Grimbledung and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Mine (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 5)

by Robert P. Wills

  “Just south of that bronze mine.”

  Semfeld snapped his fingers. “Perfect. I say we take this stupid shop with us and set it up there for a few days or so. Then we can bring it back later on.” He beamed. “That way we are still open for business and honoring our word to those Gnomes!”

  Liverioso hugged Semfeld. “Brilliant!” He looked around the shop. “But do you know how to Minisculate this place? I don’t know that spell.”

  “I think I know someone who might be able to help.” He glanced at the curtain to the back room. “At least I hope he does.”

  Liverioso hugged Semfeld again. “Let’s ask him!” He released his friend with one hand and pulled him toward the curtain. “Let’s go! I want to be ready to go today!”

  Chapter 13

  Keebler, Leaves, and Teeth

  Three Elves walked down the boardwalk of town early in the morning. One turns to the others and says “So I don’t suppose you’ll be needing a drink.” [11]

  Three Elves walked down the boardwalk of Julesville. It was early still. “It’s no joking matter; I hate being in town,” said the one on the left. The far left- he was walking slightly away from the other two. Mainly because they annoyed him to no end. Or at least, no end was ever in sight. “That stinking Grimbledung making me come all the way out here.” He scowled. “With you two.”

  “Yeah, we had to go too,” Leaves grinned.

  The first Elf scowled again. “Hate it out here.”

  “Too much open spaces,” said the one beside him.

  “Well, the outdoors are like that,” said the third. “Know why?”

  The first grimaced; it had all the earmarks of another half-day discussion about nothing. The worst part was that since the trio was almost a week’s walk away from the Foreboding Forest, it meant at least fourteen half-days of discussions about nothing. Not including innumerable quips and comments that usually made no sense whatsoever. He closed his eyes and exhaled long and hard. He counted to ten in his head. In Giantish.

  “Why’s that?” Asked the second.

  “Cause of all the spaces.”

  When neither said anything else, the first let out a breath of relief. Often the pair would have hour-long conversations about nothing at all. Sometimes about completely different subjects at the exact same time, each ignoring what the other said. He was sure it was because of the frogs they licked on a regular basis. And the mushrooms they smoked. And ate. Once, he had even caught them trying to smoke a hapless purple tree frog. Through a mushroom stem.

  “You know what?”

  “For the love of all that is green,” said the first Elf. “Could we perhaps just walk in silence?” He looked at the pair. “Think we can do that? So we can get this over with?”

  “What do you think, Teeth?” Asked the second Elf, completely ignoring the other.

  “I like the quiet,” agreed Teeth. He smiled. “Know what else I like, Leaves?”

  Leaves grinned broadly. “No, man; I have no idea. Hey, Keebler, you know?”

  Keebler scowled. “I imagine it’s the outdoors, or weeds, or mushrooms, or frogs, or maybe playing a gig.”

  “Hey! I like all those things!” Exclaimed Leaves.

  “Me too, man!” Teeth slapped his hands together. “We should do all those things. Want to pick up a gig while we’re in town? It’d pay for a couple of frogs probably.”

  Keebler stopped walking. “No.” He hesitated, cringing on the inside. “Listen dudes,” he added, hoping it would garner their attention. “We are going to complete the mission.” He started walking again. As usual, the other two hadn’t stopped when he did.

  “Hey, I wanted a mission!” Leaves said.

  Teeth nodded. “Me too! Then they brought me one. Served it up like breakfast.”

  “I like breakfast too.”

  Teeth became serious. “Now I never want another one.”

  “Breakfast?” Leaves gaped at him.

  “Sure, I want breakfast,” said Teeth.

  Keebler slapped the back of Teeth’s head. “Stop it. Just stop it. It’s almost noon; we are not having breakfast.”

  “Lunch?”

  Keebler slapped the back of Leaves’ head. “We are going to deliver the ultimatum and then go home.”

  Leaves frowned. “Are we having lunch before we leave?”

  “Have we missed a meal yet?”

  Leaves considered that for a moment. Truth be told, the past week was - as with most weeks- a complete blur. An incident from several days ago moved through the fog of his mind. “What about that one thing a couple of days ago...”

  “Trying to smoke that frog through that mushroom was not...”

  “I swear Keebler, that frog said to put him in that King Stropharia.”

  “Teeth, that frog did not tell you to stuff him into that mushroom.”

  “Maybe he was already there?” Offered Leaves.

  Teeth nodded heartily. “Yeah, that’s probably...”

  Keebler shook his head. “I don’t even know why you two are with me.” He frowned. “What have I done to annoy the Chief to have her send you with me?” He thought back. “I mean, all I do is mind my own business and bake. Really, really well too. What would make her think I needed you two addle-heads to come along?” He looked at the pair as he raised his hands plaintively. “What?”

  “Maybe we got fans?”

  Teeth grinned at his partner. “We got fans, dude!”

  Keebler scowled. “I would like to think that folk are more discerning than that[12].

  “I think the discerning people are long gone by now,” said Teeth solemnly. “We’re down to the riff raff.”

  “Maybe even dregs,” offered Leaves.

  Keebler shook his head. “Let’s get this message delivered so I can go home.”

  Leaves nodded. “Whatever you say, Keebler.” He raised an eyebrow. “You know you’re uptight?”

  “You should relax.” Teeth patted his pockets. “Hey, you need a frog? I think I got one.”

  “No!” Keebler said louder than he wanted. Several passersby looked at the slow-walking trio of Elves. “I do not need a frog. What I need is to get back to my ovens and my baking.”

  “I could use some brownies,” admitted Leaves.

  “Please....”

  “Sorry, Keeb. Please you got brownies?!”

  “No, Leaves. I don’t got brownies.” Keebler sighed. “Please let’s just walk quietly for a little bit.”

  Teeth nodded.

  The trio walked in silence for several paces.

  Teeth looked at the buildings as they went. “You know, this town’s growing like…” He frowned. “Like…”

  “Growing things,” offered Leaves. “Fast growing things.”

  Keebler glanced at the pair.

  “Yeah. Just like fast growing things.”

  The pair walked in silence for several blocks.

  “You know what?”

  “What’s that, Leaves?”

  “This town’s growing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. Like Weed.”

  “Weed weed?”

  “No, Weed; your nephew, Weed not weed.”

  “Weed?”

  “Yeah.” Teeth nodded.

  “Weed is growing pretty good.” Leaves held his hand to his waist. “I remember when he only came up to here.” He moved his hand to his chest. “Now he’s up to here almost.”

  Leaves nodded. “You know who else is almost that tall?”

  “Who’s that?”

  “Weed.”

  Teeth nodded. “Yeah. He’s growing like this town. Hey, where’s this wand shop again?”

  Leaves tried to remember. “It’s on a corner, I think.”

  Teeth smiled. “Yeah. On a corner.” He pointed. “That one?”

  “Please, please. Just some quiet is all I ask for,” pleaded Keebler. “Ahh, finally!”

  “Finally it’s quiet?”

  “No, finally there’s that
Duck Inn and Dine. From what I hear, those two Gnomes are friends with the proprietor.

  “Good idea, Keeb’ ,” said Teeth. “We can deliver the ultimatum and get something to eat.”

  “At all once even,” agreed Leaves.

  Keebler cringed at the shortening of his name. “I know I’ve told you to not call me that.”

  “Don’t worry Keebleralicious,” said Teeth.

  “Keeblerooney.” Leaves shot back.

  “Keeblarific.” Teeth returned deftly.

  “Keebtastic!” Leaves overhanded.

  Teeth grinned. This was one of his favorite games. “KeeblerCoconutDream!” He volleyed.

  “Yaaa!” Keebler reached out for Teeth. “I am going to throttle you right here if you do not shut up!”

  “You should relax.” Teeth patted his pockets. “Hey, you need a frog? I think I got one.”

  “Yaaa!”

  Leaves winked. “You know what they say.”

  “What do they say?” Teeth asked.

  “A little Elfin frog goes a long way.”

  “No; no one says that,” countered Keebler. “Not ever.”

  “He just said that.” Leaves pointed at Teeth. “Heard it myself even.”

  “Hey, I heard it too,” said Teeth. He perked up his ears. The voice was kind of familiar. With a shrug, he pulled open the door to the Duck Inn. “Let’s go inside, Keeb. Get something to eat.”

  “Deliver that ultimatum.” Leaves added with a wink.

  “And get some lunch.” Teeth added helpfully. He gestured. “After you Keebalistic.”

  Chapter 14

  Three Elves Walk into an Inn

  The three Elves walked into the Inn. Keebler scowled as he pushed past the two into the small foyer. “The jokes are getting old.” He hesitated for a moment then moved left into the dining area. The smells from the kitchen washed over him. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. “Ahhh...”

  Teeth bumped into the back of Keebler. “No stopping in the doorway, Keeb!”

  Keebler stumbled forward. “I swear!”

  “Don’t do that, Keebs. We’ll start losing even the dregs if you do that.”

  Teeth nodded at Leaves. “Those are true words you just spoke.”

  “Can I help you three... Elves?” Flora asked. She held a tray to her hip. “Or are you just going to stumble around spooking the patrons.”

  Teeth smacked his lips. He eyed the Gnomess hungrily. “I’m starving.”

  “Well, Mister Starving, I’m not on the menu.”

  “That’s no good.” Leaves frowned. “You sure?”

  “Yeah.” Flora glowered at the Elf. “It’s not that kind of establishment. And I’m not that kind of gal.” She shifted the tray to one hand and moved her other hand to her pocket. “But if you want to see the kind of gal I am, keep making passes like that.” She narrowed her eyes. “We’ll be serving fried green tomatoes and Elf ribs for dinner.”

  Leaves perked up. “Say, that sounds good.” He blinked. “Wait.”

  “Just get us a table, Gnomess,” said Keebler. “We want to eat and take care of some business here in town and be on our way.”

  “Say Gnomess like that again.” Flora pulled her hand from her pocket. There was a long thin blade in it. “Just once.”

  “There some trouble here?” Nulu said from behind Flora. Since Grimbledung’s departure, Flora had been even testier than normal, snapping at customers and even threatening to cook several. The dirk was a new development. She leaned over the Gnomess’ head and gestured at the knife. “Something amiss, Flora?”

  Flora gestured at the lead Elf with the dirk. “Nothing’s amiss. As long as he changes the way he says Gnome.” She pointed it at Leaves. “And he doesn’t suggest that I’m on the menu.”

  Nulu looked at the Elf. “Excuse me?”

  “Well it was a misunderstanding,” offered Keebler. “My associate was definitely not implying that this is a house of ill repute.”

  Teeth’s eyes got large. “What? No, no. That is not what I meant at all.” He shook his head. “Sorry about that little, miss. That’s not what I meant!”

  “Well, that’s good to hear,” said Nulu.

  Leaves nodded. “Yeah, we figured we’d cook her and eat her. It’s been a goodly while since we ate a Gnome.” He frowned. “Last one we tried to eat got away.”

  “What?”

  “Uhm...” He pointed at Keebler. “He’s in charge. Talk to him.” Leaves stuck his hands in his pockets. “I’m just along for the ride, man.”

  Nulu stared at the Elves. “Wait a grain of sand. Are you from the Foreboding Forest?”

  Teeth grinned. “Yeah, you been there?” He eyed Nulu. “You look kind of familiar. You a Troll?”

  Nulu rolled her eyes. “No, I’m a really tall Dwarf.”

  “Wizard!” Said Leaves with a nod.[13]

  Flora looked up at Nulu. “Do I really have to serve these three?”

  Keebler looked down at her. “Our money’s good, Miss Gnome. Get us a table so we can finish our business and get out of here.” He let out a sigh. “If you please.”

  “What sort of business brings Foreboding Forest Elves to town?” Nulu put her hand on Flora’s shoulder. “I’ll show them to a table and take their order.”

  Flora nodded. She put the dirk back in her pocket. “Fine. I’ll do a pass of the room and check up on these three after.” With that she turned and left.

  “This way, gentlemen,” Nulu gestured to a table in a corner, hoping they would not interact with any other customers. She wanted nothing more than to get the cannibalistic Elves on their way. “Got a nice table in the corner.”

  The trio followed her there and sat. Teeth and Leaves slouched in their chairs in very un-Elflike manners. Keebler sat arrow-straight in his chair, hands on the table in a very Elflike manner.

  “Man I’m starving. What you got on the menu that’s ready right now?” Teeth snapped a napkin as he stuffed it into the front of his jerkin. “Got any meat?”

  Nulu nodded. “I’ll bring you some ribs. You want any sort of vegetables?”

  Keebler nodded. “Vegetables would be great.”

  “And to drink?”

  “A few ales.”

  “I’m not going to have any trouble out of you am I?” Nulu narrowed her eyes.

  Keebler shrugged. “We’re looking for someone specific.”

  “A Gnome,” said Leaves. “An annoying one at that.”

  Nulu exhaled. “Oh, man.”

  Teeth nodded. “Yeah, that’s him!” He frowned. “Caused a ruckus is what he did. Ran off all impolite like.”

  “You were trying to eat him, from what I heard.”

  “It wasn’t anything personal,” offered Leaves.

  “Cooking and eating someone is about as personal as you can get.” Nulu shook a finger at him. “And, I have to say, it’s not very civilized. Especially for Elves, I should say.”

  “Well, that all depends on how you cook them,” countered Leaves.

  “I take it you know this Grimbledung?” Keebler asked, seeing an opportunity to be relieved of his mission - and his two traveling companions.

  Nulu nodded. “He’s a good friend of mine, as a matter of fact.”

  Keebler pulled a parchment from inside his vest. “Give him this.” He held out the tan parchment. It had a ribbon with a blotch of wax holding it in place.

  “What have you there?” Nulu took the parchment.

  “A royal proclamation, man. From the Chief even,” said Teeth. “That makes it royal.”

  Keebler glanced at Teeth. “Yes. I am sure she figured that out.” He looked at Nulu. “That is personal correspondence so you need to give it directly to him.” He narrowed his eyes. “The fate of the entire town rest on his answer.”

  “Of course it does,” said Nulu. She put the parchment in her apron. “Well, there’s a couple of things that might cause issues with your royal proclamation that deals with the fate of the entire town.”
<
br />   “Of course there are.” Keebler slouched in his chair. “What are they?”

  “Well, first and foremost, Grimbledung can’t read so unless this is a royal pictogram, he’s going to just play with it.”

  Keebler pursed his lips. “And?”

  “And the little basket of insanity’s not here.” She looked up. “But I’m sure wherever he is, he’s causing turmoil.”

  Keebler looked around the tavern. “Well, I figured that much or I would have handed it to him personally.” He gave a genuine smile, realizing her Gnome associate gave her the same amount of consternation as his pair gave him. “Please just read it to him when you see him.”

  “No, that’s not it. I mean he’s not here in town; he’s gone on an adventure.”

  “I love adventures!” Leaves said.

  “Hey, me too, man,” said Teeth.

  “Now I’m getting annoyed.” Keebler closed his eyes. “When. Does. He. Get. Back.”

  Flora sidled up beside Nulu. She put the edge of her tray on the table and slid off three frosted ales. “We have no idea when he will get back. And you’ll need to get in line; I’ve been annoyed by his antics for months.”

  Keebler rubbed his temples. “The royal proclamation is explicit about the timeline.”

  “No way man; we can’t have explicit!”

  Teeth nodded at Leaves. “That’s as bad as swearing!”

  Nulu smirked. “Well, you and your royal proclamation are going to just have to wait until he comes back.”

  “Cool. Where’d he go? Mayhap we can run across the little fellow”, Teeth said. He picked up the ale and took a drink. “On that adventure you so helpfully mentioned.”

  Flora scowled. “To the Lost Picman’s Mine.”

  “Oh, I love that place!” Leaves said. “Hey, Keeb, can we go there too? Can we? Can we?”

  Keebler rubbed his temples harder. “No.”

  “Go there too?”

  Leaves nodded at Flora. “You never been? You should go! Or come with us!”

  “Yeah! Come with us, little Gnome lady!” Added Teeth.

  “We are not going to the Lost Picman’s Mine.” Declared Keebler.

  “What?” Flora said.

  “I was going to tell you, Flora. The mine isn’t really lost.”