Redemption: A Custos Novel

by Emjay Soren

  I rolled from the bed and felt the world tilt and sway.

  Still drunk?

  Yep.

  Opening the door I didn’t meet her eyes, just turned and climbed back in bed. “Bloody hell Cookie, it's one in the afternoon. That’s two a.m. to humans. What is it?” I may be annoyed, but I would always open the door for my Cookie.

  “I cannot take this anymore, Preacher. You and Cash never fight, and for the last few months you're at each other's throats. I don’t like it, Preacher.” The events from that morning before sunrise replayed in high def. My killing instinct going into overdrive after leaving the bar. Showing mercy, and in doing so, learning that none would be shown to me and mine. I had fed off the entire bag supply we had in the house, and still my body was broken and in pain.

  “Just a lil’ tiff Cookie, nothing to be alarmed by.” Truth was, I had never been violent to those I cared for, but Cash had the happy ending, and he reminded me of it all too often. There is only so much happiness I can muster for the two of them before I get a little sick.

  She gave an effortless grunt before rolling her eyes. “Well these little tiffs are more and more common as the months go by.” Her finger pointing at my chest, her voice rose. “It seems to me that before you succeed in alienating everyone you're close with, that you should find her and give it a shot.”

  I finally saw what she was saying. “You think Cash bloodied my arse like this?” I laugh and it hurts. “No Cookie, even at our worst we would never harm one another to this degree.”

  “Well, good. I still think that the fix to this insane new you, is calling Tavern and making amends.”

  She was right. She didn’t know I would agree, but she was right. I was angry as hell, but only at myself. I hated that I missed Tavern. I hated that she replaced the thoughts of Emme, hated that I wanted her here, that I couldn’t have her no matter how easily she took all the pain away. Falling to Tavern would get her and everyone else killed. It wouldn’t take away the loss inside, it would only amplify it.

  “That’s easier said than done Cookie.” I all but whispered, and like each time before when I allowed myself to think of Tavern, that guilt rolled in like a hurricane, hell bent on ruining everything. How could I even think of replacing Emme? How could I not acknowledge the danger that I brought to the table. She had been through enough, she didn’t need my old enemies charging her.

  “Preacher…” Cookie sighed, not an easy thing for Cookie, to be gentle and comforting, but she trusted me and Cash to see this side of her, knowing we would love her no matter what. “I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to remember the things you see at night. I can’t imagine how it feels to be torn between the living and the truly dead, but she is truly dead Preacher.”

  She didn’t need to say who, I knew. Emigen was dead and had been for almost a century. That is where faith gets tricky. See, I knew for certain in my heart, my unbeating heart, that Mary and Peter were with the Great Father. Emme… most likely, but I didn’t know if she was happy. I knew Mary and Peter were. Taking a chance and hoping for a small reaction I spoke. “And do what? I can’t seek the girl out that I have no promises to ever offer, to give freely. I have taken many oaths in my years Cookie, and I have

  nothin’ left inside to offer. If they come for me and she is near, I get her killed too. I can’t forget the dead, and then let the living die for my sake as well.”

  “Preacher!” She whined and stomped her foot. As if it had helped her in the past? “If you could say goodbye to your Emme, and feel a true peace with it, would you?”

  The question itself, stumped me more than why on earth she would ask me such a thing. “What’ya mean, Cookie?”

  “If I could find a way…” She stopped and dropped her voice, stepping tentatively into my room. Something she never cared to do before. Cookie was more of a barge in and demand type a gal. “A way to help you say goodbye…for good?” She looked away as if ashamed of her words. It was a first. “Would you?”

  “Cookie, spit it out.” My words were clipped, and though I adored her, she was very close to a very, very deep line nobody dared cross.

  She fell to her knees at the end of my bed, a pleading look staining her tear ridden eyes. “Please, Preacher. Please let me show you my way?”

  “Cookie, I helped kill the only family you had. What would make you assume you could possibly know how to make all.....this," I smacked my hand to my heart, "go away?”

  “You told me once that it wasn’t hate my father felt for me, but that he simply felt nothing for me in general. Well, to answer your rude ass question Preacher, I didn’t feel that way about him.” The pitch of anger in her voice smoothed when she brushed a tear from her cheeks. “I loved Walter, twisted I know, but I did. I don’t feel anything but relief knowing he's gone, but I feel that because I made peace with the demons he left me with.”

  The silence that followed was not uncomfortable, it was thoughtful. As if this tiny firecracker who was as loved by me as my daughter, knew how deep my darkness went. “How?”

  A simple question that held the weight of damn near a hundred years worth of sorrow.

  “Come with us.” Cash said from the doorway. In the light behind him I could make out two other figures as Bastian and Leushus.

  I said nothing, but nodded. I had tried many things. A desperate man knows not to tempt himself with hope, but I stood slowly and went without hesitation anyway. Perhaps it really was time.

  *

  It had been decades since I last set foot in the crypt behind my New Mexico home. I purchased the land just after I was reborn, when a need for the sun left me longing for heat. I couldn’t leave New York without them. I made the arrangements through a friend of a friend and arranged for them to be with me always, though I rarely accept, with more than my own knowledge, that they were there the whole time. The grounds had been kept up, Cash’s influence I'm sure, but the three small plaques that lined the single stone building inside were dust ridden and covered in cob webs. They were not forgotten by any means, but I had never been strong enough to face the reality of the place where they now rest, together.

  Cash, Cookie, Leushus, and Bastian stood with me now, as I faced the musty doorway to where everything I loved lay sleeping for all time. It was silent, and the peace I should have been feeling was nowhere in sight. Cookie’s hand on my shoulder startled me. “It’s okay to be frightened, Preacher.”

  Her words were meant to soothe I was sure, but they left me feeling helpless instead. “Come with me?” I asked, my words meant only for her. The men with us acted as if my voice was nothing more than the breeze, and stayed behind as Cookie took my hand.

  The creek of the door was as loud as a battlefield in the dry desert night. Her hand in mine, we stood there. I was terrified to speak. Cookie, once again had my back. “I’ll be here if you need me Preacher, but you need this time for yourself.”

  Her hand slipped from mine and I gasped as if in pain.......I was in pain. “I’m not leaving, I’m only stepping back by the door.” Her voice was soft, a tone I never knew she was capable of. She was loud and proud and demanded the attention of any room she saw fit to be a part of. But tonight she was soft, and gentle, and kind.

  She was my dearest friend, and in her strength I found my own.

  I cleared my voice. Once. And then again, before I could feel the words rush out. “My loves…”

  I felt like a fool talking to a wall but I closed my eyes and shucked my Mariners cap and stuffed it in my back pocket. My hair was longer than Emme would have liked, so I told her why I grew it out. It was there that everything inside of me rushed to be released.

  “I grew my hair out because I couldn’t stand the sight of myself the instant you left… I guess you didn’t leave now did’ya love? You were taken from me… all of you. Mary and Peter, I miss you, your smiles and laughter, even your fits Mary. Some days I can’t get from my own bed for the depth of loss I feel at not hearing a tantrum from you. N
ever thought I would long to hear you scream for a cone of cream or a doll in the store front window. God knows, I’d give it all to hear just that again.

  Peter I still carry your pocket watch, the one your grandfather gave me when I married your mum. I in turn gave it to you at your first alter service. I look at it daily. I’d like to have seen you get beyond that awkward stage that left you shy and temperamental. I wish a lot of things, but mostly that I had been there that night. Perhaps it would have changed nothing other than bringing my true death as well.

  “Our religion begs us not to believe I exist, but as I stand here tonight so many decades later, I know not if you can hear me. I am what, as a father and a dad, taught me to not believe. I am that thing, that same species that took you from me. I can only vow to continue to fight, to change it if I can.”

  I don’t know how long I stood in the silence, trying to broach an long overdue goodbye to my beloved wife, not sure if I was capable of such a task. The only sound in the crypt was that of my shoes as I shifted from one foot to the other, my feet scraping along the stone floor, and silent sniffling sobs from Cookie still standing at the door.

  “I miss you.” I finally whispered into the vacant night. I didn’t address Emme as I did my children. My love for her plunged into every depth my soul had to offer. “Had I known that I would never touch you again, I would have held you tighter and not left. If I knew that your lips would be cold when I kissed them again, I’d have kissed you forever.” I fell to my knees as a sob broke free from my chest. “I’d have died that night beside you, defending you to my very best ability, died trying at least. I’d have not been at the church begging for forgiveness that never came. I only beg now for redemption Emme. It’s all that drives me. I have lost that faith, that belief that there is good in this world. Any belief I had died that night when the light in your eyes was snuffed out because of me. I am so sorry I couldn’t have been more, been better for you, been what you deserved. I’m sorry I never made it right, never made them pay. But I have made others pay.” My voice had dropped lethally low and I felt the anger roll in like an old friend I had been missing.

  I stayed there on my knees as if in prayer, but I was desperate. I wasn’t here to mourn any longer, to beg for forgiveness that would never come. I was here to leave her, them, in peace. “I’ll be sealing this door tonight my loves…” I squeezed eyes desperate for tears and tried to focus on what I had to do, needed to do. I felt the old hat in my back pocket and reached for it. I wasn’t Father O’Connor, I wasn’t Mac. I was simply Preacher. A vampire, who on occasion still gave a little mercy when the merciless side of me was sleeping. A vampire who believed once that God was just and right, and would bring peace to those in need if they would seek his help. I had sought and I had been forsaken. I had no choice but to say goodbye and be the only thing I could and would ever be. An avenging Preacher, in the name of God I was just and good. Forsaken and forgotten didn’t matter when my cross was bared. I wasn’t evil by the good Lords standards. I was evil by blood and bone and the things I had done. There was no going back to change the many mistakes I had made.

  “I’ll be sealing this door for your peace. So you may rest for eternity and know I have protected what I have left of you to the very end. I have no choice but to never forget, to forever remember the light blue of Mary’s eyes.” Choking on my own sob, I could hear Cookie doing the same, but I forged on. “I will never forget the blue in you my little Mary Lass. I can never forget the laughter of a young man on the brink of something exciting, like a girl or a new trinket to be greedy over. Peter that laugh will drive me on, my son, I promise.

  “And to my Emme girl, my life, my bride, I will forever be reminded of your gentle touch, your warm kiss and the gold of your hair as you stood by the window of our home, naked on Saturday mornings. I will never see a sunrise again Em, but the image of you there before me, bare breasted and round with my

  children will forever be my light, my love, my own sunrise. Now and forever.” I kissed my palm and placed it slowly, sliding through years of dust and dirt across the names of my most cherished. My thumb rubbed gently at the carvings of Emme’s name. “Emigen Grace O’Connor, forever mine, thine and ours.” And with that I stepped from the crypt, not looking back.

  Not at Cookie, crumpled and crying silently on the floor, and not at the three grown men, all creatures of the night and scary as hell, with sadness in their eyes as I passed. Wordless and free I didn’t turn back.

  Tavern

  I walked in with my few boxes and looked at my new pad. The walls were painted in baby blue with white crown molding. The furnishings were modern and tasteful in white and various shades of pale blue. The kitchen had stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops, the bedrooms bathed in rich tones of brown and red. It was very opulence meets comfort.

  I understood where London had come up with the name for her living quarters; it looked like I was now living in Tiffany’s.

  I hated it.

  I wanted back in the room with the painting of Abraham and Isaac and that smelled of sage and marijuana. I wanted back in the place I would never see again. “So here are the codes for the security pass to get in. Bas is staying until Stupor gets here next month.” London says, and hands me the Post-It note with the new codes. “They change often, so maybe have Bas help you remember them.”

  I nod and feel helpless again. This was not how my life was meant to be. I was destined for greater things. Now that I was free of the after effects of Bliss, and the extreme sexual drive that Leushus’ blood gave me, I could finally move on.

  Leushus walked in with Bastian carrying groceries. “Leushus are you staying here with us too?” I asked, and went to take a few of the bags from Bastian, who scoffed at my attempt. I was trying to be nice. These guys could carry the car in if they had to, and not struggle in the slightest. Groceries were easy lifting.

  “No, I’m going to be busy working with the Supreme and trying to get a lead on where I can find Darcallion, Vencinni and Leucetta.”

  This confused me. “I thought that you two had to stay together.”

  They both laughed. “Bastian is his own person, Tavern. He is my protector, yes, but I command him. If I say stay, he stays, like the good boy he is.” He says, laughing when Bastian smacks him behind his head. “Fuck off with the good boy shit.” Bastian demands. He hates the dog jokes, but none of us can help ourselves; he makes it easy.

  “I actually need to talk to you about a few things with Bastian being here.” He glances at London who is setting the thermostat and fluffing pillows. “After she and Cash leave we’ll discuss the new arrangements.” He barely spoke above a whisper. I nodded feeling ominous about the whole thing.

  London made an extravagant meal of New York strip steaks, rosemary new potatoes and a tossed spinach and cranberry salad. We ate together like a family would, all of us avoid Preacher’s obviously empty chair. No one said a word about it, and we tried to enjoy the meal. I could see the stress on their faces as they watched me each time I glanced at the seat he wasn’t sitting in.

  After dinner, London and Cash made their way back to the mansion, after she promised to be here bright and early in the morning to help me arrange the condo. Leushus and Bastian were waiting for me in the living room, both engrossed in a Jim Rome program on Showtime. I sat between the two and waited for the big talk.

  Unlike most guys, they switched off the show. “So what’s up?” I ask, biting my lip. I don’t know what to expect, and am nervous as hell.

  “Bastian was turned into a wolf over two thousand years ago when I was blessed with my wings. I came to be an angel as you came to this earth, born and raised to be the man I am today. After the great battle of the Greek Pantheon Gods, I fought alongside the Christians and helped to banish the Greek beliefs. I was blessed with riches and food, and gifted with Bastian. He fought alongside me through the battles, had been my closest friend from childhood. When I was gifted with my wings, I
was sworn to protect a new breed of soldiers, the Custos Nex, from their enemy the Cruor Nex.

  “When I met my first soldier, long before there were Custos or Cruor; I trained him. I did so with pride. It was a naïve move for me to make. He was killed quickly because of my desire to prove myself. When more were sent to me, I was scared to fail, so I swallowed my pride and taught them everything they needed to know to win, to survive.” He stands, drops his jacket and removes his shirt. His chest is covered in such beautiful designs that it hurts to look upon his skin. They were imbedded into his skin, the deepest shades of red contrasting against the scrolling work in black. “These are my markings as a Blessed of the Devine. They were given to

  me as protection when I started training my men to fight in the Christian battle. They kept me on task and looking at the bigger picture. They also gave me the power to fight alongside the Christians and command an entire army. I did so with a heavy heart, knowing and never forgetting the one who died because of my pride. Pride has no place in this world, Tavern. It is a deadly fault we all carry. I know this from experience.

  When the battle of the Devine came, it changed it all. God had smote the Pantheon back into the stars, and when he did so he was betrayed by the Cado. They had been his own personal army, but their belief in him was false. God however, is all knowing, and upon the Cados’ re-entry into heaven, they were turned to stone; forced to watch through unmoving eyes as the world changed after the birth of his son, Jesus.

  They swore they saw the error in their ways, and begged for repentance, but they failed that as well. See, vampires were not always bad. It was the Cado who stole souls, offering promises that couldn’t be kept, and doing so in the name of the Devine.

  I was blessed, and busy training the Custos, when an Angel came to me. My service to Him had been recognized, as was my fealty. I begged of the angel for forgiveness of my sins in the beginning. I didn’t understand the true path of being a Dominus to men. He assured me all was forgiven, and asked me to trust in Him and see myself as once again gifted. I explained to the Angel that I didn’t need any gift from Him, that my service was true and great. In that moment, the Angel smiled, and I screamed in agony from an intense burning in my back. Bastian, having stayed at my side all those years, rushed to see what caused me such pain. Bastian was the first to see my wings as they pushed free of my back. He didn’t scream or yell for help. He knew the gift that I was receiving, and when my wings were full and on display in such a glorious moment, Bastian fell to his knees and swore his fealty to me and the Lord, to stand beside me as my guard. It was then that Bastian was gifted, too.”