Lily’s War

by June Francis

  Lily would rather have heard more about him but she spoke of her life when her father was away at the Front and how she had never had a holiday before. ‘There was always the milking, you see. I remember Mam’s mother and sister coming to visit us. I didn’t understand a word they said to me because they spoke in Welsh and they chided Mam for not teaching me it.’ She sighed, her fingers twisting a tussock of grass. ‘I never saw them again after Mam’s funeral. Dad never encouraged them to call.’

  ‘So this is the first time you’ve visited the land of your mother?’ said Matt, stretching out flat and pulling her down beside him.

  ‘Yes,’ she murmured, feeling like she was making a momentous statement. ‘And it’s probably the last with us going to Australia next week.’ For a moment she felt as if a cloud had crossed the sun. Then she remembered how much she wanted to go.

  The next day they went to Conway Castle. ‘We have nothing as old as this in Australia, except the landscape,’ said Matt, pressing a hand against a grey stone wall.

  Lily placed her hand alongside his and closed her eyes. ‘It was built by Edward the First’s men to keep the unruly Welsh led by Llewelyn under control,’ she said in a singsong voice. ‘Until then the Welsh had always defeated the English in the mountains. Edward was crafty. He gathered a fleet and crossed the Menai Straits and burnt the harvest on Anglesey, where it’s better for growing grain. Grain which would have fed Llewelyn’s hungry men during the winter. They had no choice but to pay homage to Edward or starve.’

  Matt’s voice was amused. ‘I take it your mother told you all that.’

  She opened her eyes and grinned. ‘In that exact way. Wales is full of true stories as well as legends. There’s a sad one about a lord who had a hunting dog that was more pet than killer. He left him one day guarding his son. A wolf entered the hall and made for the baby but the dog wouldn’t let him near.’

  ‘I suppose there was a fight?’ said Matt, twisting his fingers through hers.

  ‘A real bloody one. When the lord returned the dog limped over to welcome him – only to have a sword stuck through him because his master thought he’d killed the baby.’

  ‘He hadn’t, of course.’

  ‘Of course not,’ she said approvingly. ‘The lord was heartbroken when he found the dead wolf.’

  ‘And the moral of the story is?’

  ‘Could be, act in haste, repent in leisure? But I prefer, don’t always presume something until you know for sure.’

  Matt’s eyes smiled into hers. ‘I prefer that, too. Now let’s go somewhere quieter.’ He caught hold of her fingers and led her to the car.

  They drove up into the green rolling hills along narrow winding lanes bordered by high hedges of hazel, honeysuckle and hawthorn. It was a perfect day. The sun was warm and as they got higher the scenery was breathtaking. Even when the car got a puncture it did not spoil the day. Lily sat on a grassy bank among purple, blue and yellow tiny wild flowers, drinking in the view across a valley to a line of partly forested hills, the tops of which were plum-coloured in the late afternoon sun.

  ‘It’s awesome, isn’t it?’ said Matt, glancing up at her.

  ‘Yes.’ Lily rose and kissed the back of his neck. ‘Your changing a wheel is a sight I never thought to see either. I didn’t think you were so practical.’

  He tightened a final nut and straightened. ‘Another part of my life story. When I was about sixteen Dad struck it rich again and gave up the gold digging and we went walkabout. Only we didn’t walk, we had a truck. When you’re stuck in the middle of the bush or the desert you have to be your own mechanic. I helped Dad out loads of times.’

  She smiled and handed him a rag. ‘Next?’

  ‘Sydney.’ He wiped his hands on the rag. ‘Dad bought a beaut house overlooking the harbour. He didn’t have long enough there. Pity for him to die when as an adult I knew him well enough to understand why he did things the way he did when I was a lad. He never got over my mother’s death.’ He tossed the rag into the boot, his head bent, but Lily caught sight of his expression and was aware that her husband was a man of different facets, seemingly so confident and yet with an unmistakable vulnerability which was probably due to the kind of upbringing he had had.

  ‘Why didn’t you ever settle in the house in Sydney?’

  ‘It’s as I told you,’ he said, flashing her a brief smile. ‘I went where I believed God called me.’

  ‘Why didn’t you sell the house?’ She moved closer, putting her arms round him.

  ‘Its links with Dad, I suppose.’ His voice was muffled against her hair.

  ‘Haven’t you ever felt that God might be calling you to settle there?’

  ‘No. I knew coming to Liverpool was right. I’m not so sure about leaving it.’

  ‘Aren’t you?’ Her emotions were suddenly confused. It would be easier on the family if she stayed but she did want to go to Australia. ‘But everything’s arranged,’ she murmured. ‘You said your friend—’

  ‘It is!’ He lifted his head and looked suddenly weary. ‘Don’t worry, Lil, you’ll see all those sights you’ve set your heart on.’

  ‘I wasn’t worrying.’ She felt uncomfortable because he made it sound as if he only wanted to go to please her. ‘I said wherever you were I want to be, and I meant it,’ she said slowly.

  ‘I’m glad to hear it.’ He bent his head and kissed her.

  She knew she had said the right thing but still experienced a sort of guilt.

  That evening they went to the New Prince’s Theatre in Mostyn Street to be entertained by Ambrose and his Orchestra in ‘Calling all Stars’. Elizabeth Welch sang, Larry Adler played his harmonica, and Flotsam and Jetsam made them laugh. Afterwards they walked along the promenade as the stars pricked on in the sky. The air was fresh and moist with the tang of the sea and the greenery of the hills behind. This Wales was where her mother had been born and where her parents had met. Lily recalled Matt’s words about the heat and the dryness of the outback and realised as if for the first time she was travelling to a foreign land. How different her life would be. None of the familiar sounds and sights. No Ben or Daisy, no Father, or Ronnie and May whom she had reared as if they were her own. She felt a constriction in her throat and could not get rid of it.

  That night Lily clung to Matt after they had made love. ‘You do really love me, don’t you?’ she demanded. ‘And you’d forgive me if I did anything you didn’t like?’ She had no idea what made her speak in such a way.

  He said drowsily, ‘What were you planning on doing? Running away with the milkman?’

  ‘Very funny.’ She could not prevent a laugh. ‘It’s just that people do hurt each other without intending to. Say you love me.’

  ‘How can you doubt it?’ His tone was surprised as he held her tighter.

  ‘I just want to hear you say it,’ she murmured, resting her head on his bare shoulder.

  ‘I love you. I’ll always love you.’ He kissed the hollow of her throat and her upper breast. ‘I believe we were meant for each other from the beginning of time.’

  A relieved sigh escaped her. His way with words was a balm, soothing emotions which had momentarily become too much for her. Tomorrow they would return to Liverpool and her family. Soon she would be saying goodbye to the world she had known all her life and sailing off to a completely new one.

  Chapter Six

  ‘I hope Dad isn’t going to cut off his nose to spite his face and tell me never to darken his doors again,’ said Lily, as they drove up Islington past the toy wholesaler’s.

  Matt smiled. ‘It’d be a bit of a waste when we’re leaving the country in a week’s time.’

  She frowned. ‘That’d be Dad all over, though.’

  ‘Stop worrying. Could be he’s seeing things differently now.’

  Lily hoped so but could feel the tension building up inside her. Ben should have finished the second milking and would be home, so that should make matters easier between her father, herself and Matt.<
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  The car drew up outside the dairy and she stepped out. Immediately she noticed the curtains were drawn upstairs. Daisy must have forgotten to open them. One of the neighbours was sandstoning the front step. She looked their way.

  ‘Hello, Mrs Day,’ said Lily, smiling.

  The woman gave a solemn nod, half opened her mouth, then shut it again and wielded the sandstone with more vigour.

  Lily hurried ahead of Matt into the shop. The bell jangled and immediately May came through from the back premises, a buttie in her hand. She flung herself on Lily. ‘Gosh, am I glad to see you! It’s been terrible here and our Daisy’s been driving me mad! She expected me to fetch coal! Me!’

  ‘Is that all?’ Lily hugged her. ‘Where’s Dad? I thought he’d be here.’

  May threw back her head and said in an awed voice: ‘You still don’t know? Dad’s dead! They put out a bulletin on the wireless to try and get in touch with you.’

  ‘Dead!’ Lily could not believe it. She gazed over May’s head at Matt imploringly.

  He moved to put an arm around her. ‘How?’ he said succinctly.

  ‘It was Uncle William who found him,’ said May, talking rapidly. ‘His head was all kicked in and there was blood splattered everywhere. I heard him telling our Ben.’

  Blood! thought Lily dazedly, vaguely remembering some kind of dream she had had. ‘Where’s Ben?’

  ‘In the cool room. He went to see the body and came back as white as a sheet. I heard him telling our Daisy that he hardly recognised Dad. He thinks he tried to mount the horse and it panicked.’

  ‘The fool, the fool!’ cried Lily, her hand going to her mouth. She could picture her father’s death vividly. Blood! Cry blood! She should have realised he’d do something stupid! She felt dizzy and clung to Matt. He led her over to the fireplace where a fire was laid and sat her on a chair and told May to make tea while he found the matches. He set light to the kindling before kneeling in front of Lily.

  He took one of her hands between both of his. ‘Your father was a grown man, not a child. He was responsible for his own actions. Don’t be blaming yourself.’

  The world steadied but it took a great effort for Lily to speak. ‘How did you know I was blaming myself?’

  ‘People often do in such circumstances.’

  ‘But it was my fault! If I hadn’t—’

  ‘No, it wasn’t!’ It was Ben’s voice. He had entered the room.

  Lily looked up and felt a rush of sympathy and affection for him. His face was drawn with weariness. ‘I’m sorry, Ben, you’ve had to cope with everything. It must have been terrible.’

  ‘Better me than you,’ he said in clipped tones. ‘I don’t know what he was thinking about. If he was thinking! He’d had a skinful, otherwise he’d have known better, but he never looked further than his own nose. I wish it hadn’t happened but …’ He ran a hand over his face. ‘Lousy homecoming for you. Did you have a nice honeymoon?’

  The question seemed so incongruous and she was so relieved he was not blaming her for her father’s death that a laugh burst from her. ‘Oh, Ben! What a question to ask!’

  ‘We had a beaut time, thanks,’ said Matt, smiling.

  Ben said, ‘If the truth’s known we’re going to miss our Lil more than him. I can’t help thinking Dad’s better out of it.’ He reddened and glanced at Matt. ‘I know that’s not very tactful but he would have only got worse without Lil around.’

  There was an uncomfortable silence, broken by May holding out a cup to Lily. ‘Let’s all have a nice cup of sweet tea!’ she beamed. ‘Everyone says it’s good for shock.’

  Lily managed a smile and sipped the tea. It was weak and too milky but at least it eased her dry throat.

  Matt asked Ben when the funeral was to be. He said there was to be an inquest and they discussed the arrangements which would have to be made afterwards. Lily felt as if it was unreal. Were they really talking about her father? What should she do? Matt said he would go with Ben to see William. She offered to go with them but he said they would have to take May if she went and they’d rather not. Besides she would be better resting. She agreed because her legs still felt weak. Then she suddenly remembered her younger brother and asked where he was.

  ‘He came in at lunchtime complaining of not feeling well so I told him he was best in bed,’ said Ben, running a hand through his dark hair. ‘I was surprised when he agreed.’

  Lily’s brows knitted. ‘In what way not well?’

  ‘He couldn’t say.’

  ‘It’s probably shock,’ said Matt.

  Without another word Lily forced herself to her feet and up the stairs.

  Ronnie was in bed, a Dandy in front of him on the blue and white cotton cover but he was not reading. His eyes flickered over her. ‘I thought I heard you coming in.’

  She sat on the side of the bed. ‘What’s up, Ron?’

  ‘Don’t feel well.’

  ‘Is it Dad dying?’ He shook his head and immediately winced. ‘Your head hurts?’

  ‘Yeah. And me throat, and I feel sick.’

  ‘Oh dear!’ She would have smiled at his woebegone face if she had not been feeling so miserable herself. ‘Is it my leaving? You do know I’m going to Australia?’

  ‘I don’t want you to leave.’ His voice was hoarse. ‘But it’s not that. I really don’t feel well.’

  ‘Shock can make you feel odd,’ she said soothingly.

  ‘It doesn’t make your throat sore,’ he rasped, frowning.

  ‘It could if you’ve been crying over Dad.’

  ‘I wouldn’t cry over him!’ His tone was scornful. ‘He never had any time for me, only himself!’

  Lily decided to ignore that comment. ‘Let’s have a look at that throat.’

  Obediently he opened his mouth. Even if his throat had not been red and sore-looking, the sight of his furry tongue was enough to convince her something was seriously wrong. She said that she would fetch him a drink and some aspirin and went downstairs to discover Matt and Ben had left.

  ‘They said they’d be back as quickly as they could,’ said May, the tip of her tongue protruding as she struggled with a piece of knitting.

  ‘Fine,’ said Lily absently, and made a fresh cup of tea, only to discover when she reached her brother’s room that he had been sick all over the linoleum. She had just cleaned up the mess and was washing her hands when Daisy arrived in from work, bringing fish and chips from the chippie.

  ‘So you’re back,’ said her sister, a relieved expression on her face. ‘What do you think? A right turn up for the book, hey?’

  Lily had to bite on her tongue to stop herself speaking her mind. She wondered how Daisy could sound so uncaring. ‘Do you think like Ben that it’ll make life easier for you?’ she asked, resting both hands on the table.

  Some of the brightness died in Daisy’s face and she was silent as she unwrapped the food. ‘At least he won’t be drinking our money away.’

  Lily sighed. ‘I suppose you’re right. But you’ve another problem. Ronnie’s not well. If he’s not improved by morning, I think you’ll have to get the doctor out.’

  ‘Me!’ She stared at Lily in dismay. ‘Can’t you do it now you’re home? You will be postponing going to Australia? I mean, we need you with all this upset!’

  Lily felt as if her heart plummeted into her stomach, and her fingers gripped the table convulsively. ‘Everything’s arranged! We’ve our tickets and Matt’s itinerary is all worked out!’

  ‘Matt could still go,’ said Daisy hopefully, beginning to unwrap the fish and chips. ‘I mean, I’m hopeless when people are sick.’

  ‘Ronnie is not people,’ said Lily irritably. ‘He’s your brother! And I’m sure you can cope perfectly well if you want to.’

  ‘Sure! I’ll give up work!’ said Daisy sarcastically. There was a silence. She sighed. ‘Sorry. But we’ll need my money, things aren’t going to be easy for us.’

  Lily thought swiftly. ‘I suppose I could call the doctor
and stay round here tomorrow if necessary, but I won’t be stopping so don’t depend on my doing so. You might have to give up work whatever you say. How are you going to manage everything otherwise?’

  Daisy shrugged. ‘Ben’ll manage the milking without me and our May’ll be here before and after school for people who want milk.’

  ‘She’s only ten!’

  ‘She’s older in the head,’ retorted Daisy. ‘And if you’re so worried about her being too young, you shouldn’t be leaving her.’

  Lily’s own head began to ache. ‘Listen, Daisy,’ she said strongly, ‘the last words Dad spoke to me were angry ones, so try and imagine what it’s like for me coming back to find him dead. The last thing I need is you trying to make me feel guilty about leaving you all. You are nineteen! I was only fourteen when I took over from Mam and I had May as a baby to look after – and Ronnie was only a year older. You should count yourself lucky.’

  ‘All right, all right. Keep your hair on. I didn’t mean to sound unfeeling. It’s just that everything’s been so terrible and confused!’ She bit savagely into a couple of chips.

  ‘You coped, though?’

  Daisy sighed. ‘It was only three days but it felt longer. I haven’t done any proper washing. God knows when I’ll manage to change the sheets. Will you be staying in Dad’s room?’

  ‘We planned on a bed and breakfast.’ Lily took knives and forks from a drawer in the sideboard.

  ‘You mean you vant to be alone?’ said Daisy, raising her eyebrows expressively.

  ‘We have only just got married,’ murmured Lily, just about hanging on to her temper.

  ‘But you’ll be here tomorrow? What about the day after?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Lily, through her teeth. ‘Let’s just take one day at a time. I’ll be here tomorrow with Ronnie, packing my few belongings while Matt gathers his things from the vicarage.’