My Darcy Mutates…

by Enid Wilson

  The Meryton Weekly

  ***

  “Now cut open the last ice cream tub lengthwise. What do you see?” asked the Quality Control manager of the day, whose name was Elizabeth.

  Darcy did as he was told and replied, with a deadpan expression, “I see ice cream.”

  “It’s Marble Fudge!” she said sternly. “The fudge should be evenly swirled throughout the container. If there is too much, or not enough, or if it is not properly distributed, then the product is rejected.”

  “Who would care about such a thing? Children get a Marble Fudge to eat, not to look at it.”

  “We care about our quality, Mr. Darcy!” She now had her hands on her hips. “So, what is your verdict?”

  He lifted the carton up and took a quick glance. “Seems fine to me.” Then he tossed it back onto the lab bench with a bang, accidentally knocking other cartons of ice cream around, splashing half-melted ice cream everywhere.

  She jumped away, but some of the ice cream got onto her face and clothes. “That’s no way to treat our beloved creations,” she exclaimed, clearly annoyed. “Not to mention the mess you’ve made of the lab and of my clothes.”

  “I can help you clean up.” He pushed her down to sit on the bench, then leaned over to lick a smear of vanilla from her nose.

  She tried to shove him away, but he had his arms wrapped tightly around her.

  “I’ll report you to the authorities!” she cried.

  “Report away,” he murmured, and sucked a drop of chocolate ice cream from her earlobe.

  A shiver ran through her body, and she braced her hands against his broad chest. “Mmm,” she moaned, “I think I’ll sell the story to the press instead.”

  He lowered his mouth to taste the strawberry ice cream on her smooth throat. “I can pay you far more to keep your mouth shut.”

  Her head dropped back as she chastised him. “I’ll tell your wife that you played nooky at work.”

  “My wife is playing nooky with me now.” Grinning, he parted her legs and positioned himself between them. Then he pulled down the neckline of her shirt, baring her gorgeous breasts. He used both hands to squeeze them hard, and said, “These cherry ice cream cones are in perfect shape. They will definitely pass my QC.”

  Capturing one hardened nipple between his teeth, he devoured the cherry, making her moan more loudly. Sticking out his tongue, he brushed it over her pink skin. Then his hands abandoned her bosom and headed south, busily unzipping his trousers and ripping off her panties.

  “What kind of community service is this?” Elizabeth demanded weakly, slipping her hands into his trousers to grab his tight bottom. “Why should you get to enjoy your judicial punishment?”

  He raised his hand and glanced quickly at his watch. “The official sentence ended fifteen minutes ago,” he said, and lowered her to lie flat on the bench top. “Now the unofficial sentence and taste-testing begins.” With that last word, he grabbed her hips and thrust his manhood into her hot entrance.

  “Ah!” she screamed in delight. Her hands flew out to grasp the bench, upsetting more ice cream onto their bodies in the process. She felt his thick, rock-like shaft impale into her sensitive inner muscles again and again, scorching every pore in her passage, spreading the fire from her core down to her thighs and toes, and up to her belly and breasts.

  “Yes!” she cried out as he continued to rapidly grind his shaft against her womb. His hands flew to her twin peaks, fondling and kneading them vigorously.

  When he lowered his head and used his mouth to nip up a large mouthful of Marble Fudge and push the icy, creamy liquid between her lips, it tipped her over the edge.

  The chilled fluid made the muscles inside her mouth tremble, resonating with the inner convulsions she experienced as she crested to her peak. Her legs wrapped tightly around his hips, sealing his cold belt buckle against the feverish muscles of her inner thigh.

  As she arched her body up, he yelled out loud and spilled his burning seed into her.

  Oh, what a tasting! Darcy wanted to try more flavors, preferably in a variety of positions. The thought made him hard entrance and turned her over.

  A passion-weakened Elizabeth found that she was in for another amazing temperature treatment. Her naked breasts were now pressed against the cold lab bench, while her buttocks were pounded repeatedly by her husband’s sweaty, burning body. Yet again, she was amazed by how he managed to last and last in order to bring her to peak after peak of pleasure.

  ***

  The billionaire convict William Darcy was seen departing from Ice Cream Vision three hours after he was supposed to have finished his community services. He left the premises grinning, in the arms of his wife, Elizabeth Darcy, who was believed to be the local woman originally at the centre of that fight with Wickham. The Darcys married six months after the assault.

  People demanded an investigation into Darcy’s sentencing. They suspected that bribery was involved in having him assigned for community service at an organisation started up by his wife in Meryton. Will this odd job for the rich boy teach him to better control his anger in future? Only time will tell.

  The Meryton Weekly

  Sexpert Challenge

  What if Mr. Darcy participated in a reality show?

  “William, please? Please! Have I ever asked you for a favour?” Georgiana Darcy clung to her brother’s arm, shaking it and pleading with him.

  “Georgie, you ask me for favours every day.” Darcy was busy reading a scientific report, and didn’t look up at her.

  Georgiana grabbed hold of his report, thrust it aside and said, “But this is my first job! Lady C is so kind to have given me the job of Production Assistant. This is her new quiz show. Please! What will you lose by agreeing to compete?”

  “What kind of quiz show is it again? And the name?”

  “I don’t know the details yet. Lady C just asked me to find four celebrity participants who have a good general knowledge of life. She said they would be paired up with four ‘normal’ participants. The four pairs compete for half an hour for each of three episodes. The winners will get a prize. The losers will have a little bit of a joke played on them. It will be shown on Channel 12 next season at 9.30 pm on Tuesday nights. And the points you earn will be converted to cash and donated to the charity of your choice.”

  “Your aunt has produced a lot of rubbish, through the years, and Channel 12 generally broadcasts stupid shows. Can you imagine what my fellow researchers would say if they saw me on a stupid quiz show?”

  “But you’re helping charity – and your family! Lady C said she’s had a difficult year, and I’m new in the business. If I do a good show, I might be invited to work on something bigger and better, like 'When the Maiden Meets the Prince'.”

  “I don’t know why you’re so obsessed with this show. You’re rich and elegant, and you can have any European prince you care to name.”

  “But it’s like pairing Cinderella with Prince Charming. I’ll be the fairy godmother.”

  “Why you would want to be a fairy godmother is beyond me!” He sighed. “Who have you persuaded, so far?”

  “I got Charles and Richard. I just need you and one more.”

  “Well, at least Charles and Richard will share in the embarrassment.”

  She beamed. “Thank you! Here’s the contract. You can ask your lawyer to have a look, but once you sign it, no backing out, understood?”

  “Just get out of my study now. I need to finish reading that report.”

  ***

  Lydia Bennet was badgering her sisters in much the same way, on the phone.

  “Come on, Jane and Lizzy, you have to help me. This is my big break in TV, my first PA job. What’s so difficult about being on a quiz show? You two are the intelligent ones.”

  “9.30 pm on Channel 12 is the doggy bit, Lydia. You know their shows aren’t my kind of shows,” Elizabeth said.

  “But Lady C is reputable for serious productions. She made The Strongest Link
and Sale of the Decade. Do you really think she would do anything too stupid? And she said she needed someone with good general knowledge about life.”

  “So?” Elizabeth was still uninterested.

  “Jane, I heard from the other PA that Charles Bingley would be on the show.”

  “Oh, then we’re lost!” Elizabeth exclaimed.

  “Why did he agree to do it?” Jane asked. Jane had exchanged goo-goo eyes with Bingley throughout his stay at the Bennet Outback Resort in Boobie Hill, two months earlier.

  Things had been heating up when Bingley was suddenly called back to Sydney on business. They still kept in touch via email and phone, but they hadn’t been able to see each other again since his departure.

  “He is a family friend of Lady C, apparently. You don’t want to miss a chance to get cozy with him again,” Lydia said.

  “How long will it be?” Jane asked.

  “We’ll be filming on a small island in Fiji. That’s an additional incentive to compete. We’ll stay there for a week. Imagine! A week on a romantic island with Charles Bingley. And the winners and participants will be given prizes, too.”

  “Does that mean that Darcy the Bighead will be there, too?” Elizabeth recalled her run-in with Darcy during his stay with Bingley. Darcy had met her at a party, where he had the audacity to say that she was ‘only tolerable, not pretty enough to dance with.’ For the remainder of his stay, Elizabeth had challenged his opinions at every opportunity, which was pretty often since Jane had liked to drag Elizabeth along when she first met up with Bingley.

  Lydia replied, “Darcy? I don’t know. He is a boring scientist with such a high IQ that he’s sure to win if he competes. I don’t think Lady C would want him on her show.”

  “Lizzy, please, do say you will go with me,” Jane pleaded. “You don’t know any of the other participants?”

  Elizabeth asked.

  Lydia crossed her fingers and said, “Not yet”. There’s no need to tell Lizzy I’ve asked cousin Collins, too. She’ll blow a gasket if she gets paired up with him.

  ***

  When the eight participants met at the plane to Fiji, there were some happy and some not-so-happy reunions.

  Jane and Charles were so delighted to see each other, they practically jumped into each other's arms. They stuck together, ignoring everyone else, most of the time.

  Darcy was furious with Georgiana for not telling him that Caroline the Climbing Ivy would be there, too. On the other hand, he was ecstatic to see Elizabeth the Little Hottie again. He’d had the hots for her ever since he stayed with Bingley at her family resort.

  Elizabeth had half-expected Mr. Bighead, so she was not very surprised at seeing him, but she was livid with Lydia for inviting Collins the Sticky Gum. She was sure the week would be a torture, because Collins always imagined himself to be in love with her, and stuck to her, every chance he had. Her only consolation was that Charlotte, her best friend, was also there. The only contestant she didn’t know was Richard Fitzwilliam. He seemed to be a friendly guy, so there might still be some joy left in the week.

  ***

  They were each given a simple bungalow. For just three episodes of TV, the production company sure spent a great sum of money, Elizabeth thought.

  After settling in, everyone gathered at the resort’s ballroom, which had been turned into a TV studio with a lot of props and many people working.

  Lady C announced, “Thank you for joining our show. Just a word of warning – anything you say or do in the studio will be filmed. We will use some of the more interesting bits as bloopers, so think before you say or do anything stupid here. But, of course, we won’t be filming outside.

  “Now, on to the details. You will be the first participants on our show. There will eventually be nine episodes, and you will compete in three of them. We will film here three times, with two different sets of participants after you folks.

  “The format of our show is very simple. We pair you up into four groups, and then you answer some questions, play some games and do some role-playing. All of you will receive a small personal prize for participating, and your points will be converted into cash to be donated to a charity of your choice. The final winner of the third episode will win a prize of two nights at the next island. Before any of you say that you’re too busy for the prize, I have asked our PAs to clear your calendar for two more nights, in case you win. The losers, however, will receive a ‘torture’.”

  “Torture!” all of the participants exclaimed.

  “Lydia, you didn’t say anything about that!”

  “Georgiana, I’m going to kill you!”

  Lady C cleared her throat and said, when silence fell, “They didn’t know. The format of the show was a secret. Anyway, it's not a real torture, just a trick, like dumping cold water on you, that sort of thing.”

  “Lady C, you never produced anything this stupid.”

  “Darcy, shut up. This is not stupid. This is entertainment. As you may remember, we asked you to fill out a form of what you like and dislike. We'll be making you face your fear. You, for instance, hate spiders, so we may put a spider on you if you lose.”

  People burst into laughter. No Spiderman, our Mr. Bighead, Elizabeth thought.

  “Now, as to the pairings…”

  Caroline waved her hand enthusiastically and said loudly, “I want to pair with Darcy!” Then Bill Collins moved near Elizabeth and yelled, “I’m here with my beautiful Lizzy.”

  “Be quiet! The pairings and your costumes were decided when you selected your drinks just now. We have assistants watching here, so no exchange is allowed. As you see, all of the men have blue cocktail glasses and the women all have red ones. Now, if all of you will take the stirrer out and bite off the cherry, you will see a number there.”

  “A penis-shaped stirrer! What sort of show are we on?”

  “Shut up, Richard! Caroline Bingley, what is your number?”

  “Four,” she replied reluctantly.

  “All right, ‘four’ is for a costume from Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.”

  “But, damn it, that’s ugly! I won’t dress in such ugly stuff.”

  “William Darcy?”

  “Three,” Darcy announced, and breathed a sigh of relief. At least, I won’t be paired up with the Climbing Ivy. It would be good to pair up with Little Hottie...

  “‘Three’ is for Batman and Catwoman.”

  “With the mask?”

  “No, we want the audience to see your face. Jane Bennet, what is your number?”

  “One.”

  “‘One’ is for the Indian costume. Richard Fitzwilliam, what have you drawn?”

  “Two.”

  “‘Two’ is for ancient Greek costume.”

  “Charlotte Lucas?”

  “I’m with Richard, I have two.”

  “Bill Collins?”

  “Four. Can I change? I don’t want to be with this hyper lady here. I want my Lizzy.”

  Good. Caroline and Bill deserve each other, Elizabeth thought. But that means I’m either with Charles or …

  “Charles Bingley?”

  “I’m with this angel! I got one.”

  Yes! Darcy shouted in his mind, Little Hottie is with me!

  “Show yours, Elizabeth Bennet!”

  “I have three.” Elizabeth turned to look at Darcy. She hadn’t talked much with Mr. Bighead yet, but he had been staring at her during the whole trip to Fiji. I hope he’s as smart as he said. I don’t want any torture.

  “I don’t like the pairing. I’ll quit if I’m not paired up with Darcy,” Caroline said petulantly.

  “Miss Bingley, I warn you. You have signed the contract, agreeing to participate in the show. If you quit now, I can sue you. However, since I can’t allow any disruption to the filming, that is why I have security men and women here. For cases like this,” Lady C said. “Annesley, take Miss Bingley to the Number Four changing room and see that she changes into the required costume.”

  �
�What are you doing? Let go of me!” Caroline was kicking and screaming. People couldn’t hide their laughter when they saw her carried over the shoulder of a strong, heavy-set security woman.

  ***

  “Georgiana, you never said I would be handcuffed to Elizabeth and strapped to the seat!” Darcy said. His left hand was tied to Elizabeth’s right one.

  “Lydia, why does this costume have so many seams? They seem to fall open at any time!”

  “Quiet, everybody! Just be patient and all will be revealed. And now here’s our host, George Wickham.”

  “Yuck! That slimy man.”

  “Oh, I think he’s quite charming.”

  “His charm is all fake.”

  “Let’s begin the show. If you all calm down and answer the questions, you can get out of your handcuffs and costumes much faster.”

  After a brief introduction, Wickham started the quiz.

  “Name the location of one of the first two sperm banks in the world.”

  Buzz!

  “Richard and Charlotte?”

  “Tokyo.”

  “Correct. In which country did the oldest sex manual, Handbooks of Sex, originate?”

  Buzz!

  “Richard and Charlotte?”

  “China.”

  “Correct.”

  “Hey Lady C, I thought this show was about general knowledge. Why are all of the questions about sex?”

  “Cut! Darcy, you’re wasting everyone’s time. Isn’t sex a part of life?”

  “Yes, but I’m a serious scientist. I refuse to participate in such a stupid show.”

  “You can refuse to answer any question, but then you and your partner will lose and receive your torture in the end. It just shows your fellow scientists that you’re less knowledgeable than your playboy cousin.”

  Richard groaned. “Now, Lady C, do you have to tell the world I’m a playboy? How can I chat up the pretty ladies here, if they know who I really am?” He flashed a grin.

  “Shut up, Richard! Now that you know more about the show, we can tell you the name of it. Wickham!”