In Too Deep

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  “What’s up, Abe? You ready for another round of golf? The fellas and I are going to Atlanta for a golf tournament this weekend.”

  “Count me in,” I said.

  “Good. I was hoping you’d say that. So anyway, what brings you by? And where have you been these past couple of days?”

  I cleared my throat and got right down to it. “Brian, I have a situation and I need your help.”

  “Sure thing. There’s always a solution.”

  “It’s a little complicated, Brian, and to be honest it’s going to require for you to have my back the way I had yours in New York.”

  Brian looked at me and nodded slowly. “What’s going on?”

  “I’ve been seeing someone on the side, and things got kind of ugly a few days ago, and now I’ve been fired.”

  “Fired? What are you talking about?”

  “I’ve been sleeping with Taki, Brian.”

  He put up his hand for me to pause and then picked up his phone. After telling his secretary to hold all of his calls, I gave him the rundown on my entire relationship with Taki, and then told him about everything that happened in her office.

  Taki

  I waited until everyone, including Brian, left for the evening and then headed to my car. Abe was parked next to me and was leaning against his Escalade, waiting for me. I walked straight up him.

  “You piece of shit!” I spat, my face inches away from his. “I can’t believe you went to Brian and told him about us. Who the hell are you to put my business out like that?”

  Abe stared at me evenly. “You left me no choice, Taki. I didn’t deserve to be fired and you know that. Did you really think I would let you take my job away from me?”

  “You threw me to the damn ground!”

  “Come on, Taki. You know that’s not how things went down. You were the one who flipped out by hitting me. I reacted out of instinct, but I didn’t mean for you to fall.”

  “Brian roasted me and put me on temporary probation.”

  Abe shrugged his shoulders at me. “I did what I had to do to keep my job.”

  “I could tell your wife, you know,” I threatened.

  “Not unless you want me to confirm your husband’s suspicions.”

  I threw my hands in the air and walked around to my car. “I should have never messed with your ass!” I fumbled with my key trying to get it into the lock. The darkness outside wasn’t helping me any, neither was my anger and embarrassment over what happened in Brian’s office.

  “Taki,” Abe said, coming beside me. “All I said was maybe we should chill for a little bit to avoid any drama from your husband that we both don’t want or need.”

  He took my hand in his and turned me around. The scent from his Ralph Lauren cologne was making me moist. A good scent on a man has always been an aphrodisiac for me. Abe leaned into me and instinctively, my arms wrapped around his waist.

  I took a quick look around to make sure that we were alone.

  “You don’t want any drama, do you?” Abe asked me soothingly.

  I wanted to push him away because I was still pissed, but I felt powerless against his magnetism.

  “I just want you, Abe,” I said, giving into my desire.

  He kissed me deeply, caressing my tongue with his. I knew it was about sex for him. He wasn’t falling like I was. I took his hand and guided it under my blouse for him to caress my breasts, and moaned as he massaged me in a way only he could. Reaching my hand in between his legs, I felt his manhood come to life. Suddenly, he pulled away.

  “Is our understanding intact?” he asked, looking at me with a dead-even glare.

  “You mean, can I fuck you without any emotional attachment?”

  “I just want to know if our understanding is intact.”

  Knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to flick the switch on the feelings I had for him, I lied and said yes, and then grabbed him and pulled him toward me. We deep-throated for a second or two before going back to my office. I would deal with how much I was falling in love with him later.

  “Taki, I want to talk to you.”

  I’d just hurried past the living room where Whilice had been watching TV, trying to get upstairs to jump into the shower. I needed to wash off the sweat and funk Abe and I created during the bout of angry sex we’d had.

  I paused with my hand on the banister, and with my back to him said, “Whilice, I’ve had a long, rough day. I’m tired and all I want to do right now is go upstairs and take a shower.”

  I started up the stairs again, hoping he would leave me alone, but instead, he followed behind me.

  “Taki, we need to talk. Now,” he said, stepping into the bedroom behind me.

  I turned and looked at him. His no-nonsense tone was surprising, and ticked me off a bit. I wanted to say something, but with the funk emanating from me, I held my tongue. “Let’s talk after I bathe,” I said.

  “Why don’t I join you?” Whilice asked.

  “I’d really rather be alone.”

  “Look Taki, I know you’re upset about the other night. That’s what I want to talk to you about.”

  I watched my husband. Was he about to start talking about Abe again?

  “Whilice, there’s really nothing to talk about.” I slipped out of my shoes and rested my keys on the dressing table.

  “Yes there is, Taki. Look, I just want to say that I’m sorry for the way I came at you that night. I know that you take your job seriously and I shouldn’t have been insinuating anything about you and Abe. The truth is that’s his job too and he has every right to be there as you do. I’m sorry for making you feel as though I don’t trust you.”

  I removed my jewelry and breathed a slow sigh of relief. “Thank you, Whilice,” I said softly. “I appreciate the apology.”

  Figuring that was the end of things, I started to make a move to the bathroom. Before I could get there, Whilice moved toward me and grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me toward him.

  “Whilice, I really need to take a shower.”

  “Come on, baby. It’s been a while since we made love. Let me give you a real reason to jump in that shower.”

  I tried to push him away as he leaned in closer to me.

  “Whilice, the girls will hear us.”

  He shook his head. “No, they won’t. I sent them to my mother’s house for the night. We’re all alone.”

  Damn.

  “After I bathe, Whilice,” I said, unsuccessfully fighting him off.

  “I want you now, baby.”

  He threw his arms around my waist and kissed me on my neck. Then he paused, and I heard him sniff. “Baby, what cologne is that?”

  Damn.

  “I stopped at the mall after work. I was trying to find you cologne. What you’re smelling is a combination of the samplers I tried.”

  He sniffed again. “Ralph Lauren. Aren’t you supposed to spray the sample on your wrist?”

  “I had sprayed so much on my wrists that I started using my neck.”

  He sniffed again. “Smells nice.”

  I said a silent thank-you as I narrowly escaped with my quick thinking. I finally managed to push him off of me.

  “Let’s do this after I shower, okay,” I tried again.

  Whilice wasn’t trying to hear that, though. “I don’t want to wait. I want my wife now.”

  Before I could utter another protest, he grabbed me and pulled me with him on the bed. I squirmed, trying to get him to stop, but he was persistent. He pressed his hard crotch into my leg.

  “Feel that, baby. It wants you. He’s dying for you, and so am I.” Whilice passed his hand along my calf and then up and over my thigh. Frantically, I tried to push him away, because I’d had to take my panties off after Abe had gotten through with me.

  “Come on, Whilice, please, baby. I’ll ride you good after I shower. I promise,” I said as tears leaked from the corners of my eyes.

  There I knew there was no way of getting out of the predicament I was in.


  “Please, Whilice,” I tried again, weakly.

  But he wasn’t listening. I took a deep breath, and relaxed myself, and waited for the storm to come as my husband slid his hand under my skirt.

  “What the fuck?” Whilice stared down at me. “Where’s your under wear?”

  I didn’t answer him right away.

  “Taki,” he said, his voice deepening, becoming venomous. “I asked you a question. Where the fuck is your under wear?”

  “I . . . in my purse.”

  “Your purse? What the fuck are they doing in there?”

  Tears fell as I remained silent. Whilice looked at me and then shook his head.

  “Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is.” He pleaded at me with his eyes. I had to look away.

  He suddenly put his hand back in between my legs, feeling inside of me with his fingers. I watched the pupils of his eyes darken as he removed his hand and shook his head again. Then he brought his fingers to his nose.

  I don’t remember much of anything but the slap across my cheek and the words, “bitch!”

  Whilice jumped off of me. “You fucking whore! You have been fucking him!”

  I didn’t say anything as my cheek stung and my tears fell. Whilice had never laid his hands on me before. Never even come close.

  “Bitch! You goddamned bitch! What the fuck did I do to deserve this? All I ever did was treat you right and take care of you and the girls.” His eyes began to water. “I fucking love you!” he yelled. He came back to the bed and grabbed me by my shoulders. “Tell me, Taki, how could you do this to me? How could you fuck him?”

  “Think about it,” I said weakly.

  “Think about what?”

  “This is all your fault.”

  “My fault?”

  “Yes, your goddamned fault!” I screamed. “You pushed me to him! You with your lazy, underachieving ways. You don’t bring any money into this household. You don’t even try. You think I married you so that you could work half-ass during the day and then come home and sit on your ass, letting yourself go to waste. Look at me, Whilice, and look at you. Look at how you let yourself go. This is your fault. You and you alone.”

  He pushed me down and spat on me. “Bitch!” he said, standing up. “I’ve had it with you. I’m tired of you always putting me down. So I don’t make as much as you, so fucking what! I don’t see you spending time with the kids. I don’t see you taking care of them. Money isn’t everything, you know. I’m happy doing what I’m doing. I’m not underachieving. If I want to make more money I’ll do that. But raising the girls and spending time with them is more important to me than busting my ass all day, every day, which is what I thought you were doing. I see now what you were busting your ass on. So how long have you been fucking him?”

  I rose up from the mattress. “Long enough to know I’d rather have him inside of me than you.”

  Whilice slapped me again, causing me to fall from the bed to the floor. I sat on the floor crying and holding my cheek. After a few seconds, I looked up at my husband. “Do you feel better?” I asked. “Do you feel like a fucking man now?”

  Whilice looked down at me and suddenly his dark eyes became placid as his shoulders slumped. “When did you become such a bitch, Taki. You’re not the woman I married.”

  “Yeah, well you’re not the man I married, so we’re in the same boat.”

  “Not anymore,” he said with finality in his voice. “As of now, I’m officially jumping ship.”

  Whilice turned and without another word to me, walked out of the room. When I heard his car start and then back out of the driveway, I went into the bathroom to take the shower I desperately needed. I stood stoic as the water cascaded over my body, and cried for allowing myself to fall in love.

  That night, alone in my bed, I thought about how my life was going to change. I’d lost my husband and I was possibly going to lose my girls. If anything, I would lose their trust and admiration. I cried myself to sleep that night and felt like a fool as I realized what I had irresponsibly been willing to lose.

  Pipe dreams.

  That’s all my hopes with Abe had ever been.

  Pipe dreams with no chance of ever becoming reality.

  Travis

  When Paul walked through my door I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I held back. We’d spoken on the phone a lot since the last time he’d put me in the hospital. As usual, he apologized for what he’d done, and expressed yet again how his lashing out had to do with his growing frustrations about wanting to come out of the closet, but not being able to.

  “It would ruin my career, Travis. All of the hard work and time I put into it, would be gone the minute I revealed my sexual preference. The relationships with my contacts would suffer. I’d lose the respect of my peers. I just don’t want to go through that. These people know me as a hardworking, diligent, and reliable man. If I come out, they’ll stop seeing me in that light, and they won’t trust me.

  “But besides the people I work with, there’s also the matter of my family . . . especially my boys. You don’t know what it’s like to have sons looking up to you. I’m their idol, their role model. If I came out it would devastate them and I just can’t do that to them. I love them too much to cause them pain that way.”

  I felt for Paul.

  I really did.

  But like I’d told Randy, I was ready to make my ultimatum because quite frankly, I’d had enough of the sad song. If he wanted to be unhappy, then he could be unhappy without me. But if he wanted to live a life without shackles, then he would have to choose to make his great reappearance to the world. With either decision there’d be crosses to bear and someone would get hurt, because as far as I’d experienced, happiness never came free of charge. Like I said, I felt for him and his dilemma. But I was tired of being his whipping boy. It was time to truly become his man or just become his memory.

  After a few gentle kisses hello, we sat at my table where I had his favorite dish waiting—stewed chicken with rice and beans and salad on the side. He brought white Zinfandel. We ate over candlelight and music in near silence and when we were finished, we held hands and made small talk. I drank in his manly features, fearing for the first time a life without him. Was I truly prepared to deal with him choosing the closet and his coworkers and family over me? I’d invested so much into him.

  My time.

  My energy.

  My love.

  My blood.

  Damn it, I know his decision wasn’t an easy one to make, but wasn’t I worth it?

  I pulled my hand away from his.

  “Paul, I need to say something.”

  He smiled at me. “What’s up, queen?”

  I blushed. I loved when he called me that.

  I took a deep breath and let it out. “I’m not going to beat around the bush. I need you to make a decision. Either me or the closet.”

  Paul’s smiled immediately disappeared. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean I can’t go on being your secret anymore. I’m tired of it. I want all of you, not a third. I don’t want to be your part-time lover anymore. I want you to come out of the closet. If you can’t, then I’m moving on.”

  “Travis, we’ve discussed this already. I have a wife and sons who look up to me. I have my reputation as a man. Damn it, my job and life are stressful enough as it is. I’m tired of going over this with you again and again. You’re supposed to help me escape my problems, not cause more.”

  “I’m not trying to cause you more problems, Paul. I just want to be fair to myself and fair to you.”

  “Fair to me? How the hell is you giving me an ultimatum being fair?”

  “Don’t think of it as an ultimatum. Think of it as me giving you a chance to be truly happy.”

  Paul laughed. “That’s really funny, Travis.”

  “There’s so much more that I could give you, Paul, if you’d just open that door and let the world know who you are.”

  He stoo
d from the table. “I know who the hell I am.”

  I slammed my palm down on the tabletop. “Then be with me!”

  “I’m tired of this shit, Travis. I don’t need this.”

  I shook my head. I had wanted to talk rationally about things, but at the rate we were going, things were going to get physical again. I didn’t want to go to the hospital but I couldn’t and wouldn’t back down.

  “Then what do you want to do, Paul? You want to leave? You want to give me up?”

  “You’re leaving me no choice.”

  “Fine. Since it’s that easy for you.”

  “It’s not easy. But neither is coming out.”

  “Well, don’t worry about that anymore. You’ve obviously made your damn decision.”

  “Don’t raise your voice at me, Travis.”

  “Oh, don’t worry Paul, I won’t. Believe me, I don’t want to go to the hospital again.”

  “I wasn’t threatening you.”

  “You don’t have to!”

  I stood up with tears threatening to brim in my eyes. I clenched down on my jaws and fought them back down, determined to not break down and cry in front of him. I took a breath to compose myself as my hands were shaking out of fear and anger. “Paul, before we go down our familiar road again, why don’t you just get your things and leave. As a matter of fact, let me get your coat for you.”

  I walked away from the table and walked slowly to the closet. It was over. I’d given him a choice, he made it, and now it was over. I grabbed his coat and was taking it off of the hanger, when I noticed his wallet fall from his pocket to the floor. I picked it up and looked over my shoulder at Paul, who was swallowing down the rest of his wine. He hadn’t seen anything. I looked at the wallet and then back at him, and then slid it into my pocket.

  “Here,” I said, tossing his coat to him.

  “Travis, why don’t we talk about this?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about. You made your decision and now I’m making mine. Get out.” I walked to the door and opened it.

  “Just like that?”

  “Just like you made it,” I said.

  “I pay for this apartment you have, you know?”