“Right, right. Then I think it might have been to tell you about the secret passage. Unless I already mentioned that.”
Several people moved closer to the trio.
Drimblerod quickly scooped Rat off Grimbledung’s shoulder. “Keep it down about things of such,” he whispered.
Grimbledung put his hands on his hips. “Is this like the Great Map Incident?”
Drimblerod’s eyes got large. “Hey, is this like the map incident?” He waggled a finger at Rat.
“Exactly like it.” Rat assured. “Exactly like it.”
“Well that was a complete waste of a copper.”
Rat sat on his hind end and spread his claws out wide. “Please remind me where we are at the moment?”
“Sure, but it wasn’t at all what we were expecting,” countered Grimbledung.
“That, my dear Gnome, is entirely your fault. My map business venture got us here in two days instead of the wandering aimlessly for almost three weeks that your business got us.”
“Hey, that’s right!” Drimblerod waggled his finger at Grimbledung now.
“Now hold on a grain of sand!” Exclaimed Grimbledung. “I thought we were ganging up on Rat!”
“That was yesterday,” said Rat, matter-of-factly.
Grimbledung smiled at his partner. “Oh yeah, that’s right. That was a fun day.”
“Rat doesn’t need ganged up on,” said Rat, “he needs a pat on his head and a snack in his belly.”
“I’ll make sure not to mix those two up.”
Rat nodded at Drimblerod. “I’d appreciate that.”
“So when we get close…” Drimblerod looked around. Several people had moved even closer to the trio. “Grim, if you please?” He gestured at his partner.
Grimbledung waggled his ears. Then flapped his arms furiously. The change of aroma in the immediate area was immediate. And gut wrenching.
Everyone took several steps away from the trio.
“Thanks.”
Grimbledung gave a little bow.
“SO when we get close, just give the ‘hi’ sign.”
“The ‘high’ sign?”
“No, ‘hi’ sign.”
“High?”
“Hi!”
“I have no idea what either of those are,” admitted Rat.
Drimblerod exhaled loudly. “Grim, give him the ‘hi’ sign.”
Grimbledung waved at the pair. “Hi.” He said with a smile.
“I really need to reassess my life choices,” said Rat.
“Hi!” Said Grimbledung.
“For the love of…”
“Hi!”
“Hi, hi HI!” Rat waved repeatedly at Grimbledung.
Grimbledung put his hand down. “You don’t just leave a ‘hi’ sign hanging like that,” he tut-tutted.
“That is true,” agreed Drimblerod.
“You know, he’s rubbing off on you, right?” Rat asked Drimblerod. He turned and judged the distance to Grimbledung’s shoulder. “That’s a little far. Can you just put me there?”
Drimblerod obliged Rat. “There you go. Thanks again, Rat.”
“So when does this tour start, Pop?” Grimbledung looked around expectedly. “Rolton Chips, why doesn’t it work like when something bad is going to happen?”
“We’ll just have to wait patiently, Grim.”
A long three minutes later.
“Now wait a grain of sand. What if I am there instead of here?” Asked Grimbledung.
“Yaaa!” Screeched a Dwarf. “You won’t be anywhere if you don’t just be quiet!”
Most everyone around Grimbledung nodded.
“Well, I’m dashed.” Grimbledung put his hands on his hips. “Officially dashed.” He peered at Rat. “You dashed?”
“That is a good assessment. I am sitting here dashed as well.”
“I agree that you are sitting there dashed.”
“I thought I was here.” Rat twitched his whiskers.
Grimbledung shook his head. “No, no; you are definitely there. I can see that from here.”
The Dwarf grabbed Grimbledung by the collar and shook him violently. “Be quiet!”
“Gaa!” Exclaimed Grimbledung. Because that was all that would come out.
“Hey let go of my part… kid!” Drimblerod grabbed the Dwarf’s shoulders and began tugging.
Grimbledung’s head now spun in a circle instead of back and forth.
“Not… an… improvement!” Grimbledung offered.
“Well you are getting more air there,” offered Rat.
“Yes... more… air… here.”
“Yaaa!” The Dwarf tightened his grip. “I’m going to kill ya right here and now, Laddie!”
“Security!” A female voice shouted. “Security at the Grand Mine Tour entrance!”
Two Orcs pushed their way through the crowd. Even when folks moved out of their way, they veered to make sure they could still shove people out of the way.
“Leggo dat Gnome!” Said one. “Or else.”
The second Orc hit the Dwarf on the head with a rather large blackjack.
The Dwarf obliged by collapsing in a heap.
“Hey, you no give him chance to decide if he want or else or not.” Said First Orc.
“Oh, I thought I make that decision.” Second Orc said. He looked at the very unconscious Dwarf. “You not talking to me?”
“What now? Yes.”
“No, then.”
“Over there?” Grimbledung tossed into the mess.
“Yeah, over there, then.” Said First Orc, suddenly confused. “Or maybe here, then.”
“Maybe you were here and there then.”
First Orc squinted down at Grimbledung. “You want or else?”
“What here?”
First Orc produced his own well-worn black jack. “Yeah, here.”
“No, sir.” Grimbledung put his hands in his pockets.
“Clean up at the Grand Mine Tour entrance!” A female voice shouted. “Cleanup at the Grand Mine Tour entrance!”
“Dat us too?” Asked Second Orc.
The first Orc nodded. “Dat us.” He pointed at the Dwarf. With two fingers of course. “We clean up messes we make.
Second Orc picked up the now-just-groggy Dwarf. “Where we take him? The dump?”
“Sure? Dat sound right.”
Feeling bad that his partner’s antics had caused the Dwarf to fall into the predicament he currently occupied- namely not going on the tour that he paid a nonrefundable entrance fee for- Drimblerod offered: “How about lost and found? That way someone can claim him.”
“Folk get claimed at dump,” countered First Orc.
“That’s technically ‘repurposed’,” said Drimblerod to First Orc. “I think the lost and found is a better idea.”
“Sure?” Tried First Orc.
“Well, dat closer than dump.”
“Cleaning up!” Screeched a female voice. “Cleaning up at the Grand Mine Tour entrance!”
“They’re cleaning up here, lady!” Rat twitched his whiskers.
“Yeah, there’s a cleanup’s going on there,” said Grimbledung.
“Lost and found then.” Agreed Second Orc. He shook the Dwarf. “Let go so pay not get docked.”
The first nodded. “Need all my money. I make hole in crowd.” He pointed at the exit with two fingers. As the crowd parted to give them a clear path to the exit, the Orc veered into them pushing them into the open area they had just created.
Second Orc followed behind his partner.
“Well, that was a show,” said Grimbledung.
A female cleared her throat. Loudly.
Everyone turned to look.
A petit blond Elf stood in front of a red velvet rope stretched across the entrance to the mine. She smiled sweetly. “If I may have everyone’s…”
“Got a sore throat there?” Interrupted Grimbledung. He waggled his ears.
The Elf stopped looking around the room and focused a seething stare on Gr
imbledung. If daggers could come out of her eyes, they would have. She cleared her throat again.
Grimbledung stopped waggling his ears and looked down at his feet.
The Elf smiled sweetly. “If I can have everyone’s attention for a moment, we will start the Grand Mine Tour. My name is Laurita and I will be your guide.”
Grimbledung kept looking at his feet.
Laurita cleared her throat.
Grimbledung looked up. While he was sure he didn’t see daggers, he was pretty sure that her eyes now had a red tint to them. He smiled sheepishly. “I think I’m in love,” he said out of the corner of his mouth to Drimblerod.
Laurita smiled sweetly and began to look around the room, making eye contact with folks as she did. “The Grand Mine Tour is an hour-long walking tour of the mine. Some passages are narrow. There are no hand rails blocking most of the chasms, holes, or crevices. And blood sucking bats live in one of the mines. Anyone not want to continue my tour, just say so now.” She narrowed her eyes.
No one dared answer.
She smiled. “Excellent. Also be aware that the mine has been extensively searched; there are no secret passaged and absolutely positively no treasure to be found.”
Rat winked at Drimblerod.
“And in the absurdly unlikely event something is actually found,” the Elf continued, “be aware that the mine is private property and taking anything from it will result in immediate persecution.”
Grimbledung raised his hand.
Laurita made eye contact with Grimbledung.
“Don’t’ you mean pro-secution?”
Laurita smiled again. “With the immediate, terminal, per-secution being carried out by the Pinker Tonnes Security Division.”
Several people gasped.
“I know a guy who dealt with PTSD; it was no joking matter, Grim,” said Drimblerod.[27]
Grimbledung gulped.
“Oh yes,” the Elf continued. “And even though it is not necessary at all, the mines are also guarded by ten Gremlins who work in the Property Recovery Division of that self-same company.”
Drimblerod winked at Rat. He elbowed Grimbledung. When his partner glanced at him, he pulled up his tunic sleeve revealing his six-toed tattoo.
Grimbledung waggled his ears.
“And if the thief happens to make it to the light of day and actually breathe free air, the Personnel Locating Division will find them in short order. Then deal with them.” Laurita cleared her throat
Grimbledung and Drimblerod immediately looked at her.
“So we will all stick together throughout the tour…”
Grimbledung raised his hand.
“… and I will answer all questions at the end of the tour.” The Elf scowled for the briefest of moments. “There’s one in every group.” She smiled again. “Yes, Mister Gnome, what is it?”
“I have three questions: does this tour include the Lost Picman’s mine?”
“And?”
“Are all Pixies mean or just the ones I meet?”
The Elf stared at Grimbledung. Her voice dropped a full octave. “And?”
“Does this tour include the Lost Picman’s mine?” He dropped his hand.
The Elf glanced at Drimblerod.
Drimblerod shrugged. He wasn’t really listening to the questions. Three weeks on the road with his partner had made him numb to a fair bit of his antics.
“Yes, the Grand Mine Tour does indeed include the Lost Picman’s mine. The tour includes three mines and one cave…”
Grimbledung raised his hand.
“…That I will discuss each as we enter them!”
Grimbledung lowered his hand.
Laurita’s tone softened. “So let’s start the tour, all right?”
Grimbledung raised his hand.
“All Pixies hate you!” The Elf screeched.
Grimbledung put his hands in his pockets.
“You seem dashed over there?” Rat twitched his whiskers. “Yes?”
Laurita turned and unhooked the velvet rope on one side. She tossed it at the other pole where the small brass hook caught on the eyelet there. Flourishing a wand, she held it aloft. “Follow the light.” The end of the wand burst into a bright bluish light.
“It’s the second mine,” said Rat. “It’s mine, mine, cave, mine.”
Drimblerod nodded. “Well, we might as well enjoy the tour until we get there.”
“Mine, mine, mine, huh? Greedy,” Grimbledung said. “I was going to share with you, but now I’m not too sure.”
Rat bit Grimbledung’s ear.
“Hey-a!” Grimbledung rubbed his ear. He pulled his hand away fulling expecting to see his own blood.
Laurita craned her neck to look back at him. “Is there a problem?”
“Not here.” Grimbledung waggled his ears.
“Nice,” Rat whispered. “I think you had her going there.”
“Nice.” Responded Grimbledung.
“Quiet you two,” whispered Drimblerod. “We need to keep a low profile so we can break off from the group without anyone noticing.”
The pair nodded back.
“The first mine starts here,” said Laurita. “Welcome to the Dwarf Mine of Doom.”
Chapter 41
Dwarf Mine of Doom
“Dwarf mine of doom?” Grimbledung gulped. “That doesn’t sound enjoyable at all. I’m going to ask her why it’s not called something nice like Happy Mine of Fun or something.”
“Don’t be dopey,” said Rat. “You’ll just made her grumpy doing that. She’s happy now, so let’s keep her that way.” He held a claw to his mouth. “Shhhh.”
“The Dwarf Mine of Doom is called that because of its previous owners; the Troll brothers Heigh and Hoe Doom.” Laurita gestured around the mine.
“What’s wrong with Trolls? I know a couple of Trolls and they’re pretty nice.” A female near Laurita asked.
Laurita lifted her wand and panned it over her head. As she did, a wide swath of light spread out from it. The fifty-foot band of light hovered in the air then very slowly rose to the ceiling casting light all around them. “That is a good question.” She lowered her wand. “These two particular Trolls were greedy and often bought the indenture contracts for hapless gamblers and forced them to work off their debt here.”
“Hey, she didn’t even raise her hand,” Grimbledung complained. “I’m going to point that out.”
“Low profile, Grim. We need a low profile so just let it go.”
Grimbledung exhaled loudly. “Fine, fine.” He looked around. “It is a nice looking mine as far as mines go.”
“Yes it is,” agreed Laurita.
Emboldened by the lack of any castigation, Grimbledung continued: “Probably still has lots of mining left in it too, I’d imagine. Yes?”
Laurita shook her head. “Actually no. That’s why we were able to buy it so cheaply; the last poor indentured servants who worked the mine were forced to practically clean it out of gems.”
“Really? Who were these intrepid miners?”
“They were actually older gentlemen.” Laurita raised an eyebrow to scattered chuckles. It was a standard, approved by management joke.
“Oh yeah, I’m in love,” Grimbledung said to Drimblerod softly. He smiled at the Elf. “Hah, good one there Laurita. So who were these older gentlemen?”
“It was a troop of Dwarves.”
Grimbledung considered that for a moment. “Ah, so twelve of them? I can see how that many natural diggers would be able to strip a mine.”
“Well, after their debts were bought by Heigh and Hoe, five of them ran off, never to be seen again. The ones that remained worked the mine.”
Grimbledung startled. “So those five ran off and left the remaining ones to dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig in the mine the whole day through? Bad form, that.”
Laurita nodded. “Yes, but remember that they were Dwarves so to dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig is what they really like to do.
“W
orking like that, it’s no trick to get rich quick.” Offered Grimbledung.
“Sure, if you dig with a shovel or a pick.” Agreed Laurita.
“In a mine? Where a million diamonds shine?” Grimbledung crossed his arms. “That’d hardly be work.”
“Well,” Laurita continued as she moved to the rest of the company approved spiel, “they would dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig from early morn’ till night.”
“Why at that pace, they’d dig up everything in sight!” A female Human exclaimed.
“They did dig up diamonds by the score, a thousand rubies, sometimes more.”
“What did Heigh and Hoe do with all those gems? You’d think they would flood the market and wreck the price of precious gems.” Drimblerod asked. He had never heard of a hoard of gems flooding the market.
“We don’t know what they dug ‘em for.” Admitted Laurita.
“How’s that?”
Laurita looked up- the light from her wand had started to fade. She quickly cast another smear of blue light. It dutifully began to rise. “Well, Heigh and Hoe ended up dying in the mine when they were betrayed by this old hag. And apparently she ran off with all the treasure, leaving the two Troll brothers’ corpses to dry up here in the mine.”
“Spooky.” Grimbledung shuddered.
“It is.” Laurita lowered her voice. “And, on some nights when the wind blows just right, you can hear the two brothers calling to each other, still driven by greed to mine gems….” Laurita raised her voice to a high, spectral sound and chanted: “Heigh… Hoe… Heigh… Hoe…Heigh… Hoe! Off to work we go!”
“Gads, that is spooky,” said Rat. He moved closer to Grimbledung’s neck.
Laurita stopped chanting and perked up with a smile. “So let’s continue the tour.” She pointed into the mine. “On the left you will see the mine car the Dwarves used to move the gems and to ride around in.
Grimbledung started to whistle as they walked.
“You scared?” Rat asked.
“You kidding? Remember the last time we ran into some ghosts?”
Rat moved right beside Grimbledung’s neck. “Yeah, I remember. Let’s get going, huh?”
“Just relax you two,” said Drimblerod. “Just remember that once we find the treasure it’s home from this we go.”
The pair nodded at him.
“If you want to see the cottage the Dwarves lived in, you can book that tour at the end of this one,” Laurita said, giving the obligatory upsell pitch.
Grimbledung and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Mine (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 5) Page 22