Sooo Not Looking For a Man: A witty, heart-warming and poignant, feel-good journey.

by CJ Morrow

  ‘I have to get my dog,’ I snap.

  ‘She’ll be fine. She’s a dog. They always come back.’

  ‘She’s never been off the lead before.’ I turn back to where Shadow just was and can see no sign of her. ‘Look what you’ve done. I’ve lost her now.’ My breathing is increasing and I am starting to panic. I feel hot and sweaty and cold and clammy all at the same time. What if she’s run out of the park and onto the road? What if she’s been run over? ‘I need to find her.’ Ken lets go and I start to run to where I last saw her and Ken follows me.

  ‘You’re overreacting. She’s a dog. She’ll come back,’ he says again. ‘And if she doesn’t you can just get another one.’

  I stop. Even though I want to keep running, keep looking for Shadow, I’m so shocked, I stop.

  ‘What? What?’ I shriek.

  ‘Well, they’ve got loads, haven’t they, at the dogs’ home place.’

  I’m not a violent person, apart from scraps with my siblings, especially my younger brother when we were kids, I’ve never hit anyone. But the resounding slap from my hand across Ken’s face both horrifies and satisfies me.

  And it’s not just for Shadow, either.

  ‘You mad bitch,’ Ken says, rubbing his face.

  ‘Fuck off, Ken.’

  But Ken just stands there, his hand on his face and a kind of madness in his eyes.

  ‘Lauren,’ a voice calls from a short distance. ‘Look who I’ve found.’

  Phillip is walking towards us with Betty and Shadow trotting along together as though nothing in the world is wrong.

  I rush towards them.

  Betty’s lead is threaded through Shadow’s collar and the two dogs have their heads held high and are wagging their tails in unison.

  ‘Did you let her off?’ Phillip asks, smiling. ‘Lauren, are you all right? You look red and…’

  ‘Thank you,’ I blubber and bend down to Shadow. ‘You naughty dog,’ I say, letting out little sobs of relief. ‘I thought you’d got run over.’

  ‘It is a worry when they run off, she’s obviously not quite ready for freedom.’ He takes my lead from me and clips it to Shadow’s collar before unthreading Betty’s lead. ‘There you go,’ he says.

  ‘Thank you, thank you so much.’ I’m starting to feel calmer now, my heart isn’t racing anymore and the cold sweat is evaporating.

  ‘No problem. Nice to see you, but I see your boyfriend is waiting for you.’

  ‘What?’ I snap, turning to see Ken still standing on the path where I left him. ‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ I yell.

  ‘Okay,’ Phillip says, taking a backwards step. ‘Nothing to do with me. I don’t want to get involved.’ He turns and walks away.

  ‘Phillip, wait,’ I call after him. He stops and glances back, a polite smile on his face. ‘Thank you, again, and I’m sorry I snapped.’

  ‘Okay, bye then.’

  ‘I said she’d come back.’ Ken is suddenly next to me.

  ‘No thanks to you.’

  ‘Come on, Lauren. Your dog is fine. Let’s put all this behind us.’ His voice is so liquid, so seductive it would be easy to agree with him.

  ‘It’s not just my dog, though, is it?’ I sound like a petulant child.

  Ken doesn’t reply, doesn’t even look at me.

  I let a bit of Shadow’s lead out and encourage her to walk on as I stomp along behind her. Ken, after waiting for a second or two, turns tail and leaves.

  I can’t pretend I’m not relieved.

  I stomp around the park for at least an hour, my head spinning with everything that has gone on, as Shadow scampers about in and out of the trees and across the grass. I’ve let her lead out to maximum and hope I won’t regret it. Nearly losing her earlier has made me realise that I need to train her properly. She needs to learn to come when called not run for the hills like a mad dog.

  I finally turn to head for the park exit and home when I see Phillip sitting on the bench with Betty. I can’t really slink past without him seeing me.

  ‘Hey,’ I say as I approach.

  ‘Hi. Shadow behaving now?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I plonk myself down on the other end of the bench while Betty and Shadow snuggle together making their familiar furry yin-yang shape.

  ‘Sorry if I was snappy earlier, it’s been a bit of an evening.’

  He offers me a cautious smile. It lights up his face. His eyes shine. If he put on a bit of weight, he’d probably be quite attractive, especially as he’s now sporting a brand-new haircut. Then the smile fades and I remember what Archie had said about Phillip having a tough time and I want to ask him about it but I can’t.

  ‘Do you know of any dog training classes? I think Shadow needs some.’

  ‘I don’t,’ he says.

  ‘Oh, how did you get Betty to be so obedient?’

  ‘I trained her when she was young. She’s seven now, so knows how it works. How old is Shadow?’

  ‘Three, I think. I don’t know her full history.’ I give a little shrug and look away. When I look back Phillip has his phone out and is flicking through it. It’s a flash phone too. I know I shouldn’t be surprised but I am. ‘There’s one at the church hall just down the road here on Wednesdays,’ he says, passing the phone over to me.

  ‘It looks perfect,’ I say as I skim over the information. ‘Just what you need,’ I tell Shadow. I pass the phone back and fumble my own phone out of my pocket so I can look it up myself.

  ‘Give me your number and I’ll message you the link,’ Phillip says.

  ‘Okay. Thank you. That was quick,’ I say as a message pops up immediately after I’ve told him my number.

  ‘Not me, I’m not that quick. I haven’t sent it yet.’

  It’s from Ken.

  Please accept my apologies. I keep messing up with you. I know you’re angry with the world but let’s stay friends. We were such good friends.

  I groan.

  ‘Everything okay?’

  ‘Not really.’ I sigh. ‘It’s all such a mess.’ I sigh again. ‘I thought by getting my own place, by being on my own, you know, just me and my dog, a new start and all that, that life would be easier, better, but… I don’t know…’

  ‘Yeah, I know what you mean.’ Phillip’s voice sounds less whingey but more bitter than mine.

  ‘I’d better go, you don’t want to hear my whinging.’ I stand up.

  ‘I’m a good listener, if it helps.’

  ‘You’re all right, I’ve got my sister on speed dial to whinge to.’

  ‘You’re lucky.’ He sounds wistful.

  ‘Come on, Shadow.’ I try to coax her away from her best friend.

  ‘Well, the offer’s there.’

  It’s very tempting. It might be good to get someone else’s perspective on it, someone who doesn’t know me or Leeward or Ken, or Alfie for that matter. But how can I add to Phillip’s burden? Whatever it is, it sounds serious.

  ‘Thanks,’ I say, still trying to persuade Shadow to come.

  ‘It might distract me from my own troubles.’

  I look at him and, from the expression on his face, I’m not sure he meant to say that.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really,’ he says, sounding emphatic.

  I drop down onto the bench next to him and wonder where to start. Then it all comes out in a great big long moan fest, reminding me of my download to the solicitor, but that was many months ago and there’s a whole new chapter to be told.

  ‘That’s where I recognise you from, as well as the home,’ he says when I stop to draw breath. ‘The video. I saw it. Very funny.’ He laughs. ‘Very funny.’

  ‘Yeah, it went viral. I’ve never found out which bastard posted it either. I thought the song was brilliant at the time, until I saw it the next day on Facebook. In my head the words were perfect, they rhymed, they were clever, I was in tune. It sounded so good.’

  He’s pursing his lips to prevent himself from laughing.

  ‘Then I fell off the
stage and broke my wrist.’

  ‘Oh, no.’ He lets a little snort out and even I can see the irony and the funny side of it. Despite myself, I laugh along with him.

  ‘All round, it was the worst day of my life and I thought I’d put it behind me until I moved here and bumped into them in my park. Repeatedly. And did I tell you they’re getting married?’ I follow this with another little laugh, a kind of manic one.

  ‘Yes, several times.’

  ‘And of course, Ken is a further complication in all this. I don’t know what to do about him. I feel guilty, you see, because he’s been such a good friend, but I don’t know if I can trust him anymore. I think he wants something more than friendship. And he’s wasting his time because no matter how good looking he is and all that, I am NOT looking for a man, least of all my ex’s brother.’

  ‘Are you sure he wants more?’

  ‘Well you thought he was my boyfriend.’

  ‘True. I did.’

  ‘Why? What made you think that?’

  ‘Just the way you are around each other, you know, easy, familiar.’

  ‘Ah. Cat says he’s just trying to get into my knickers.’

  Phillip laughs again, it’s really loud and I must admit it makes me laugh again myself.

  ‘Sorry. I bet you wished you’d never asked.’

  ‘No, it’s good to know that…’ He stops, clamps his lips together and looks away. He isn’t laughing anymore.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing. Really.’

  And now it feels awkward.

  ‘I’d better go.’ I stand up and pull Shadow’s lead. She disentangles herself from Betty and after several goodbyes we leave.

  As I walk away, I cringe. Phillip now knows my whole tawdry story and the ongoing mess of it and God knows what he thinks of me. I was trying to present myself as this together, forward looking, independent woman and now I just look like a right mess.

  I wish I’d never said anything.

  As I round the corner at the top of my street, I can see Ken’s car is still outside my house. Perhaps if I do several circuits around the block he’ll give up and go home. I pull on Shadow’s lead but her eyes are almost popping out of her head as she strains on the lead to go home; she’s probably thirsty and so am I after all that talking.

  Ken spots us and jumps out of his car. There’s no escaping now.

  ‘Did you get my message?’

  ‘Yep,’ I say, attempting to march past him.

  ‘You didn’t reply.’

  ‘Nope.’ I twist my shoulder so I can turn into my front drive.

  ‘Can we discuss it?’

  ‘I’d rather not.’

  ‘Look, you have to understand that he’s my brother and you’re my friend.’

  ‘Yep.’ I manage to sneak around him and pull my keys from my jacket pocket.

  ‘Please, can we just discuss it?’

  I’m inside my house now and although Ken is close behind me, he hasn’t stepped over the threshold; I could easily shut the door in his face.

  His flowers and wine are still on the hall floor.

  I turn back to him to say goodbye, to make it clear that this is the end.

  ‘Look, Ken, I don’t think this is a good idea.’ I move to shut the door; he puts his foot in it, stopping me. ‘Really?’

  ‘Please can we just talk?’ He sounds both pathetic and beguiling. It’s quite a talent. I wonder if he uses this to get his own way all the time? He’s the middle child, younger that Steve, older that Leeward, he’s had a whole childhood to learn the art of manipulation.

  ‘What’s the point?’ I lean on the door but he doesn’t remove his foot.

  ‘I’d just like you to see it from my perspective, to understand how I feel.’ He blinks several times; his pleading is annoying me.

  I shake my head.

  ‘I just want you to understand. To forgive me. With all your brothers and sisters, your immense family, you must understand that I have to be loyal to my brother, he’s my family. Anyway, I’d have to answer to our mother otherwise.’ He smiles and takes a breath to start again.

  ‘I only have one more sibling that you,’ I cut in; irrationally, his referencing my family as immense annoys me.

  At that moment my neighbour comes out, apparently to put a tiny bag of rubbish in her bin. Is she just nosy, or genuinely concerned for me?

  ‘Then you understand how close we are,’ Ken says and I can just see that he won’t go away and he won’t shut up. My neighbour is hovering in her garden. Do I want my dirty washing aired in public?

  I step aside and let the door swing open and march towards the kitchen. Ken follows me in, closing the door behind him.

  ‘Is it all right if I use your facilities?’

  ‘You know where the loo is,’ I say.

  When he comes back he smiles his big, beautiful Ken smile. He certainly got the looks in their family. In my family we look similar, you can instantly tell we’re related. I suppose that comes from having the same parents, both mother and father. But Ken and his brothers, there’s basically no common feature they share, not height, not build, not hair and not skin colour. Jayne certainly put it about when she had her sons and, as she reminded me frequently, brought them up all by herself.

  ‘Any chance of a coffee? I’ve been waiting for you for ages.’

  ‘No. I don’t do coffee this late in the evening, it stops me from sleeping. You can have a glass of water the same as me, if you like.’

  ‘Oh. Okay. Thanks.’

  I get two glasses and overfill them from the tap. Ken’s is still dripping when I plonk it down on the worktop in front of him.

  ‘Thanks,’ he says after he’s gulped half a glass back in one go as Shadow watches him nervously from her basket.

  ‘Did you have a nice family lunch the other day?’ I don’t think in the whole ten years I was with Leeward that we ever did a family lunch, not with his side of the family.

  ‘Yes. It was fine.’ He reads my face and continues. ‘It was Alfie’s idea; he likes that sort of thing. He wanted to be friends with our mum.’ Now he rolls his eyes.

  ‘He knows nothing about me.’

  ‘No.’ Ken’s voice goes up a notch in alarm. ‘You’re not going to tell him, are you?’

  ‘No. I’m not. But someone should. He will find out eventually. Then how will he feel?’

  ‘Not my problem.’

  ‘No. Well, that’s all right then. You can always step in to pick up the pieces like you did with me.’ I cross my arms in front of my body as if to stop myself from exploding. Ken being here is making me feel particularly nasty and I just wish he’d driven off before I came back.

  ‘Oh, Lauren,’ he says with a sigh.

  I keep my arms folded and I don’t reply, just staring at him instead.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m piggy in the middle here but I can’t just dump my brother, can I?’ He looks at me for agreement. I give him none.

  ‘You wouldn’t,’ he continues with another sigh. ‘If it was your sister. Anyway, you’ve always known that I was extremely fond of you, right from when you first met Leeward.’

  I shrug.

  ‘You can’t pretend you didn’t notice.’ He waits for me to agree again. I don’t.

  ‘Oh, come on,’ he says, sounding annoyed. ‘Who was it who repeatedly told you, still tells you, how beautiful you look even when you patently don’t? Who helped you through the fallout after your wedding went tits up? Who’s been here for you? Me, that’s who.’

  ‘Yes, and I am grateful,’ I say. ‘You’ve been a good friend.’

  ‘Friends. Of course. But I thought it was deeper than that. I thought you understood how I felt about you.’

  ‘I’ve always thought of you as a brother.’ I watch his face fall as I say these words, but they are true. Even though I might have been tempted, just a tiny little bit, the rational, sensible part of me always knew that it would never go any further than friendship. Not for me.


  ‘Oh, come on, Lauren. Grow up.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Did you think I’ve helped you all this time, had your snotty nose on my shoulder so you can cry about my loser brother, helped you get a fair pay off from him, just so we can be friends? Really? Did you?’

  ‘So you did all that just so you could get in my knickers?’

  ‘Don’t be so crude. I’ve been the perfect gentleman, haven’t I?’ He waits for an answer and this time doesn’t continue until I respond.

  ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘Well then. I have never done anything ungallant.’

  It’s hard not to laugh when he says that, only Ken could say ungallant.

  ‘No, you haven’t.’ I bite back a smirk.

  ‘Well… now it’s time to…’ he stalls, even Ken cannot continue.

  ‘What? Pay my dues?’

  ‘I wasn’t going to put it like that, but…’

  ‘Ken, no.’ I hold my hand up. ‘Stop. We’ve both been going along misunderstanding each other. I’ve always thought of you as my friend, as a brother as I’ve said before. I’m sorry if you thought otherwise. I really am. And, of course, I don’t expect you to choose me over your brother, it’s just that when I saw you all together, it brought back memories and it hurt. But no, I wouldn’t choose you over Cat, so I do understand. But everything else… no. We are just friends. I’m not looking for another relationship. I’m done with men.’

  He smiles. ‘I’m sure I can change your mind.’ He steps forward, I step back. Is he really going to attempt seduction when I’ve just told him clearly how I feel?

  In her basket Shadow starts to growl and a look of irritation passes over Ken’s face.

  The doorbell rings.

  Ken and I freeze. Shadow barks several times.

  ‘Your nosy neighbour, no doubt.’

  The doorbell rings again.

  ‘I’d better get it.’ I push past Ken on my way to the front door.

  I pull the door open wide expecting to see my neighbour but it’s Phillip’s thin face that greets me.

  ‘Hey, Lauren. You left your phone behind.’ He passes my phone over the threshold.

  ‘Oh, I hadn’t even missed it. Come in. Come in. Please come in.’