Nuklear Age

by Clevinger, Brian

  “I think I want the lobster back.”

  “My people were divided into two opposing camps, two schools of thought, each meant to reunite us but serving only to splinter us forever. I am the only survivor of this eternal conflict, thus one ideology finally proved its worth over the other.” Anne fidgeted nervously. “But I must confess, I do not know which one.”

  “Yours,” Atomik Lad answered with a yawn.

  “That’s just it. We haven’t known which side we fought for, not for generations, I believe. We only knew the Other was the Enemy and they were a constant threat to our way of life because they were different. But which faction defended which theory of Spiderversal Complementation, I cannot answer.” Her many shoulders slumped. “We placed all we knew to be evil on you, but it was truly within ourselves.”

  Atomik Lad slipped out of the covers and stretched. “Sounds like an identity crisis.” He scratched his belly. “Which I suppose I can understand. I lost my parents so long ago, and then I had to grow up at light speed to take care of Nuke and defend the city against constant villain attacks. There never really was time to ask myself what I was doing, if I was happy with it, or if it was even the right thing to do. I mean, who am I to say who is a villain? In another world I might be some kind of heartless murdering dictator. Maybe I really am.”

  He began pacing back and forth quickly as he talked. “Maybe Menace and the others are trying to effect some much needed social incentives. Maybe I’m hindering progress and in a hundred years me and Nuke will be scorned in history books as forces of rampant and unstoppable evil. I was just a kid, you accept the reality you’re told, how was I supposed to know about all the implications of this hero business? It’s not like that in the comic books. It’s not until you grow up that you learn everyone’s a borderline psycho and there is no right or wrong, only an amorphous gray blob that almost takes a shape when you see it from the corner of your eye but then completely escapes definition when viewed head-on. I’m glad I can help so many people, but I never feel quite right.

  “Why me? Why am I the one? It’s not so bad, I guess, but sometimes I’d like to live like other people, in a house. In the city. Go to work. I’m trying to do my best, but what if it isn’t good enough? But even worse, what if I’m wrong?” The pacing stopped. He turned and faced Anne who still sat on the covers. “But the most compelling question this whole episode raises is: Why does my subconscious feel it necessary to bring these issues to light through the mouthpiece of a little spider?”

  Anne eyed and eyed and eyed and eyed etc. Atomik Lad. “Wait. You’re not Anti-Arachnor.”

  “Hm?”

  “The Ancient Texts describe him as being fantastically enormous, whereas you are merely considerably huge.”

  Atomik Lad scratched his chin.

  “Plus, it specifically mentions that he’s a blond. You are not.”

  “So is my subconscious telling me that my issues are really centered on Nuke? That he’s the source of my identity anxiety? That makes sense. When we first met, well that was a rather stressful time in my life, what with my Atomik Field killing my parents and all. Maybe I repressed some memories. I think I read a myth about how spiders spun webs to catch memories and when they ate them, that’s how people forgot things. That could explain why you’re a spider.”

  Anne’s Hover Drive had already taken her back to the Danger: Floor. “That’s good. I’m outta here.” The Danger: Door fwooshed behind her and she was gone.

  Atomik Lad flopped back into bed. “My dreams are usually so boring.”

  __________

  Anne wandered the silvery wasteland of the Danger: Living Room. Time became meaningless as she stalked through the darkness. My people failed. Their petty arrogance and jealousies fractured them, then set them against one another. Their one great mission for Unity has ended in solitude. Bah! I speak of them as though I am better than they were, as though I am somehow immune to fault because I survived them. I lived because of chance. And my quest, my personal voyage for vengeance ended in miserable failure with some neurotic biped beast god. And yet I followed the paths to the Anti-Arachnor as described in our holy books. I wonder if there ever was an Anti-Arachnor in the first place. Maybe he was only an allegory representing our own shortcomings, selfish impulses, and the like. An over-simplified example of what not to do, how not to behave so we could perpetuate the social order. All our lives wasted maintaining a set of rules we thought we made. I think I’m insane now. Or am I finally sane?

  “Oh, Great Arachnor, hear my—no, if the Anti-Arachnor is nothing more than a story to frighten spiderlings into being good little soldiers, then Arachnor is a figment as well. Never again shall I follow ridiculous superstitions. They are stories, and frivolous ones at that.”

  With a despondent sigh, she looked into the bleak heavens without actually seeing. She could hardly remember light. Even her life of battle blurred and muddled in her mind; memories mixing, swirling into one another until emptiness filled her as never before. The full realization of the waste of her entire culture delivered such a shock to her system she finally acknowledged what her various sensory inputs were beeping about.

  She stood at the feet of two giant statues, each as big as the gods themselves. They both displayed the Anti-Arachnor’s hated symbol on their chests: two parallel upright columns separated and yet joined by a third divisive column diagonal from the head of the first down to the foot of the second. And around that scene of Sundering, orbited the broken tribes of Arachnor, lost and alone yet connected by intertwining threads of suffering and loss.

  How they sicken me, wearing those badges so proudly. “If you indeed be servants to the One Most Foul, then show him to me!” she called up to them.

  Silence was their only answer.

  “I should have known better than to trust in that religious nonsense. It is a habit I must break.”

  Her wanderings went on for hours until she found herself at the cliffs of the Danger: Coffee Table. “So much pointless loss. I can’t make sense of anything any more. What was it all for? Were we merely a mistake upon the webbing of the spiderverse? I can’t believe we have no destined purpose, I just can’t. There must be a plan. If not by Arachnor, then someone, something greater than myself.” Anne shuddered with sobs. She threw her head back and yelled into the black sky, “Why have you forsaken me!” before succumbing once more to tears.

  Nuklear Man startled himself awake as the result of yet another mysterious dream, this one involving scary wolves with coats of fire and snakes big enough to swallow worlds. He rubbed his groggy eyes and turned to the Danger: TV.

  A little mind-numbing television oughta stimulate the ol’ brain, he thought. His vision focused on some teeny movements originating on the Danger: Coffee Table.

  “ACK! A bug! Kill it, kill it!” He recoiled from it, covering his eyes with one hand while Plazma Beaming it and the Danger: Coffee Table into oblivion with the other. “Whew. Stupid gross bug. Where there’s one there’s a hun...dred...of. Them.” He curled up into a shaking little ball of Nuklear Fright. His eyes darted to and fro locking on to a hundred traces of movement which were all hallucinated. “Bugs, bugs everywhere, on my skin and in my hair!” he chanted in a whisper. “Bugs, bugs everywhere, on my skin and in my hair.” He could feel them closing in. “Sparky?” he whimpered.

  __________

  Issue 30 – Adventure into Science!

  “I think Katkat should come with us,” Nuklear Man suggested over a Danger: Plate of pancakes.

  Across the Danger: Kitchen Table, Atomik Lad finished up his waffles. “He’s not really a hero, you know. He has no powers for Überdyne to study.”

  “Oh, but I think he does,” the Hero retorted.

  “Do ya now?”

  Nuklear Man produced the feline and held Katkat up to Atomik Lad’s face. “He’s a supercutie wutie, yes he is. Aren’t you? Aren’t you!”

  Atomik Lad sighed and took his Danger: Dishes to the Danger: Sink. �
�Look, I don’t think Dr. Genius will appreciate us wasting her time on a cat. These appointments cost all kinds of money. Let’s just get in there and get out.”

  Nuklear Man had already given up on the laborious task of listening to Atomik Lad babble. He switched his attention to snuggling and belly scratching the much more adorable Katkat. “Glad you agree, it’s a lot easier than beating some sense into you.”

  “Erg.”

  “Well, not a lot easier.”

  “Of course.”

  “You’re really weak compared to me.”

  “Right.”

  “Because I’m so much stronger.”

  “I got it.”

  Atomik Lad rubbed his eyes. “He’s not coming with us, now get going. I’ve got plans for the afternoon.”

  “How’s that possible? I don’t recall giving you any tasks to complete.”

  “Yes, you see, I’ve got this thing called A Life That Doesn’t Revolve Around You.”

  “Hm. Are you sure?”

  “Very.”

  “I don’t know. That certainly doesn’t sound like an order I’d give. What was the

  Authorization Code?”

  “Oh geez. I don’t know, how about Alpha-Niner?”

  “It’s an older code, but it checks out. Are you sure you’re not picking up those crazy thoughts I keep warning you about? Like free will?”

  “Why me?” Atomik Lad asked the universe as he went back to his Danger: Katkat’s Room.

  “Sounds like someone is in serious need of a little ‘mind cleansing.’ I’ll make the preparations.” Nuklear Man did nothing. His was a particularly subtle approach to brainwashing. Let the victim think he thinks what he thinks.

  __________

  Dr. Genius stood on the Überdyne Headquarters roof overlooking the majestic Metroville skyline on all sides of her. 9:15, restate my assumptions. 1) Kopelson Intrinsity is the language of the universe. 2) Everything around us can be represented as a field of intrinsity. 3) If you graph these fields, they reach an infinite capacity to hold and transfer information. Therefore: The universe is the expression of that information. If we can learn the syntax of this language, then we can manipulate the universe at the most basic level. So perhaps the miraculous effects caused by overpowers can be explained as a limited version of this manipulation.

  The morning sun hung low, casting its diffuse light against the weekend traffic of tourists and sale hunters. The sparse clouds and blue sky sparkled against the austere glass and steel skyscrapers of the city. Dr. Genius took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and stood on her toes. The rims of her glasses glinted as she slid them off to rub her nose. “It’s so peaceful up here.” A buzzer in one of her lab coat’s many internal pockets went off. “Most of the time, anyway.” She turned to Nameless Technician – a man more aptly named would be hard to find – who manned a portable computer console near the access door that led into the Scientific: Depths of Überdyne. “Power up the generators,” she said.

  __________

  Atomik Lad touched down perfectly beside Dr. Genius. His Atomik Field dispersed harmlessly just before landing. “Hey, Doc.”

  She donned a pair of goggles. “Good morning, John. How are you?”

  “Not bad, but I wish we could do these things a little later in the afternoon.”

  She flicked her head to the right to dislodge a loose curl that was blown against her forehead by the winds that flared up at this height. “As do I, but this is when the Earth’s magnetic force is at its apex in this region, and we need all the juice we can get.”

  Nameless Technician yelled, “Incoming!”

  Dr. Genius and Atomik Lad dropped to their stomachs. “I guess it’s just as well,” the sidekick said. “At least this way it leaves the rest of the day open.”

  A golden comet rocketed across the Metroville skyline, shattering windows in its wake. It cut ragged turns between skyscrapers and through a few unlucky ones. Air burst into flames at the comet’s tail as it zeroed in on the Überdyne rooftop.

  “See,” Ima said while taking readings with a calculator-ish device in one hand. “It’s not so bad. Besides, doing it this way is a lot easier than having to rebuild the top fifteen floors every time he visits.”

  The mad comet struck an invisible wall a few feet above Dr. Genius and Atomik Lad. Thin blue threads of energy coursed through the air and wrapped around Nuklear Man, who was still slightly covered by plaster and dust from his shortcut through a couple highrises. Überdyne Headquarters had become the world’s largest bar magnet. It was the safest way to get Nuklear Man into the building since his usual method of landing involved crashing. The energy flickered briefly and faded away. Nuklear Man hovered in place momentarily before collapsing next to Atomik Lad

  “It would be a lot easier if he just didn’t do this in the first place,” Atomik Lad muttered as he helped Dr. Genius up.

  She removed her goggles, put the calculator-ish thing in a pocket, dusted off her lab coat, and thanked Nameless Technician for his help. He began taking the equipment down.

  Nuklear Man shot past simple attention and right into Attention! with his cape billowing majestically over his head. “You are not working with me!” he scolded before tossing it back over his shoulders. “Ha-ho!” Flex, pose, flex, smile, wink. “Let’s play doctor, baby.”

  Atomik Lad groaned.

  “Buzz off, Sparky,” the Hero whispered through an exaggeratedly toothy smile. “Things are gonna get freaky this time for sure. I can feel it!”

  “Don’t say things like that.”

  “Freakay!”

  “I’m going to be sick.”

  Dr. Genius laughed all the way to the access door. “You guys are too much. Now c’mon, we’ve got some testing to do.” She disappeared down the stairway. Nameless Technician followed her while clumsily carrying the portable magnetic generator equipment.

  Nuklear Man did a giddy dance while Atomik Lad suppressed his gag reflex. “She wants me,” the Hero assured his old sidekick. “I can tell.”

  “Nuke, remember our discussion about the real world and how it has nothing to do with whatever you’re thinking?”

  “Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.”

  “No, actually. I’m quite right.”

  “Well, Mister Smarty the Smart, why do you think she keeps inviting us over to her place all the time?”

  Atomik Lad walked Nuklear Man to the access door and down the stairs after Dr. Genius. “Maybe to perform the tests that she performs. You know, to measure the development of our powers, to determine their possible origins, to make sure we aren’t a public health hazard, and so forth?”

  “Oh, naive, young, naive Atomik Lad,” Nuklear Man said while nearly stifling a chuckle. “Let me tell you one or two things I’ve learned about women in my time.”

  “That’s about three more things than I would’ve guessed.”

  “When she says ‘Hi’ she means ‘Yes.’”

  “No, no, no, no.”

  “Oooh! That means ‘Yes, give it to me now, Nukiepants!’”

  “What the hell?! Were you talking to any frat boys while we were on campus?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Stop it.”

  “That one’s ‘More, more, more!’”

  Atomik Lad stopped them in mid-stride. “Okay, I don’t even know where to start telling you how very, very wrong all this is.”

  “Because I’m right. See how that works? Now let’s move along, I’ve got a new choke hold I wanna try out.”

  “Gah! No, look. Just, let’s play a game. Pretend they actually say what they mean. Forever.”

  “That doesn’t sound like nearly as much fun.”

  “Trust me. It’s better this way.”

  “We’ll see.”

  __________

  A few minutes later, in the neat high-tech supersecret testing labs of Überdyne’s Scientific: Sub-Basement 7, Dr. Genius checked a few Scientific: Printouts concerning the results of an automated weather mach
ine while Nuklear Man and Atomik Lad stood around awaiting their tests. “Sorry to keep you boys waiting,” she apologized while flipping through the readouts. “But we’ve come across a rather embarrassing anomaly that produces cheeseburgers out of thin air instead of rainfall.”

  “No problem, Doc.” Atomik Lad answered while scanning the decidedly science fiction interior of Überdyne. If he didn’t know better, he’d swear it was added in post production.

  “I read you loud and clear,” Nuklear Man said while tugging at his spandex. “Darn it, how am I supposed to get out of this thing?” he muttered.

  “Ack! Nuke, remember. Pretend.”

  The Hero blinked dumbly. “Nnnyes?”

  Grumble. “Pretend they mean what they say.”

  “Ohhhh. Right. Pretend. Gotcha.”

  Dr. Genius prestidigitated her supercool calculator-ish device from thin air once more and began pressing a series of buttons. “Let’s see now. Nuklear Man, last time we tested your strength using the Strongometer. The boys in maintenance are still building a new one so we can’t pick up from there today.” She scrolled through a list displayed on her handheld computer. “Ah yes. Why don’t we measure your tolerance to heat in the Heatomatic? This new test should coincide nicely with your energy metabolization data.”

  “Lay it on me, honey.”

  She laughed to herself and pressed several more keys. “Just step into the Scientific: Observation Chamber behind you and we can get started.”

  “My kinda woman,” the Hero said and sauntered into the smaller room through the panoramic opening that led into it.

  “The Scientific: Observation Chamber will be lined with a makeshift Negaflux field. I managed to retro-engineer a basic generator from some of Veronica’s notes,” Dr. Genius told Atomik Lad and the readers. “That way, we can continue to increase the temperature within the room without affecting the outside world. And since the N-field will completely contain all thermodynamic activity within the chamber, we should get the temperature to levels equal to that of solar fusion, just under 30 million degrees Celsius. In the event that we should have to get Nukie out of there in a hustle, the floor is designed to drop out and dump him into the room below. Thanks to another Negaflux set up there, we’ve managed to get it down to Absolute Zero in there without having to freeze the entire universe.”