TJ

by SJ McCoy

  “How did you get into journalism?” He regretted the question as soon as he’d asked it, but his curiosity got the better of him.

  “By accident.” She met his gaze. “I wasn’t bullshitting you when I said it’s my job; it’s not who I am.”

  “Yeah, I get that now. In fact, it doesn’t seem like who you are at all, which is why I wondered how you got into it.”

  “It’s a job, and I didn’t have one. After college I couldn’t find anything in Carmel or Monterey—at least not anything I wanted to do. I worked a couple of jobs, waitressing.” She smiled. “I did a stint in an office, but I was bored silly. I tried all kinds of things, but none of them were going anywhere and the money was terrible. Alan’s a friend of my dad’s, and after Matt, well, I think he wanted to do whatever he could to help. He offered me a job; I still wonder if he did it so my folks didn’t have to have me around. I was still living at home, and I know it was hard for them to see me every day and know that they’ll never see Matt again.”

  TJ went to sit on her lounger and put his arm around her shoulders. “Even if they felt that way, it wasn’t because of you, you know. Everyone reacts differently to grief. They still love you.”

  She sniffed and turned away. “I know. I wasn’t …” She shrugged and looked back at him. “I get it, for them. They deal however they can, and I feel selfish that I still needed them, but I’m out in the cold.”

  TJ hugged her into his side. “I’m sorry.” There was nothing else he could say. He knew the dynamics of grief were unpredictable. There was no right and wrong. Everyone coped in the ways they could, and someone usually got hurt in the process.

  “It is what it is.” She lifted her palms in the air. “I know they love me, and I love them. But life isn’t fair, is it? That’s not a complaint, it’s just the truth. When you know life isn’t fair, you stop expecting it to be, and then it doesn’t hurt so much when it’s not.”

  TJ nodded. “You’re a wise woman, Dani. Most people never learn that.”

  She smiled. “Sometimes I wish I hadn’t learned it. But it beats crying and stamping my feet and railing at the injustices of life. Shit happens—once you accept that, you can decide how to make the best of things anyway. It sucks, but it’s better than sitting around bitching and whining about how shit shouldn’t have happened in the first place.”

  “I know. I couldn’t agree more.”

  She raised an eyebrow at him.

  “What?”

  “I probably shouldn’t ask, but I’m going to; have you accepted all the injustices you’ve witnessed?”

  He pursed his lips. He didn’t know what to say, because he didn’t know if he had. Was he angry about the way so many of his friends had died? Absolutely. Did he accept that he couldn’t change it? Mostly. Did he still rail against the unfairness of life? Sometimes. He met her gaze. “I think on a conscious level I accept it, but the subconscious, the emotion? They take time to catch up. I’m not sure I’ll ever truly accept some of it.”

  She nodded. “I’m sorry I asked, but I wanted to know. That’s how I see you. You’re mentally strong enough to deal with what you’ve been through—and what you’ve seen your friends go through, but the damage is done—that doesn’t just heal because you can give yourself logical explanations.”

  He nodded. She’d summed it up better than he could.

  “Anyway. Do you want to swim again? I didn’t mean to take us down a dark path.” She got up and dived in.

  As he watched her lithe body disappear into the water, he wished she’d stayed. If he was ever going to go down a dark path, he’d like to be holding her hand as he went.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “So, what do you think?” Dani stood over Alan’s desk as he finished reading her article on the bachelor auction.

  He nodded. “I would have preferred to have had it yesterday, but since you were busy this weekend, I guess Tuesday isn’t too late.”

  She made a face. “You said I had until Wednesday.”

  “I did, but you usually work through the weekend to get a big story finished and to me by Monday.”

  She stared at him. She wasn’t going to rise to it. He wanted to know—or thought he knew and wanted to hear from her—why she’d been busy at the weekend.

  He nodded, as if conceding. “You’ve done a good job of it. You’ve given some great insight into Oscar and Grace’s relationship—I have to admit. I’d like to meet them after reading it.”

  She smiled. That was high praise indeed coming from Alan. He usually dismissed Oscar as someone he wouldn’t want to know.

  He looked up at her and slid his glasses down his nose, so he could see her over the top of them. “I wasn’t expecting that, and I doubt our readers will be either. Oscar is one of those men people love to hate, and the general consensus seems to be that Grace is a gold-digger.”

  Dani’s smile faded. She put her hands on her hips. “I know! But it’s not true and—”

  Alan held up a hand to stop her. “And, if you’d let me finish, I was about to say, that sometimes it’s nice to be able to prove the general consensus wrong. I think this is one of those times. The public love to hate Oscar—they don’t hate him, they envy him. He comes across as likeable, but they disapprove of his ways.”

  “His old ways.” Dani could hardly believe she was defending Oscar.

  Alan chuckled. “Exactly. I think readers will feel the same way about the change in him as you do. You didn’t have a good word for him before this assignment.”

  She nodded.

  “But you’ve shown who Grace is—she’s a good woman. And everyone likes to see a bad boy change his ways for the love of a good woman,”

  Dani smiled happily. “You got all that from reading it?”

  “I did. I told you Dani, you’re good.”

  “Thank you. I enjoyed writing this one. And.” She hesitated. She was going to tell him, but she knew he wasn’t going to like it. “I’m going to run it by Grace before I give you my final version.”

  Alan frowned. “We don’t do that, Dani, and you know it.”

  “I do, but in this case …”

  He shook his head. “We write what we think; we don’t show it to them for them to censor it.”

  “I know, and now that you’ve read it, you know there’s nothing in there that she or Oscar would want censored. I just want to reassure them. That’s all.”

  Alan took his glasses off and set them down on his desk. “Reassure them, or reassure TJ?”

  She rolled her eyes. She’d known he’d ask about TJ before she could get out of here. “All of them.”

  “Okay. If it’s going to keep things sweet in your love life, then I won’t stand in the way, but there will be no changes to the story.”

  Dani nodded and breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn’t worried about Grace or Oscar wanting to change the story. All she’d been concerned about was keeping her word to Grace that she’d show it to her before publication—even though she shouldn’t. Well, that and the fact that she hadn’t talked to TJ since he’d dropped her off on Sunday night, and she wanted him to know that there wasn’t anything about him in there either. She’d covered the auction but had deliberately not focused on the individual bachelors and their winning bidders. She’d included the photo of Terry and Barbara Holmes in the hopes that it would be used, but that was all. She would have loved to have written more about Terry, but since she hadn’t written anything about TJ, she couldn’t write much about any of them. “Thanks, Alan.”

  He put his glasses back on. “It worked out okay. But don’t kid yourself. I’m expecting more story about you and the Davenports, and don’t forget, you promised me an exclusive.”

  She laughed. “I don’t think that’ll ever happen.”

  Alan gave her a skeptical look. “Close the door on your way out.”

  ~ ~ ~

  “Do you want to take the lead on this book drive?” asked G
race.

  TJ nodded slowly. “Probably. I’d like to see Daquan do it. It’s his idea, but …” He leaned back in his chair and looked at Grace across her desk. “What do you think?”

  She held his gaze for a moment. “I’d love to see him step up and do it, but we both know what he’s like.”

  TJ mulled it over. He’d been wrestling with the idea ever since Daquan had first come up with it. The guy was full of creative ideas, but follow-through wasn’t his forte. He had the enthusiasm, but when he hit roadblocks, he shut down. He disappeared back into his books. Up until a couple of months ago, he used to hit the bottle hard and disappear from the center for a few days or weeks when life threw him a curveball. Recently, he’d been doing better; he wasn’t turning to the booze anymore. He just went back into his shell, put his nose in a book and zoned out.

  “Grace was watching him. “What do you think?”

  He shrugged. “It could be great for him. It’d give him some responsibility and accountability. It could be a huge boost if it goes well, but if it doesn’t …”

  “Yeah, that’s what worries me. I don’t want to set him back. So, how do we work it?”

  “How about this—I’ll say I’m taking the lead, but I don’t have time—and that’s not a lie. So, I’ll ask Daquan to be my second-in-charge. I’ll let him take the lead, and he won’t have the pressure of it all being on his shoulders. He’ll have me as a backup when any issues arise, and he can run with it and take the credit for what goes well.”

  Grace smiled at him. “You know them all so well, don’t you? You know what they need.”

  “I guess I do, but only because I can relate.”

  “How are you doing?”

  He nodded. “Better. This place helps. It puts things in perspective for me. I’m lucky compared to them—and when I get to feeling sorry for myself, they help me turn it around. Daquan told me something that really hit home the other day.”

  “What?”

  As soon as she asked, TJ wondered if he wanted to tell her. Then he smiled. Not telling her would just be another way of isolating himself. “He told me that I don’t help myself when I see myself as an outsider, separate, alone.”

  Grace looked puzzled.

  “I told him I’m not really one of them, because I still have family and a job and so much good in my life, but at the same time, I’m not really one of the family anymore because I’ve done so much and seen so much that you guys can’t relate to. He basically told me I need to turn it around; instead of making myself an island and feeling all alone, I can be the bridge between the two worlds.”

  “Wow, that’s deep.”

  “Isn’t it? And it’s spot on, too. How can I feel sorry for myself when I can do so much good? I can be a … translator, if you like.”

  “That’s a good word for it.”

  “It is.” He looked at his watch. He had loads of paperwork waiting for him, and he wanted to get most of it done before he met with Daquan and the other guys this afternoon about starting the book drive. “I should get back to it.”

  “Okay, and you’re good with figuring things out with Daquan?”

  “I am. I’ll have a word with Terry, too, tell him how I want to work it.”

  Grace smiled. “I think he runs the whole place really; he just lets us feel useful.”

  TJ had to laugh at that. She was right. Terry seemed to orchestrate most of what happened at the center and left the others feeling as though it had been their idea. “Has he said anything about Friday night?”

  Grace shook her head. “I asked him, but he avoided the topic completely. You mean he hasn’t said anything to you either?”

  “Nope. He kept turning it around on me—wanting to know about me and Dani.”

  Grace smiled. “He’s not the only one.”

  “I’m sure Oscar’s told you as much as he knows.”

  “Yeah. Sorry. He did. I didn’t mean to pry TJ. I just … Sorry.”

  He shook his head. “No, I am. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m not used to opening up—hell, I’m not used to having anything to open up about it, but …” He liked Grace. He respected her, and he trusted her. He couldn’t complain about not feeling part of his own family anymore if he was the one keeping them at arm’s-length. He smiled. “I like her. I don’t know what to do about it—or if I shouldn’t do anything. You’re almost my sister-in-law, have you got any sisterly advice?”

  Grace’s face softened. “Aww, Teej.”

  He laughed. “You know only Oscar and Reid get away with calling me that.”

  She laughed with him. “Yeah, and they’re you’re brothers. You just told me I’m as a good as a sister to you—and you know how much that means to me.”

  He did. Having grown up in foster care, he knew Grace had similar issues to him about belonging. He smiled. “I do.”

  “So, deal with it, Teej. And for what it’s worth, I think you should just go in eyes wide open and trust. Trust your heart, trust hers, and when your inner cynic tries to ruin everything for you, tell it to shut the fuck up. That’s what I did anyway, and it worked out okay for me.”

  He held her gaze for a long moment. “What if I was just asking for dating advice? I didn’t say anything about hearts.”

  She laughed. “That’s the kind of shit I’m talking about. Don’t hide—from yourself more than anyone. If you weren’t thinking of her as someone special, it wouldn’t matter—and you sure as hell wouldn’t be asking me for advice.”

  He gave her a rueful smile. “I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s just about dating, that Dani’s my first step back into a normal dating world.”

  Grace’s lips pressed into a narrow line.

  “I know, you’re right, I’m kidding myself, aren’t I?”

  She nodded, but still didn’t speak.

  “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

  “Nope. You know all the answers; I know you do. You’re just not ready to face them. I’m not going to drag you there. You see the possibility of something real with her—and it scares you shitless, right?”

  He nodded.

  “First, you need to figure out if you think she’s worth the risk, and if you decide she is, then you go back to the advice I gave you at first—dive in, trust, and be open to the possibility. Don’t screw it up by being ready to run the whole time.”

  “Thanks. I think she is worth it, but I don’t know if she’ll think I am.”

  Grace smiled. “Well, you need to find out, and I should warn you that your first chance to do that will be this afternoon.”

  His heart started to hammer in his chest. He hadn’t called her since Sunday because he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to see her before the weekend, but he didn’t want to admit that to her—or admit to himself why. “This afternoon?”

  “Yeah. She called a little while ago. She’s all done with the article on the auction, and she’s going to stop by around four. I told her you wouldn’t be here.”

  “But I’m not going …” He looked at her. “Why did you tell her that?”

  “So that she’d come, and so that you’d get the chance to decide if you wanted to be here or not.”

  “You think she wouldn’t have come if she knew I was here?”

  Grace laughed. “Calm down. I didn’t mean that. I just meant there’d be no pressure on either of you. I engineered a chance encounter if you want it.”

  TJ gave her a hard stare, but he couldn’t hide the smile behind it. “Are you interfering?”

  She laughed again. “Yes, I heard that’s what family does. But I had the best intentions, and I did build in an escape route if you want to take it.”

  He got up and went to the door. “Four, you said?”

  She nodded.

  He smiled. “I’ll still be here.”

  ~ ~ ~

  Dani parked down the road from the center at ten till four. Her heart was beating faster
than normal, and something in her tummy kept flipping over in what felt like excitement. She shouldn’t feel that way—Grace had told her that TJ wouldn’t be here. Part of her hoped that he wouldn’t. When he’d taken her home on Sunday, he’d said he’d call her on Friday to make arrangements for the weekend.

  She hadn’t expected to see or hear anything from him until then. And she was good with that. Whatever they were doing, it was something casual that didn’t require any non-essential communication between them. She laughed to herself. No chit-chat needed. Just call when they wanted to see each other. Like any of her other friends.

  She’d only agreed to come because Grace had told her he wouldn’t be here. She’d hate for him to think she was making a nuisance of herself. She wasn’t here because of him. She tried to remind herself of that as she checked herself over in the rearview mirror before she got out.

  She could have just emailed the article to Grace and asked for her thoughts, but Grace had asked her to come, and Dani liked her. So, why shouldn’t she come? There was a fine line to walk between not coming because of TJ and not staying away because of him. She’d gone with the latter. However things worked out between her and TJ, she had a feeling that she and Grace would become friends—and she liked that idea a lot.

  As she walked past the little lot where she’d first seen him sitting in the limo, she smiled. She could still picture his face. He’d looked curious and embarrassed at the same time. She wouldn’t have had him down as a klutz, but he’d managed to honk the horn while he was looking at her.

  “Dani!” She looked across the parking lot. Terry was waving to her from his wheelchair. He was sitting outside a door that she reckoned must be the back door of the center.

  She waved back with a smile. She couldn’t wait to show him the photo.

  “Come on over; you can come in this way.”

  She crossed the parking lot and smiled when she reached him. “Hi, Terry. It’s good to see you. How did your date go?”