Broken

by Robin Nadler

  She smiled and looked at him, realizing he sat far away from her. “Do you mind if I sit closer?”

  He shook his head that he didn’t.

  She moved to sit next to him and she reached up to touch his cheek. He held his breath at her closeness and it made him incredibly sad. His eyes filled and he took her hand in his, moving it away from him.

  “Lila, please don’t.”

  “Tell me what happened to you.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You need to. I won’t judge you, David. Please let me in.”

  He looked into her eyes and shrugged. “I told you there was an incident.”

  “Were you raped?”

  He looked at her with disgust. “No, I wasn’t raped. Men aren’t raped.”

  She felt her eyes fill at his reaction. “Sure they are, David. I have seen many.”

  He was stunned, “What do you mean?”

  “Men can be assaulted just like women can. Many of them have significant issues after and I have been involved in a few cases where my expertise was needed.”

  “There was no penetration. I wasn’t raped. It was a stupid incident that left me with problems.”

  “Okay,” she waited.

  “They tried to get me to give them sperm, but when they couldn’t, they tried different apparatuses to achieve the same thing. June got angry and she used some sort of needle to try and extract something, obviously having no knowledge of anything medical.”

  Lila felt sick. She knew he was making this seem much more innocent than it was and the image she had of him being put through something so horrific was heartbreaking. “You must have been in so much pain.”

  He looked at her and shrugged. “I was tied up and couldn’t move. I don’t remember much. I couldn’t see well and my head was messed up. The last thing she did was the worst and that caused irreparable damage. I woke up in the hospital a few days later.”

  She needed to know. “David, what did she do?”

  He wiped his eyes and tried to shake the image from his mind. “I’m not entirely sure, but she caused nerve damage.”

  Her mind was whirling, but right now, all that mattered was that he knew she cared. “Thank you for telling me all of this. I’m so sorry you went through such a horrible time.”

  “It is what it is. I guess I never cared about my future after that. I never wanted anyone to get close to me and I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be intimate again.”

  “What changed?”

  He looked at her. “I met you and it made me incredibly sad.” He saw her face fall and he shook his head. “No, that’s not what I mean. I was sad because it suddenly occurred to me that through all of this, maybe I was wrong. I was starting to feel things that I hadn’t felt before and it’s been terrible to know that I can never have that.”

  She took his hand in hers. “Why don’t you think you can have that? Is it because of my MS?”

  “What? No, I told you, I have nerve damage.”

  “Is that all?”

  “What kind of a question is that? That’s kind of a huge deal. I can’t have sex if I can’t have an erection. How can you not see what I’m trying to say,” he asked.

  “Because you’re wrong.”

  “What? You can’t know that.”

  She smiled. “Sure I can. It’s what I do. I can help you, but that’s beside the point. I need you to hear something. Can you listen to me without saying anything?”

  He nodded.

  She took a deep breath and thought carefully about how to proceed. “I think you’re an amazing man, David. You are gentle and tender and strong and confident. You are incredibly smart and funny and I find myself thinking and feeling things about you that are quite surprising to me.”

  He raised his eyebrows at her and she smiled.

  “Let me finish,” she sighed. “Before my diagnosis, I was incredibly shy. I would date, but I never really let it go farther because my work was always more important to me. I felt like if I was the best surgeon, I would have to gain the respect of my peers. I pushed myself so much that when my health began to fail, I was destroyed. I stayed inside my house and stopped eating and answering my phone. I gave up on my life and it was as if I was accepting my life was over.”

  David felt his eyes fill as he listened to her. His reaction was so similar to hers and he felt like he was hearing his own story.

  She looked at him and shrugged. “I didn’t go through what you did, and I don’t mean to make it seem like our experiences are at all similar, but I think you deserve the quality of life that will make you happy and I think I can help you.”

  “Lila, if you think I’m about to let you treat me, you are wrong. I can’t do that.”

  She stood up and crossed her arms. “I’ll try not to be offended by that, but just so you know, that’s terribly sexist.”

  He stood up and crossed his arms. “Fine, then let me examine you. You were going to be my patient, so let’s do it.”

  She rolled her eyes. “No way.”

  “Well that’s terribly sexist, too.”

  They stood there, staring at each other when David sat down. “I saw the best doctors, Lila. There’s nothing that can be done.”

  She walked over and sat down with him. “You haven’t seen the best. I’m the best there is. I understand you don’t want me touching you, but will you let me look at your records and recommend someone for you to see?”

  “It’s not that I don’t want you to touch me, Lila. I desperately want you to touch me, but not in a medical sense.”

  She smiled and ran her hand through his hair. “So can I try to help you without touching you?”

  “You’re touching me now,” he said, her hand in his hair.

  “Oh, sorry,” she took her hand away.

  “No, don’t stop. I haven’t been touched in so long.”

  She smiled and looked at her hands. “Thank you.”

  “For what?” He tucked her hair behind her ear.

  “For looking at me like that. For making me feel pretty, despite you seeing me like this, so sick.”

  “You are beautiful, Lila.”

  “And you are amazing,” she said and yawned.

  They both laughed and he stood up. “You need to go lie down. You’ve only been home for a short time.”

  She looked at him and took a chance. “Will you sit with me for a while? I don’t think I want to be alone.”

  “I would love to,” he followed her into her room and she crawled on the bed. He sat next to her and she lay in his arms.

  “Do you really think you can help me?” he whispered.

  She looked up at him and rubbed his chest. “Do you want to be helped?”

  His chin quivered. “I do.”

  “That’s the smartest thing you’ve said since I met you,” she grinned.

  “Nice,” he smiled.

  “I will help you. But first I need to rest,” she said.

  “Okay. I’ll allow it.”

  They both grinned and closed their eyes.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven:

  David opened his eyes and realized he had fallen asleep while in Lila’s bed. He looked and saw her asleep next to him, snuggled against his chest, her arm over his waist. He felt tears come to his eyes as he realized how he had longed for this feeling, this closeness, even though it was innocent and they were both fully clothed. He knew it was more than just being close; it was Lila. He was falling hard for her and it was so unexpected and so unlike him, that he found it exciting and heartbreaking at the same time. She may think she could help him, but he knew different. He was lost in thought when Lila shot up.

  “What is it?” he sat up quickly.

  She looked around and he could see the terror in her eyes.

  “Lila, what is it? What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I just had a dream or something. I’m fine,” she said softly.

  He raised his eyebrows at her. “That seemed like more than a dream. Why don�
��t you tell me about it?”

  She looked at him and tears spilled down her cheeks.

  He pulled her to him and held her while she cried. She was stiff at first, but then she melted against him and wrapped her arms around him.

  “You’re going to be okay. You’re safe here,” he spoke softly to her and rubbed her back.

  Lila backed away and wiped her face. “I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed,” she smiled and stood up.

  He shook his head. “Why are you sorry? Or embarrassed for that matter?”

  She sat down and faced him. “You have been amazing to me, David. I don’t want to appear needy or so messed up that I scare you away. I just have moments where the fear creeps in and I feel like I’m drowning. I have this dream and it comes and goes, but it’s so real. I just need to keep my head on straight and get over it.”

  “What is the dream about?”

  She rubbed her arms. “It’s not important.”

  “Right, so I can tell you the intimate details of my life but you are allowed to stay quiet?” He spoke with a bit more anger than he meant.

  “No, but our situations are a bit different.”

  “How so?”

  “David, I had a dream, it was just that, a dream. I leaned on you and I shouldn’t have. I don’t want to go into it any deeper than that,” she said and got up, walking into the other room.

  He sighed as he followed her. “I’m going to head home. Will you be okay alone?”

  She nodded. “Of course. Thank you for staying.”

  He grabbed his things and went to leave.

  “David?”

  He stopped and turned to her. “Yeah?”

  “I would like to look at your chart in the morning. Is that okay?”

  He nodded, “I’ll leave a note for them to give you privileges.”

  “Can I see you again tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll call you, okay?” he felt his body screaming at him to say something else.

  “No problem. Goodbye.”

  He walked out and closed the door. Lila walked over and locked it, letting her tears fall. This was a mess.

  David walked to his car and took a deep breath. This was a problem. He sat down and put the key in the ignition. He had to get her out of his head. It was for the best.

  *****

  Lila made her way to her office the next morning, trying to stay out of sight of most people. She shouldn’t be back at work yet and she was only there to see David’s chart. She had been up most of the night, tossing and turning, and she wanted to call him, but the way he left made it clear to her that he needed some space. She could do that.

  “Lila! I didn’t expect to see you for another week at least,” Paul said. Paul was Lila’s assistant and was in his final year of residency. He was nice and eager to learn, but Lila found him to be a tad patronizing, especially to some of the elderly patients.

  “Hi Paul. I’m not here to work, just catch up on some research I was thinking about,” she smiled, not interested in sharing anything else with him.

  “Can I help?”

  “No thank you. I would just like some time alone in my office. I’ll be back next week full time,” she smiled as she opened her office door.

  “Okay, have a good day,” Paul said and Lila closed her door.

  She went to her desk and sat down, the walk to her office taking a lot out of her. She knew her lungs weren’t up to full capacity yet, and she had to park farther than she would have liked. She was also chilled, so she pulled on her sweater and turned on her tiny coffee maker. She put her cell phone on the table and sat down at the computer.

  ******

  David looked up from his desk and smiled when he saw Susan bring in lunch for him.

  “You know, I don’t think making me lunch is in your job description,” he rubbed his eyes.

  Susan raised her eyebrows, “Do you want me to take it back?”

  “God no,” he pulled the sandwich out of the bag. “Did you make meatloaf?”

  “I did,” she grinned as he tore into the fresh bread. She enjoyed cooking and she knew how David was struggling with things lately. She thought he looked a little thinner and she needed to fatten him up.

  “Is there any more left?” He asked as he chewed.

  “There is a care package in your fridge, just remember to take it home.”

  He grinned, “You’re the best.”

  “I know.” They both laughed and she stood up. “You have one more appointment for the day, so relax until then. Maybe a phone call would be a good way to pass the time?”

  He rolled his eyes. “Point taken.”

  “I’m just saying,” she grinned and walked out.

  David finished his sandwich and sighed. He went to pick up his phone when it rang. Startled, he looked at the number and answered.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi David, it’s Lila.”

  He didn’t like how out of breath she sounded. “Are you okay?”

  She smiled. “I just did a little too much walking, but I’m good. I know you said you would call me, and I don’t mean to be pushy, but I hoped I could talk to you about some things”

  “You’re not pushy and you can always call.”

  Her whole body felt warm as his voice ran through her. “Are you going to be in your office for awhile? I can come down there.”

  “I have one more patient and then I’m free, but I don’t want you to walk so far. I can come to you.”

  “I don’t want you to go to any trouble,” she said.

  “Lila, please, I will come to you. Where is your office?”

  She gave him directions to where on the Urology floor she was and then hung up. She walked over to the couch in her office and lay down for a bit.

  ******

  David made his way to her office about an hour later and his stomach was in knots. He was still so embarrassed about everything and the fact that she had looked at the most intimate parts of his attack just made him sweat. He knew it was just the medical report, but he had a hard time handling all of this. He also knew what she would say and it wouldn’t be good.

  “Excuse me, can I help you?” A man stood in front of David, stopping him.

  “No thanks, I’m good,” David said, eyeing the shorter man and wondering what he was doing.

  “This part of the hall is for researchers,” the man said.

  “Excuse me? I am a doctor in this hospital and I have full privileges. Who are you?”

  “We weren’t expecting anyone,” he said.

  David didn’t like this guy and even more so, he got a creepy feeling from him. “Look, I don’t know who you are and I don’t know who you are referring to by ‘we’. I have a meeting with Dr. Frankel, and if you will excuse me, I would like to see her.”

  “Lila didn’t say she was meeting anyone. She isn’t even here seeing patients.”

  “Look,” David looked at the nametag, “Paul, I need you to get out of my way.”

  Paul crossed his arms and David stifled a laugh. They both looked up as Lila stepped out of her office.

  “What’s going on?”

  “I was trying to come see you, but your bodyguard wouldn’t let me pass,” David said snidely.

  “I don’t recall him having an appointment,” Paul said.

  Lila was angry, “Paul, if you have a question about a case, feel free to ask, but in the future, my personal and professional life is none of your concern.”

  “I’m sorry Dr. Frankel, but I was concerned for your safety,” he said meekly.

  “Why? What is that supposed to mean?” Lila asked.

  David noticed her breathing was shallow.

  “Your health isn’t great, and I don’t want you to have a setback,” Paul said.

  David looked at him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  Lila put her hand up and stopped David. “Paul, I think maybe you should work with Dr. Handly for the next few days. I am all set on my own.”
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br />   She looked at David and smiled. “My office is right here,” she motioned and began to walk when Paul grabbed her arm.

  “Lila, wait,” he said.