Losing You

by Susan Lewis

  ‘You know, Lauren,’ Berry was saying with the sparkle of a tease in her eyes, ‘I’m surprised your mother never told you that there are other ways to go about finding yourself a nice young man.’

  Lauren’s eyes lit up with laughter as she turned them to Oliver. Her cheeks flooded with colour, and the sobbing merriment in her throat was so touching that Emma felt her own tightening with emotion.

  ‘And the same goes for you,’ Berry told Oliver. ‘I don’t know what the two of you were thinking, I’m sure. It was never done that way in my day, oh no.’

  ‘That’s because they only had horses and carts back then,’ Phyllis informed the gathering.

  Emma wasn’t sure whether it was the comment or the look on Berry’s face that made her laugh more.

  ‘Mm-mm nye in shi-shi mer,’ Lauren declared, holding on to Oliver’s hand.

  Clearly realising no one had quite got it, Oliver said, ‘She’s telling you I’m her knight in shining armour, which makes her my damsel in distress.’

  Lauren beamed joyously as she nodded.

  ‘I was going more for Sleeping Beauty myself,’ Emma commented.

  Lauren’s curious laughter, which had greatly improved from the strangled gulps of a few weeks ago, widened everyone’s smile with as much affection as pride. ‘Do-do li my noo wheel-s?’ she asked Berry, pointing to her wheelchair.

  Oliver looked at Berry to see if she needed help, but this time she didn’t.

  ‘They’re divine, darling,’ Berry assured her. ‘If I didn’t think your awful granny would come up with something tart, I’d say I’d love one myself.’

  Phyllis looked mightily tempted, but in the end resisted.

  Squeezing Oliver’s hand, Lauren said, ‘Te-eeell Gr-nee Be-eh-ree mee-meeters.’

  Nodding, he said, ‘She wants me to tell you that she ran the hundred metres yesterday and won.’

  As everyone laughed and Lauren slapped him playfully, he went on, ‘Actually she walked a hundred metres on her crutches, and if any of you have ever tried walking with those things, you won’t be surprised when you start seeing her biceps getting bigger than mine.’

  ‘A hundred metres,’ Berry gushed ecstatically. ‘That’s marvellous, my darling. You didn’t say anything,’ she chided Emma.

  ‘She wanted to tell you herself,’ Emma replied.

  Lauren nodded awkwardly, but happily. ‘Annnd flew,’ she added.

  ‘You flew!’ Berry exclaimed.

  Lauren gave another of her halting laughs. ‘Flew-t,’ she said.

  Berry’s eyes rounded. ‘Are you saying flute?’

  Lauren nodded.

  ‘Have you played it?’

  Lauren looked at Oliver. ‘Yooo ooo.’

  ‘Yes, she’s played it,’ he answered proudly, ‘and she was brilliant.’

  Lauren gasped. ‘No-ot tr-trooo,’ she protested. ‘Pr-pr-pr-tiss.’

  ‘Practice,’ he explained for Berry.

  Emma wondered if he was going to tell them how he’d managed to catch the flute as Lauren had hurled it at the wall in frustration, but it didn’t seem so, and she wasn’t going to mention how bitterly Lauren had cried after Oliver had gone, when she and Emma were alone.

  ‘But it’s marvellous that you’ve picked it up again,’ Berry was declaring, glancing at Emma. ‘She’s doing so well.’

  Emma wasn’t going to deny it, but she did say, because she could see that Lauren was keen for some truth to out, ‘She’s still having a little difficulty holding it properly, but she’s definitely getting there, and she’s made fantastic progress with the guitar.’ She didn’t add that the doctor felt doubtful that she’d ever play to the standard she’d achieved before, there was no need, and anyway, doctors could always be wrong.

  ‘Ho-ow Ad-Ad-olfo?’ Lauren asked Berry.

  Berry looked delighted. ‘He’ll be thrilled when I tell him you asked.’

  ‘F-f-crse.’

  Berry glanced uneasily at Oliver.

  ‘Of course,’ he translated.

  Berry threw out her hands. ‘Of course,’ she repeated in a way that made the others laugh. ‘Silly me. He’s not doing too badly at all, thank you, my darling. He can get around fairly well now, but the beastly stroke’s robbed him of his confidence, so he’s not quite the dashing blade we used to know. Honestly, old age! I don’t think I’ll bother with it myself. Much better to be young and gorgeous like us,’ she insisted with a wink at Lauren.

  Phyllis’s snort of laughter set everyone off again, and as the light-hearted banter continued Emma noticed Oliver glancing worriedly at the time, clearly wondering what was keeping his father. Realising he probably didn’t want to break up the party to go and find out, Emma was about to pop out to call him herself when, to her relief, he appeared in the doorway. He looked a little dishevelled and his frown was very tense, but as soon as he realised he was in the right place whatever was bothering him seemed to melt away.

  ‘Sorry I’m late,’ he said, going straight to Lauren to shake her hand. ‘I’m Russ, Oliver’s father, and it’s a very great pleasure to meet you.’

  As she put her much smaller hand in his Lauren couldn’t have appeared more thrilled. ‘Annnd yooo-oo,’ she said. ‘Golllden annngels.’

  He grimaced. ‘More my mother than me,’ he told her.

  ‘Yoou llook li-ike Oll – ver.’

  His expression filled with irony as he said, ‘Really? I thought I was better-looking than that.’

  Lauren’s eyes shone with laughter.

  ‘His jokes were never any good,’ Oliver informed her.

  ‘No-oor yours,’ she informed him.

  Russ gave a cry of mirth. ‘So I believe Happy Birthday is in order?’

  Lauren nodded. ‘Ni-ine – teeeen.’

  ‘Then may I say you are the most beautiful nineteen-year-old I’ve ever seen.’

  Oliver groaned at his corny line as Lauren beamed happily, and turned to her mother with a wave of her hand.

  Understanding her instruction, Emma dutifully made the introductions, while Lauren and Oliver, with their fingers linked, watched Russ greeting everyone and managing, Emma had no doubt of it, to win her mother and Berry over as much with his past fame as with how polite and charming he was.

  ‘OK, it’s my turn with the birthday gift,’ Oliver declared, turning eagerly to Emma.

  Quickly opening her bag, Emma passed over the carefully wrapped box and watched with the others as Oliver handed it to Lauren. ‘Happy birthday,’ he said softly.

  Putting her fingers to her lips, Lauren then touched them to his. This was often how she said thank you, though only to him. With everyone else, she generally touched their cheeks.

  No one spoke, or took their eyes from Lauren’s fingers as she fumbled with the ribbon which, Emma realised, had been tied in such a way that it would come off at a single tug. And the box wasn’t taped together, so Lauren was easily able to remove the lid.

  Oliver’s cheeks were turning crimson as he watched her, and as Emma caught Russ’s eye she felt sure he was thinking the same thing, that perhaps Oliver was regretting doing this in public. It should have been a special moment for him and Lauren to share on their own.

  ‘Oh – oh, Mmm-um look!’ Lauren gasped, holding up a delicate gold chain with the single letter ‘L’ dangling from it. Her eyes went back to Oliver, and as she pressed her fingers hard to her lips, then to his, Emma heard Melissa give a little sob.

  ‘Isss beaut-ifullll,’ Lauren whispered. ‘I lo-ove soooo much.’

  Oliver’s eyes were full of emotion as, regardless of the audience, he leaned forward to brush her lips with a real kiss.

  ‘Pu-ut on,’ Lauren insisted.

  Oliver took the chain.

  ‘Actually, before you do that,’ Russ interrupted, ‘I have a little something for you too that you might want now,’ and reaching into his pocket he drew out a tiny red box.

  When Lauren opened it she gave a gasp of tearful delight. It was the letter ‘O’ i
n gold, ready to be slipped on to the chain beside the ‘L’.

  Oliver looked at his father in amazement.

  ‘Oh my, oh my,’ Berry murmured, taking out a hanky to dry her eyes.

  ‘Do you have another?’ Phyllis asked.

  ‘And for me?’ Polly added.

  Passing Lauren’s box of Kleenex, Emma watched Oliver adding the letter to the chain, then going behind Lauren to fasten it around her neck. Melissa quickly came forward with the dressing-table mirror so Lauren could take a look.

  As she touched the letters Lauren looked up at Russ, saying, ‘Oll-ver’s nishls.’

  Oliver’s initials.

  Russ smiled. ‘Indeed, but I was thinking of them more as Lauren and Oliver.’

  Lauren turned back to Oliver. ‘Thisss bessst birth-day ever,’ she told him as he took her hand.

  Thinking of all the jubilant and reckless celebrations she’d had in her short life, particularly in recent years, Emma could only love her the more for being able to take what she had now and make it so special.

  ‘Sho-ow yr dad oth-errr presents,’ Lauren instructed Oliver.

  Deciding now would be a good time to make a discreet disappearance for a few minutes, Emma took her phone outside and quickly dialled Mrs Dempster.

  ‘Hi, it’s me, Emma,’ she said when the old lady answered. ‘How’s everything going? Any sign of them yet?’

  ‘Oh yes, they’ve been and gone,’ Mrs Dempster told her with great satisfaction. ‘They were very quick, no trouble at all. How’s the birthday coming along?’

  ‘Fantastically well,’ Emma smiled. ‘I’m just sorry you couldn’t be here.’

  ‘Yes, but it was more important for me to be here today. Have you told Lauren about it yet?’

  ‘No, but I will.’

  ‘I thought this would have been her best present of all.’

  Thinking of the necklace that Oliver – and Russ – had given her, Emma said, ‘It will be, tomorrow. I’m going to wait until then, I think. Now, I’m afraid I have to go. Mum and I will pop over to see you when we come home.’

  After ringing off she quickly checked her emails, replied to those who couldn’t wait, then spoke to Hamish Gallagher’s assistant who was gamely doubling up as hers now that the festival was only six weeks away. She truly didn’t have a minute to call her own these days, but nothing in the world would have kept her from Lauren’s little party today. Luckily, Hamish was very understanding about her family commitments, as he called them, and even weighed in himself to help out if needed, as he was most of the time now. Should everything go to plan over the next two weeks he might just find himself taking over altogether, she thought, while knowing she could never leave him in the lurch like that. She’d simply have to find a way of splitting herself in two.

  After making a final call to a caricaturist who’d submitted a late application, she was about to head back inside when she heard someone calling her name. Fearing she already knew who it was, she turned around and felt her heart sink like a stone to see Will jogging along the road towards her.

  ‘Emma, what a relief to see you,’ he declared. ‘I’ve been wandering about all over the place without a clue where to go.’

  ‘Well, you wouldn’t have, would you?’ she retorted sourly.

  His face instantly tightened. ‘It’s her birthday,’ he snapped, ‘so do we have to do this?’

  Wanting to slap him off his ludicrous attempt at the moral high ground, she said, ‘You’ve got a bloody nerve. Anyone would think ...’ She grabbed his arm as he made to move past her. ‘Oh no,’ she told him fiercely, ‘you can’t just come barging in here like you’ve been a model father for the last three months.’

  ‘Let go of me.’

  Keeping her hand right where it was, she said, ‘You’ve got some big-time explaining to do ...’

  ‘I don’t have to explain anything to you.’

  ‘Not to me, to her, and as you so rightly point out, today is her birthday, and guess what? I am not going to allow you to spoil it. She’s surrounded by people who really care for her, people who’ve ...’

  ‘Hah!’ he laughed scathingly. ‘How did I know you were going to throw that at me? Like I don’t care for her. Well, you know damned well it’s not true ...’

  ‘All I know is that you haven’t even bothered to find out how she is since she came out of the coma. Your own daughter, Will, and it was too much of an effort simply to pick up a phone or send a text. How could you treat her that way? Just what kind of man are you?’

  Though there was anger in his eyes, she could see his unease as his head went down. ‘Actually, I don’t know,’ he answered hoarsely.

  She blinked in astonishment.

  ‘The truth is, I hate myself for what I’ve done,’ he went on lamely, ‘but I don’t know ... I didn’t think ... I’ve wanted to ask about her, I swear it, but I’ve been too afraid ... I didn’t want to hear she was paralysed or mentally ... retarded or ...’

  Emma’s contempt felt lethal. ‘And it would make a difference if she was?’ She didn’t bother to wait for an answer. ‘If you want to see her, Will, then you’d better start facing the fact now that a lot of things have changed around here. She’s not who she used to be, at least not yet, and the chances are she never will be. Her brain was badly injured ...’

  ‘I know that ...’

  ‘Then accept it, because it’s not going away, ever. It’s made her who she is now and let me tell you, in my book, she’s even more special than before because of how hard she’s trying and how much courage she has. So much more than you, you spineless bastard. She puts you to shame ...’

  ‘Listen, I’m prepared to admit I haven’t handled things well, but I’m here now. I want to make up for it, to show her that ... that I really do love her.’

  ‘And how do you propose to do that?’

  Though he took a breath to fire back a reply, he ended up shaking his head helplessly. ‘If you can tell me ... Maybe she can tell me? Is she able to talk? Will she know who I am?’

  ‘Oh for God’s sake, of course she’ll know who you are, and the answer to your other question is no, she can’t speak the way she used to. She can’t play a musical instrument either, or walk without crutches. All that might change, because she’s improving all the time, but you need to start understanding right now that she will never be the great musician you wanted her to be, or the fastest runner on the track, or the best orator in the room. But she’s still Lauren. Nothing has damaged her heart, it can still be every bit as hurt as yours or mine, and I’m telling you this now, if you do anything to hurt her, one word, one look, one gesture, I swear I’ll kill you.’

  His smile was rueful and didn’t reach his eyes. ‘A mother protecting her young,’ he muttered.

  ‘You’d better believe it. Now there’s something else you need to know. She’s having a little party at the moment before the much bigger one that the staff and other patients are throwing for her later. Berry’s in her room with her, and Mum, Polly and Melissa – and Oliver Lomax and his father.’

  He frowned, then, connecting with the name, he gaped at her incredulously. ‘I didn’t hear that right, did I?’ he demanded.

  She only looked at him, challengingly.

  His upper lip curled. ‘That little scumbag is in there with my daughter?’ he raged. ‘Have you completely lost your mind?’

  Grabbing him as he made to storm off again, she spun him round and said in a voice sharp enough to cut out his insides, ‘Before you go any further, let me ask you this: where the hell have you been during her recovery?’

  His face stayed rigid with anger.

  ‘Nowhere, that’s where you’ve been,’ she seethed. ‘Absolutely bloody nowhere. Now let me tell you where Oliver Lomax has been, and that’s right here, at her side every single day of the week, throughout every single new exercise she’s given, every new challenge she has to rise to, every little setback she has to overcome. He’s never let her down, not once, and nor
will he. He gives her strength, he makes her believe in herself, he does things for her that neither you nor I will ever be able to do. Are you hearing what I’m saying? They have something very special between them, Will, and if you can’t handle that then you’d better turn around right now and walk away.’

  He shook his head, as though he in some way pitied her. ‘What the hell am I supposed to say to that?’ he cried. ‘We’re talking about the kid who ran her over, right?’

  ‘Indeed.’

  ‘The kid who was drunk while he was driving and has now somehow managed to walk away from it all.’

  ‘But he hasn’t walked away from her.’

  ‘This isn’t making any sense, Emma.’

  ‘Maybe not to you, but it makes plenty to me, and it does to her too. She knows he was the driver, she also knows how much he cares for her. That’s what matters to her now, not what happened before. He’s put the light back in her eyes, Will, he gives her the kind of determination that she might not be able to muster on her own. So if you can’t put your own ego and prejudices aside, then the only kind thing you can do for her now is leave her alone.’

  He took a deep breath and held on to it for an excruciatingly long time, looking as bewildered as she’d ever seen him, but she had no pity to spare. The only reason she was even standing here talking to him was because she knew that if Lauren had any idea he was out here she would want to see him – but not if he couldn’t accept Oliver.

  At last he said, ‘I know I’ve screwed up badly ...’

  She didn’t argue, because he had.

  ‘I don’t know what to do,’ he said angrily. ‘It’s too hard to accept that boy being in her life when he’s the one who’s ruined it.’

  ‘But her life isn’t ruined, it’s just different.’

  His eyes were barely comprehending. ‘And this is what you want for her, to be a shadow of her former self, with a boy ...’

  ‘She’s not a shadow, she’s my daughter, the same daughter as I’ve always had. She’s just not doing things in quite the same way as she used to.’