenty-minute drive up the bypass, so it’s nice and easy.

  ‘I think I might have the meatballs,’ Cat says, leaning back in her seat.

  ‘What?’

  ‘For lunch. I love their meatballs. I know everyone says that, but they are great.’

  I laugh. Honestly, if you could see my sister you would think she never actually ate food, just lived on supercharged air, she’s so slim.

  ‘I think it was about there,’ I say, pointing ahead at a horribly familiar piece of grass verge.

  ‘What was?’

  ‘Where I stopped and read all of Leeward’s and Alfie’s porny messages. And pictures.’

  ‘Oh. And that’s where you also got grass stains all over the arse of your dress.’ Cat seems to be fully embracing her new sweary self, and I think I have to take the credit, or blame, for that. I’ve never heard her swear so much as she has since my sorry wedding day.

  ‘Yes.’ I give a little ironic laugh. ‘Just about sums up that day really; grassy arse stains.’

  ‘Never mind. You’re past all that now. Onward and upward.’ She pauses. ‘Heard any more from Ken?’

  ‘No. Thank God. I do feel bad about it though.’

  ‘Don’t. He’s probably moved onto someone else by now.’

  ‘Cat, that’s a horrible thing to say. He’s not like that.’

  ‘He so is,’ she says, laughing. ‘I do wonder how you can be so naïve sometimes. I suppose it’s all those years with Gollum.’

  ‘Don’t call him that.’

  We pull up into the IKEA underground car park and head for the entrance.

  ‘We should have lunch after we’ve done the furniture bit, then I want to go to the marketplace. I could do with some new glasses and I like the ones here because the kids don’t seem to able to break them so easily. Or maybe we should start with a coffee and cake?’ Cat has already mapped out our whole day.

  ‘It’s 10.30 and we’ve only just got here.’ I roll my eyes.

  ‘Okay. But lunch will need to be early. Probably better anyway, get in there before the hoards descend. At least it’s not raining today so there won’t be quite so many families just here for a day out and the lunch.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Well that’s what we used to do when the kids were little. The lunch here is such good value. It’s a cheap day out.’

  ‘Are you insane? Nobody comes here unless they need to buy something.’

  Now it’s Cat’s turn to roll her eyes. ‘So naïve,’ she mutters.

  It doesn’t take me long to find the bed I’ve chosen online; it also doesn’t take me long to discount it. It’s just not right, but I do find another I like better, even if it is more expensive.

  ‘Told you,’ Cat says, her face so smug.

  ‘All right, smart arse.’ I pull my phone out and take a photo of it as well as the item number. ‘I’ll have to wait until next month.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I’m on a tight budget and this bed, no matter how lovely, is out of it. Come on, I can still afford my lunch.’

  ‘How much out of your budget?’

  ‘Too much.’ I yank her arm to pull her away from the bed department. I can’t pretend that I’m not disappointed but on the other hand, it won’t kill me to wait. Another thirty nights on the blow-up bed isn’t exactly perilous.

  ‘I’ll pay the difference.’

  ‘No.’
/>
  ‘Yes. It will be your birthday present, so don’t expect anything on the day.’

  ‘I’ve just had my birthday, you bought me perfume and bed socks, remember?’

  ‘Christmas then.’ She laughs and picks up the order ticket, pops it in her pocket, links my arm and we head for the restaurant where Cat has meatballs and I don’t.

  ‘Right, ready for my favourite bit now,’ Cat says as we leave the restaurant and she pulls me towards the escalator going to the marketplace where she grabs a trolley.

  ‘A trolley? I thought you were just getting a few glasses.’

  ‘I am. I can hardly put them in a yellow bag, can I? Anyway, I’m sure there are other things in here I might have to have.’ She winks at me and I shake my head. That’s the trouble with IKEA, you can always find things that you must have that you didn’t know you needed.

  Twenty minutes later and we’re still salivating over anything and everything when Cat spots something. She laughs then points it out to me.

  ‘Isn’t that can opener like yours.’ She winks again; I’m beginning to think she has a twitch.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ I say, picking one up and examining it.

  ‘You too?’ says a deep voice from behind me.

  I freeze. I cannot believe it. I just cannot believe it. Cat looks up at the speaker and her mouth drops open. Before I turn around, I use my finger to lift Cat’s dropped jaw back up. Her eyes widen. She appears to be speechless, which is a first for her.

  ‘Hi,’ I say as I turn to face Alfie, who, mercifully seems to be on his own. ‘Fancy seeing you here.’

  ‘I know. What a small world. We’ll have to stop meeting like this.’ He laughs. Then he turns to Cat who is still staring at him. ‘Hello. I don’t think we’ve met.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘This is Cat, my sister, and this is Alfie, Leeward’s fiancé? Is that the right word?’

  ‘Certainly is,’ Alfie says. ‘And lovely to meet you Cat.’ He offers his bear paw to shake.

  ‘Hhhi,’ Cat stutters. ‘Did anyone ever tell you…’

  ‘I look like Thor,’ Alfie finishes for her. ‘Yes, frequently, but as I told Lauren, I looked like this long before that actor.’

  ‘What are these like?’ Alfie picks up a can opener. ‘We need one. We used to have one, I swear it was just like this, then it went missing. Lee says it went missing in the move, but I think it was before that.’ He rolls his eyes in a theatrical way. ‘We’ve been using the cheap one I already had ever since, but frankly, it’s crap.’

  ‘These are very good,’ Cat says, now fully verbal. ‘Lauren has one, it’s brilliant, isn’t it, Lauren?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I turn away from Alfie’s innocent face. I could hit Cat right now.

  ‘Lauren was just trying to convince me to buy one, weren’t you?’

  ‘Yes.’ I edge closer to her and I think I might stamp on her foot if she opens her mouth again.

  ‘I think I will,’ she continues. ‘I just can’t decide which colour. Owww,’ she yells as my heel makes contact with her toes.

  ‘Sorry,’ I say, narrowing my eyes at her.

  ‘Yours looks like this but it isn’t this make, is it, Lauren? Yours is a more expensive brand, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes, I think the one we had was too, but it’s gone.’ Alfie picks up a can opener then, undecided, puts it back.

  ‘Lauren, Lauren, is that you?’

  Cat and I stare at each other. We both recognise that voice, last heard on my non-wedding day when the owner painted us up as drag queens.

  ‘It is you. And Cat too.’ Suzi jumps into our little group. ‘Fancy seeing you here.’

  ‘Hi Suzi,’ Cat and I chorus.

  ‘Wow, do you two know each other?’ She points a finger at me, then Alfie, then swings it back and forth. ‘Is it not a bit awks?’ She grins.

  ‘No,’ Cat and I snap together.

  ‘Anyway, what brings you here?’ Cat is trying hard to keep Suzi from saying any more about Alfie, me, Leeward, the whole sorry mess.

  ‘We just popped in on our way to lunch. Alfie was wittering on and on about a lost can opener and we were just approaching IKEA and I had a brainwave, didn’t I Alfie? I said, let’s pop into IKEA.’

  ‘Yes,’ he says, giving us all rather a quizzical look. ‘I wasn’t wittering though, was I? I mentioned it once.’

  ‘Well, it looks like it’s paid off, because here you are with the can openers. Haven’t you chosen one yet?’

  ‘About to.’ Alfie’s curt response suggests that he’s not too fussed on Suzi.

  ‘I think the whole world is here today, I’ve just seen someone from work. So funny. What are you buying?’ Suzi now addresses her questions to us.

  ‘Oh, just kitchen bits,’ Cat says. ‘I can’t decide which colour can opener to get. What about you, Alfie. Red is nice. Lauren has a red one.’ She hands Alfie a red can opener.

  ‘Yes, I think I will.’ He drops it into his yellow IKEA bag. ‘I might get another one, a different colour, for Daenerys’s tins.’

  ‘Good, then we can be off.’

  It’s slowly dawning on me that Alfie and Suzi are going out to lunch together, but they can’t be on their own, not judging from Alfie’s face whenever Suzi speaks. Does this mean that Suzi and Ken are back together and they’re all here? All four of them. How sweet.

  ‘Ken, Ken, over here,’ Suzi shouts.

  Yep, they’re back together.

  Cat’s eyes widen as a reluctant Ken saunters towards us, and an even more reluctant Leeward follows in his wake.

  ‘Isn’t this cosy?’ Cat says and I can tell she’s enjoying it. ‘Hey are you two back together?’

  ‘Yes,’ Suzi says, her smile so broad it’s almost breaking her face.

  I clamp my lips together.

  ‘Ahh, that’s nice.’ Cat’s smile is as broad as Suzi’s. ‘You’re having a family day out in IKEA. How sweet.’

  Ken and Leeward roll their eyes simultaneously and I wonder if either is aware the other is doing it.

  ‘Have you had lunch yet?’ Cat is so enjoying this. ‘The meatballs are delish.’

  ‘No, not yet. We’re on route to a pub like I was just saying,’ Suzi corrects.

  ‘Oh, sorry, I wasn’t listening.’

  I can’t decide whether to stamp on Cat’s foot again or kiss her.

  ‘Well, if you change your mind, I can recommend the meatballs.’

  ‘It’s a bit mad in there, full of kids.’ Suzi sneers, then linking arms with Ken, looks like the cat that has got the cream. I feel both happy and sorry for her.

  We all stand and give each other embarrassed half-smiles. I look Ken full in the face but he just looks away. Leeward refuses to meet my gaze too.

  ‘Oh, a decent colander,’ Alfie says, spotting it across the aisle and striding off.

  Suzi pulls at Ken’s arm and Cat slinks away towards the glasses, which is the only reason we’re even in this department. It’s all her fault we’ve bumped into this lot.

  Suddenly, it’s just me and Leeward.

  ‘Well,’ I say. It’s not a question, in fact I don’t really know what it is or why I said it.

  ‘Well what?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ This is the first time we’ve been alone, in person, since the day we bumped into each other in the park – and the shock of that didn’t allow me to speak my mind.

  Leeward starts looking for an escape but Alfie has moved further away and I can’t see anyone else either. It feels as though it’s just us in the entire store.

  ‘Have you told Alfie about me?’ I say, keeping my voice low. I know damn well he hasn’t.

  Leeward opens his mouth to speak, changes his mind then closes it.

  ‘You need to.’

  He raises his eyebrows at me, alarm, horror, it’s hard to tell. ‘Or what?’

  ‘Oh, he won’t find out from me. I like him. He’s lovely. But he will find out, eventually. Someone will say something. You need to tell him. Suzi almost blur
ted it out just now. It’s only a matter of time…’

  Leeward purses his lips and looks away. He starts shuffling and I know he’s just revving up to run off but somehow he’s trapped himself between two display racks of pans. He would have to barge past and knock some over to escape.

  ‘I’m just saying, that’s all. Be honest with him. He’ll forgive you.’

  ‘I don’t think this is the place to discuss this, Lauren. Anyway, it’s not really any of your business.’

  ‘No. It’s not. But…’

  ‘I need to go now.’ He waits for me to step aside.

  ‘You never even said you were sorry.’

  ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, do we have to do this now? Here?’

  ‘No, not here, not now.’ I smile. ‘But I do need closure.’

  ‘You didn’t say that,’ Cat screeches when I tell her about it in the car on the way home. ‘It sounds so…’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Psychobabbly, I suppose.’

  ‘And…’

  ‘Well, no, that’s fine. But well, closure….’ She laughs.

  ‘I didn’t even know I felt like that. I didn’t even know I was going to say it until it came out of my mouth. Anyway, we’ve agreed to meet up; he’s coming round to my house tomorrow morning when Alfie is at work.’

  ‘No. No.’

  ‘Yep. Then we’ll see what he has to say for himself.’ It was my idea and I’m already beginning to regret suggesting my house as the venue for our showdown. But, he’s right, it does need to be private and I didn’t want to go to his place, not that he invited me.

  ‘You should get that can opener out, have it on display.’

  ‘Stop it.’

  ‘And what about that Ken? So brazen. Poor Suzi. I wonder if she knows she’s sloppy seconds.’

  ‘Stop it. You’re becoming so crude lately. Anyway, I don’t think that’s the correct use of that phrase.’

  ‘Whatever.’ She sounds like one her children. ‘You were right to tell him where to go. Told you so. He’s a sneaky arse who just wanted to get inside your knickers. It certainly didn’t take him long to move on, did it? Or is that a move back?’

  ‘Stop it.’

  ∞∞∞

  I’ve walked Shadow, hoovered the house from top to bottom and polished every surface, I’ve even put toilet cleaner down the loos. Not that I’m going to show him around or anything like that, because I’m not seeking his approval, am I?