“Gads, the skeletons might be gone, but they still have Gremlins and Orcs patrolling about. We need to keep him quiet. Let’s go, Rat.”
The two rushed into the dark vault, expecting the worst.
As usual, things were not what they seemed.
Chapter 45
The Terrible Horrible No Good
Election Committee
“I hate you people,” said Julie.
“I second that emotion.” Nulu said with a smile.
Magnus sat with his arms crossed. He had a smug look on his face. Even though Nulu had threatened to slap it off just moments before.
“So the election will take place in two months’ time,” said a council member.
Magnus nodded. “That is just fine by me; the sooner the better.”
“I’m not sure if two months is enough to put on a proper campaign.”
“So you’re running then?” Magnus raised his eyebrow at her. Even though Nulu had threatened to rip it off just moments before. “Won’t that be entertaining.”
“No, I am not running, you dolt,” Nulu said.
“Then it’s you again, Miss Dictator?”
Nulu stood. “Remember what I said about that tongue of yours?”
“Yes, I believe you threatened to pull it out of my head just moments before.” Magnus stood in one fluid motion. His hand reflexively fell to the ever-present conch shell hanging from his belt. “You know; I am really going to enjoy revoking your liquor license when I am mayor.”
“So it’s settled then?” Another council member said nervously. He wanted nothing more than to get the group of people who were on the verge of what would be a fairly gruesome brawl to go elsewhere. “The election will take place at the end of the month in two months’ time.” He smiled hopefully. “So in the meantime you can take your violent tendencies elsewhere, if you please.”
“What would please me,” Nulu said turning on the man, “would be if you buffoons had done your job months ago so we wouldn’t be in this situation.”
“Well, we are mere elected officials after all; we just can’t make decisions on things.” Said the female Dwarf at the end. “So see you in a couple of months then?” She pointed at the door. “And not too much sooner, please.”
Julie shook her head. “Yes, we are leaving so you can go back to doing absolutely nothing at all, all day long.”
All seven councilmen looked relieved.
Julie rolled her eyes. “Let’s go Nulu. We need to find a candidate for mayor. And for several councilman positions.”
All seven councilmen looked less relieved.
Opus von Magnus steepled his fingers. “Yes, you do that. Find a candidate who will invariably lose to me. Go find them!” He tapped his fingertips together. “Mwuahaa, mwuahaa, haaa haaa!”
“If you keep speaking Giantish in public, I’m going to have Akita lock you up.” Julie deadpanned.
“I wasn’t speaking Giantish you oaf, I was laughing menacingly at my own success.” As soon has he said it, Magnus realized he was being mocked. With a flourish of his black robes, he stalked out.
“Oh, Nulu, who are we going to get to run against him if Flora won’t?” Julie turned to the council. “Any of you want to do it? I don’t know if I can handle waiting while she makes up her mind.”
In a flurry of speed they had never displayed, the entire group hopped up from the long table and barged their way through the double doors at the back of the town hall.
“Well, I’ll have to remember that as a way to get a meeting to end when it’s gone too long.”
“So do you think Flora’ll do it?”
Nulu put her arm around her friend. “Don’t worry, she’ll come around. After all, it will let her completely boss around Grimbledung. How could she say no to that?”
“Or we could just have a tavern owner run.” Julie put her arm around her friend. “A well respected and successful one at that?”
“Why don’t we make that plan double zee?” Nulu said with a smile. “I am sure we can convince Flora to go along with it. Honestly, anyone we put up will be someone that most townsfolk would vote for over someone who just showed up in town like that Opus dolt.”
“Well, let’s go discuss it over a drink.”
Nulu grinned. “Now you’re talking. I know just the place.” She led her friend out of the town hall and down the street. When they got to the Duck Inn and Dine, they watched Flora singlehandedly toss out a rather large, very inebriated Orc. To the applause of the rest of the establishment.
“Oh yeah; she’ll do just fine.” Nulu said. “She’s a gal after my own heart, that one.”
Chapter 46
The Secret Chamber of the
Lost Picman Mine!
Grimbledung shrieked again.
“Will you keep quiet! There’s other security here you know!” Drimblerod said as he ran into the vault. “You’re going to get us arres…” He stopped because Grimbledung was nowhere in sight. “Grim?”
Grimbledung sprang from a pile of gold. “I can’t keep afloat!” He tried to backstroke on the coins but just sank again. “How does that duck do it?”
“Grim, we need to get out of here,” said Drimblerod. “There is no way those skeletons are the only security down here.”
As if on cue, a bell on the wall rang. The string attached to it tugged furiously.
“Whoever is on the other end of that string isn’t too happy,” said Rat. “You should answer it.”
“And what?”
“I don’t know,” said Rat, “sound official or something. Tell them everything is alright.”
Drimblerod picked up the curved animal horn. “Uhm... Situation normal. Everything is under control,” he said meekly.
“What is going on down there!” demanded an angry voice from a horn mounted on the wall.
“Ahhh... We had a minor… skeletal malfunction,” tried Drimblerod. “But… uhm… everything’s perfectly fine now. We’re all fine down here, just fine, thanks. How are you?” He cringed.
“I’m sending a couple of Ogres down there!”
“No, no. There’s bones everywhere. Slip hazard at the moment. Kind of dangerous. Just give us a minute to lock them all back in place.”
“Who is this? Where’s Hausen?”
“Uhm…” Drimblerod hung the horn back on its hook. “Boring conversation anyway. Grim, we’re gonna have company, so stop messing around!”
Grimbledung sprang from the pile of gold. “That’s no good. We aren’t prepared for company at all.” He pulled a sack from his belt pouch. It should not have been able to fit in it. “Here, fill this up.”
“You were keeping a bag of holding in a loot pouch?” Drimblerod gaped. “That’s really dangerous.”
“Pushaw,” said Grimbledung. “I do it all the time.” He pulled a second bag from the pouch. He let that one fall to the ground. “Here.” He pulled a short handled shovel from the pouch and tossed it to his partner. “Start shoveling gold. I’ll start with the diamonds and rubies.”
“Got it!” Drimblerod caught the shovel then began to shovel gold into the bag. Even though the pile was larger than him, he knew it would all fit in the bag, and easily be light enough for him to carry.
“Rat! See what else there is to loot in here besides this loot that we’re already looting.” Grimbledung began to shovel the diamonds and rubies into his bag.
“Right!” Rat scurried off into the darkness.
“We’ve only got minutes until some security Ogres… or worse show up!” Drimblerod said. He dropped the shovel and straddled the bag. He started using both hands to shove gold into it.
Outside the vault, a loud gong sounded.
“Uh oh. You think that’s for us?” Grimbledung asked. He pointed at the opening with his shovel. “Maybe we should close up yon entrance.”
Drimblerod didn’t’ stop scooping coins. “With what?”
“A door would be nice.” Grimbledung waggled his ears. “Hey, where�
��d we leave that door?”
“Under the skeletons, I think.”
“Rolton Chips. They probably won’t bring it back with them once they put themselves together. Bad form, that.”
“Hey you!” A deep voice called. “Wot you doin’?”
Both Gnomes turned to look.
“They went thataway!” Drimblerod said as he pointed behind the Ogre. “We’re just cleaning up the mess!”
“Yeah, we’re cleaning up alright!” Grimbledung waggled his ears again.
Rat skidded to a stop between the Gnomes. “Pla… pla…”
“Yes, we need a plan, Rat,” said Drimblerod.
“And a door,” offered Grimbledung.
“Do…do… door,” Rat said breathlessly. He pointed into the darkness.
“Perfect! Think it will fit in that space?” Grimbledung gestured at where the vault door used to be with his head. “We’re in the market for a door about that size. Got one of those on your perchance?”
Rat shook his head. “I can’t say that I do. Say, did either of you order a hearty serving of Ogres?”
“No.” The Gnomes said in unison.
“Well someone did.” Rat pointed outside. “A triple serving even.”
“Kind of gluttonous, if you ask me.”
“You two stop!” Shouted an Ogre.
“How can anyone steal with all this racket going on?” Grimbledung hopped to his feet. “I mean, honestly!” He smiled. “Or dishonestly.” He drew his wand and panned it across the opening. “Hmmm.”
“Stop that you!” A second Ogre commanded.
The Ogres were less than thirty feet away and approaching slowly- mainly because at their size, they barely fit on the ledge.
“What repels Ogres?” Grimbledung asked.
“A hefty bar tab?” Rat suggested.
“Ogre Mothers-In-Law.” Tried Grimbledung.
“No idea.” Drimblerod said. He had shifted to the pile of gems and was raking them into Grimbledung’s bag as fast as he could. “Not much, really.”
“That’s not helpful.”
The gong sounded again.
“Oooh! I got it!” Grimbledung did a little hop. He pointed his wand at the top of the doorway.
Minisculate openinggggg-gah!
He intoned as he moved his wand in a circle around the opening.
The doorway puckered in until it was only a foot tall.
“Hey!” Complained the lead Ogre. “Stop that!”
“Problem solved.” Grimbledung took a bow. “Rat, what did you reconnoiter?”
“There’s a door.” Rat pointed at the back of the vault.
“We’re not in the market for a door anymore, Rat. Keep up with current events; I solved that problem just now.” He pointed at the small opening. Then took another bow.
The Ogre was on the ground peering through the opening “Come outta dere!”
Grimbledung stuck out his tongue. “Not likely.”
Drimblerod stood. “Well, we are going to need a way out of here eventually.” He picked up the bag and cinched the leather straps tight. “Actually sooner would be better than eventually,” he said as he tied the bag to his belt.
“Well, we can wait until these oafs get bored and leave. Or their shift ends.”
“Not likely,” the Ogre said. He stuck his arm into the hole. It would only go in to the elbow.
“Hah, hah!” Grimbledung pointed at the Ogre.
The Ogre pulled his arm out. One of his eyes came into view. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah! Get the rest of the gems, Drim. I’ll finish the gold.”
“You asked for it,” said the Ogre. “Call for the Rabid Pixie Brigade.” He said over his shoulder.
“Hey now, let’s not get hasty!” Exclaimed Grimbledung. “How about we split the loot?”
A higher pitched gong sounded.
“Too late,” said the Ogre. “Nice knowin’ ya’ little fellas.”
Grimbledung looked from his partner to the opening - it was now filled with the Ogre’s smile- and back. He waggled his butt. “Oooooh! Drimblerod, I don’t feel so good all of a sudden.”
“No poopin in the vault!” Commanded the Ogre. “That’s jus’ rude.”
“Oh no! Stay calm, Grim! Stay calm!” Drimblerod pulled the cinch on the other bag. “Rat, what did you find besides that door? And where does that door lead?”
“I’m not sure. I could only see the very top of it.” He said matter-of-factly. “The pile of platinum was blocking most of it.”
Grimbledung stopped waggling his butt. “Pile of…. Platinum? Pile?” The hairs that had started pushing out of his ears stopped.
“I’ve never seen more than two coins ever.” Admitted Drimblerod. “And that was at two different times. Several decades apart even.”
“Sorry Mister Ogre, we have to run.” Grimbledung waved. “If you would sit in front of that hole to stop the Pixies, we’d appreciate it.”
“Well sure…” Started the Ogre. “No wait, I’m not gonna do that!”
Grimbledung waggled his ears. “Never hurts to ask.” He grabbed the bag of coins. “Lead the way, Rat!”
“Right! It’s back here around the corner, next to the chests.”
“Oooh, nice! Chests like those things girls keep below their necks?” Grimbledung asked.
“Somehow I don’t think that’s it.” Said Drimblerod. He slung the other bag over his shoulder and followed behind the other two.
Chapter 47
Out of the Vault, Into the Chute
Grimbledung and Drimblerod rounded the corner just behind Rat. The pair stopped, mouths open.
Grimbledung dropped his bag.
So did Drimblerod.
“Pla… pla…” Said Grimbledung.
Drimblerod just nodded- words failed him.
In front of the Gnomes was a three-foot-tall, eight-foot-wide pile of platinum coins. The pile was held in place by stacks of chests.
“Oh, Grim. How I doubted you.” A tear ran down Drimblerod’s cheek. “I am truly sorry.”
“It’s alright.” Grimbledung put his arm around his partner. “I’d have doubted me too if I acted the way I do.”
For a long moment, no one said anything.
Then a gong sounded again.
“We need to get out of here. And take this with us.” Drimblerod gestured at the pile. “You could buy an entire kingdom with this!”
Grimbledung opened a chest. It was filled with wands. He kicked it over, letting the wands spill out. “Outta the way, stinky wands!” He opened another chest- it had what seemed to be moldy clothes in it. “Refill these chests, Drim! With real loot!”
Drimblerod nodded as he began to shovel the pale-grey coins into the empty chest. “Where’re we going to put them?”
“In my loot bag of course!” Grimbledung began to shovel coins into the other chest. “Rat, toss coins in as well. Each platinum is worth a hundred gold!”
For a long moment, the only sound heard was clinking coins.
And occasional snickers of avarice.
“Grimbledung, are you humming?” Rat asked.
“That’s not me; I’m snickering with avarice.”
“Me too,” said Drimblerod. “I figured it was you, Rat.”
Rat shook his head. He looked towards the entrance. “It’s getting louder, I think.”
“Pixies.” Grimbledung said. “Sounds like Pixies. Didn’t that Ogre mention something about Pixies?”
“Rabid ones is what he said.” Said Rat.
“I’ll go hold them off as best I can,” said Drimblerod. “Get these chests filled and in your pouch. And get that door open!” He drew his wand. “You’ve got maybe a couple of minutes, Grim. I’m counting on you.” Drimblerod drew his sword and his wand as he moved around the narrow bend towards the entrance.
“Got it, Drim!” Grimbledung flipped the chest’s lid into place and threw the latch. He moved to the chest Drimblerod had been filling. After a few more scoops to ensur
e it was completely filled, he closed it as well. “Stand back, Rat. I’m going to clear the door,” said Grimbledung. He drew his wand.
“Load the chests first so you don’t…” Began Rat.
Blast it!
Blast it all!
He intoned.
The pile of platinum coins exploded in all directions.
Grimbledung and Rat both shielded their faces as coins flew in all directions.
“You could give a warning or something.” Said Rat. “I’ve only got one good eye as it is!” He looked around the small room. The coins were scattered everywhere and the chests were all askew. The door was almost completely exposed as well. “Which chests are…”
“I’ll get the chest and a couple to spare, Rat.” Grimbledung said. He pointed at the nearest chest.
Minisculate Chestsssss-aaah!
Grimbledung panned across the five chests nearest him.
“I don’t think those…” Rat started. A Pixie dove into the room accompanied by the sounds of angry bells. “Look out, Grimbledung!”
“Grimbledung?” The Pixie tinkled. “Sixtoes?” It smirked. “Esquire even?”
“Grrr!” Said Grimbledung. The hairs on his ears- which had stopped growing earlier, now sprang out.
“Grim, get the chests put away before you change!”
Grimbledung’s eyes swirled to muddy brown as thick fangs protruded from his upper jaw. “GRRRR!”
“Get the treasure put away!” Rat pleaded.
Grimbledung snatched the Pixie from the air.
“Let me go, you stupid, stupid Gnome!” The Pixie said. “I command you to…”
Grimbledung stuffed the Pixie in his mouth and swallowed it whole. Claws pushed out of Grimbledung’s toes.
“Grim! Put the boxes in your pouch!”
Grimbledung looked at Rat. A tendril of drool started on one side of his mouth.
“I’ll never get used to that.” Admitted Rat.
With the last vestiges of awareness, Grimbledung picked up the now-tiny chests and put them in his belt pouch. After getting all five in, he grabbed several handfuls of coins and stuffed them in as well.
Grimbledung and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Mine (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 5) Page 24