Instigations

by Kiki Archer

  Kat smiled gently. “She imagined you.”

  The tears were back. “She hardly knows me.”

  Ben inhaled loudly and tried to sound composed. “They just felt Benny would be better off with me being his biological father and the fact that Gerald works abroad so much,” he paused, “and without being rude to the man, the fact that he is slightly older. Lisa said she would rather have Benny growing up with us and the possibility of having brothers and sisters.” He looked at Lucy and smiled with his eyes, “And I’m sure Benny will have brothers and sisters one day.”

  “Is Gerald okay with all of this?” Kat could hardly take in the enormity of the situation.

  Ben nodded. “He was the one who suggested it. It turns out that Lisa had been telling the truth. She was planning on finding me and telling me about Benny, only I bumped into her first.” He needed to make it clear. “Gerald will still see Benny as much as he does now. It’s just that Benny’s home will be with us.”

  “What about grandparents?” Kat did not want to appear judgemental or questioning but the questions kept coming.

  “Gerald’s parents have died and Lisa only has her mum and, as Benny says, Nana Pearl is crazy!” The picture of Benny doing a crazy Nana Pearl impression raced across his mind, quickly followed by the image of Benny plummeting face first into the concrete floor. He shuddered. It was the tenth time he had re-lived it since it happened. He shook his head. “Shit, we can’t look after a kid.”

  Lucy rubbed his knee, it was her turn to be strong. “Yes we can, and yes we will. He’s not just any kid. He’s your son. If this is what Lisa wants, then this is what’s going to happen. We are going to be the best mummy and daddy that wonderful little boy could ever imagine.”

  Ben started to cry. “I hope so ... for his sake.”

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Ben and Kat waited silently as the final few teachers shuffled out of the staffroom. It was the second week in and Christmas seemed like a distant memory. Carole the Cleaner was busying herself with the pile of brown stained mugs in the overflowing sink. The bearded supply guy had picked up a copy of the TES, made himself comfortable in the far corner of the staffroom, and smiled with relief that all the teachers, for once, seemed to be accounted for.

  Kathy from Cover immediately popped her head around the door. “Sorry Geoff, Hannah Phag has not turned up for her class.”

  The bearded supply guy put his paper down, huffed, and rose to his feet, wondering how so many teachers were able to misplace, or forget about, their classes. It seemed to happen almost every day. “Room twelve?” he questioned knowingly, scratching his beard and trundling past Kat and Ben, out into the quiet corridor. He knew room twelve very well.

  Kat waited for the door to shut and turned to Ben. “Hannah’s gone AWOL again?” She shook her head. “I really thought she was on the up.”

  Ben would usually have responded with a quick witted remark, but today he simply nodded in acceptance.

  “Oh Ben. How are things?” It had been a week since that shockingly awful evening in the apartment and everyone had been so busy.

  He leaned forwards and rested his elbows heavily onto his knees. “Not great. Benny’s fine though. He seems so together for a four year old. He knows that Mummy is going to heaven soon to see the angels and live with her daddy and the puppy.”

  Kat frowned. “The puppy?”

  “Yeah, they got a puppy last year but it died. Benny still talks about the puppy in heaven. I think Lisa got him one of those shitty Disney films about dogs that go to heaven or something.” He shook his head. “There’s still so much I don’t know about him ... and I fucking hate Disney films!”

  Kat tried to connect. “You’re not trying to talk yourself out of this are you?”

  Ben immediately twisted round, looking at her properly for the first time. “Oh god no!” He paused, pulling at a loose thread from his brown fabric chair. “I just don’t want to fail.”

  Kat looked him straight in the eye. “There are two types of people Ben. Those who need to achieve and those who need to avoid failure. The ones who need to avoid failure always set themselves easy tasks. They never push themselves, they never let themselves be put in a situation in which they might fail. They therefore never know what it is like to truly succeed. You are not one of those people Ben.” She spoke with fierce determination, trying to snap him out of this momentary self pity. “You are someone who needs to achieve. You embrace challenges, you thrive in situations where the outcome is unknown ... and Ben, you nearly always succeed.”

  Ben smiled. “Where do you get this bullshit from?”

  “Sport psychology!”

  “Just how many strings are there to your never ending bow Miss Spicer?!” he laughed, teasingly squeezing her knee.

  “At least it’s put a smile on your face.” Kat studied his chin, usually home to some short sprouts of trendy blonde stubble, but now currently teetering on the brink of an actual beard. “Seriously Ben, what do you need us to do?”

  He took a deep breath and scratched his chin. “I need you to move out of the apartment.”

  Carole the Cleaner accidentally dropped a mug onto the wet draining board. A result of her not so accidental ear wigging.

  Kat jumped at the clatter, but was more shocked by Ben’s request. It was the first she had heard of it. “Right?”

  He smiled apologetically. “I’m a complete dick-head I know, and I’m so sorry. Lucy wanted to be the one to talk to you, but I have gone over and over it in my head and I just can’t think of any other solution. You did just ask if there was anything you could do to help.”

  “Right...” Kat was waiting for the punch line.

  “Benny is okay for the moment staying at Lisa’s. Nana Pearl has moved in to help, but Lisa has said she wants to see him settled before she goes and she does not want him around her near the end. She wants him to remember her full of life.”

  Kat rubbed her temples. “So why our apartment?”

  “Well my flat is hardly appropriate and he knows the apartment and he actually thinks that’s where I live. I just want to do this properly Kat. I want to give him a home with me and Lucy that he feels is his.”

  “Could you not look for somewhere new for the three of you?” Kat was trying to be delicate; she loved where she lived.

  “It will take too long and he knows the place. He’s happy staying there.”

  “Ben, he’s only stayed over twice and both of those times it was in Freya’s room.” She thought for a moment. “Could I suggest that Freya and I share a room?”

  “Well, we were going to suggest that.”

  “Oh right, were you?”

  “Yes and I ... umm ... I was hoping to decorate Freya’s room this weekend.” He leaned forwards in earnest. “I just want everything to be perfect for him. I know this is completely crazy, but I have to do something. I have to put Lisa at ease, show her that I can do this.”

  Kat straightened in her seat, unsure of her feelings. “Is Lucy okay with all of this?”

  “Yes. She was dreading asking you and she will no doubt tell me off for mentioning it without her ... but she agrees. She thinks the apartment would be a great first family home for the three of us. Shit Kat, we’ve only had a week to think things through. I know it’s hasty and I know it’s asking a lot.” He was pleading now and knew he was sounding like a complete cock. “Of course you two can stay in your room for as long as you need to.”

  “Thanks for that!”

  “You’re cross aren’t you?” Ben noticed a nod of ‘of course she is’ coming from the kitchenette where Carole the Cleaner had given up on the mugs. “I know I have no right, and I know I have no say in what goes on in your apartment, but I have no other solution.”

  Kat thought about it for a moment. “No, I’m not cross. I’m just shocked. What sort of time frame are we talking about?”

  Ben shrugged. “I don’t know. Lisa wants him staying at home for as long as she feels
fit. The doctors have given her a couple of months, maybe three. But hey, you hear those stories where people defy the doctors and go on to live for years with a terminal diagnosis.”

  Kat nodded, she did not want to burst his bubble.

  “But I want to be prepared ... just in case.”

  Kat shrugged; what could she say? “Okay. I’ll talk to Freya.”

  ****

  Kat’s walk up to her classroom was long and thought filled, with her attention drawn momentarily to the glass topped door of room twelve and the bearded supply guy who was trying to make himself heard above the din. She thought about going in. Doing so would quieten the class, but it would also completely undermine the little authority that Geoff, the bearded supply guy, managed to retain. She continued her walk. It was the same with Freya and Renee. The guidance suggested you should only step in if there was a serious breach of student behaviour which the trainee teacher had not dealt with. For example, a child swears at a trainee, the trainee fails to follow the correct protocol, the mentor should step in. So far Kat had enjoyed her new role, watching the girls grow in confidence with the odd lesson introduction or conclusion being taught. She had eased them in gently, giving them the nicest of Year Seven classes. Today was different though. Today was bottom set Year Nine history and they had the task of starting the lesson and leading the first activity. She had given them this free period to make the final lesson preparations, but as she made her way up the B Block staircase and reached her classroom door, this was the last thing that she expected to see. Renee was at the white board, dressed in a smart black two piece suit, with a red marker pen in hand. She was crossing out the letter U and drawing a noose.

  Freya was sat on a blue plastic chair with her feet up on the table. “Give me a clue,” she said.

  Renee licked her lips. “It’s what you are.”

  Kat looked at the board H / I S S E

  Freya smiled. “O.”

  Both were oblivious to Kat’s presence in the doorway.

  Renee put an O in the second gap.

  Freya grinned. “T.”

  Renee wiggled her head, swishing her long beaded braids. “You so good girlfriend!” and put a T in the third gap.

  Kat pushed the door fully open sending it clattering against the battered grey filing cabinet. “I think you’re missing a K and an R.”

  Freya swung her feet off the desk. “She’s just pissing around!”

  Renee quickly grabbed the dry cloth and wiped the board clean. “Sorry, we had finished and were just passing the time.”

  “Yes, by pissing around.”

  Freya knew she must be cross if she was swearing. She stood quickly and presented their lesson plan. “Is this okay? We finished about ten minutes ago.” She pointed hastily at the pile of textbooks. “Everything’s sorted.”

  Kat scanned the piece of paper. “You’re missing your objectives. Where is the class size? Where is the time frame? How do you know how many resources to have if you don’t know the size of the class?” She was nit picking, but she was flustered, what was going on?

  Freya reached for Kat’s arms, looked up into her fragile blue eyes, and spoke slowly. “Renee was just messing around.”

  Kat immediately shook her off. “Don’t do that in school please Freya.” She slapped the lesson plan back onto the table and turned to leave. “You’ve got ten minutes before the class arrives. I expect you to bring them in, introduce the lesson and start the first activity. I will be watching from the back.” She walked out into the empty corridor, pulling the classroom door with her. She had not meant to slam it, but that was the effect it had.

  “You fucking idiot,” mouthed Freya.

  ****

  School could be eerie when all the children were in lessons. The corridors seemed longer and strangely silent. Kat had nowhere in particular to go, so she headed towards the pristine staff toilets. Carole the Cleaner took a real pride in ensuring the staff had the softest toilet roll, the nicest smelling hand wash and even a fresh bunch of flowers at the edge of the sinks each Monday morning. It was also Carole’s job to maintain the numerous student’s toilets scattered around the school and she had absolutely no qualms about providing them with the cheapest blue tracing paper on which to wipe their sorry little arses. Some of the sights she had seen at the end of a break time absolutely beggared belief.

  Kat pushed open the weighted door and entered a cubicle. Dropping the lid she took a seat and sunk her face into her hands. She tried not to cry. What was going on? Why was everything changing? Who had her girlfriend become? How ridiculous would it be to suggest setting up home together? Freya clearly had other plans. She heard the toilet door creak open and listened to Freya calling her name.

  She coughed, stood up, flushed the toilet, and opened the door. She headed straight to the sinks and kept her eyes fixed on her own reflection.

  “Kat?”

  “I thought I asked you to correct that plan? The bell will be going soon.”

  Freya grabbed her wrists, pulling them from under the taps and wrapping them around her own waist. “Will you listen to me. Nothing is going on. Renee is just a flirt.”

  Kat felt heartened by the connection, by the perseverance, by the warm green eyes on her own; but she couldn’t help it. “I just don’t know what to believe anymore.”

  Freya’s eyes narrowed and she ripped the arms away, pointing her finger directly at Kat. “Fine, but I can’t do, or say, anymore. I explained what happened at Christmas. I just told you what happened in there. Yes, it was a bit unprofessional, but there were no kids around.” She shook her head. “This is you Kat. This is your insecurity, not my infidelity. You either trust me or you don’t. It’s your choice,” and with that she walked straight back out of the ladies.

  Kat looked at herself in the mirror. Freya was right, who would want someone as insecure as her anyway?

  ****

  It had taken a couple of minutes to pull herself together and focus on the task in hand, but she had and she was. Kat strode out of the staff toilets and headed back along the corridor to her room. She arrived at exactly the same time as a very colourful Elaine Springer.

  “Hi there! That wonderful student receptionist brought me up!” Elaine was signalling to the tiny Year Seven boy who was hurrying back to the front desk to continue the most exciting day of school to date.

  Kat smiled, disguising her immediate concern. “Yes, the Year Seven’s take it in turns to help out in Reception. It’s meant to act as a confidence builder.”

  Elaine was almost bouncing and her lime green skirt and bright pink ruffled shirt were causing a haze of distracting colour. “Yes, great scheme! Great scheme!” She tilted her funky triangle shaped glasses and peeped over the top of the rim towards the classroom door. “Are the girls in here? Thank you once again for taking on Renee. We really were in a pickle and I am telling you now, that is the last time we will be using John Taylor’s as a link school!”

  “Yes they are. I have asked them to start my Year Nine lesson next.” There was no easy way to ask. “Umm sorry ... is this a planned visit?” As far as Kat was aware the first observation was not until Friday.

  Elaine nodded quickly. “Yes, yes! I was due to go to John Taylor’s today to observe Renee. I saw her last week at university and told her the observation would obviously now be here. I might as well observe them both. She did tell you didn’t she?”

  Kat tapped her teeth together and shook her head.

  Elaine hopped up and fanned Kat’s face. “Don’t worry, don’t worry! Crikey you are tall aren’t you! It’s all very informal at this stage. I just like to get a rough idea of whether they are up to the job! Listen to me trying to teach you to suck eggs! You went through this not long ago. You know how it works! Such a shame our paths didn’t cross. You were quite the star,” she winked, “or so university legend has me believe!”

  Kat was sucked in by the animated spiel, not quite sure on when to cut in. “They will be fine. I’
m really pleased with them both.”

  “Great, great!” The shrill bell sent Elaine into an involuntary jump. “Saved by the bell, shall we go in?!”

  Kat nodded, unsure if she had ever met anyone with more bubbling energy before. “They will be fine,” she said, mostly to herself.

  Renee was the first to notice them enter and simply waved a welcoming greeting to Elaine before heading to the door. She waited for the Year Nine’s to congregate and loudly asked them to “Line up quietly,” and much to Elaine’s, tick box approval, they did.

  Freya however remained at the front of the classroom with a look of apprehensive confusion on her face.

  Renee instructed the class to take a seat in their usual places and get out their exercise books and pens. Elaine added another tick to her sheet.

  Kat suddenly felt a surge of panic, Freya had yet to speak and her sheet was currently blank. She leaned back in her plastic classroom chair and squinted down. It looked like Elaine had a serious of simple statements that required a tick or a cross. Renee had already achieved points one and two – 1: Show authority with the class. 2: Speak in a clear and coherent manner. She looked up at Freya to offer a reassuring smile, but was met with her back. She was busy scribbling objectives onto the board.

  Elaine whispered into Kat’s ear, “I always encourage them to have the objectives on the board ready for when the class arrives. Obviously I know this is not do-able on all occasions, for example between lessons one and two or four and five where there are no breaks, but you know what I mean,” she tapped Kat’s knee, “of course you know what I mean! Please stop me from rattling on!” She continued, “I just find some of the trainee mentors need a whole lot of mentoring themselves, like that one from John Taylor’s, but I don’t have to worry about her now, thank goodness! Oh look, they’re about to start!” Elaine hushed herself.

  “Okay, today I will be leading the class along with Miss Eves.” Freya was clear and calm. Kat waited for a tick in the box; but it didn’t come. Elaine was too busy watching the loud, late arrival of a rather scruffy looking lad.