The Day We Disappeared

by Lucy Robinson

  Becca chuckled. ‘Of course you are. I’m very proud of you, pet.’

  I grinned, stretching out in the grass. ‘OI!’ I shouted at Joe, who was nibbling Kate Brady’s ear. ‘STOP IT.’

  ‘Feck off, Galway,’ he hissed. ‘You had your chance.’

  ‘I’m still having my moments,’ I told her. ‘Stephen broke his restraining order and sent me a letter a few days ago, at Lizzy’s house, and I went into freefall for a few seconds, but then I pulled myself together and got on with taking it to the police station. That’s massive progress. Before, I’d have locked myself in the bathroom and cried with fear.’

  Becca handed me another Scotch egg. ‘That makes me very happy,’ she said. ‘And you’ve done it so quickly, too.’

  ‘Well, that’s the great thing about the brain. It can change fast. Neuroplasticity, that’s called.’

  ‘Really?’ Becca asked, watching Joe and Kate with mild disgust. ‘Everyone’s brain can change?’

  ‘Everyone’s.’ I grinned. Joe was telling Kate dirty limericks.

  ‘Well, maybe you could have a tinker with his over there,’ Becca said.

  We chinked plastic cups.

  ‘Anyways, what’s the latest on Stephen?’ she asked.

  Joe and Kate sat up to listen. Dappled sunlight danced across their faces, all flushed and excitable from the high of mutual attraction. For a fraction of a second I allowed myself to remember feeling like that around Mark.

  Come on, I reminded myself. That’s not helpful.

  ‘Well, it’s going to the Crown Court,’ I told them. ‘Which is a good sign of how big the case is.’

  ‘Great!’ Joe said. ‘Let’s get the Queen involved. She’ll send him down all right.’

  Kate giggled. Becca despaired.

  ‘It starts next week,’ I said. ‘And of course I’m nervous, but proportionately so. I mean, Stephen’s already been granted bail in spite of the evidence, so he’s shown us how capable his lawyers are. I don’t think any of us expect this to be easy.’

  I twiddled a blade of grass on my ankle. ‘But I think for me the important thing is being okay whatever happens. Stephen may well get away with it, and if that happens I need to be all right. I can’t go into this feeling like my life will be over if he doesn’t get convicted.’

  ‘That sounds very wise,’ Becca said. ‘Very wise indeed, pet.’

  ‘Well, Annie, my sweet love, I’m happy to have him killed for you in the interim,’ Kate Brady said. ‘Just say the word, darling.’

  ‘Oh, stop it, Dublin, you strong warrior, you,’ Joe told her. ‘I’ve a great big boner here!’

  ‘Christ, Joe! Will you shut your hole?’ I shouted. Then: ‘Oh. Sorry.’ A mother of a small boy stared at me with the purest disgust.

  ‘You see what happens when you try to get in the path of true love?’ Joe said mildly.

  Kate gave him a look. ‘There’s no true love here,’ she told him. ‘I’ll use you for sex and then I’ll be off back to Ranelagh.’

  Everyone laughed.

  Becca popped a bottle of Prosecco.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said to them all. ‘Thank you for coming here. It’s doing me a lot of good.’

  ‘To Galway,’ Joe said, raising his plastic cup of sparkling wine. ‘To our little princess, fooling us all with her strange accent and her flame-red hair. To Galway, for being brave enough to make herself come back here to Badminton. Not to mention bringing us this fine Irishwoman, Kate Brady.’

  ‘To Galway,’ laughed Kate, and we all clinked cups.

  ‘All right, Joe, you loser!’

  I froze, my glass halfway to my mouth.

  ‘Who’s your latest?’

  I daren’t look around. It was impossible. They weren’t here today!

  ‘Ana Luisa, you stinking little devil,’ Joe said merrily. ‘I’d ask you to please mind your mouth in front of my good lady here.’

  Oh, God. Oh, holy Jesus in the sky above. Joe’s face was smiling at a spot over my shoulder as he stood up. ‘Nice to see you there, boss …’

  Becca winked at me as she stood up too. ‘Hiya, Mark,’ she said, ‘and hiya, An–’

  ‘BECCA!’ Suddenly Becca was surrounded by a fiercely hugging little girl, all skinny legs and shiny brown hair. ‘I MISS YOU!’

  Ana Luisa hugged my lovely Geordie friend with a ferocity that made her mist up. ‘I miss you too, ferret,’ she said unsteadily, hugging Mark’s daughter right back.

  Everything Clare had taught me was forgotten.

  My legs went to such total jelly that I couldn’t actually get up. I scrabbled round on my hands and knees in a panic. Get the fuck up! I shouted at myself.

  We can’t fucking move! shouted my legs.

  Eventually I got up and turned to Mark, who was being introduced to Kate. He smiled politely at me, holding out his hand to shake mine.

  When he saw me properly, his hand stopped. Everything stopped. Mark stared at me and I stared at him, and all I could think of was how much I loved him. I’m so proud of you! I wanted to shout. You’re so brave, coming back here! I love you!

  Then, as Mark realized who Kate was, he turned slowly to look at her.

  ‘Kate,’ he said. He was amazed.

  At that moment Kate worked it out too. ‘Oh!’ she said, then trailed off.

  ‘Oh,’ Ana Luisa echoed, recognizing me. ‘Nice hair, Kate. The red never suited you.’ I turned to her, uncertain as to whether to hug her. Ana Luisa gave me a polite hug, then stood back, her little hands on her little hips. ‘Do you still fancy my dad?’ she asked casually.

  I made a strange croaking noise. Ana Luisa sniggered. ‘Do you still fancy Kate, Dad?’

  We both looked helplessly at her. Seven years old and better able to communicate what was going on than either me, aged thirty-five, or Mark, aged thirty-seven.

  ‘Ana Luisa,’ Becca said. ‘You’re a little rat. Kate’s name is actually Annie, as I’m pretty sure I’ve told you on more than one occasion. Now, listen. I’m going to sit you down here, and if you’re lucky I’ll give you a little glass of Prosecco –’

  ‘No Prosecco,’ Mark said weakly.

  ‘Okay. I won’t give you a glass of Prosecco but I will give you a pork pie and some strawberries.’

  ‘While Dad and Annie go off to have a snog behind that tree?’ Ana Luisa asked. ‘Jesus. This is soooooo schoolyard.’

  Mark, whose eyes kept flickering back to mine, started to laugh. ‘I love you,’ he told his daughter. ‘But, just for once, will you shut up? I am not going to snog anyone behind a tree.’

  ‘Whatever.’ Ana Luisa sat down next to Becca.

  Kate Brady was staring at Mark with absolute wonder. ‘He’s a RIDE,’ she mouthed at me, flabbergasted. He was. He was tanned. His hair was shorter. He was so sexy it made my head wobble.

  And, before I knew it, we were walking away.

  ‘Um, so, this is a surprise,’ Mark said, after what felt like three hours. He sounded as nervous as I was. ‘Of all the places on earth I thought I might bump into you, this was not one of them. Ha-ha.’

  ‘Ha-ha-HA. Ha-ha. Ha. Er, same. I thought you weren’t coming.’

  ‘I’m not competing.’

  ‘But you came to watch. Ha-ha!’ I sounded totally insane. ‘So, how are you?’

  ‘Good.’ He turned briefly towards me, but I couldn’t look at him. I just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. There were daisies in the grass.

  I hated daisies but, these days, I could deal with them. I could even smell them, and it was okay.

  I took a deep breath. I made my heart slow down. My fists unclench. If I could cope with daisies, I could cope with Mark.

  We were walking further away from the cross-country course into the lush parkland. Behind us the Tannoy was fading and the sound of the TV helicopter overhead disappeared into birdsong and rustling leaves.

  I felt giddy with longing. I could smell Mark’s olive soap, and if I squinted sideways I could see th
e tanned skin of his forearms. ‘You look really well,’ I told him. ‘Nice tan …’

  Mark chuckled. ‘You’re not going to believe this, but I went on holiday. A proper one with a swimming pool and big umbrellas and people making my food.’

  ‘No way!’

  ‘Yes way. I took Ana Luisa and her best friend to Morocco and we stayed in a luxury riad. I put it on a credit card and didn’t worry about money once. It was bloody spectacular.’ He paused. ‘I was spectacular. I sat by the pool all week and, apart from keeping an eye on the girls, I didn’t do a thing. Who knew?’

  Who knew indeed?

  He ran his hand along the arm that had been broken. ‘It’s all working,’ he said. ‘I’m back up on horseback and everything’s still fine. I’m lucky.’

  ‘Wow. I’m so happy to hear you’re riding again, Mark, that’s fantastic news.’ I sounded like a distant acquaintance.

  I LOVE YOU, my head bellowed. I’VE BEEN TRYING NOT TO LOVE YOU FOR SIX MONTHS NOW BUT IT’S NOT WORKING. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS MY FACE, MY CHEST, MY LIFE. EVERYTHING HURTS BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

  ‘The physio says I should be able to start gently competing by midsummer,’ Mark said, ‘which was a surprise.’

  ‘Surprise. Yes. Um, shall we sit down?’

  We sat down and I regretted it immediately. In spite of the heat, the longer grass was still wet and I felt the water seep straight into my shorts.

  ‘This is nice,’ I said, as the dew seeped through to my knickers. For God’s sake, get up! I told myself. But I didn’t want to. Mark’s knee was inches from mine. One of his surgery scars was poking out of his shorts, a timid little pink line among the dark hairs on his leg. I wanted to kiss away all the pain it had caused him.

  ‘My arse is wet,’ he said politely. ‘Maybe we could stand up.’

  ‘Yes. Great idea.’ We stood up and started walking again, because to stand facing each other would have been a nightmare.

  ‘So will you start competing this season, do you think?’

  Mark shook his head. ‘No … I’ve actually retired.’

  Now I stared at him. ‘You’ve what?’

  Mark’s eyes were on the cross-country course where someone was galloping up a glossy stretch of grass towards a fence. Even from this distance we could see the sweat lathered up the horse’s side.

  ‘I’ve retired. The press don’t know, yet, but I decided last week.’

  ‘Blimey!’

  ‘It’s the toughest decision I’ve ever made. But people started sending me horses they wanted me to try out, and they were all such sweet animals. I love horses,’ he said, blushing. ‘And that’s the trouble. Every horse I tried I just thought, How could I put you through this? What if you broke your leg too?’

  Stop being so nice, I thought. It’s not helping at all.

  ‘And then I started having the same thoughts about myself. Did I really want to risk getting myself smashed to pieces again? Did I want to risk Ana Luisa losing her dad?’ He grinned. ‘Did I really want to get up at six thirty for the rest of my life? So I retired. And I’m selling the farm.’

  ‘You’re WHAT?’

  Mark shrugged. ‘I just want a clean slate,’ he said. ‘I want a house that has nothing to do with alcoholism, or evil wives, or broken bones. Not to mention broken hearts. I’m moving on with my life.’

  ‘But – but it’s your family home! For generations!’ I ignored the bit about broken hearts.

  ‘Actually it only goes back to my grandfather. But even if it went back to an early caveman named Waverley, I’ve got to sell it. There are no new starts in ghost houses.’

  ‘Wow.’

  Selfish little voices piped up in my head: But I want you to still be at the farm! What about all my lovely memories? It can’t belong to someone else!

  ‘I don’t believe it,’ I managed to say. ‘This is huge.’

  ‘Isn’t it?’ He was watching me now, so I tried to look encouraging. ‘I’ll probably buy somewhere in Oxfordshire, nearer to Ana Luisa, so she doesn’t have to spend her weekends on the motorway. I’ll run a livery yard for now. Carry on training other riders, while I plot my next move. Oh, and I’m going to work part-time. Thought I’d, you know … get out in the world a bit more.’

  ‘Wow,’ I mumbled. There was no disguising the sadness in my voice.

  Mark had moved on. Not just from his Bad Shit, but from me.

  ‘My crotch is still wet,’ was all I could say.

  ‘Listen, Kate,’ Mark began. ‘Annie. Sorry.’

  ‘It’s fine. Honestly.’

  Mark smiled, but I couldn’t look at him.

  ‘DAD!’

  Ana Luisa was striding towards us, like a little tiger. She was going to be every bit as gorgeous as her father. ‘DAD, we have to go, we’re meant to be meeting Bea.’

  ‘Okay, coming.’ He turned to me but, once again, I couldn’t meet his eye. ‘Bea’s her friend. Listen, I haven’t even asked how you’re doing. Joe said you’d all gone ahead with the prosecution but I have no idea when it starts, or what –’

  ‘DAAAAD!’

  ‘Coming! Look, I’ll be in touch,’ Mark said apologetically, even though we both knew he would not.

  I wanted to cry. ‘Nice to see you,’ I muttered. ‘I’m so happy to hear all your positive news.’

  ‘Good luck with the wet crotch,’ he said, as his daughter dragged him away.

  ‘Bye,’ I whispered.

  ‘She looks much better with blonde hair,’ I heard Ana Luisa say. ‘But you need someone more reliable, Dad.’

  Chapter Thirty-two

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come?’ Lizzy asked, as she got ready for work. ‘Because it’s not too late for me to bunk off. I don’t want you going there alone and having a panic attack or anything …’

  ‘I’m not going to have a panic attack. I’m going to be absolutely fine.’

  Lizzy and Tim went off to work and I giggled as I heard them doing a face-clutchy kiss at the front door. It had taken quite a while to get used to this business. Sometimes Tim wouldn’t be able to control himself and would clutch Lizzy’s face, mouthing, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I think he thought that by mouthing it, rather than saying it, he would somehow stop me noticing. I actually enjoyed how fiercely he loved my big sister. She was so happy. She sang in the shower. She’d stopped drinking and spending so much. She radiated joy.

  After they’d both gone I sat on a shiny white stool and drank tea at Lizzy’s shiny white island in her shiny white kitchen. The island had one of those taps that gave out instant boiling water, and plug sockets that slid out of nowhere, and in the middle of it was a bowl of peaches that was changed every few days but never eaten. Lizzy was insane when it came to her kitchen and refitted it approximately every two years – she couldn’t live with last season’s exposed brickwork and filament bulbs when there existed this season’s shiny white units and polished concrete floors. ‘Don’t question me,’ she always shouted, when I asked how she afforded it. ‘This kitchen is my temple.’

  It was nothing of the sort. Lizzy was shit even at frying eggs.

  Rain pattered lightly on the windows. It was one of those ambiguous days, all sharp, needling sunlight, then grey carpets of rain. It didn’t have the look of the Day of Judgment. I finished my crumpet, remembering with fondness how fanatical and guilt-ridden I’d spent most of my life being around food. Thank God that was done with. Like so many other things.

  I sat silently in Lizzy’s vast kitchen like something from an Edward Hopper painting, watching the May showers wash clean the streets of Chelsea. It was time to go. The trial began today.

  I didn’t need to be there, of course. It would be at least a week before I was called by the prosecution, and none of the other girls wanted to be there. But it felt important to me. I wanted to be a part of it. No more hiding.

  ‘I can do this,’ I said. ‘And I can deal with anything that arises from it.’

  The skies were cle
aring as I left Lizzy’s swanky building. I left my leather jacket in her hallway. The weather would work out, and so would the next few hours.

  I felt my breath quicken as I passed under the railway bridge and saw the grim façade of Southwark Crown Court ahead. This was it. Just me, alone. Taking part in all aspects of my life, good and bad.

  Only I wasn’t alone.

  Mark was standing on the steps outside the court.

  I stopped walking. Mark was standing on the steps outside the court?

  I went to take off my sunglasses, but I wasn’t wearing any.

  Mark?

  Mark?

  Mark. He was walking towards me, and he was smiling, and he was so sexy and lovely that I nearly fainted right there on the street.

  ‘Ah,’ was what I managed to say. Ah?

  ‘Hello.’ He had stopped in front of me and he was perfect. ‘Um … So, hi. My name’s Mark, and apparently your name is Annie. I wondered if you fancied going for a drink with me some time?’

  ‘Ah …’

  ‘I’d really like to get to know you.’

  ‘Ah,’ I said, for the third time. Great.

  He glanced up at the unprepossessing building above us. ‘I know you’ve got some business here first, but perhaps we could go on a date afterwards. You can pick the venue. In fact, please pick a venue, because I was brought here from Paddington and I have no idea where I am.’ He grinned. ‘On that note, you may have to pay for the date as that taxi cost me a week’s income.’

  I was still staring at him. Unfortunately I didn’t seem able to do anything else.

  ‘Um, I’m joking,’ he tried.

  Nothing. My brain was in a freeze.

  ‘I’m going to try again. Annie, please can I take you on a date?’

  ‘Aaaah …’

  He shook his head despairingly. ‘Now listen here,’ he began. There was a bit of haylage on the collar of his poloneck. ‘I’ve never asked anyone out in my life and I’m bricking it. Will you help me out here? Say something? Anything?’

  If you say ‘ah’ again, I told myself, I will literally kill you. And just like that, the freeze thawed and sunshine poured in. ‘Mark Waverley.’ I smiled. ‘I would love to go on a date with you. I would love that more than anything else.’