The Wanderers Beginning: The Wanderers, Reborn, & Unforgiven

by Jessica Miller

  Josie and I helped the delivery men carry all the flowers and toys down to the van. I signed the papers and left him with a hefty tip. “Thank you,” he said. “You have no idea how much this is appreciated. I can't wait to see the look on all those tiny little faces,” he smiled brightly.

  “You're welcome,” I said as they packed up the van securing everything. Josie turned to me still unsure with what just happened. “I called the local children's hospital and told them I had a donation for them.”

  “Oh,” Josie said, nodding her head, now understanding. “That was a pretty great idea. I'm not gonna lie when I thought you might have a shredding party and tear everything to pieces.”

  “Don't think I didn't consider that, but I figured it would be better to put this stuff to good use so it wasn't wasted.”

  We stood for a moment and watched the van pull away. To my surprise, Tristan was not far off in the distance. From the look on his face I knew he had just witnessed the whole thing. I held my head a little higher and turned to walk away before he had a chance to chase me down. Josie clenched onto my arm and tagged along. I was thankful for her company, afraid to be alone at the moment. I knew I wouldn't have as much strength to walk away if Josie wasn't there.

  When I got back to my room I crashed down on my bed to hide any tears that managed to break free. The room still smelled like a florist, but that didn't bother me. What did was the sight of Tristan. I didn't think it would hurt that bad to see him. The look on his face, the sad expression in his eyes, the pain and longing he was feeling. I knew because I was feeling it too. I knew it would hurt for a while but I forced myself to be strong. I reminded myself that this was the best thing for me right now.

  I decided to throw myself into my school work. That would be my perfect distraction. I also knew I wouldn't be able to avoid him anymore. I also couldn't skip anymore art classes for fear of falling behind. I arrived early enough and set everything up in my normal seat in the back. Jack arrived shortly after and took a seat next to me. “Hi,” I said surprised.

  “Hey, how are you?” he asked.

  “Okay, how are you?” I hadn't talked to Jack since Skylar's memorial and was afraid he was still mad at me.

  “Listen, I'm sorry. I was a jerk. There was no reason for me to be mad at you. I guess I let my jealous side get the best of me and that's not cool.”

  “Jack you have nothing to apologize for. I was the one who was being a jerk. I think I tried so hard not to hurt your feelings that I ended up doing more damage.”

  “There’s no need for you to worry about it. How about we just forget it and move on,” he said, flashing me his crooked smile. I smiled back, ready to say something, when Tristan walked in. My breath caught at the sight of him and my body went rigid. I looked back at Jack, he just shook his head. “Don’t stress it. We're still good,” he said, bumping my shoulder.

  I couldn't respond. I couldn't do anything. Tristan spotted me and took the empty seat next to mine. I kept my eyes forward refusing to look at him. I knew I couldn't bear it. With him this close I had a hard time staying strong. He didn't say anything or even look at me. The professor begun class and I breathed, thankful for the distraction.

  The second the professor allowed us to begin painting Tristan flung his hand out grabbing the bottom of my chair and pulled me closer to him. I pushed away and whipped my head around to glare at him. Any sign of his normal cockiness had vanished and was replaced by fury. “What do you want from me Ella?” he growled.

  “Nothing, but you're the one who doesn't seem to want to let go.” I tried to pull my chair further away but he held on tight. His eyes challenged me to say something, something that would make it okay for him to be pissed off at me. I couldn't take it anymore. I got up, grabbed my stuff, and left class without another word. The professor watched me walk out without any protest.

  I tore down the hall eager to get outside and get some air. I could hear footsteps behind me so I picked up my pace. “Ella!” Tristan called. I switched to a light jog and made it out of the building. I ran to the other side and around the back so he wouldn't see me. I heard a crunching sound and peered over my shoulder to investigate. It was a squirrel, eating a nut.

  With a sigh of relief I turned back around and smacked right into Tristan. “How did you?” I asked, thinking how in the hell he could have found me. Let alone get here as fast as he did.

  “We need to talk,” he said, brows furrowed.

  “There's nothing I want to say to you.” I tried to walk away but he gripped my arm stopping me. I threw him a warning look, but he ignored me. “Let go of me,” I snapped.

  “Why do you do this to me?”

  I tried to pull my arm away but he just held it tighter. “Tristan you're hurting me,” I cried.

  “I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” he said, letting go. I know I should leave, but I couldn't. I couldn't make my feet work and walk away. “Ella, I...I messed up.” He dragged his hands over his face and let out a groan. “It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I'm not that guy. I don't know how to do this?” he said, face pained.

  “I don't understand what you're talking about?” I said, more confused than ever.

  “Us,” he cried, reaching for me.

  I took a step back out of his reach. “There is no us,” I said softly. I couldn't believe how hard that was to say out loud, but once I had, I it sunk in.

  “I don't know what to do,” he replied. I could have sworn for a second I saw him blink back a tear, but couldn't be sure. He spun away quickly, unable to maintain his composure, and I took the opportunity to walk away. I couldn't stand there another second knowing I could possibly let myself get suckered in again.

  I didn't escape fast enough. He caught me and spun me around so fast I got dizzy. He gripped my shoulders and threw me up against the wall. His lips came down full force on mine. I struggled for only a second before allowing myself to feel the urgency behind his kiss. I wanted to pull away, to stop, but there was an attraction like no other that kept me right where I was. It felt like an electric charge was coursing through my entire body, heating me up from the inside out.

  I needed air.

  I struggled to pull myself away. His lips moved to my cheek, along my jaw, and down to my neck. “Tristan,” I gasped. “Stop.”

  He pressed his forehead to mine. “I need you Ella, more than you know.”

  “Tristan I can't. I just can't give you what you want. I'm sorry, but I don't trust you.”

  “Don't say that. I promise. I promise I'll be good,” he begged, making my heart hurt. The look on his face told me he meant every word he said, but I couldn't put myself through this. The tiny inner voice in the back of my head told me to walk away and never look back. I listened and slid myself away from Tristan.

  He yelled and cried out in pain. I heard the sound of brick crumbling. The sound reverberated over and over inside my head. When I reached the corner I dared a peek back at him. His fists pounded the building. Dust swirled all around him and each thud sounded like thunder. I almost could have sworn I felt the building shake, but then realized it was me who was shaking. I curled my hand into a fist scrapping my nails along the concrete. I had to force myself to move on. I needed to just put one foot in front of the other.

  I took the first step when he shouted, “I love you!”

  I froze.

  Those three little words hit me like a ton of bricks stopping me in my tracks.

  I thought I was suffocating.

  I never knew the pain I would feel from walking away from him.

  But I had to.

  I had to keep going. I needed to get away so I could breathe again.

  Tristan jogged around the corner to catch up to me. I kept my eyes on the ground so I wouldn't have to look him in the face when I told him no. I knew I wouldn't have the strength to. “Ella, you don't have to love me back. I just...I just don't want to lose you.”

  “You can't lose something you never had,” I said,
meeting his saddened eyes.

  He lifted his arm to touch my cheek, and then stopped, dropping his arm back to his side. “I can't stop this feeling that's burning inside me. The way I feel when I'm around you, when I touch you,” he reached out again. “When I kiss you,” he said softly. “If I could bury it all away so I couldn't hurt you I would, but I can't.”

  I hated the fact he was hurting despite how much he hurt me. I couldn't continue. This relationship was nothing but toxic. “I'm sorry Tristan, but I don't love you.” I never thought those words would be the hardest thing I would ever have to say to someone. “Please just leave me be,” I said, sliding out from underneath him.

  This time I didn't look back. I kept going.

  I ran.

  I ran straight to my room and locked the door behind me not even noticing Josie was there. “Ella?” she looked up at me. I dropped my books on the floor and fell down on my bed bursting into tears. Josie didn't say a word. She just lay down next to me, wrapping her arms around me for comfort while I cried on her shoulder.

  I never knew how much this would hurt. I felt like I ripped out my heart and stomped on it. I felt cold and deserted. I didn't understand what was happening to me. All I knew was that I wanted it to stop. I never wanted to feel this way again.

  Weeks past and I had yet to run into Tristan. While I was thankful at the same time I was still sad. I thought not seeing him would be easier, but I still felt like a small part of me was missing by his absence. I kept my head held high though and showed no signs of grief. I would not let him drag me down or make me feel guilty. I shut my heart off so I couldn't get hurt again. I've become the ice queen he told me I was and I was fine with that.

  Jack and I had gotten close again over the next few weeks. I think with Tristan out of the picture Jack felt he didn't have to compete for my attention. I enjoyed Jack's company and was happy for the distraction.

  Halloween was only two weeks away and the sorority was having a big party that Josie insisted I must go to. I hadn't spent much time there since the fight with Tristan. I wasn't too keen on the idea of going to the party since I heard that's where Tristan was spending most of his time now. According to Josie he temporarily moved into the fraternity house to give me my space. I told her to tell him if he really wanted to give me space he would have left the state. Not wanting to start a fight she ignored my comment and told me I should go to the party anyway. Show Tristan I was over him. “Easier said than done,” I thought.

  I dropped the issue and moved on to more important things, like what I was going to wear for my date with Jack next week. I scavenged through my closet trying to find something causal but cute, somewhat sexy, but not skanky. “Wow, what was I thinking when I bought this?” I said, pulling out a mini, red leather skirt.

  “That's mine,” Josie frowned.

  “Oh,” I said, putting the skirt back in the closet.

  “What are you doing?” she asked curiously.

  “Trying to figure out what to wear for my date with Jack.”

  “Oh,” she said, a little disappointed. “I thought your date wasn't until next weekend?”

  “It's not, but you know how I like to be prepared.”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Okay seriously Josie, what's with the sourpuss face?”

  “Nothing,” she sighed, playing with her pleated skirt.

  “Jo Jo,” I said, using her brother's nickname.

  She pouted, hating when I did that. “I just wish it was Tristan and not Jack you were going on a date with.”

  “Josie, we've been over this,” I said, letting out a sigh of frustration. “Hello, I thought you were going to be more supportive.”

  “I get that Tristan was a dick and I know how much he hurt you, but Jack, really?”

  “What's wrong with Jack?”

  “He just gives me this creepy vibe,” she shivered.

  “Well then it's a good thing you're not the one dating him,” I said, narrowing my eyes at her.

  She rolled her eyes at me and got up. “Whateve’, I'm going to the house tonight. You coming?”

  “No,” I said and she took off without another word. I closed the closet door annoyed with Josie for bringing up Tristan. I was finally starting to move on, to feel whole again, and then she had to mention him. Now I was angry, angry at Josie for making me think of him and angry for feeling a twinge of guilt and longing to see him again. No! I shook my head. She was not going to do this to me. I was not going to let him win by making me feel again. I went to put on my jacket then changed my mind. I opted for a sweatshirt instead. I thought a nice long walk would help clear my head.

  I was right, it did the trick. By the time I got back to my room I was feeling much better. I got out my work and studied until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

  In the morning I met Jack downstairs and he handed me a coffee as we walked to our first class together. This was becoming our normal routine. We met downstairs and traded off every other week to buy coffee for each other. “Good morning,” he smiled.

  “Morning,” I replied, taking a cautious sip of the very hot coffee he handed me.

  “So, any ideas of where you want to go this weekend?” he asked, referring to our date.

  “I'd thought I'd leave that up to you.”

  “Alright, I think I can come up with something,” he smiled again, making me blush.

  We continued on our way taking in the fresh morning air. “Ella?” I froze, thinking I was imaging things. That was until I saw him. After weeks of nothing, he was finally here, right in front me. “Ella?” he said again. He looked wrecked, like he hadn't slept in weeks. I just stood there and stared at him. He had dark circles under his eyes, his skin paler than ever, almost sunken in. No, I was not going to feel sorry for him. I told myself to stay strong and continued on my way to class with Jack. I ignored him and walked right past.

  “Ella wait! Will you at least talk to me? You owe me that much!”

  I stopped. “I'm sorry Jack. Can you give me a minute?” I asked with guilty eyes. Jack nodded. I took a deep breath and walked over to Tristan. “What do you want, Tristan?” I asked in a huff.

  “To talk...come with me.” He held out his hand.

  “No,” I stood firm. “You want to talk, do it here, now.”

  “I rather some place private,” he said, glaring over my shoulder at Jack.

  “No and you have five minutes,” I said, trying to stay strong.

  “That's not enough time.”

  “Then I'm sorry but that's all I got,” I said, not able to look him in the eye.

  “Okay, okay,” he sighed, sensing my agitation. “How are you?”

  “Really?” I asked, annoyed, looking at my watch and getting ready to walk away.

  “Ella I...” he reached for me but I jerked away. “I'm sorry for the way I acted, the things I said and did. I didn't mean any of it. If I could take it all back I would. Except when I told you I loved you. That I meant. I would never take that back.” He looked at me with his deep, dark blue eyes, and I almost gave in.

  I quickly looked away knowing if I looked into those eyes any longer, there would be no going back. “Tristan look, you rejected me and I was –”

  “Hurt,” he filled in the last word for me. “Now you know how it feels,” he spat.

  “Oh, so that was the plan all along? You were pissed because I rejected you and you thought you'd get back at me by doing the same thing?” I scowled, no longer feeling sorry for him.

  “No, that's not it,” he said, reaching for me again.

  I pulled away, afraid of what I would feel if he touched me. “Then what?” I was ready for this conversation to end.

  “Ella I –”

  I knew what he was going to say and I didn't want to hear it. “Tristan, I'm done. I can't do this anymore,” I said, shaking my head hoping I wouldn't cry.

  He took a step closer and I took one back.

  I took a risk and peered in
to his eyes. He looked as if he was about to cry and no way could I bear to watch him. I had to end this once and for all. Whatever was or would have been is now done. “Goodbye Tristan,” I said, taking one last look before walking away for good.

  He didn't try to stop me or call after me this time. And I didn't look back to see if he was still there. “You okay?” Jack asked.

  “Fine, thanks,” I said, forcing a smile through my pain and followed Jack to class not looking back.

  By the end of the week I was happy it was the weekend. Tonight was my date with Jack. Although I wasn't exactly excited, I was thankful for something normal. I was getting ready for my date when Josie walked into the room. “Hey, Ella.”

  “So, I saw Tristan last night,” she started. She knew he was the last thing I wanted to talk about, but she continued anyways. “He wasn't looking so good.” I did my best to ignore her. “Ella, I think you should talk to him.”

  “Ha,” I laughed sarcastically.

  “I was talking to Billy and they said they never saw him like this. He's drinking all the time, different girls every night.”

  “He sounds perfectly fine to me.”

  “Ella,” she started to protest.

  “Look Josie, there was never anything between Tristan and I in the first place. So what he does now is none of my concern. I could care less.”

  “Don't act like you don't care when I know you do,” she said, crossing her arms.

  “Josie, I don't have time for this. I have to get ready,” I said, returning to the mirror to finish applying my makeup. I watched her reflection. I knew she was tempted to say something but decided to drop it. I finished getting ready for my date with Jack.

  Before I left, Josie decided to have one last word. “I hope you know what you are doing, because the Ella I know wouldn't be so quick to dismiss someone she cared about. Especially someone who needed her help.”

  “The only thing Tristan needs is an AA meeting and a trip to the free clinic, which I'm sure any of his brothers can provide a number for,” I said, closing the door behind me, hoping she got the hint, and would finally drop the whole Tristan thing.