The Regret (Heartache #2)

by Green, Vicki

  “What’s got you all smiley?” My eyes widen, not realizing the smile that’s obviously still on my face but I can’t seem to stop it. “Weird for you.” A beer bottle is already sitting on the table in front of me. I shrug my shoulders and pick it up, taking a long drink. She shifts in her seat and tilts her head. “Okay. Spill.”

  I swallow and shrug again. “What? I’m just happy. Can’t a girl just be happy?”

  She lets out a sigh and takes a drink of her beer then sets the bottle down on the table, cupping her hands around it. “Yeah, but this is you, Jolie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy.” She’s right. I know that. Ever since I followed Jase to this town, I’ve never really smiled, never really been truly happy. Until now. I never had a reason to be. Of course, she doesn’t know that.

  “I just….” What do I tell her? I’m not one to spill my guts, tell much about myself. I’ve always been private, not needing anyone’s sympathy, not wanting it. Those people who give you that look, like they’re so much better, had a better life than you.

  “Shit, Jolie. Anytime anything makes us happy is a good thing.”

  What an idiot. I don’t think she’s had it much better than I have. I take another drink, gathering some courage. It wouldn’t hurt to tell her a little. I could use a good friend. I swallow and let out a sigh.

  “I didn’t have the best childhood.” She raises one of her eyebrows, like she already knew this somehow. “When I met Jase in college, it was one of the best things to happen to me. Oh, we didn’t become friends immediately.” I let out a small laugh, remembering how he kept trying to talk to me, convince me he only wanted to be friends. “I guess he was going through his own rough times.” Her face softens, knowingly. “I’ve only had one friend before Jase. That didn’t end well so I’ve always been leery of people since then.” She nods and takes a drink of her beer but keeps her eyes on mine. “Anyway.” I let out a sigh. “I grew up in a foster home.” I raise one of my brows. “An abusive foster home.” I wait for her look of sympathy, but it never comes so I continue in relief. “A boy in the neighborhood and I became friends. He saved me more than once. When he was sixteen, he got adopted and moved away, promising to stay in contact and come back for me when he turned eighteen. I was two years younger than him.” I look down at the bottle in my hands and swallow hard. “He never did.” I look back at her. “I never heard from him.” Picking up my beer, I take a long drink then swallow. “I was so young. I guess I thought no one out there would ever really like me, that maybe there’s only bad people out in the world. But once I was of age, I was determined that I wouldn’t let anyone or anything make me feel that way again. It took Jase a lot of convincing that he only wanted to be my friend and actually stick around. I think back then we both helped each other, ya know?” She smiles and takes another drink.

  “That’s a rough life. I don’t completely know what that’s like but I can empathize. My parents….” She looks afraid to go on. She sits up straight and shakes her head. “Well, they weren’t much as far as parents go, still aren’t. Mom wishes she had a son so when she had me, she treated me as if I were. Then as I grew, able to fend for myself, she quit caring all together. Dad was no help, always drunk or at the station. After a major heart attack, now he’s mainly just drunk. If it wasn’t for T.J., the head mechanic, and me the station would close down.” She lets out a sigh. “And….” She looks as if she doesn’t want to continue so I give her a nod, hoping she knows I’d never say anything. “I was in an abusive relationship for two years. Yeah, I know. Smart to stay with him that long, huh?” She starts to take another drink but her bottle is empty. “Yo, Tim!” I turn my head and look at Tim behind the bar. “Two more!” He nods at her.

  “I dunno. Maybe you thought things would get better.” I shrug, taking the last drink of my beer. As soon as I set the empty down a full one appears in front of me.

  “Thanks, Tim!” She smiles then looks at me once Tim’s left. “Well, that or maybe he scared the shit outta me.” She laughs and takes a drink. “I dunno. I guess life is full of regrets but ya know what they say.” I give her a confused look. She smiles and lets out another laugh. “What doesn’t kill us?” She raises her beer in front of me, and I smile back as I lift mine, clicking them together. We both laugh and then take a drink. “So – uh – Tanner, huh?” My eyes snap to hers and see them light up, a small smile on her mouth. “He is hot, no doubt. You sure he’s okay though? I mean – no one really knows him around here. I know he saved Jase and all but how do you really know that he’s not….” She lets her words hang there.

  “Abusive?” I finish for her. She nods, setting her beer down. “I don’t, really. I do know that he’s been kind to me, makes me laugh, and seems like a caring person.” I lay my arms down on the table and become serious. “Even though our situations are different, yours from a boyfriend and mine from the people who were supposed to be taking care of me, and after Stephen left….” I swallow hard but clear my throat quickly. “Didn’t return and the way I was mistreated by my foster parents, you can believe I’m a little gun shy to trust anyone.” She leans closer, like she’s really interested. “Trust me. It took Jase many, many attempts for me to speak to him, without being a real bitch.” She laughs and I can’t help but laugh too, thinking about how bad I treated him when we first met. “But he didn’t give up. I guess we were both looking for a friend.”

  I watch her swallow. “I could use a friend. Ever since Alena came back to town, everything she and Jase went through to escape with their lives from her abusive ex-boyfriend….” I watch as she shivers. “Then losing their baby in the process but finally having a happily ever after, she doesn’t have as much time to hang out as she used to, but it did show me it is possible there are guys out there – somewhere – that are good to women. Maybe.” She sounds more than skeptical. I guess I can’t blame her. I had no idea what all she went through or how bad it was but any kind of abuse isn’t easy and can leave you leery.

  I give her a smile. “Well, you have one now. I could use a friend.” Her mouth turns up into a smile. “And Tanner? Yeah, he is definitely hot and sexy and….” We both start laughing, and it feels good. Really good. Maybe for once things have turned for me. Maybe my happiness just took a while to get here. God, I hope so. I take a drink, still smiling. “Soooo. What about Barrett?” Her brows lift, and her eyes widen. “Oh, c’mon. You know he’s hot and hangs on every word you say, not to mention he watches every move you make.” She puts her hand over her heart, like she’s surprised. “Ha! Don’t act like you haven’t noticed.”

  She looks down at the table. “Yeah, I have.” She looks up at me with a worried look. “Another new guy in town and I’m supposed to think he’s okay?” She lets out a big sigh. “Have you not heard anything I’ve said?” Her words make me cringe a little but what stops me is her small smile. “I guess he’s okay to look at.” She shrugs like it’s nothing, but I know better.

  I reach over and cover her hand with mine. “Life is full of regrets. Some make us stronger but sometimes they can be debilitating, rendering us so that we don’t take chances. I know it’s scary and there’s some things we’ll never get over, but we have to move on, take that chance, or we might never find happiness.” I squeeze her hand, and a small smile appears. I lean back in my seat and give her a nod. “I’m taking a chance with Tanner and I know that there’s a chance I could be hurt, not physically but with my heart. I’m willing to take that chance because in my gut, I think we’re right for each other. That he’s my happiness. I could be wrong. He could blow me outta the water but without taking that chance, I could lose something great. I could lose my shot at happiness.”

  “How’d you get so smart?” She smiles but underneath her façade, I can tell she’s still scared.

  I shrug as I take a drink. “How did you get such long eyelashes? Are those fake?” We both laugh then I become quiet.
“I’m not really.” I smile. “I just want something I’ve never had.”

  We move on to lighter topics like how hot Tanner and Barrett are and laugh until my sides hurt. Best night!

  Chapter 13

  My life is going exactly where I’d hoped it would go. A house, my girl, who could ask for anything more? Time. I need more time to make sure Jolie is so in love with me that when she finds out my secrets she won’t run away. Or hate me. Or both. Thing is my time is growing shorter. When Barrett called me over, I found out just how short my time has become. He told me there are more reports of abuse coming from the house that is being staked out. Once enough evidence can be obtained, we’ll move in. This is where it’ll get tricky, especially with Jolie living with me now. She’s never asked where I’ve gone during those times I’d leave town for a few days at a time. She wouldn’t. She’s not like that and back then, she didn’t really know me. She’ll want to know now or be really curious. Then again, once the suspects are apprehended, she’ll find out about it. I’ll want her to know, even though I may be hanging myself in the process. It’s one of the reasons I do what I do, especially this place. For her. Maybe I can …. No. At that point, I can’t keep things from her anymore. If I get any chance to be with her, I need to come clean, and then pray that she’ll forgive me.

  “What are you thinking so hard about?”

  I look up in the mirror in the men’s locker room and see Jase leaning against the counter behind me. I thought everyone was gone by now. Running my fingers through my damp hair, I turn around and lean against the counter, mimicking him. “Oh, just thinking about how life can get messed up so quickly, if you’re not careful.” I give him a grin, but I’m not feeling it. I cross my arms over my chest and let out a deep breath. He shifts his weight and nods.

  “Yeah. I know that better than anyone, I guess.”

  We’re silent, just looking at each other. I’ve never shared my secrets with anyone except for one of the guys on my team. Jason has been a part of this from the beginning and spending countless hours on stakeouts with someone, well, you end up sharing more than you probably should. It felt good to have at least one person know though. Maybe it’s time to trust another. At least to a certain extent.

  Jase seems to grow uneasy. “Does this messed up stuff have anything to do with Jolie?” Yeah, he’s not real happy. Can’t blame him. Hell, he may want to punch me once he finds out. I give him a slow nod, wondering if I’ll regret this later. A scowl appears on his face as he crosses his arms over his broad chest. I may have helped him out before but he’s strong, works out, and has massive biceps, not one to be reckoned with. “Just what does this have to do with her?”

  I look down, crossing my ankles, then back up at him. Here goes nothing. Or everything. “You know when I go out of town sometimes?” He nods, the scowl still on his face and don’t think I don’t notice the tick in his jaw. “I go undercover with a team, helping to put away foster parents who abuse the system, as well as the kids they foster.” Confusion overtakes him. “Yeah, well. Part of it is a long story but ….” Shit! This is harder than I thought. I clear my throat and stand up straight. “My team’s been staking out the foster home Jolie was in.” There. I said it.

  He tightens his arms over his chest. “Okay. So, that’s a good thing, right?”

  I grimace and nod. “Yeah.”

  “Then I don’t get where this has to do with Jolie and her life being messed up.” That’s because he doesn’t know the worst part of it. I look down, trying to figure out how I can explain, make him understand that I had no choice, and how much I don’t want to hurt Jolie. When I look up, he’s standing right in front of me. I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t hear him walk over. I almost flinch as he raises his hand but relax a bit when he places it on my shoulder. “Look, Tanner. You seem like a good guy. I know you’re a private person and I also know what it’s like to hold onto something that might make you insane or in the end almost destroy you. I’ve been there, my friend. Sometimes, it’s better to talk it out, at least with one person. It might help.” I look at him and give him a small grin.

  “Got about an hour or so?”

  He claps his hand on my shoulder and smiles. “I’ve got as long as you need and a few cold ones too.” I give him a nod. “How about we go to my house? Alena’s over at her mom’s so we have the place to ourselves.” I nod again and as he steps back, I grab my gear and look at my reflection in the mirror. Maybe he’s right. Telling him everything might be the release I need from holding it in for so long. Who knows? Maybe he’ll have some good advice for me. I could sure use some.

  ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

  “So. Let me get this straight,” Jase says as I take a long drawl from my beer. We’ve been talking for better part of an hour and on our second beers. “You didn’t tell her why you’re here or everything that happened so once you do, you think she’ll walk?” I can only nod. As sure as I’m sitting here breathing, that’s exactly what I think will happen. I watch him rub his chin, his brows lower as he thinks. He leans back in his chair and looks straight at me. I’m feeling nervous yet anxious. “I gotta tell you, Tanner. I think my biggest mistake was holding back from Alena, not telling her how I felt. I didn’t let her in. I know our situations are different but keeping things from the person you want the most doesn’t end well. I was lucky, in a sense. The bad things that happened in her life helped me to see just how bad it would be without her in my life. I’m sure you’re scared to tell her at this point. I know I would be.” Okay, he isn’t being reassuring. He sits up, leaning his arms on the table. “Wouldn’t it be better coming from you? If what you say happens, it’ll come out and she will find out through social media. Wouldn’t that be worse? I mean, she won’t find out the worst of it but the confusion will be there. She’ll have so many questions. Wouldn’t it be better to bite the bullet before that happens?”

  He’s right. I know. I sit up and set my beer down, cupping the bottle. “Yeah.” I sigh. “I know. I just….” I look down at the table and furrow my brows, scared of my own thoughts. “If I lose her before and she runs, then everything I’ve worked for won’t mean as much when it happens.”

  “Tanner. You had your reasons for keeping it a secret for a long time. I understand that and I think she would too.” I look up at him. “Now, when that part was over and you moved here, if you would have told her, the hard part would have already been done. You might have lost the chance to be with her but then maybe after your undercover part was revealed, she might have understood better for all the secrecy and you could have had a better chance. Now….”

  “I stand a worse chance of keeping her,” I finish for him.

  He lets out a deep breath. “Maybe. Maybe not. She’s a smart woman. At least if you tell her now, explain it, it might give you a better chance later. You might lose her for now but you’ll regret it more if you don’t and stand a better chance of trying to get her back.”

  I pick up my beer and drain the rest. “So many regrets. So much time lost. I should have told her as soon as I came to town.” I look up at him and then back down at the bottle in my hand. “I was afraid I’d lose her before I even had her.”

  I feel his hand on mine before I look up. “You’re a good friend. You kept the secret you were asked to keep. You were there when you were needed. Your biggest regret is that you kept it too long when you should have told the one person it would matter to the most. I think it’s time to do that. Don’t you?” I nod, letting out another sigh. He smiles. “You’re a good person, Tanner. You’re always there when people need you. Now it’s time to do something for yourself. Make things right. And once you do….” My brows raise as my heart begins to beat faster. “Grab hold of her and don’t let her go.” I don’t intend to. He raises his beer bottle, and I clank mine against it. Jase is okay in my book. I knew he was when I first met him.

 
We end the night by talking about Alena and their baby. His eyes lit up as he animatedly talked about everything surrounding them. He’s excited to find out the sex of their baby but is hoping it’s a girl, knowing she won’t replace the one they lost, but because he thinks Alena secretly wants a girl. I chuckle to myself after having the similar conversation with Alena and she just wants the baby to be healthy, not really caring if it’s a boy or girl. They really should share that with each other.

  I leave his house, heading home with renewed strength and determination. It’s still going to take the right time to sit Jolie down and explain everything but I’m feeling better about doing it. It’s not late when I pull into the driveway and I wasn’t sure Jolie would be home yet because with her and Hailey out together, who knows how late they’d be out. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see her motorcycle already parked there. I’m glad she and Hailey seem to be getting closer. I know Jolie had become friends with Jase and Alena. It’s nice that she has another friend. I sit here and look around the front of the house, noticing the lights are off inside. My mouth turns up into a smile, thinking that this is my house. Our house. She’s inside, maybe taking a bath or shower, or maybe she’s tired and already in asleep our bed. This is what life is all about. This is everything. Just knowing she’s inside there makes me hard and anxious to get in there.

  Quickly I get out, lock up my truck, and walk to the front door, unlocking it as fast as I’m able to. Darkness surrounds me as I enter through the front door except for a dim light coming from down the hall. I’m quiet as I walk there, seeing our bedroom door open only a crack. Pushing it open slowly, I expect to see her in bed asleep, but it’s empty. I look over at the bathroom door, where the light was coming from, and walk there, pushing open the door to find it empty too. What the hell? My heart begins to beat faster as confusion and panic takes over. Why would the house be dark if she is here? Her bike is outside. I turn quickly and jog out of the room, down the hall, looking in the spare bedroom, the hall bathroom, then race into the darkened family room. Nothing. Running into the kitchen, I walk through the small door and look in the laundry room, my heart choking me by this time. I hear a noise on the deck and whip my head around, barely making out a figure sitting on a lawn chair. I close the laundry room door and walk over to the sliding glass door, opening it quickly. It’s so dark outside that I can hardly make out Jolie laying down on the chaise lounge. When I step beside her, she turns her head and looks up, her hand flying over her heart.