Nuklear Age

by Clevinger, Brian

  “Isn’t that kinda dangerous?”

  “Not at all, as soon as a little heat energy is introduced to the room, it’ll warm up a degree or two just like the rest of outer space and we know Nuke can handle that without a problem.”

  “Ah, I—gah!” Atomik Lad hopped back as a computer console built itself out of the floor right in front of him and the good doctor. Cables snaked from it to the walls and another set of computers against the wall behind them, opposite the Scientific: Observation Chamber where Nameless Technician was making some notes on a clipboard and supervising the connections. “What the hell?” the sidekick blurted at the spontaneous technology growing around him.

  “Prototype next generation Nanobots,” she explained while typing in her little computer. “They can turn the very air around us into the raw materials they need to replicate.”

  “But don’t we need to breathe that air?”

  “Oh, no. They only use things like dust, various pollutants, random particles of poisonous gas and the like. Once we rely exclusively on N2 technology for our construction needs, 99% of the world’s pollution should be taken care of within five years.”

  “Neat. So, what’s gonna happen to Nuke?”

  “We’re going to measure any effects the extreme temperatures might have on him by observing his Kopelson Intrinsity Field.”

  “That Kopelson stuff still confuses me.”

  “It’s not terribly confusing. Well, if you ignore the fact that the actual field manifests itself in twelve dimensions without occupying spatio-temporal coordinates in any of them. And that it stretches infinitely on both sides of zero. And that somehow all KI fields apparently transmit all their information to every other KI field in the universe instantaneously. But beyond impossible things like that, it’s quite simple.”

  “Yeah. Simple. My thoughts exactly.”

  “Intrinsity theory is based on three simple concepts, Kopelson’s Laws. One: Everything in a system has a tendency to be itself. That is to say, a system consisting of a volume of water will remain that same volume of water without experiencing any change if left to its own devices. Two: Introducing or taking away energy from the system is the only way to bring about change in the system. In the case of the water, adding heat energy to the system will turn it into steam while taking away heat energy will turn the water into ice. Three: The universe is a system, therefore it obeys the first two laws of intrinsity.

  “Changes are constantly taking place. The water gains temporal energy as time progresses, its space-time coordinates are altered due to the Earth’s rotation and revolution around the sun, and the sun’s spin around the galaxy, and the galaxy’s movement through space. But these energies, the water, and all existence, are merely metaphors for the real action, the KI fields. It’s the KI of the heat interacting with the KI of the water that produces the KI for steam. So theoretically, if we can produce the proper adjustments to the right kind of KI sequences within an object, we can produce any desired effect as if by magic. The water could become steam without actual heat. Or an apple or an ocean.

  “We could instantly teleport it to the moon, another star, or through time. We could make ice sink, make water boil at its freezing point. The possibilities for human exploration and learning would be limitless. If we can unlock the secrets of intrinsity, we can become gods. There will be nothing separating science from magic. I believe that superpowers are the first step to this ultimate goal. All of you alter reality in some miraculous way by nothing more than thought alone.

  “And this is the final implication. Every KI field is unique, which is quite puzzling. Protons are supposed to be mathematically identical to one another, but in KI equations no two protons are alike. Mostly it’s just the organization of the information and probably space-time variances, but they are different nonetheless. There’s an infinite number of KI fields, all woven into one another, each affecting all the others constantly. So if we’re built from KI fields while living in a KI field, then inside each of them, there must be one key sequence of intrinsic information that is shared by everything in existence, like God’s signature on every piece of Creation. It’s the Golden Pattern, the answer to life, the universe. Everything. Research of Kopelson’s Intrinsity Theory is the most astounding and important endeavor ever imagined by humankind.”

  “Feh,” Nuklear Man scoffed. “No mystical energy field controls my destiny.”

  Rather overwhelmed, and completely ignoring Nuklear Man, Atomik Lad answered, “Wow.”

  “That’s what I said. But, as for the more immediate concerns of today, I’m convinced that the secrets to Nuklear Man’s past, his powers, yours, and the other heroes are locked somewhere within those Fields. I merely have to sift through the common every day minutia to find the right sequences. Since the Field is infinite, the only way to do this is to prod the subject to see which sequences correspond to which physical attributes. That way, we can find what’s different, what’s particularly special about the KI Fields of you Heroes, and unlock that factor.”

  “So that’s what these tests are all about.”

  “Partially. We’re also gauging the range, potency, and versatility of your powers in order to better deploy you boys against disasters, which is the official press release reason for these appointments.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “Also, according to the Hero Act, we have to regularly inspect all of you to make sure your powers and mental conditions are stable so you won’t destroy half the city in a massive overload or an insane quest for vengeance against cheese or the like.”

  “Thanks.”

  “It’s just a precaution. You boys have incredible responsibilities. Not everyone has the mental and emotional fortitude for this line of work, you know.”

  Atomik Lad’s gaze unconsciously drifted to Nuklear Man in the Heatomatic. “Yeah, I know.”

  “And we have enough trouble with villains destroying half the city. The last thing we need is for our side to start helping them out.”

  “Not to mention giant monsters from the sea. Hey, whatever happened to Angus? I haven’t seen him since you cleaned up and tagged the Crushtacean.”

  “Oh, we kept him for further study.”

  “Why?”

  “Three reasons. First of all, he had the most, um, contact with Crushtacean so we’re trying to glean a few bits of information about the Crab that way. Second, he seems to be suffering from some kind of post-traumatic stress syndrome. He hasn’t so much as cursed since we brought him in. And third, his suit is on backwards.”

  Atomik Lad expected, but did not get, an explanation on that third point. “Er, so?”

  “Well, it seems that his Iron: Battlesuit has been turned around. The problem is, that’s impossible. The only way to turn it around would be to eject it and put it on the other way, but once the suit is ejected, the locks that hold it together are destroyed. The locks on his suit are unharmed and the ejection system was damaged and inoperative anyway so it’s a moot point. And besides, due to the suit’s design, even if he somehow got it on backwards, Angus simply couldn’t fit in it. There’s no possible way for the suit to be backwards, nor can we correct the situation because, as I said, the ejection device was damaged somehow. We’re messing with some physics in the hopes of solving Angus’s wardrobe problem while simultaneously perfecting a non-lethal method of messing with physics.”

  “What’re we gonna do in the meantime without an enraged berserker warrior to patrol the city?”

  “I’ve already taken care of that.” Genius smiled. “We have Fukazake Shiro, the Tetsu Samurai, all the way from Japan. He’s filling in for Angus until our little Surly Scot feels up to par again. “

  “Who the what-what from where?”

  “Fukazake Shiro, the Tetsu Samurai. I’ll introduce you.” She pressed a pin on her lab coat collar. “Shiro, please come to Secret Lab Omega in Sub-Basement Seven. Thank you.”

  “I’m still lost.”

  “I jus
t put in an application at the International Dwarf Warrior Corps for a transfer. They tried to push Jacques LeWimpe, the Frilly Frenchman, on me but we can’t use one of those cheese eatin’ pushovers in our city.”

  At that moment, a wall exploded with a thunderous “BONZAIAIAIAIAIAI!!!” as steel slashes flashed from an iron-blue dervish that towered to waist height. The Tiny Typhoon came to a halt in front of them, a mighty samurai warrior—or a scale model of one—stood before them.

  “Atomik Lad, meet—”

  “FUKAZAKEEE SHIROOO!!!” the small samurai vein-poppingly yelled from his authentic looking suit of iron samurai armor complete with a really mean looking mask. He removed it, revealing a relatively light, friendly face made all the more friendly by his overly expressive eyes and big happy mouth.

  Atomik Lad held out his hand as Shiro gave a quick bow of respect. “Er, right.” He mimicked Shiro’s greeting.

  Shiro turned to Genius and bowed to her as well. “Arigato for invited me to battle dragons of evil beings at your American town with my SUPAAA ACTION BATTLER ATTACKU PAWAAA!!!” Shiro struck a few minor poses, sheathed his sword, and bowed again.

  Atomik Lad rubbed his ears. “Does he have to keep yelling so much?”

  Shiro shot straight up, his little samurai armor rattling slightly with the quick movement. “This I focus my SUPAA ACTION BATTLER SPIRITO ENERGY ATTACKU PAWAAAA!!!”

  “Right,” Atomik Lad said. He turned to Dr. Genius. “Um, can we begin my tests now? Please?”

  “Just as soon as I finish with Nuklear Man here. Shiro?”

  “HAI!”

  “Why not take Atomik Lad to visit Angus for a bit?”

  “No really, that’s fine. I don’t mind watching Nuke there. In fact, it’s probably better, you know. For me to be more personally aware of his limits.”

  “TOUR GAIDOOOO POWAAA!!!” Shiro snatched Atomik Lad’s hand and dragged him out of the room through the entrance he just improvised. Atomik Lad jostled and bounced as Shiro dragged him along. The dwarf’s legs moved so quickly they were nothing more than a blur propelling Shiro and his cargo through corridors and a few obtrusive walls.

  From his angle, Atomik Lad noticed something new about Shiro. The Tiny Typhoon had an oversized red firecracker looking rocket strapped to his back. No good can come of this, he thought to himself.

  They skidded to a halt. Atomik Lad lay on the cool tiled floor. He could feel the bruises sinking in. “Ugh.”

  “Razy American Hero! Stand and delivaa to witness many amazing sights at this time super fun is now for us!”

  Atomik Lad sat up. “What?”

  “Here is your hero supaa action peer, Angus-san.”

  The sidekick turned and there, in a Scientific: Observation Chamber not unlike the one Nuklear Man was being tested in, was Angus. A monitor above the wide Negaflux protected Scientific: Observation Window displayed Angus’s brain waves, heart rate, and KI field spikes. Each digital line was barely active as Angus lay against the far wall vacantly staring at or through Atomik Lad. The Surly Scot’s jaw was slack and his armor was indeed on backwards.

  “Geez, what happened to him?” Atomik Lad asked aloud.

  “Old Japanese regend say: When on the hunting Great Dragon, do not be use Great Dragoness Impression.”

  “Um,” Atomik Lad answered.

  Lookit ‘em, comatose Angus thought. That fancy boy Atomik Laddie talkin’ up a storm. ‘Ooh, lookit me, Ah’m so tall, not like that Angus. Ye want ta know what we call ‘em when he’s not around? Shorty Short Short ‘CUZ ANGUS IS BUT A WEE LADDIE! Ha!’ But ye can’t fool ol’ Angus, ye too-tall mutants! Ye make it so we wee folk can’t walk through the doors o’ society. Literally! Them blasted doorknobs is too damned high up! ‘Lookit that wee laddie try to open the door, he couldn’t reach that without an elevator—TOO BAD THE BLASTED ELEVATOR BUTTONS IS TOO DAMNED HIGH!!! Let’s go put stuff on the top shelf before we go an’ buy some more Nuklear Man T-shirts—XTRA LARGE ONES, AS MERE MORTAL SIZED SHIRTS SIMPLY WILL NOT SUFFICE OUR ABNORMALLY HUGE FRAMES!!!’

  “That’s not very super fun big cell,” Shiro observed.

  “Yeah, it’s pretty small,” Atomik Lad agreed.

  Lookit ‘em talkin’ about me, sayin’ how much taller that samurai is than me. Ah knew it! They used that giant crab laddie as an excuse to drive me insane so they could look for a taller replacement! Bunch o’ backstabbin’ haggis-brained cowards! Just standin’ there gloatin’. Gloatin’ and infectin’ me brain with paranoid thoughts, but it won’t work on me! Oh no, Ah’m on to their plans. First they deprive me of my whiskey to weaken me mind, and then they begin their mental conditioning to make me docile an’ sober. And greatest crime of all, they use me own Battlesuit against me by welding it on backwards like soome kind o’ Iron: Battle-Straight Jacket.

  “Hopingfully, honorable Angus-san be will the cured on soon.”

  “Oh, I’m certain Angus’s stay will be a short one.”

  SHORT?! Ah’ll show ‘em who’s so short!!!

  “Hm,” Atomik Lad said, looking up at the monitor thingie. “Angus’s vital signs are going all screwy.”

  Shiro stepped back and looked way up. “Hai. Perhaps maybe we call the doctoring?”

  “What?”

  “DWARF-A-PULT!!!” Angus erupted in a flurry of fury. His Iron: Bagpipe Thrusters flared to life with exactly the sound a blue whale makes when it explodes. “YYYYYEEEEEEEEARGHBLB—huh?” Unfortunately for Angus, since his Iron: Battlesuit was on backwards, the Iron Scotsman was propelled at Mach 1.3 through the back wall of his cell, a storage closet, a pocket dimension, back into our dimension, out a window, across town, and into a birdbath in the front yard of an ordinary looking house on Suburbia Street in the middle of the Panoptica Waterheight Viewshore Happydale Sunnyoaks Phase 3 planned community instead of his intended targets.

  “Well, I guess we might as well get back to Dr. Genius,” Atomik Lad said after a while.

  Shiro lit up. “TOUR GAIDOOOO FUKAZAKE ON THE RESCUING PARTY—IS GO!!!”

  “Oh no,” Atomik Lad groaned as he felt his arm nearly get torn from his body.

  __________

  “Aww, gee whiz, Doc. This is kids’ stuff. When’re you gonna turn the heat on already?” Nuklear Man complained.

  She glanced up to him, then back to her instruments. “It’s currently one million degrees Celsius in there.”

  “Feh. My grandmother could Celsius hotter than this.”

  “Your grandmother...? What? You’re not making sense, perhaps as a result of the heat, though I wouldn’t think you’d have any adverse reactions to such a relatively low temperature.”

  “Heat, shmeat. Crank up that bad boy, it’s getting chilly in here.”

  “Nameless, increase the temperature by a factor of two.”

  “Doctor, are you—”

  “Do it. We’ve got thirty-two safeties, each with three backup units. This test will pose no danger to anyone.”

  “But Nuklear Man—”

  “His KI Field has consistently adapted to the environment. To him, it’s as comfortable in there as it is out here for us. It’s astounding, even his clothes are unaffected. We have to push on. Kopelson Intrinsity is the thread of God’s tapestry. We are so close to reweaving it in our own image.”

  Dr. Genius’s console beeped. “Two million,” she reported aloud while scanning Nuklear Man’s raw KI data. “It’s always better to just run the numbers through the KI equations in your head than rely on those three dimensional graphical representations,” she scolded Technician as he recorded a few notes based on an ever-changing 3D bar graph on his console.

  “Easy for you to say,” he said.

  “You lose context when you don’t see the whole picture. It’s like reading every fourth word in a book. You can get the general idea, but not the nuances, the true beauty.”

  “Not everyone can visualize a twelve-dimensional figure in their head, Dr. Genius.”

  “Yes, my utterly inhuman IQ do
es help with that bit, I must admit.” She shook her head in amazement and mumbled, “No adverse reactions whatsoever.” She looked back up at Nuklear Man. “How is it in there?”

  “Baby, you’re twice as hot as this,” he said with a wink, smile, and finger-gun snap.

  “How does he do it?” she mused to herself. “We’ll see about that, Nuklear Man. Nameless, four million.”

  “Yes Doctor,” he replied.

  Nuklear Man sighed. “Lousy reality not harsh enough to challenge Nukie, self-appointed Eternal Dictator for Life.”

  “Four million,” she whispered to herself as her eyes absorbed the KI data streaming through her console. How does he do it? I used to think KI was affected by the mind. Non-Supers have been effecting minor alterations in their fields and those of ordinary objects through intense concentration for centuries. Firewalkers, Buddhist meditators, and so on. But Nuklear Man performs incredible feats of KI manipulation without the slightest mental effort. It’s not physical, it’s not mental. What is it? I feel so close, like I can’t see the answer because it’s right in front of me. Maybe I should re-evaluate the parameters and approach from another vector.

  Shiro crashed back into the lab through the nearly N2-healed hole he’d made earlier.

  Atomik Lad flopped to the floor and moaned in pain while wishing that he could do away with enough morals to let him use his Atomik Powers on Shiro in a way neither comfortable nor sanitary but undoubtedly fatal to the samurai. “We’re back,” he groaned.

  “SUPAAA ACTION TOUR GAIDOOOO FUKAZAKEEE reporting is now!” Shiro announced with a separate pose for every word.