Grimbledung and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Mine (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 5)

by Robert P. Wills

  “WHAT? It’s lost you know. It’s even in the name!”

  Keebler put his hands on the table as he exhaled. “You people are killing me. Killing me. That’s just a name. A marketing gimmick.” He stood up. “Let’s go.”

  “But...” Leaves picked up his drink. “We’ve ordered.”

  “Just a grain of sand,” said Flora. “The lost mine is a gimmick?”

  Teeth gulped down his drink then stood as well.

  Keebler dropped a silver coin on the table. “This is intolerable.” He pointed at Nulu. “If you see that cursed Gnome first, read him that royal proclamation. Otherwise, we will deal with him ourselves.”

  “Dude! We’re going to the Lost Picman’s Mine!” Leaves toasted Teeth with his mug then downed it in one gulp. “I want to ride the ferret wheel!”

  “But I’m hungry, Keebler,” said Teeth. “Starving even.”

  “Well pick up someone on the way out of town.”

  “What?”

  Keebler scowled at the Trolless. “Some-thing. We’ll pick up something on the way out of town.”

  The three turned to leave. “Deliver the proclamation,” Keebler said over his shoulder as he stalked to the curtain. When he got there, he held it back. “Let’s get going.”

  Teeth and Leaves scrambled to be first through the curtain. Keebler just shook his head as they tried to shove past each other.

  Without another word, Keebler followed the pair out.

  “I’ve got to find Akita.” Nulu moved to the curtain. “Keep an eye on things, Flora.”

  Flora pulled the silver coin to the edge of the table and let it drop into her pocket. “If those three find Grimbledung first...”

  “I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’s pretty good at taking care of himself. He’s gotten out of some pretty tight spots, Flora. I mean really tight spots.”

  Flora nodded. “Yeah, I know.” She slid the two empty mugs onto her tray. She picked up Keebler’s mug and took a long drink from it. “That’s what double shackles are for.”

  Nulu blinked at the Gnomess. “What?”

  “Nothing, nothing at all.” Flora put on a sweet smile. “It’s just an expression.” She downed the rest of the drink and put it on the tray.

  “You can explain it to me after I get back. Right now I need those three escorted out of town before they grab someone to be their snack.” Nulu gave a wave over her shoulder as she pushed past the curtain. When she barged out the door, she ran headlong into L’owen.

  As the two tumbled to the ground, L’owen twisted so he was on top of Nulu. “Still barreling your way through life?” L’owen asked as he smoothly rolled to his feet. He extended his hand. “And looking great doing it, I might add.”

  Nulu looked up at the Elf. “L’owen?” She grasped his hand and let him help her to her feet. “What are you doing in town?” She looked around suspiciously. “Business?”

  “Personal; I was visiting a former student of mine to congratulate her on her upcoming nuptials.”

  “Very nice of you.” She raised an eyebrow. “Just that?” She looked down at their hands which were still together.

  “Well, to be honest with you, I had no idea you were even here in town. I lost track of you since the thing with the guy at the place.” He smiled. “I’ll never forget it.”

  “Well, that was my pleasure; I’d never been to Belizistan.”

  “If you're going to be around with time to spare, maybe I'll stay as well.” L’owen brought her hand up and kissed it. “Have a drink. Or something.”

  “We could have one here in a little bit.” She jerked her thumb at the Duck Inn and Dine.

  “I hear you’re a regular there.”

  Nulu smirked. “Oh, it’s much worse that that; I own it.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I heard.” L’owen said. “Good base of operations; a bar.”

  “I’m legitimate now…” Nulu paused. “Listen, I have to go have the constable escort some cannibal Elves out of town before they snatch and grab a snack on their way out. I’ll be back shortly.” She started to back away. L’owen still held her hand.

  “I’ll be here.” L’owen finally let go. “Paying for drinks until the owner comes back.” He waved. “Go save the townsfolk, Miss Legitimate.”

  Nulu grinned then jogged off. She made it only a half dozen steps before she noticed Big Julie standing in her path. She had her hands crossed across her chest. Nulu skidded to a stop. “Julie!”

  “So, who’s the tall, pale, and handsome Elf?”

  Nulu did a double-take. “Wha- what?”

  “The gentleman that I saw that didn’t want to let go of your hand.” She raised an eyebrow. “After kissing it.”

  “Oh... him.”

  “Yes... him.”

  “He’s an old friend from my old life. He did some work for me when I was running…” She paused and looked around. “That thing with the people that worked for me.”

  Julie laughed. “I see.”

  “Listen Julie, I can’t talk right now; three Elves just showed up and delivered a royal proclamation for Grimbledung.” Nulu took it out and handed it to Julie. “And I need to make sure Akita follows them out of town so they don’t accost some citizen as a snack.”

  Julie’s eyes got big. “Gads! Yes, go tell Akita and I’ll meet you inside.” She pointed. “Akita’s back at the jail. I saw him heading that way as I was coming here.” She stifled a smile. “I’ll meet you back at your place.”

  Nulu took to a run. The fact that the Elves could take a hapless person from town as a meal was still forefront in her mind, however it was now accompanied by the fact that Big Julie and L’owen would have time to talk without her around.

  Nulu ran as fast as her feet would carry her to Akita’s.

  Even so, by the time she got back it was too late.

  Chapter 15

  Abbreviated Road Trip

  Semfeld stood from the table and carried his plate to the wash basin. “Well that hit the spot.” His partner had bolted from the table after wolfing down their late breakfast. “Where are you, Liverioso?”

  “I’m downstairs,” Liverioso called. “Are you ready yet?”

  “I just finished eating!”

  “It’s almost noon you know! We need to get going.”

  Semfeld rubbed his temples. “Fine, fine. Give me a few minutes…”

  “We need to leave now!”

  Semfeld clenched his fists and shook them. “Give me a few minutes!” When his partner didn’t answer, he turned and went to the POOPA. As he opened the door, he called down the stairs. “Give me just a few minutes and I’ll be down!” When his partner didn’t answer him, he grasped the pole and slid down.

  Exactly ten minutes later.

  Semfeld walked into the front of the shop. “Liverioso,” he began as he pushed past the curtain, “I hope you realize we can’t just leave lickedy-split. We have response…”

  Liverioso leapt in front of his partner. He pointed a wand at his partner. “I have it!”

  “Liverioso?” Semfeld backed against the curtain. “What are you doing?” He turned and looked over his shoulder, judging the distance to the back door just in case he made a run for it.”

  “Semfeld; I have it!” Liverioso waved the wand again. “Right here!”

  Semfeld backed another step, pushing the curtain to the side so it wouldn’t slow him down when he ran for the back door. It was a long way back. He decided to stall for time. “What do you have?”

  “The answer to our problems.” He held the wand up. “Right here!”

  “How is that an answer to our problems? What problems are you talking about exactly?”

  Liverioso noticed his partner had backed up three steps. “Are we just going to leave? I thought you said we should get our affairs in order first.” He moved to the counter. “This is a great day, Semfeld!” He put the wand on the counter.

  Relived his partner wasn’t more unstable than usual, or homicidal, Semfeld le
t the curtain drop in place behind him as he reentered the sales area. “Yes it is. It has been a long time coming too.” He pulled out a stool and sat. “So... what’s with the wand?”

  “It’s the solution to our problems!” Liverioso held out a coffee pot for his partner. When Semfeld pushed his cup under it, he poured the coffee.

  Semfeld brought the cup to his lips and blew on the coffee to cool it. “What problem is that? Is that a wand that will take us to Cuticle? Is that why we now have time for coffee?”

  “I wish this would get us there.” He patted the wand as he picked up his own cup. “This, my friend, is the wand that stupid Gnome used to put this shop here. I actually found it last night.”

  Semfeld looked at the wand. “You sure it’s the right one?” He peered at it. After watching an hour of charades between his partner and the annoyingly unhelpful jousting dummy, he had given up and gone to bed.

  Liverioso poured himself some coffee. “Dummy confirmed it; it’s the Minisculate! Wand.” He put some sugar in his coffee.

  Semfeld took a sip. “Well, we can just use the wand too. That is good you found it.”

  “My first plan was to just burn the place to the ground when I couldn’t find the thing.” Liverioso took a tentative sip. “But this way the law won’t be involved and we don’t have to find someone else to run the shop while we’re away because we’ll just take it with us. And when we stop at night, we can just ContraMinisculate it to have a place to stay and even make some sales along the way. It’s a perfect plan!” He toasted his partner and took another sip.

  Semfeld nodded. “I’m glad you found it; that is one big thing out of the way. Now all we need is a wagon and a beast to pull it.” He looked around the shop. “And maybe some…” He stared off into space.

  Liverioso put down his cup. When his partner still hadn’t moved he got worried. “Semfeld, you alright?”

  Semfeld slapped his hands on the table. “A teleport spell!”

  Liverioso frowned. “Well, I can do a pretty good Dispel Kidney Stones trick, but I don’t think that will translate to what we need. We don’t have a teleport spell.”

  Semfeld shook his head. “No, not yet. Akita’s the solution to that problem.”

  “You think he can extradite us? We’d have to commit a crime in Cuticle. And if we did that, then our problems would be solved. But we’d have to be in Cuticle to do it, and at that point, we wouldn’t need extradited.” Liverioso frowned.

  “No, no. Akita’s seeing that Elf-witch that runs that shop. I’m sure she has something along those lines. And if she’s not willing, I am sure Akita would like to be rid of us for good, so he would put in a good word for us..”

  “You sure?”

  “Everyone knows they are a couple.”

  “No, not that. I mean that she has something to send us there.”

  Semfeld nodded. “I’m sure. She’s a witch, after all.”

  Liverioso grinned at his partner. “Brilliant! We’ll be there in a wink of an eye.” He considered that a moment. “Or a rubbing of a lamp.”

  “That’s only for Djinns.”

  “Oh.” Liverioso rubbed his hands together. “Oh, well maybe it will be something else then.” He smiled. “Let’s go see what she has to say. I really want to see Sage now that I know where she is.”

  Semfeld nodded at his partner. “I am happy for you, Liverioso. Really I am.”

  “Let’s go then!” Liverioso stood and gulped down his coffee. “I’m ready!”

  “Right.” He frowned. “Well, I was going to actually enjoy my cup of coffee.” A thought occurred to him. “Let’s let Dummy know what’s happening so he doesn’t cause any problems for us. Besides, maybe he can mind the shop while we’re at Maca’s.”

  “I’ll go tell him while you have that cup!” Liverioso bolted to the back room.

  Semfeld sipped his coffee. “Well, at least one of us has found love.” After only a moment, Liverioso was shouting at Dummy. With a scowl Semfeld hopped off the stool to see what was happening. When Semfeld entered the back room, Dummy was frantically waving his arms over his head. “Why are you shouting, Dummy?”

  Liverioso turned towards Semfeld and pointed an accusatory finger at Dummy. “You tell him that I HAVE to go!”

  Dummy pointed at the floor.

  “We can’t leave the shop here!” Liverioso shouted.

  Dummy pointed at himself.

  “You can’t be left running the shop!”

  Dummy raised his mittens exasperated.

  “Yes, for today… this today… you can, but not on a long-term basis!”

  Dummy waved his arms.

  “Just because!”

  Dummy crossed his arms.

  “Semfeld, please help!”

  Semfeld took a deep breath. “Listen, Dummy. We are trying to do right by the Gnomes. The other option is to just board up the place and head out. We are trying to do the right thing here.” He pointed at Liverioso. “It is, after all, his long lost love. You can’t very well expect him to not go after finding out where she is after all this time.”

  Dummy made an hourglass shape.

  “Well, they were young teenagers back then so it was more like this.” Semfeld made a straight line with his hands, careful to not spill his coffee.

  Dummy put his hands on his hips.

  “Well, she’s probably filled out by now.”

  Dummy gave a hearty thumbs up.

  “Then you’ll watch the store this morning while we’re getting things arranged and stuff?”

  Dummy tilted his mitt back and forth.

  “And we’ll let you tend shop more often as well,” added Semfeld. “Promise.”

  Dummy stuck out his mitt.

  Liverioso shook it. “Deal.”

  “Fine then. Get the box, Liverioso.” Semfeld picked up Dummy (from behind or it would have been creepy) and shuffled to the front of the store.

  After Liverioso put the box down behind the counter, Semfeld put Dummy on it.

  Dummy gave another thumbs up.

  “We’ll be back as soon as we can.” Semfeld said. “And we’ll make sure you’re more involved with shop operations from now on,” Semfeld lied.

  Dummy gave two thumbs up.

  “Let’s get to Herbs and More. Much More and see what that witch can do for us.”

  Semfeld nodded. “After you.” He gestured at Door.

  The pair left the shop and practically jogged to Maca’s. Without even checking the door first, Liverioso barged in.

  Chapter 16

  Herbs and More. Much More

  The shop was empty.

  “Where is everyone?” Liverioso looked around.

  “Well, it’s early. Maybe she doesn’t have any customers yet,” offered Semfeld.

  Liverioso sat in a chair and put his head in his hands. “I’m never going to get to her.”

  “Maca’s got to be around someplace.” Semfeld pointed at the door. “The door’s unlocked so someone has to be tending the place, right?”

  The coat rack perked up.

  Semfeld didn’t notice.

  The coat rack gave a little hop.

  The movement caught Semfeld’s attention. “Hello? Do you know where Maca is?”

  The coat rack shrugged.

  “Is she here? When does she get back?” Semfeld asked.

  Liverioso looked at the exchange between the pair “Didn’t we just leave this insanity in our shop?”

  The coat rack leaned left.

  “What kind of answer is that?”

  The coat rack leaned back.

  “Well this is just absurd. Who is in charge?

  The coat rack did a little hop.

  “We’ll never get there,” sobbed Liverioso. He put his head back in his hands and began to cry.

  The coat rack scooted over to the sobbing Magician and patted him with one of her wooden arms. When he looked up, she re-curled it.

  Semfeld eyed the coat rack. “Say, are you th
e coat rack that our door is seeing?”

  The coat rack craned its spine and looked at the ceiling. Then the wall. Then the counter.

  “So it is you!”

  The coat rack shrugged as noncommittally as a coat rack could.

  “This is hopeless. How are we supposed to get anything out of her if we can’t even understand what she is saying!” Liverioso leaned back in his chair. He wiped his nose on his sleeve. “Hopeless.”

  The coat rack uncurled two of its arms and spread them out wide.

  “You can sell us stuff?”

  The coat rack gave a salute.

  “Fine then. We need a way to get to Cuticle.” Semfeld paused. “It’s a town south of the Riatoh Bronze Mines. We were hoping for some sort of teleportation type spell so we don’t spend a two and a half weeks going there and back.”

  Coat Rack nodded.

  “Do you have a way for us to get there?” Liverioso peered up at Coat Rack.

  Coat Rack nodded.

  Semfeld exhaled slowly. “That is a relief. So what do you have?”

  Coat Rack uncurled two arms and pantomimed riding an animal.

  “We were hoping you have a more efficient, more magical way of getting there.”

  Coat Rack rubbed the ends of its arms together.

  “Expensive huh? Well, if it saves us two weeks riding through Troll country, then it’s worth it. What’s it cost?”

  Coat Rack stared at Semfeld.

  Semfeld stared at Coat Rack. After a moment he startled. “Oh! Sorry. Is it… a copper?”

  Coat Rack tapped one of its feet.

  “Fine, fine... Five silver?”

  Coat Rack paused for the slightest of moments then motioned higher with one of its arms.

  “Eight?”

  Coat Rack motioned higher.

  “Gads; it’s not a whole gold coin, is it?”

  Coat Rack did a little hop. Secretly, she was happy she was able to overcharge the Magician by a whole three silver coins. She figured if he balked, she would lower the price.

  “Fine, fine. A gold coin for a magical method to get all of us to Cuticle and back. Oh, and also Sage if she comes back as well.”

  “Why wouldn’t she come back?” Liverioso sat up. “What are you saying?”