“It’s not all about sex or who gets off first, Alexis.” I need to give her something. Make her see that she wasn’t like the rest of them. But, I don’t wanna look at her. This is hard. Admitting this to someone is harder than you could ever imagine, especially because I didn’t want to feel this. But, as soon as I did, I knew that I’d want to feel it again. I crave to feel those same things again. I’m craving her. “You made me feel normal again.”
She doesn’t look like she believes a damn word that I’ve just said, and she’s now pacing the floor directly in front of me. I need her to know that I was just as affected by her as she so obviously was by me. I don’t want her to think for a second that I’m playing games with her for my own entertainment. I’m not. I would never. She needs to understand that this is a hell of a lot harder for me than it is for her.
As soon as she walks close enough, I place my hands on her waist, and turn her around until she’s facing me. I keep my hands on her, and slowly stand, taking her in until I’m staring directly into her eyes. I need her to believe me, “I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m lying. Sex means a lot to you, I get that. That’s why you haven’t allowed anyone to touch you, apart from me. Am I right?” I notice her eyes starting to widen from my question, and a frown starts to form over her lips again.
“That’s really none of your business!”
Calm down, beautiful, “I’m right,” I whisper, and stroke my fingers over her cheeks, waiting for her to agree. She nods her head a little, but this still isn’t enough. I know this. I know that as soon as I walk out that door, she’s gonna doubt me again. Distrust me. I can’t let that happen. Her confidence isn’t high, I can sense that already. If someone goes behind your back then of course you’re gonna start doubting yourself, questioning whether you’ll ever be good enough. “The woman you heard me with last night, she’s been there for me through everything. We’ve both lost someone special and helped each other through our darkest hours. The blonde at the bar is my boss’s daughter. She wanted to finalize some details with me about becoming the event manager.”
She looks away, and my stomach twists tight. She doesn’t believe me, “You don’t believe me.” I drop my hands from her waist and step away, raking my hands through my hair before turning back to face her. No, she has to believe me. Even though nothing can ever happen between us again, I wanna be around her. I want her to know me, and know how much the other night meant. There’s only one thing I can do to persuade her on this. I’ve gotta tell her exactly how she made me feel. “When we kissed, Alexis, to me, it was like someone had just ignited a firework inside of me, and it was racing through my body at a hundred miles an hour.” I take a step closer and gaze directly into her eyes. “It was like a deep fire running through my veins, and I didn’t think I would ever want the burning to stop.” I finish the words in a whisper while staring at her lips, brushing my fingers across them, knowing how magical they can be.
I watch her lick them as she closes her eyes, “You did feel it,” she whispers, before reopening them. She’s watching me, and her eyes search mine one more time before she goes to speak, “But, you don’t—” Fuck I wish I could.
I wanna be able to feel the same things I did when I was with her. I want it more than anything, but I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair on me. It wouldn’t be fair on her. It wouldn’t be fair on Holls, “I wish things were different, Alexis. Shit, I really wish they were, but…” I don’t like the thoughts that are running through my mind right at this second. I don’t like that I’m not gonna get to kiss her again, but what I hate the most is the thought that, someday, somebody else will.
“You haven’t changed your mind.” She lowers her head, and then walks back over to sit down on her bed. She looks upset, if not a little confused, but most definitely exhausted. I know that feeling well.
I head over and sit beside her, knowing that I really should get going. I told her a lot of things tonight that I hadn’t planned on telling anybody. But, I guess the only good thing about this is that we can maybe try and be friends now. I want more, but I accept that I can’t have that with her. Or anyone. I had my time with Holly. She doesn’t get another chance to move on, so neither do I.
“You look exhausted. I should let you get some rest,” I tuck some of her hair behind her ear, and smile when she twists in her seat to face me. “Good luck with your audition tomorrow.” I lean in, and place a light kiss her on the cheek. It’s not ideal, but I need something. Something so I can have some kinda connection with her, but one that’s not gonna cause me agonizing pain right afterward.
I move away and then head toward the door, “Thanks, I’m not really looking forward to it though.” She says, which makes me turn back around. She’s not? Well, neither am I. Especially after witnessing what she’s been working on.
“You’ll do great. Just do me one favor?” I pause by the door, and I wanna somehow put my mind at ease. I don’t wanna be sitting in class tomorrow knowing that she’ll be giving all she has. “Don’t think of me when you kiss James.” I throw her a wink, and I see her cheeks starting to heat up a little bit.
“Go home, Brandon.”
Yeah, I did that. I made her blush, “Goodnight, beautiful.” I say, and walk back out of her room, closing the door gently behind me.
“You alight, dude?” Rye mutes the sound on the TV, and both he and Neil turn around and look right at me from where they’re sitting. I stuff my hands in my pockets while nodding a couple of times. “You wanna watch the game?”
“No, I … um. I think I’ll get going,” I answer and walk slowly toward the main door. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
***
I’ve been tapping my fingers on the arm of the couch repeatedly for the past half an hour. Okay, I just lied. Maybe it’s a little closer to two hours now.
It’s just approaching midnight, and I haven’t been able to think about anything else but Alexis since I got back from her place after our talk. I did it. I admitted to her exactly what and how she made me feel. But, I also made it clear to both her and the guys that I’m not interested in pursuing anything with her. Rye and Neil know the reasons why, it’s just Alexis who doesn’t. She knows that I wanna be friends, and I think she seemed okay with that.
Do you think she’s sleeping? Yeah, I always wonder if my friends are asleep. Always. Nope. Never. Shit.
Okay, so let me just think about this for a second. We’re gonna try and be friends so we can hang out as a group. Neil was pretty pissed with me when he found out that I am, in fact, ‘Mr. Operation Orgasm.' I knew that he and Rye wouldn’t necessarily be happy about it, and when I explained to them the reason why I sought her out in the first place, I thought they were gonna kick my ass. But, Neil surprised me. He actually looked relieved when I told him about the deal with Mark. Yeah, it’s something that I don’t actually understand myself, but at least he didn’t threaten to castrate me over the whole thing.
It’s no use. I’m not gonna be able to sleep now even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I never wanna close my eyes. You wanna know why? Well, I’ll tell you. When I do, all I see is Holly in my vision. Laughing. Smiling. Scowling. Her doing nothing else but lying in my arms for the final time.
Distraction. That’s what I need. And, who is the best person to distract me and pull me out from my darker thoughts? Yeah, you’ve guessed it.
I dig into my pocket and grab my cell phone, hesitating for a few seconds while I think this through. Do I message her? Call her? It’s late, I know this. But, maybe if we at least talk for a little while then it’ll be less awkward the next time I see her, be it at her place, or in college. That way it’ll make it more comfortable when we’re hanging with the other guys.
Alright, a quick message isn’t gonna hurt. Something simple. Casual. What other way is there to be? Okay, done. I asked if she’s still awake. If she doesn’t respond then— oh, okay. Yep. She just replied.
A: Nope.
Well, that w
as a smart ass reply if ever I saw one, and she actually just made me smile a little bit. Now I could read her message two ways. Nope, as in she’s not still awake, even though it’s pretty fucking obviously she isn’t messaging back while deep in sleep, it’s her way of saying yes I’m awake, but I don’t wanna talk to you. Or, she’s just got a dry sense of humor. She wouldn’t have replied if she didn’t wanna maybe talk for a little while. Yeah, I think I’m gonna see if I can come up with a two worded response this time.
What a way to start a conversation. I just told her that I’m bored. I could’ve asked what she was doing. But, no. I wanna see if she— and she did.
A: Then go and find something that will keep you entertained! X
Should I tell her that her smart one worded answer was pretty entertaining in itself? Alright, man. Think.
Me: U wanna come over n watch a movie? X
Oh yes, I did. I just invited her over. That’s cool. A movie with a friend. Yeah, nothing at all wrong with that. I stand up, and head straight over to the stack of DVD’s by the widescreen. I invited her to come and watch a movie with me, but I don’t own any. Shit. I don’t even know what kinda thing she’s into. Alright, what are my options?
‘The Amazing Spiderman’ … Nope.
‘Spring Breakers’ … Not my thing.
‘What Happens in Vegas’ … What happens at the ball, stays at the ball.
‘Finding Nemo’ … Finding fucking Nemo? I don’t think I even wanna know why this is here.
I glance down at my cell to see if she’s replied yet, but nothing. Huh. Alright, that’s cool. Not a big deal. I’ll most probably see her tomorrow.
When I’ve finally decided on watching ‘Fast Five,’ I head on through to the kitchen to make some food. Sitting right at the front of the first cupboard I open is a packet of … popcorn. Every chick I’ve ever known can’t resist this stuff. Why am I so eager to get her to come over? I’m not. I guess I just don’t wanna be here on my own. What? You don’t believe me?
Yep, I did. I told her what I was about to make, and I’m pretty confident she’s gonna reply at any moment.
Fifteen minutes later, and still nothing. Maybe she fell asleep. Or, maybe she just wasn’t so keen on spending time with me. I get that. Yeah. It’s probably for the best anyways. At least I gave it a shot and made an effort to be— Knock! Knock!
I grab a glass bowl down from one of the overhead cabinets, and then tip the popcorn I’ve just microwaved inside before placing it down on the counter. Is it likely that it’s gonna be her on the other side? Surely she would’ve answered me to say she was gonna take me up on my offer. You’re right. I’m never gonna find out if I don’t get over there and open up the damn door.
Surely enough on the other side of the threshold is Alexis, “Hey.” I smile, and then wait for her to bring her eyes to mine.
“Someone said there was popcorn?” she raises her eyebrows and smiles. See? I told you chicks love that shit. From now on if I ever need to bribe somebody of the opposite sex, then I’ll be sure to keep a packet of the good stuff readily available. I smile, and take a step out of the way while holding my hand out, gesturing for her to step inside.
She unzips her jacket, and I go to help her out of it, “You only came over for my popcorn?” I take the jacket from her, and watch as she turns to face me, resting one of her hands against the wall while bending down to remove her boots. And, now I can see down her shirt. Oh boy.
“Well, there’s that, and the fact that some guy woke me up with pestering messages in the middle of the night. Will your roommates not get pissed with you for having someone over so late?” Ouch. But yet, this makes me happy because I’m the guy who was messaging her. Not anybody else. Me.
I hang her jacket up on the coat stand, and start to shake my head to answer her question, “There’s nobody else here.” I shrug my shoulders and walk over to stand beside her again. “James went to babysit for his kid sister, and the other guys stay over at their girlfriend’s most of the time.”
I can see her thinking this over, and I think I already know what’s going through her mind. She’s likely to be wondering why I asked her to come over if it’s just the two of us. Well, I was actually just asking myself that very question, but, I already know the answer. It makes sense to be alone with her. It’s exactly this type of situation that will test me, and I need be sure that I can resist any temptation while I’m with her.
“So, what are we watching?” She asks, and follows me toward the couch. I motion for her to take a seat, and then head through to the kitchen to grab us both some drinks.
Me and the other guys I share the dorm with put the same amount of cash in the grocery pot each week, and take it in turns to go to the store each weekend. It’s been working out pretty well for us so far, and thankfully the refrigerator is fully stocked. Yeah, that’ll be because I wasn’t the one to go there this week. Grocery shopping is definitely not my thing. I see a bottle of white wine in the side door, and an eight pack of beers on the lower shelf. Beer or wine? Beer or wine? I remember when I was over at her place on Monday night that she asked Alyssa for some wine. Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Once I’ve opened my bottle up and poured her a glass, I make my way back over and stand to her side. When she turns in her seat to look at me, I offer it over to her, “Wine for one.” I say, and she accepts it from me before taking a sip. Yeah, she doesn’t look at all like the type of girl who would drink beer.
“Thanks.”
I think alcohol might be just the thing to steady my nerves. Am I nervous? No, I wouldn’t say it was that, but from where I’m standing I can see right down her shirt again. I might well be able to control my mind, most of the time, but there’s no way I can control my buddy … down there.
I blink my eyes open and closed a couple of times while I head over and dim the lights, still trying to get the image of her breasts from out of my mind. They’re perfectly shaped, and her cleavage is pretty damn impressive. I had my hands on them only a few days ago. I remember them being a little more than a handful. Yeah, I know. Awesome boobies.
When I walk back over to sit down beside her, I notice she tenses in her seat when my leg accidentally brushes against hers, but I try and ignore any feelings that are threatening to overcome me. Okay, friend’s time. I grab a hold of the glass of wine from off of the table, and offer it over to her as I bring my bottle of beer around until it’s in front of the both of us, “Friends?” Friends. I hate that fucking word, almost as much as she and I both hate the word nice.
“Friends,” she repeats after me, tilting her glass forward until it clinks with the neck of my bottle. Good. Yeah. Friends. It’s a start. She avoids my gaze, and when I bring mine down to where her eyes are now focused, my gut starts to twist in the same way it has so many other times over this past week. “What do they mean?” She asks, never once taking her eyes away from my bicep. Yeah, I knew that was coming.
“This one,” I say, and lean forward while placing my beer down on the coffee table in front of us. “This means loyalty.” I watch as her eyes roam over me again, and then turn around until she has a clear view of the one on my other arm. Just say it. You don’t need to explain why you got them or what your reasons for getting them were. “This one, um … this one means faithful.” She’s gonna ask me, I know she is. I can already see the questioning look that’s crossing into her eyes. I think that it’s time to put a stop to this. It’s already starting to feel a little weird between us, and all I wanted was for us to be able to spend a little easy time together. “Listen, if you’re just gonna be checking me out through the movie, I think I’ll go grab a shirt.” I smirk before taking a mouthful of beer, and then head through to my bedroom.
You think that I’m full of myself? Well, I’m not. It’s just Alexis doesn’t hide the fact that she finds me attractive, or the way she’s always checking me out. But then, maybe she thinks that she does and that I don’t notice her doing it. She was looking a
t me in the same way she did at the ball, when I walked her home from the bar on Saturday, and when we were down by the lake. This isn’t gonna be as easy as I originally thought it was gonna be.
I grab one of my vests from out of my bag, and throw it on before making my way back through to the living area. When I approach the couch, I remember the bowl of popcorn that’s still sitting over on the counter behind her. I head over and grab it before sitting back down beside her again.
She made herself a little more comfortable when the movie started, and we’ve both been staring at the screen for a good half an hour now. She seemed to think that it would be highly amusing to make out that she wasn’t into this movie, and she even had the audacity to steal the bowl of popcorn from under my nose. Between you and me, though, I don’t really like the stuff. However, I did make it known that I was gonna get her back for playing a trick on me.
I can hear her breathing, and her breaths sound a little heavy. When I glance over to make sure she’s alright, I notice her eyes are starting to close. Well, it is pretty late. I check my watch and see that it’s turned two in the morning already. I study her for a couple more minutes, and she certainly looks as though she’s trying to keep them open, but she’s in no way winning the battle.
She got me, it’s time for payback. How dare she fall asleep when we’re supposed to be hanging out together? It’s rude and totally uncool.
Reaching over, I take a handful of the leftover popcorn from the bowl, and try not to disturb her. She doesn’t seem to be paying any attention to what I’m doing, so I get into position. The next time she closes her eyes I’m gonna …. Ha! Right on the forehead!
She bolts up, and then immediately shakes her head at me, but this only makes me laugh harder. If the look in her eyes is anything to go by then it sure as hell looks like she’s plotting something. Yeah, I’m not so sure throwing popcorn at her while she was trying to sleep was really a great idea after all.
Misguided Truths: Part Two (Misjudged #4) Page 9