In Too Deep

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  I sucked my teeth and pursed my lips. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave.”

  “I’m not asking you to leave.”

  “Well then, I’ll get a job and pay the rent my damn self.”

  “Can you just give me some time?”

  “You’ve had enough, and now it’s expired. Good-bye.”

  “Your loss,” Paul said, walking past me.

  I slammed the door shut and then dug in my pants pocket and removed the wallet. “We’ll see who loses what,” I said opening it and eyeing a wad of twenty-dollar bills.

  I pocketed all fifteen that were in there and was about to pocket the few gold and platinum credit cards he had also, when I paused and thought about what I was doing. When the wallet initially fell, I’d made up my mind that I was going to take whatever was in it and take myself on a very nice shopping spree. But as I looked at the cash and cards, I thought about how easily Paul had walked away from me, and realized for the first time that he never truly loved me. If he had, he would have never been able to let go of what we had—or at least what I thought we had.

  With the light having finally broken through the black clouds, I decided right then and there that I didn’t want anything else from him. I took the cards and went to my window and threw them out, and watched them fall twelve floors to the street below to be found. I’m sure someone could put them to good use.

  I won’t lie . . . I did keep the cash. I was done with him, but that was three hundred dollars!

  I tore up the rest of the miscellaneous papers in the wallet and removed his license to rip up and throw away also. But before I did, I took a quick glance at it; I just wanted to see his face one last time. However, my quick glance turned into a very long, unbelieving, bewildered stare. I opened and closed my eyes, thinking that maybe I’d seen something wrong. But I hadn’t.

  Monique

  My cell phone rang again, making it the third time in the past three hours it had done that. I looked at ID screen; just like the last time, Randy’s number was there. He just wouldn’t give up. I grabbed my phone and thought about answering it. I missed him badly. Maybe just one time I would speak to him.

  Maybe.

  But before I could answer it, the call ended. I put the phone down and went back to doing the reminiscing I was doing before the call. That’s all I seemed to be doing lately.

  Thinking about old times with Randy and Jalisa.

  Thinking about the happiness they brought to me.

  Thinking about the way they made me smile.

  Thinking about the completion I felt when I was with them.

  Thinking about the future that I envisioned.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about any of those things and more, and honestly, I didn’t want to stop. I sighed and promised myself that the next time he called I would answer, because it was time to stop thinking. An hour later the phone rang again and I didn’t hesitate.

  “What do you want, Randy?” I said with attitude; I was ready to give us another chance, but I wasn’t about to make it easy for him.

  “Hi, Monique!”

  “Jalisa?”

  “Yup,” she answered back sweetly.

  A smile immediately formed from my lips. “How are you, little lady?”

  “Fine. I miss you.”

  “I miss you too,” I said.

  “How come you don’t live here anymore? Did I do something wrong?”

  I sighed. I’d been meaning to say good-bye to her, or at least try to explain things in a way she would understand, but because I didn’t want to see Randy and because I couldn’t bring myself to finalize anything, I’d never called. I wiped tears away from my eyes.

  “Are you there, Monique?”

  “I’m here, baby.”

  “Are you crying?”

  I smiled and nodded my head. She was so perceptive. “Yes I am.”

  “Why? Did I do something?”

  “No, no. Never, Jalisa. I’m crying because I’m happy. I’ve missed you so much.”

  Jalisa giggled, melting my heart. “Are you coming back home?”

  “I don’t know. I have to talk to your father.”

  “Daddy says you’re mad at him. He says he did the wrong things. I told him to do the right thing like you and Daddy always told me to do.”

  “Did he follow your advice?” I asked.

  “I don’t think so, because you’re not here.”

  “Is your daddy there?”

  There was a pause and then Jalisa said, “Yup.”

  “Can I speak to him?”

  There was another pause, and this time I heard Jalisa whisper loudly, “She wants to speak to you.” Then she put the receiver back to her mouth. “Yup. Monique, are you coming over?”

  “I don’t know, baby.”

  There was another pause as Jalisa consulted her adviser. “Can you come over?” she asked.

  I smiled. Very clever.

  “Let me talk to your father first.”

  “Pleeeeease? Pretty pleeeeeeeeease!”

  I smiled and wiped more tears away. How could I have said no to an angel like that?

  “Okay, I’ll come over.”

  “Today?”

  “Yup.”

  “Yaaay! She’s coming, Daddy. She’s coming!”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “Put your daddy on for me now, honey.”

  “Okay. Bye. See you when you get here!”

  I heard a muffling noise as Randy covered the phone with his palm. A few seconds later, he said, “Hey.”

  Goose bumps rose at the sound of his voice. It felt good to hear it live and not on a message.

  “That was low, using Jalisa like that.”

  “I had no choice. I miss you.”

  I couldn’t lie. “I miss you too.”

  “Did you get my messages?”

  “All fifteen hundred of them.”

  “So you know that nothing happened between Tina and me?”

  “That’s what you say.”

  “It’s the truth. I never asked for her to come over.”

  “Randy, I really don’t want to go into that again.”

  “Jalisa wants to know what time you’re coming over.”

  “Tell Jalisa I will be there at seven o’clock.”

  “She wants to know if you can make it eight?”

  I smiled and wiped away a new wave of happy tears.

  “Tell her eight o’clock will be fine.”

  I hung up the phone and went upstairs to get ready. I also packed an overnight bag.

  Abe

  After my bout with Taki I stopped at the flower shop on my way home and bought a bouquet of roses for Nakyia. I was feeling good. I’d saved my job and I’d shown Taki that she didn’t have control over everything. I didn’t mind that Brian now knew about my affair with her. He and I were in the same boat: we were men and we had needs. Besides, I had a feeling the “camaraderie” could help me out in the future. My meeting with him lasted for two hours. It took a half hour to go over my situation; the rest of the time was spent bullshitting about women and golf. We had a lot more in common than I realized. We both had a weakness for fine women, we both loved Escalades, and someday when we grew up, we wanted to be just like Tiger Woods. I also found out that he didn’t really respect Taki.

  “She’s a nice piece of scenery to look at, and it’s cheaper than having a man in her position.”

  I pulled into the driveway, cut the engine and looked myself over in the mirror, checking for signs of Taki. Once I was satisfied that everything was cool, I grabbed the flowers and headed inside. Nakyia had been having a hard time with her neuralgia lately, and I wanted to try and do something to ease the stress from her mind. I wanted to take her out to eat, but I knew she wouldn’t go for that. I figured a bouquet of long-stemmed red roses would help to bring a smile.

  “Hey lady,” I said, closing the door behind me. Nakyia was sitting on the couch on her laptop.

  She looked up after a spasm of pain passe
d. “Hey yourself, handsome. Are those for me?”

  I walked over to her and handed her the roses. “For my queen.” I gave her a kiss on her forehead.

  She put the laptop aside and got up from the couch, taking the roses into the kitchen. She came back a few seconds later and wrapped her arms around me and planted her lips on mine. I immediately pulled back.

  “What are you doing? Are you trying to have another spasm of pain?”

  “I’ve been having a good day,” she said with a smile. “I miss kissing you. Don’t hold back.”

  She pulled me back toward her and kissed me again, and I instantly became erect. If there was one thing that Nakyia never failed to do, it was excite me. I pulled her down to the floor and removed the T-shirt and shorts she was wearing. I paused for a moment to admire her body. She didn’t go to the gym religiously like Taki did, but her body was no less spectacular. I traced her curves with my fingertips, making bumps rise from her skin. Nakyia moaned in a way I hadn’t heard her in a long while. She began to touch herself as I caressed her breasts with my hands and tongue. I watched her performance and felt compelled to join her. After I removed my clothing, I did. We continued with our self-indulgence until Nakyia said, “Fuck me, Abraham.”

  Taking advantage of her good day, I did as she requested, and fucked her on the floor. I savored the feel of her beneath me as we moved in time to a muted melody. After a few minutes, Nakyia climbed on top of me and began to ride. Looking down at me, she whispered breathlessly, “Thrust harder.”

  I did.

  “Push deeper!” she insisted.

  I did.

  “Fuck me faster!” she moaned.

  I moved like the Tasmanian Devil on speed.

  I followed her every command silently, and enjoyed the moment of uninhibited passion we shared. It had been too long since we had made love like that. I moaned along with her as goose bumps rose from my skin. We danced our dance until we both exploded, Nakyia first, and then me. When we were finished, we lay spent on the floor in each other’s arms.

  After a few minutes of satisfied silence, she said, “That was incredible.”

  “You were incredible.”

  “I want to make love like that all the time,” she said softly.

  “I wish we could.”

  “We’ll be able to soon.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Nakyia lifted her head and stared at me. “I’m tired of having this nerve problem. I’m tired of the pain, tired taking the medicine. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not normal.”

  “Baby, you are normal.”

  “I don’t feel like it, Abe. I can’t do what the average person can do without having to suffer. I’m twenty-eight years old and I can’t enjoy simple things like talking or eating. It’s like I’m handicapped, only I don’t have a sign.”

  “Baby, I know it’s not easy, but what can you do? You can’t stop taking the medication.”

  “Honey, I want to have the microvascular decompression procedure done.”

  “I thought we’d ruled that out.”

  “I know we discussed it, but I’ve been doing a lot of research on it. It’s my only chance at having a normal life.”

  “But, Nakyia, what about the risks? You could lose hearing in your ear, the right side of your face could be numb forever, or worse, you could have a stroke and die.”

  “Honey, I know all about the risks and their probabilities, but that doesn’t change my mind. I can’t deal with this anymore. This nerve problem has disrupted my life in so many ways. Worst of all, it’s disrupted us. I want to be able to make love like that all the time. But I want to be able to do it without wondering in the back of my head when the pain is going to hit me. I want to be able to go out with you again and not have to worry about how I look in public. I want you to not have to worry about holding back with me.”

  “Are you sure about this? I mean, for all intentional purposes, this is brain surgery we’re talking about.”

  “I’ve already made my appointment and I have a plane ticket leaving for Pittsburgh, PA in three days to meet with the specialist to discuss when I can have the surgery done.”

  I nodded my head. “I’ll get my ticket tomorrow.”

  Nakyia shook her head. “No. I want to go alone. Like they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

  “True.”

  She gave me a kiss and rose from the floor and grabbed her clothing. “You know, after the surgery, life is going to change dramatically. It’ll be a time to be happy again.” She smiled and then headed upstairs.

  I remained on the floor for a few minutes as I thought about the reality of her being without the disorder. My affair with Taki surfaced because of the neuralgia. Now, after experiencing some of the wildest and freakiest sex I’d ever had, would I be able to walk away from Taki and the convenience of having the one I loved at home and the one I fucked whenever I wanted? Although being with Taki was a risk and she did have feelings for me, I couldn’t deny that I was hooked on what she was willing to give and do.

  My train of thought was broken when Nakyia called out my name. She wanted seconds and I didn’t mind obliging her at all. Today was certainly a good day. Maybe a lifetime of good days would be enough.

  Randy

  I didn’t know what to expect with Monique after I finally got Jalisa to go to bed. The night had been perfect so far. Just like I’d hoped, Jalisa had kept a smile on Monique’s face all night long. My little girl was genuinely thril-led to see her and before, during, and after dinner, and even on her way to bed, she filled Monique in on everything that had been going on in her pint-sized life. I didn’t say much, but rather sat silent and watched the natural interaction between the two loves of my life. Using Jalisa to help me get Monique to come over had been a brilliant move. Too bad I hadn’t thought of doing it sooner. Now that Jalisa was officially retired for the evening, I could only wonder what was going to happen next. I’d seen the overnight bag Monique had with her when she first arrived. I could only hope that it meant what I thought it meant.

  “Well, it took a trip to Toys “R” Us, but she finally agreed to let me tuck her in,” I said, coming back into the living room.

  Sitting on the couch, Monique smiled. “I missed her. I didn’t realize how much until tonight. I’m glad I came over.”

  After putting on a Jazz by the Fireside CD, I sat down beside her. “So does that mean that you’re not mad at me?”

  Monique looked at me. “Oh, I’m still mad at you. Don’t get it twisted.”

  “Baby, I apologize for everything that’s happened. I’m sorry about letting Tina interfere with our lives the way she did. I’m sorry that I never put her in her place the way I should have. I wanted to protect Jalisa, but I never stopped to realize that she never needed the protection. You were right—she could handle it.”

  “Oh, I know I was right. Randy, believe me, I admire what you were trying to do. I know that you meant well, but kids today don’t need the protection like they used to. They’re smarter than when we were kids and they’re more grown. Unfortunately, kids growing up with estranged parents has become commonplace. Nowadays it’s better for them to know and see the truth for what it is. Believe me—whether you showed it or not—Jalisa’s always known that you and Tina can’t get along.”

  I sighed. “Yeah, I know. Look Monique, I fucked up.”

  “Damn right you fucked up,” she snapped. “I may have moved out, but this was still my home, and to know that you had that bitch in here doing God knows what . . .” She paused and squeezed her eyes tightly. I wanted to reassure her again that nothing happened, but kept silent. She opened her eyes and continued. “I wanted to slap the shit out of that bitch. Hell, I should have. I should have slapped you too. The only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t want to take the chance that Jalisa would be witness to anything. I didn’t want to do that to her again.”

  “Monique, believe me, after all the calls I made to you, the last
thing I wanted was for you to come and see that. I love you. All I want is for us to be back together again. I’m not the same without you. I don’t have the same focus, the same desire. If Jalisa weren’t here I would have jumped off of the Empire State Building by now.”

  “Oh, would you now?” Monique said with a smile.

  I kept a straight face. “No. Make that the Eiffel Tower. The Empire State Building’s not tall enough.”

  We shared a laugh and then got serious again. I looked at her with intense eyes. “Baby, I want you back where you belong.”

  “Where’s that, Randy?”

  “Here with me.”

  I kept my eyes locked on hers. Short of getting on my knees and reciting Babyface lyrics, I’d given it my best shot and didn’t know what else to say. Monique didn’t avert her gaze from mine as a saxophone crooned softly in the background.

  “Randy,” she finally said. “I’m going to be honest with you. I love you, and I do feel that my place is here with you. I want a future with you. But I don’t want that if you don’t have the balls to stand up to Tina. I don’t deserve to be disrespected by her or any other bitch. Not in our home. Not anymore. Are you listening to what I’m saying? Do you understand what I’m getting at?”

  I nodded my head and took her hand in mine. “Baby, I do understand. And I can assure you that things won’t be the same. Tina knows what’s up because I spoke to her.”

  “I don’t want you to just speak to her, Randy! I want her ignorant ass to know her place.”

  I kissed Monique’s knuckles and pulled her closer to me. She was reluctant at first, but eventually gave in. I kissed her gently on her forehead, and then I moved to her eyelids and nose, and finally worked my way down to her lips, where I paused. With my lips inches away from hers, I whispered, “I hope that bag you brought has your toothbrush.”

  Monique smiled and slit her eyes a fraction. “I guess you’ll have to wait and find out.”

  We kissed again and then rose from the couch. That night we made slow, undying love. For the first time in a long while I didn’t need to dream.

  Abe