Lily’s War

by June Francis

  ‘I can’t believe it’s God’s will that you’re deserting your family,’ she snapped. ‘As for not telling us – I think it’s a disgrace!’

  Lily’s temper rose. ‘It is my life! If you’re so concerned, you could volunteer to look after them.’

  ‘Me!’ Her outrage was plain to see. ‘Young people need young folk and I’m no spring chicken.’

  ‘Neither am I,’ said Lily, her expression mutinous as she took her new hat from a box. ‘I’m twenty-five and I’ve reared May from a baby. I’ve well done my duty! You could be a bit more understanding. It’s going to be painful parting from her and Ronnie.’

  ‘Not painful enough it seems,’ sniffed Dora, watching her set the hat at a flattering angle.

  Lily turned on her. ‘What do you want me to do? Cry blood?’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ said Dora, bristling. ‘I’ve said my piece. I’ll be going.’ She marched to the door, only to pause as she opened it. ‘I just hope you don’t live to regret this day.’

  Lily’s eyes sparkled. ‘Goodbye, Aunt Dora. Watch you don’t fall down the stairs.’

  ‘You’d like me to do that, wouldn’t you?’ said her aunt and slammed the door.

  Lily was trembling and several minutes passed before she was composed enough to pick up her suitcase.

  She met Matt on the stairs. ‘Your Aunt Dora’s left.’

  ‘Uncle William as well?’ Her voice was dismayed.

  ‘Him too.’ His eyes were hard as he took the suitcase from her. ‘I’m the world’s worst for taking you away. I’m selfish and utterly unchristian, according to your aunt. William didn’t say a word.’

  ‘Damn!’ She squeezed his hand. ‘Sorry. But why did you have to tell your Aunt Jane?’

  ‘Because she asked me. I couldn’t lie! I feel bad enough leaving when we’re only just getting to know each other.’

  She could understand that. ‘You could have not told her the truth!’

  ‘Lily, we should have told them all earlier,’ he said with a touch of impatience. ‘But you didn’t want any upset.’

  ‘I wasn’t thinking of myself,’ she countered swiftly.

  ‘Did I say you were?’

  ‘No, but—’ A hand went to her head. ‘I’d better go and see Dad.’

  ‘He knows.’

  ‘Aunt Dora told him?’

  ‘Who else?’

  Lily’s spirits plummeted further and she said through dry lips, ‘How did he take it?’

  ‘She told me he was going to get the horse ready to take the carriage back to the farm. Shall we see him together before we go?’

  Lily hesitated then shook her head. ‘I’ll go on my own, if you don’t mind?’

  He raised his eyebrows. ‘Why should I mind? I don’t doubt it’ll be less difficult for you both without me there.’

  She nodded and left him.

  Lily found Albert still in the backyard, unplaiting the horses’s tail. There was a handful of ribbons on the ground. She watched him a moment before approaching, noticing he was slightly unsteady on his feet. ‘We’ll be leaving soon, Dad. I just came to say tarrah.’

  ‘Nice of you to bother, girl.’ The words were barely slurred.

  She took a deep breath. ‘I know I should have told you about Australia but it was so difficult. I didn’t want to spoil the wedding for you all.’

  ‘Hah!’ He did not look at her, which hurt more than if he had hurled abuse at her and looked at her with hate.

  ‘I’ll be back on Tuesday. We’ll have some time together then.’

  Still he did not look at her. ‘And how long after that before you go travelling with him?’ he snarled.

  ‘A week,’ she burst out. ‘I was going to tell you!’

  ‘Aye, sometime never! Perhaps you’d have written a letter to me from the ship!’ He turned and looked at her.

  ‘That’s not true! I’m not that thoughtless.’ She searched for a way to appease him and picked up one of the blue ribbons, twisting it round her finger. ‘It was lovely of you to have done this for me.’

  ‘You’re my eldest daughter.’ His voice was low and uneven.

  Her heart sank. ‘I knew you’d be upset.’

  ‘Upset!’ A sharp laugh broke from him. ‘I lost your mother and now I’m losing you.’

  ‘We can write to each other.’ She touched his shoulder but he jerked away.

  ‘Don’t, girl. Go to him. He’s what you wanted.’

  ‘Yes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.’

  ‘Not enough.’ He turned back to the horse, resting his head against its flank. ‘Don’t let me keep you.’

  She was hurting in a way she had never thought she could. There had been times in the past when he had seemed as much of a child to her as her brothers and sisters and now it was as if he had grown up and away from her. It seemed unfair after all she had done for him. ‘Dad, be reasonable!’

  ‘Tarrah, girl.’ His voice was harsh.

  Lily gave up. ‘Have it your way.’ Without another word she went back inside the house. Her eyes were damp and it hurt to swallow.

  A crowd waved Lily and Matt off, and May and Ronnie ran alongside the hired car for a short way before falling back. Tears blurred Lily’s vision because it was the first time she had ever been parted from them. They had been silent on the subject of Australia so she presumed they did not know yet about her leaving. How would they react? With his gaze still on the road Matt took one of her hands and clasped it firmly. He did not say a word but she was comforted. After a few minutes she reached inside her handbag and fingered the envelope her sister had handed to her saying it was from Uncle William. It felt thin and looked like it had been opened and resealed. Inside was a five-pound note. So much for her inheritance.

  Matt said, ‘We can manage without his money.’

  ‘It’s not the money.’ She cleared her throat. ‘He always seemed to understand – was always kind.’

  ‘He’s had a shock. Give him time.’

  She attempted a smile. ‘Dad’s in shock, too. He’ll probably get falling-down drunk and I won’t be there to pick him up.’

  ‘Try and put him out of your mind. We’ve got the honeymoon to look forward to. Don’t let’s allow worrying about your father to spoil it.’

  She squeezed his hand and tried to stop thinking of herself. ‘I bet you’re wishing now you’d never married into my family?’

  ‘I’ve no regrets.’

  ‘Really?’ That pleased her. She smiled and stretched. ‘At least I had my wedding with no real bother, but I hope May and Ronnie will be all right when they get to know about Australia.’

  ‘Our wedding,’ he corrected, glancing at her. ‘As for May and Ronnie, forget them too. It’s just us for the next few days. Get some rest now.’

  Lily settled herself more comfortably in the seat and closed her eyes. She set about trying to blank out the nagging worry for her family. She slept for a while but eventually began to drift into a level of consciousness where snatches of conversation came and went in her mind, mingling with odd thoughts. Just us, just us. No longer six to think of, just two. Him and her, her and him, till death us do part.

  ‘I lost your mother, now I’m losing you. You won’t be there to see me. I feel like I’ve lost you already.’

  ‘You really want to go through with this, girl?’

  ‘Yes,’ she’d replied, impatient to get on with the act that would part her from her family. Aunt Dora ranting at her and her hitting back. ‘I’ve well done my duty! It’s going to be painful parting from May and Ronnie.’ ‘Not painful enough!’ ‘What do you want me to do? Cry blood?’

  Blood! Blood! A feeling of horror swept over her and she tried to shake it off. Parting is such sweet sorrow … There were tears. What was sweet about parting? It hurt. Was there always some loss in gain? My wedding. Our wedding. Of course, our wedding, just the two of us.

  ‘We’ve got the honeymoon to look forward to, don’t let worrying about yo
ur father spoil it.’

  Lily’s eyelids flickered open and she sat up abruptly, filled with a strange panic. There were unfamiliar green fields and hedges on either side of the road and the smell of elder blossom mingling with the scent of grass and clover came through the open window. ‘We’ve got to go back!’ she cried.

  ‘Relax, Lily,’ said Matt, his voice concerned. ‘We’re in Wales and haven’t far to go now.’

  She stared at him and slowly did as he said, thinking how relaxed he looked. He had changed into beige slacks, an oatmeal and brown sports jacket, and his cream shirt was open at the neck. ‘I think I was dreaming,’ she murmured.

  ‘You’ve been sighing and grunting.’

  ‘Like a pig, I suppose?’ Her voice was rueful. The panic evaporated utterly.

  He responded to her remark with that smile which warmed his eyes and created tiny dimples at the corners of his mouth. It had the power to make her heart flip over in her breast. ‘A fair dinkum, teeny weeny piglet,’ he teased. ‘Unlike that bristly monster that chased us at your uncle’s farm.’

  He reached out a hand and she clasped it, enjoying the smooth feel of his skin as his fingers entwined with hers. Unexpectedly she was aware of a strong sense of belonging that had never been there before and tried to picture what it would be like when they reached their destination. She was inexperienced in matters of love but Mrs Draper had invited her to have a cup of tea with her a couple of days ago and given her a heart to heart, presuming that Matt was as innocent as Lily was about such things. She only hoped the advice would come in handy. It had been a real revelation!

  An hour or so before dinner they reached the Elsinore Hotel, enlarged, redecorated and refurnished earlier that year. It was situated on the Grand Promenade in Llandudno, which had blossomed from a small mining and fishing village during the Victorian era into a successful and popular holiday resort.

  Lily laid out one of the new floral silk crépe-de-chîne frocks over a chair and glanced at Matt, who was placing a suit on a hanger. Of course, he would be used to looking after himself and did not need her help. She dabbed a touch of Evening in Paris perfume behind her ears and on the pulses beating heavily at her wrists, then she wandered over to the sash window overlooking the sea, aware of the positive ache in the pit of her stomach. Despite Mrs Draper’s words she wondered if it would be better to wait for Matt to make the first move. To be deliberately planning to seduce her husband somehow seemed shocking. How long would it take? How long to dinner? Perhaps she should change now? Should she start at the top or the bottom?

  Having barely noticed the long curving stretch of the promenade, or the pier a couple of minutes’ walk away, she turned from the window and kicked off her shoes. Matt looked in her direction and she just knew his thoughts must be travelling along the same lines as hers. With her heart beating heavily, she sat on the side of the bed and dragged up her skirts.

  He moved to slip a hand inside her stocking top, and with slow deliberation undid a suspender button and rolled down her stocking while watching her expression. He kissed her bare toes and she smiled and undid her other suspender. He took the stocking from her and tossed it over his shoulder. ‘I hope there’s more coming off?’ he murmured, a warm sparkle in his eyes.

  Her cheeks were rosy as her fingers found the button on her skirt almost the instant he did. ‘Allow me, Mrs Gibson,’ he said, his voice husky. She guessed hers would have sounded funny if she could speak but for the moment emotion had taken away her voice. His eyes held hers as he pulled down her skirts. The breath caught in her throat as he pulled her to her feet and pressed her against him, kissing her passionately.

  Remembering Mrs Draper’s advice, her fingers found his trouser buttons, carefully trying not to arouse him so soon. His mouth lifted and his hands dropped to his sides. He stared down at her as she undid the buttons.

  He cleared his throat as he stilled her hand. ‘Do you know what you’re doing to me, Lily?’

  ‘I have a good idea,’ she stammered. ‘Mrs Draper told me what to watch out for.’ She blushed.

  ‘Mrs Draper?’ He shook his head in disbelief and sat on the bed, pulling her on to his knee. She could feel the outline through the fabric of his underwear against her bare thigh and felt excitement and an inexplicable yearning swell inside her. He was roused. There was no doubt about it but it could all be over too swiftly if she did not slow him down.

  She jumped up and his eyes followed her. ‘What is it, sweetheart? Are you scared?’

  ‘No!’ She wasn’t, not really. Her face burned. ‘It’s just that I don’t want to rush things.’

  ‘I see.’ His tone was wooden.

  Did he really? Lily considered how she would like to be swept off her feet to wherever making love would take them and not have to think about delaying tactics to make it more enjoyable for her as Mrs Draper had said. ‘I haven’t a mother to tell me,’ she said, taking a deep breath, ‘and I’ve never done this before.’

  ‘I should hope not.’ He smiled and folded his arms across his chest. ‘But I presume Mrs Draper told you what to expect?’

  ‘Yes. Do you know what to expect, Matt?’ she blurted out.

  He grinned. ‘I’ve a fair idea. I haven’t always been a priest and a lad can learn a lot in a mining town.’ His grey eyes met and held hers and he added softly, ‘I have been celibate but I coped because I never met anyone I wanted to share my life with the way I do you.’

  His words affected her to the core of her being and she went to him. Her arms went round him and she buried her head against his chest. He kissed the side of her neck and licked her bare shoulder. She lifted her head and their lips met and she stopped thinking and allowed her own physical desire to have its way with her. He strained her against him but there was still clothing in the way. With their eyes shut and their lips still fastened together, they removed their other garments. It was all right, she told herself, they were married! Married for better, for worse! She could feel him rigid against her stomach and wondered if he would be able to hold out. She pinched its end with a thumb and a finger and brought his head down between her breasts with her free hand. Mrs Draper had told her to do that. She hoped it worked. Who’d have believed Mrs Draper would know so much? But she hadn’t always been a churchgoer and her mother had been well acquainted with certain activities in Lime Street.

  Matt removed her hand and kissed her with such force that she could not think of anything else but the two of them. She moaned as his mouth found her breast and he caressed it with his tongue. Doing what comes naturally is a marvellous thing. She felt as if her whole body was a balloon about to float off. His mouth moved down over the rest of her, slowly, deliberately, as if he was finding pleasure in discovering every inch of her body. She stroked the bony outline of his hip and his buttocks, until suddenly neither of them could bear to be apart any longer. It hurt her a little but she could bear a bit of pain and wanted to enfold him inside her. But strangely, as she did so, it seemed he was unfolding bursts of pleasure inside her, just like a chrysanthemum exploding into a mass of petals, bringing sheer delight.

  ‘What are you thinking?’ Matt’s arm went round her waist, pulling her close.

  Lily turned in his embrace and snuggled up to him, feeling safe and warm, and cossetted. ‘A mining town, you say?’

  ‘I’ll tell you another time but right now I’d rather tell you I love you.’ His voice contained an emotion that sent tingles down her spine. ‘I could easily forget the whole world and just go on making love to you over and over again. I forgot to say the evening offices. I do that every evening normally.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said meekly. ‘I didn’t intend coming between you and God. But it was nice, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Nice!’ He laughed and outlined her mouth with a finger.

  She kissed his hand. ‘I suppose we’d better get dressed or we’ll miss dinner.’

  He nodded but the only move he made was to kiss her and bring her hard again
st him and they began to make love all over again.

  Afterwards, when they felt really hungry, they went outside and into the street behind the hotel and bought fish and chips. They ate them out of the paper as they walked by the shushing sea in perfect peace.

  It seemed strange to Lily when she woke next morning that there were no cows for her to milk, no Ben to exchange news with, no children to rouse and feed, no sister to squabble with, no father to chide. She sighed, remembering their quarrel. Then she determined not to think about it or worry about them. Hours stretched before her waiting to be claimed in a completely different way. She felt Matt move beside her and his leg slid over hers. Desire stirred inside her and she smiled as she turned towards him. Later there would be breakfast cooked by someone else.

  They went to Holy Trinity church and afterwards took the zigzag path up the Great Orme, a massive limestone headland on one side of the bay.

  ‘Lewis Carroll is said to be have been inspired to write Alice in Wonderland somewhere round here,’ said Lily, sitting on Matt’s black mackintosh, looking over the sea towards Anglesey as he took a photograph of her.

  ‘Fascinating,’ he said, his eyes twinkling. ‘We clergy are not without our talents. If it wasn’t for the hotel and the golf course, I could have made love to you all over again up here.’

  ‘You wouldn’t, out in the open?’ She smiled up at him. ‘Is that all you have on your mind?’

  ‘We are on our honeymoon.’ He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. ‘Tomorrow we’ll go somewhere quieter.’

  He sat beside her and they talked. He told her about his life after the death of the mother he could barely remember. ‘Dad had a yen to dig for gold so he went to the goldfields north of Brisbane. I was placed in a kind of Anglican orphanage-cum-school but during the holidays Dad would come for me.’ She watched his face as he talked, trying to read his expression. It must have been lonely for the small boy he had been. ‘The men were really tough on the fields. They had to be, and most knew nothing of organised religion,’ he said, chewing on a grass stem. ‘Only that brought to them by the bush brothers. I was impresssed by them even at an early age and they brought balance to my life.’ He paused and smiled. ‘Now your childhood.’