Alicia

by Laura Matthews

  Lady Mary was not aware that her son had fought a duel. She would have been terrified. But she had come to meet her brother’s fiancée and she was well pleased with Alicia. Mary did not miss the significance of the relationship between Rowland and Felicia, and she made a special effort to become acquainted with the young woman. It puzzled her that Felicia was on such easy terms with Rowland and yet held a reserve about him as well. Their banter was playful and serious by turn, and Mary found them each gazing fondly at the other when they thought they would not be observed. But there was a formality in their actions, almost a quality of pantomime, when Rowland handed Felicia up on her horse or Felicia handed him a book.

  “It is almost as though they were afraid to touch each other,” Mary mused to Stronbert one day. “I had not thought our society so prudish.”

  “You are by far too observant,” Stronbert remarked dryly.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing much. They will have to work it out on their own, Mary.”

  She regarded him suspiciously but said nothing further. It was her own opinion that they would need some talking to, but she had no intention of speaking with either of them. Let the girl’s mother speak with her, and Mr. Clinton with Rowland. She would reserve her motherly advice for her daughter when the time came.

  Lady Gorham arrived with Cassandra the same day Stephen Newton arrived with his family. All of the guests were staying at the Court, which could easily handle them, though the numbers for tea became so great that the younger people escaped the daily duty unremonstrated. Alicia found it necessary to spend whole days at the Court to assist with the guests and plans for the wedding. She began to look rather peaked as the wedding day approached.

  Stronbert had suggested that they honeymoon at his estate near Ambleside and Alicia had agreed. It would require perhaps fifteen hours of driving and Stronbert had arranged that they spend the first night at the Griffin in Leeds. The remainder of their journey could be made the following day, or they could travel more slowly as they chose. Stronbert began to seriously doubt that Alicia would be up to making the journey in two days and sent a messenger to bespeak a room at the Royal in Kirkby Lonsdale.

  “You are trying to do too much, my dear,” he cautioned Alicia two days before the wedding. “Let my mother and Miss Carnworth handle more. Mr. Allerton seems to be managing very well with the shop. Your sister-in-law and my sister are anxious to help here, too. I cannot like to see you look so pale.”

  “I am frightened,” Alicia whispered.

  “Of me? Alicia, I would not have it so for the world. If you wish to cry off, you must not hesitate. It would be embarrassing for only a little while; life with me would be permanent.” The pain in his eyes was evident even as he offered her a chance to draw back.

  She raised a hand to touch his cheek. “Oh, no, never think I do not wish to marry you, Nigel. But I keep thinking of the inn, that first night. It will be so strange with no one about that I know but you.”

  He was beginning to understand her anxieties. “Should you like to take Mavis with you?”

  “Yes, if I may.” Alicia sounded discouraged.

  “Alicia, look at me. I will not bed you that night or any night until you are ready. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes,” she said in a choked voice. “But what if I am never ready?”

  “Is that what you are afraid of?”

  “I don’t know,” she whispered.

  Stronbert put his arms about her and held her to him, undemanding. He made no attempt to kiss her, just held her until his strength seemed to invade her. “I have promised you I will be patient.”

  “Yes,” she mumbled against his coat, “but I am afraid that if I make you wait too long you will go elsewhere.”

  “I see. Well, that is not like to happen, my love. I do not want to say I will wait for a month, or for a year, or for five years, because then you would feel it necessary to make some effort, possibly against your better judgment, before the time was out. I don’t want you to make an effort, Alicia. When you are ready to give yourself to me, you will know. I should never have taunted you with such a bogey. I did it only to make you angry,” he admitted.

  She regarded him in confusion. “Why did you wish to make me angry?”

  “Because I knew your pride would not allow such a situation, especially after Sir Frederick. But I thought it was the only way I could convince you to consider marrying again. When I first had the idea I thought to discard it. I should have.”

  “No,” she replied thoughtfully, “you were right. It rankled all day when I thought of it. For the first time I considered the possibility of being your wife, truly. But now I am frightened again, with the wedding so close.”

  “We can postpone it, my love. You may have all the time you wish.”

  Alicia shook her head. “No, that would be pointless. I feel better now. But not at the inn...”

  Stronbert laughed. “Even the best of inns are not conducive to privacy. Rest easy, my dear, I have ordered separate rooms for us.”

  Alicia relaxed somewhat after their discussion and was able to enjoy the ball the night before their wedding. Her brother, who had been concerned for her, felt relieved. Lady Gorham nodded her beturbaned head when Stronbert led Alicia out for the first dance. The dowager sighed, and Stronbert’s children watched from the gallery with whimsical smiles.

  In the morning, though, Alicia felt nervous and found the sanctuary of her room did not preserve her from the well-meaning attentions of the dowager and Lady Gorham. Even Felicia did not calm her as she usually would. There was a light tap at the door after these visitations and Alicia wearily bade the caller to enter. Helen thrust her head around the door and said, “I have seen them all come and go. Do you wish to be alone for a while?”

  “No, no, come in, dear,” Alicia urged, holding fast to her quickly disappearing equanimity.

  Helen giggled. “That was not what I meant. Shall I take you to the tower?”

  Alicia’s eyes sparkled with a conspiratorial glow. “I would like it of all things. Can we get there unnoticed?”

  Helen nodded and led her through a bewildering maze of corridors to what looked like a heavily barred door. This was mere trimming, for the girl lifted a small latch and pushed it open. “That just puts off the adults,” she said breezily. They climbed a circular stone stair until they reached a small room where there were cushions on the floor and one could look through the windows to the countryside about.

  “How lovely!” Alicia exclaimed.

  “I am glad you like it. Can you find your way back?”

  “I think so. Do you not wish to stay?”

  “You need to be alone for a moment. If Papa looks for you, I will tell him where you are, but no one else. And I will not tell him unless it is urgent,” she declared stoutly.

  “You are very wise, Helen. Thank you.” Alicia smiled as the girl disappeared down the stairs. She sat in the tower for an hour, concentrating on the scenery. It was peaceful to see if she could follow the lanes with her eyes, and to wonder where they went. When her composure was restored, she returned, though not without losing her way several times, to her room.

  Mavis smiled and began to dress her in her wedding gown. When Felicia came to help, her mother was in better spirits and they discussed the amount of time Alicia would be away when her daughter would be parted from her. They had never been apart before, but both seemed perfectly happy with the novel experience.

  The wedding was brief but impressive. Alicia did not falter in her responses, but kept her eyes on Stronbert’s, which were reassuring and loving. The wedding feast seemed to last for ages, but finally Alicia escaped to change to her traveling clothes. She had a chance to speak with each of those who were special to her before being bundled, almost impatiently, into the traveling chaise by her daughter and Lady Gorham, who exclaimed, “Be off. Half the fun is discussing the wedding once you are gone.”

  Alicia laughed
and waved as they drove off. When she returned her gaze to her husband, she found him regarding her questioningly. “What is it, Nigel?”

  “Where did you get to this morning? Helen said she knew, but she would not tell me.”

  “Ah, then it must not have been urgent,” Alicia retorted. “She promised she would tell only you, and then only if it was urgent.”

  “Were you pestered to death?”

  “I just needed a few moments to myself. Helen took me to the room in the tower.”

  “She is a thoughtful child, and she is fond of you.” Stronbert extended a hand to her and Alicia took it. They sat thus through the drive to Leeds, sometimes speaking and frequently enjoying a companionable silence. Mavis had left earlier with the other servants and luggage and was there to meet Alicia when she was shown to her room.

  Stronbert ordered supper in his room and Alicia joined him there. “We make an early start in the morning, so it is off to bed with you,” he ordered when they had finished. “We can decide during the day whether to stay at Kirkby Lonsdale or proceed to the estate.” He walked with her to her room and opened the door for her. “Sleep well, my love.”

  Alicia lifted her lips for his kiss, but he merely brushed her forehead with his and pressed her hands. She felt slightly disappointed but smiled at him and closed the door softly. The day had been too exhausting for her to spend much time thinking. Soon after her head met the pillow she was asleep.

  Mavis woke her in the morning. “Milord says you are to breakfast in the parlor, ma’am, if you will. There be a nice fire burning there and his lordship, not wishing to delay for a private parlor.”

  Alicia joined Stronbert in the cheerful wainscoted dining parlor which was already bustling with trade; the house was a coaching inn. The passengers were being called to take their places and Alicia watched through the window as the cloths were whipped off the horses and they clattered out of the courtyard. Those who remained were discussing the hunt they were headed for while they put away enormous quantities of buttered toast and muffins, kidneys and poached eggs, steak and rashers. Alicia smiled shyly at Stronbert and denied any desire for the pigeon pie, ham, or cold boiled beef displayed in the glazed cupboard with cheeses and pastries. “Just coffee and a muffin, please.”

  “Did you sleep well?” Stronbert asked as he beckoned the waiter.

  “Yes. And you?” Alicia felt herself blush at the insignificant question.

  “Admirably,” he responded with a grin.

  Stronbert produced a traveling chess set during the morning’s drive (Matthew insisted that you would be eager for a game) and they decided after luncheon that they would spend the night in Kirkby Lonsdale after all. It was still light when they reached the Royal, and Stronbert suggested a ride before their meal. Alicia had been given Muse as a wedding present by her husband, and both their horses had been brought with them. The ride along the river was exhilarating after the hours cooped up in the carriage. Alicia returned to the inn pink-cheeked, her eyes sparkling. Again there was supper in Stronbert’s room, but this time he did not send her off to bed immediately.

  He was lounging in a chair near the window and Alicia nervously paced about the room, glancing at him from time to time. His eyes were nearly closed, and she thought he was paying no attention to her.

  “Are you tired, Nigel?” she asked with some aspersion.

  “No.” He did not open his eyes.

  Hesitantly she approached him and stood before him, her eyes on his face. Without opening his eyes he beckoned her to sit on his lap. When she hesitated he spoke slowly. “You have my promise, Alicia.”

  She flushed and nestled onto his lap, where his arms slipped about her gently, and nothing further happened. “I had thought,” she whispered, “that you might wish to kiss me.”

  “I do.” His eyes were still closed, and he made no move to do so.

  Exasperated, Alicia slid her arms about his neck and kissed him. There was nothing wrong with his response. His arms tightened about her and his lips met hers eagerly. His hands held her sides, ran under her arms and near her breasts, but they made no move to touch her further. Alicia withdrew from his kiss, breathing quickly, and snuggled her head on his shoulder, her face against his neck. She was attempting to recover her calm, but the hands at her sides began a sensuous stroking, never touching her breasts but nearly so. Even through the layers of the riding habit she felt his touch quicken her pulses again until she ached for him to touch her. His hands fell still after a few minutes. She looked at him questioningly but his eyes—drat the fellow!—were still closed.

  Alicia shifted slightly in his lap in the hopes that he would open them. He did not. She nestled closer to him and his hands began their sensuous stroking again at her sides. When her longing for him to touch her reached an unbearable point, she murmured incoherently, but the hands remained where they were. She eyed him suspiciously, but his face was unreadable, his eyes closed. Frightened by her boldness and her desire she took each of his hands in one of hers and moved them timidly to her breasts. There they gently continued to stroke her until the mounting excitement in her body found release and she gasped with astonishment and pleasure. He held her to him for a while, then finally opened his eyes and rose to set her on her feet. “It is time you were in bed, my love,” he said gently and led her to her room, where he again kissed her forehead and turned away as she entered. He did not hear her shaken whisper of, “Thank you, Nigel.”

  * * * *

  They reached the estate in early afternoon the next day. There was a small manor house of aging stone with a gabled porch that rested on a small plot entirely surrounded by trees. They spent the afternoon exploring the house and the neighborhood. After their evening meal Alicia tried her hand at the aged spinet in the drawing room. She felt awkward about ascending to bed that night and attempted to draw out the evening with playing and singing. Eventually Stronbert closed her music and held out his hand to her. She took it nervously and followed him to the bedrooms. She had been given one which connected with his. At her door he said, “Have Mavis get you ready for bed. I shall join you shortly.” She nodded mutely and did as she was bid. When she lay in the bed, a candle still burning on the table beside her, she heard a light tap on the door and bade him, in a quaking voice, to enter.

  He smiled at her reassuringly as she watched his progress across the room. Her attempt to return the smile was ludicrously pathetic, but he made no notice. She watched horrified as he took off his dressing gown and laid it over a chair. He was wearing a nightshirt. As he pulled back the cover to join her in bed she mumbled, “Nigel, I…”

  “Hush. Do not make me repeat myself, Alicia,” he said patiently. “I have promised that I will not rush you, nor will I. Tonight is no different than last night. You must learn to trust me, love. I can see no possibility of your overcoming your fears if we have no contact whatsoever, if you stay in one room and I in another. Just lie by me and relax.” He patted the bed beside him, since she had shrunk unconsciously to the other side as he entered.

  Alicia wiggled over until she barely touched him and lay rigid. She took the opportunity to study the ceiling of her bedroom. Stronbert smiled at her unobserving face and blew out the candle. He talked to her for a while of the estate and the people he had met in the neighborhood; he did not come there often, for he had a good man to run the place. She asked a question now and then, her voice tense and high pitched, much as she tried to control it. When there had been silence for some time, he leaned over and kissed her lips. “Good night, Alicia. Sleep well.”

  She lay by him then in the dark feeling foolish and afraid. He turned his back and pressed lightly against her side. When he made no further move, she rolled onto her side away from him, but touching him lightly. He fell asleep, she could tell, and she became inexplicably angry. It was all very well for him to be patient, she thought, but he need not be such a saint about it. He might have held me for a minute, like last night. No, perhaps in bed that woul
d not have been wise. She became aware of the light nightdress she wore, and the nightshirt which covered his naked body. She blushed in the dark and concentrated on falling asleep.

  For a long time she stared at the tall wardrobe which now contained her clothes. Then she pleated the sheets with her fingers and thumped her pillow into obedience.

  She changed her position again so that she was lying on her back. Restless that way, she turned on her other side, toward her husband, and eased herself against him. She listened carefully for any change in his breathing, but could detect none. Comfortable at last, she fell asleep against him.

  Sometime during the night Alicia became aware of a subtle change in her body. The contact with her husband had warmed and comforted her, but it had done more. She realized that her nightdress had ridden up, as had his nightshirt, and that her bare skin was in contact with his from the waist down. For a moment she lay very still listening to his breathing; he appeared to be asleep. She laid a hand tentatively on his hip, felt the warm skin beneath her fingers. At the same time she became conscious of her breasts against his back through the two layers of material. She longed for his touch on them, and pressed herself tighter against him. The hand on his hip was firmly enclosed by one of his and she gave a gasp of fright.

  Alicia lay rigid for a few moments, but gradually relaxed as his hand merely stroked hers. He brought it to his lips and kissed it, a finger at a time, his thumb continuing to stroke the palm. Gradually he shifted onto his back so that he could look at her. Alicia’s eyes were wide and regarded him gravely. He lifted himself onto an elbow and bent to kiss her. At first she made no response and he started to lie back, but she brought his head to her again and kissed him eagerly. His hands returned to the spot under her arms, near her breasts, and he began the sensuous stroking. Her murmur again had no effect on the placement of his hands and she once again moved them to her breasts.