My Darcy Mutates…

by Enid Wilson

  “Stop it! Stop it! This is gross!” Caroline screamed. She was definitely not following a script. Her head and face were marred with the dark-hued shit.

  “Miss Pumpkin Caroline, what’s so gross about it?” Wickham asked.

  “Get this yucky stuff off of me! Why do I have to partner up with this toad? Why can’t I have a nicer outfit? I’ll sue your pants off, bloody Lady C!”

  Lady C interrupted the film and said to the group, “Don’t worry about that last bit. It will be cut out.”

  “Interesting! Farmer Collins, your pumpkin can talk back. She called you a toad. Should you do something about her?”

  “Yes. This pumpkin is…very annoying. It doesn’t know how to stop talking. Let me try rolling and spinning her around.”

  Collins proceeded to rotate the pumpkin with Caroline trapped inside.

  “Stop, you toad! I’m going to throw up!” she screamed.

  “Farmer Collins, I have heard that, despite your constant arguments with Miss Pumpkin Caroline, you’re in fact very fond of her. Some neighbours tell me that you love your unfaithful wife very much. They saw you pampering her. Can you show us how you do that?”

  Wickham handed Collins a broom, which Collins used to brush Caroline from head to toe, mashing the fake manure all over her face. Then a bucket of water and a toilet brush were handed to him. He proceeded to pour the water all over her and brush her down.

  “I’m going to kill you…” she threatened shrilly.

  Their role-play continued for a few more minutes. At the end, Collins peeled off Caroline’s bulky pumpkin shell to reveal her sexy orange bikini once again. He attempted to give her a few kisses and fondle her a bit, to make the whole role-play sexy, but Caroline was furious. She grabbed the broom and toilet brush and chased Collins around, smashing his head with them.

  Nearly all of the people in the studio watching the clip were laughing their heads off. Caroline and Collins were neither looking at nor talking to each other.

  Lady C cleared her throat. “Now Charles and Jane, as Wild Tarzan and Jane. The host for this segment is Denny.”

  The couple were both in sexy animal costumes. Against a jungle backdrop, Jane appeared to be unconscious. Denny, in an ape costume, pointed to Jane’s body and asked, “Tarzan/Charles, what do we have here?”

  “An angel…? No, something like me,” Charles replied.

  “Not very alike.”

  “How so?”

  “This one has two balls here and you don’t.” The ‘ape’ pointed from Jane’s breasts to Charles’s chest and said, “Squeeze them and tell me what they are like.”

  Charles’s eyes widened. “Squeeze her breasts in front of …?”

  “Why do you call them ‘breasts’?”

  “I… heard some other apes say it,” Charles improvised.

  “Squeeze!” the ape said, and elbowed Charles.

  Charles knelt down near Jane and cupped her breasts lightly, making her moan.

  “Oh, it moves. How did the round balls feel? Are they as hard as coconuts?” the ape asked.

  “Of course not. They are firm but soft to touch.”

  “It seemed to have trouble breathing. You should give it some air.” He elbowed Charles again.

  “How?”

  Ape/Denny grabbed Charles, kissed him on the mouth, and said, “Like that. Or do you want me to give her air?”

  Charles pushed the ape away and bent over Jane to give her a soft kiss on the mouth. She gasped and her eyes opened.

  “Well done, Tarzan/Charles.” The ape poked Jane’s shoulder. “What’s your name?”

  “Jane.”

  “How did you find Tarzan’s mouth?”

  “He’s …soft. Quite nice.”

  “And how did you feel when he squeezed your breasts?”

  “Mmm…nice.”

  “Tarzan/Charles, look under her animal-skin skirt and see if she is different below, too,” the ape suggested.

  “What? No way!” Charles and Jane protested.

  “I’ll look, then, if you don’t.” The ape moved, but Charles stepped protectively between the ape and Jane.

  “Oh, you two are so boring!” The ape threw a tantrum. “Entertain me!”

  “Why should we? I’m Tarzan. I should be the one commanding in the jungle.”

  “So you want me to entertain you with Jane here?” Ape pretended to chase Jane. She squealed.

  Charles turned, picked her up and ran. Jane wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.

  The role-play neared a close with the ape chasing them into the jungle, through slippery foam. After a few slips and falls, both Tarzan and Jane, soaking wet, looked very sexy. Their performance also made many people in the studio laugh out loud.

  “Next we have Richard and Charlotte as Crazy Cop and Innocent Housewife. Their host is Wickham.”

  “Officer Richard, who have you got there?” Wickham asked Richard. They were in a holding-cell setting.

  “A housewife named Charlotte. A neighbour complained that a ring was missing, and she was caught lurking in the vicinity.”

  “Okay, Charlotte, hands on the wall, legs apart. Officer Richard, search her.”

  Richard obeyed and patting his way quickly down Charlotte’s body, touching her only in inoffensive places.

  “Hey, what did they teach you at the Academy? Search the lady thoroughly – or do you want me to take over? What do you say, lady? Which one of us do you want?”

  “Not you. Officer Richard, please!”

  “Move your butt, Officer.”

  Richard moved closer and ran his hands first over her arms, then moved towards her breasts.

  “It’s a ring we’re talking about, Officer. You need to conduct this search slowly and thoroughly!” Wickham barked.

  Richard slowed his tempo and moved his hands to cover her breasts. Both Richard and Charlotte were clearly flustered.

  “Anything, Officer?”

  “No, nothing.”

  “What? She doesn’t have any breasts?”

  “Sir, she doesn’t have any ring hidden there.”

  “Okay then, move down to her other hiding space, Officer Richard.”

  Richard’s breathing became quick and shallow. He moved his hands down her belly and then to the triangle at the apex of her legs.

  “Found anything?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Turn her around and tie her to the bars, wrists and ankles apart.”

  “What are you doing? Are you crazy?” Charlotte yelped.

  “Now, you tell Officer Richard where you hid the ring or he’ll have to use his top-grade interrogation technique.”

  “I want a lawyer! You can’t do this to me!” Charlotte screamed.

  Wickham handed Richard a gun, “Housewife Charlotte, this is a water gun. Fess up. Where is the ring?”

  Charlotte yelled and called Wickham all sorts of names.

  “Aim at her mouth to shut her up.”

  Richard did as was told.

  “Damn, Richard, do you have to be so obedient?” Charlotte was blazingly angry now.

  Richard grinned. “Sorry, he’s the boss.”

  “Now, let’s see what you learned about shooting at the Academy. As you can see, her white sundress has three red circles. Use them as your targets.”

  The audience’s attention was drawn to Charlotte’s white costume, which sported three red spots, each roughly 5 cm in diameter, placed 5 cm above her three most important areas.

  Richard aimed and shot at the first circle above Charlotte’s right breast. As the water touched the fabric, the material started to dissolve.

  “Damn! They’re made of rice paper!” Charlotte said.

  His on-target shot left a 5-cm hole above her right nipple, allowing the audience to catch a glimpse of the flesh there.

  “You’re crazy! Who thought of such a thing?” Charlotte yelled.

  “Officer Richard, the suspect accuses you of being crazy. Show he
r your crazy water gun.”

  Richard seemed to enjoy Charlotte’s outburst. For the past few days of their pairing, he hadn’t seen her lose her calm once. Privately, he thought that she looked rather magnificent when she was angry.

  With a devilish grin, he proceeded to shoot water at the circles above her left breast and above the apex of her thighs, exposing two more erotic holes, revealing tantalizing glimpses of Charlotte’s body for the audience to see.

  The role-play ended when Richard was ordered to kiss and fondle his captive into submission. Their role-play earned a lot of applause and whistles from the audience. Charlotte blushed red, while Richard’s face wore a silly grin.

  “And now for Darcy and Elizabeth, our Husband and Wife Porn Stars Team. Denny’s the host.”

  The film rolled to show the initial interview of Darcy and Elizabeth, applying for roles in a porn movie.

  “This porn is about a French aristocrat taking advantage of his maid. Now action!” Denny continued.

  Elizabeth, in her sexy French maid’s gear, carried a tray of hot chocolate into the bedroom setting, prepared to serve her master, who had just come back from a business meeting.

  “Monsieur, your hot chocolate,” Elizabeth said.

  “Put it on the bedside table.”

  “Darcy, you need to put some French accent in your line,” Denny added.

  “Put it on the bedside table.” Darcy repeated with a heavy French accent.

  When Elizabeth bent to place the drink down there, her ruffled lace panties were visible under the short skirt. Darcy moved behind her to trap her near the bedside table.

  “Monsieur!”

  He took the mug and drank a mouthful.

  Denny came to stand beside them. Taking Darcy’s hand, he placed it on Elizabeth’s right butt cheek. “Pinch and continue.”

  Darcy pinched her bottom slightly.

  “Monsieur, what are you doing?” Elizabeth whirled to face Darcy.

  “The chocolate is not hot enough. I … want something… hotter.”

  “What do you mean, Sir?”

  “The next action sequence is Darcy pushing you onto the bed. He parts your legs, smells your chatte – that’s your pussy, in French – uses the feather duster to play with you, and then mounts you. Both of you must act to give me the best fake climax you can. This is a screen test. If you two want the roles in our production, you have to give me the loudest moans you can manage. Now action!”

  When Darcy appeared reluctant, Denny elbowed him, urging him to move.

  Darcy leaned toward Elizabeth, making her topple onto the bed. The action made her body bounce on the mattress, her breasts shaking enticingly under the corset. He bent down and parted her legs slightly, but he still seemed reluctant to bend down and smell her womanhood in front of the camera.

  “Hey, man, do you know how to act? If not, move aside and I can show you!” Denny came forward and put a hand on Elizabeth’s leg.

  That alarmed Darcy. He exclaimed, “Don’t touch her,” then bent down and smelled her womanhood through the lace panties. It was a heavenly smell. He wanted to lick her there again. He could feel his arousal coming on.

  “Continue.” Denny said.

  “Votre chatte est brulante. I love your …hot chocolate! It has a …rich aroma.”

  “No, master,” Elizabeth protested and tried to kick and shake him away as the script instructed.

  Darcy held her legs and then took the feather duster from her hand. He traced the duster over her creamy flesh where it was exposed by the corset, then moved slowly down the front of her body and past her apex to the insides of her thighs.

  The slow ministration made Elizabeth moan aloud and abandon her struggle.

  “Now you’re all clean for your master,” Darcy said, and moved up over her as if to mount her body.

  “Il y a du monde au balcon, wench. Don’t pretend. I saw you… peeking at me when I took my bath, last night.” Darcy said.

  “I couldn’t help myself. You have the sexiest body,” she murmured.

  “Call me Master.” Darcy then smacked her hip lightly.

  “Master, you have the sexiest body.”

  “So you admit to wanting me, wench?”

  “Oui, monsieur.”

  Darcy then imitated the thrusting actions, burying his face against the deep V of her bodice.

  “Hey are you two professional porn stars? How come the moaning and screaming were so boring? Move over Darcy, let me demonstrate!” Denny said.

  His words prompted Darcy and Elizabeth to moan and scream loudly, exhibiting more passion as the fake thrusting actions began to excite them both. Luckily for them, only a few minutes passed before Denny called “Cut!”, signaling the finish of the role-play.

  ***

  Watching, Darcy and Elizabeth recalled how, at the end of the filming, they had breathed a sigh of relief, collected their normal clothes, uttered a hurried goodbye and scrambled out of the suite.

  When they reached Darcy’s room, he slammed the door shut and said, “Repliez sur la table.”

  Elizabeth eyes widened, “You want to continue the roleplay?”

  “Bend over the table, wench, or you will be up for punishment. Do as I say!”

  “Non, monsieur,” Elizabeth winked and protested. Darcy turned her around and bent her over.

  “Ouvrez vos pattes!”

  “Non, monsieur!” She was determined to defy his order.

  Darcy smacked her bottom and said, “Open your legs, wench!”

  “Ouch! That hurts!” Elizabeth continued to protest, still refusing to obey.

  “Then you will be punished for the entire night for disobeying your master. ”

  He used his knee to nudge her legs apart. His hands squeezed and cupped her breasts through the corset. He then freed his arousal, pushed her lace panties aside and thrust into her hot, wet womanhood from behind. Their coupling was intense and loud. And again they forgot protection.

  They didn’t come out for dinner that night. The French maid costume and feather duster proved very useful. Darcy said a few times “Votre chatte est brulante”, or your pussy is hot in French, throughout the night. He liked to drink her hot chocolate, and he dusted her down with the feather duster even more thoroughly…

  ***

  Darcy and Elizabeth were roused from their reverie about the steamy night they’d spent by admiring whistles from the audience in the studio. It seemed the clip of their role-play had ended and the audience had liked it quite well.

  ***

  So, who won the Challenge and two days of relaxation on another deserted island?

  Richard and Charlotte. They earned many points from the judges, who thought the water-gun shooting sequence was hilarious.

  And who lost?

  Surprisingly, not Collins and Caroline. It was Charles and Jane. It seemed that their role-play was neither hot enough nor funny enough, as compared to others. They were treated to the final torture of a painful full-body waxing (with their swimming costumes on).

  But what happened to our favourite couples?

  Georgiana made her way back into Darcy’s good books by arranging for Elizabeth and him to go off to Fiji without Collins and Caroline.

  From there, they traveled back to Boobie Hill, where Darcy stayed on his ‘parole’ for a week. Then after three months of long distance romance, Elizabeth moved to Sydney. She rented a small apartment and worked in a travel agent. Their romance continued.

  Darcy finally managed to persuade her to move in with him, five months later. Then six more months passed before she said yes to his marriage proposal. The High and Mighty Darcy Junior didn’t make an appearance for yet another year, But the happy couple then had three more children. Not surprisingly, the nerdy scientist was extremely diligent in his research, planning and implementing an endless array of sexy games and role-plays to spice up their matrimonial love lives.

  Bingley and Jane flew to Sydney after Fiji, where she

 
stayed there for three months before tying the knot. They had two children together.

  Richard and Charlotte carried on a hot affair for about three months before they drifted apart.

  As for Collins and Caroline, they eventually each found other targets to stalk, after four years.

  Why so long?

  It’s because Sexpert Challenge was a huge success for Lady C Productions. The show remained the top-rated program for Channel 12 over seven seasons. The saucy format and the successful romances of Bingley and Jane, as well as Darcy and Elizabeth, all contributed to the success of the show.

  As for Collins and Caroline, they both gave up their old jobs and became an ‘odd couple’ who were invited to many comedy shows and events. They were so busy with their appointments that they didn’t have time to stalk.

  One thing that continued to make Elizabeth and Darcy uncomfortable, however, was that every time they encountered Caroline, she would hint that Darcy had strange tastes in women, at which point she would attempt to console Elizabeth privately.

  And what about our famous TV-industry couple? Lady C was very satisfied with Wickham’s performance, both on- and off-screen. She kept him with her for many years. But as she grew older, she became increasingly interested in S&M. Wickham tried to leave her several times, but his spending habits and sexual proclivities had become so dependent on her that he had to return, each time, after a few months of straying. In the end, he became the most infamous ‘boy toy’ in the industry.

  Charmers In The Wallet

  What if Mr. Darcy was a foul-mouthed chef?

  “Jane, I want you to raise your bloody voice and give Lydia the shit! She’s late and she’s lazy. She cooks the crappiest oysters I have ever eaten. She skips out of the kitchen and flirts with all the male diners. Longbourn Restaurant will not survive another six weeks if you don’t begin acting like a boss,” Charles Bingley yelled at the top of his voice.

  His furious expression made Jane Bennet burst into tears. She pulled open the back door and ran out of the kitchen.

  He hurried after her. “Sorry, sweetie!” he called from the doorway. “I didn’t mean it. It’s only written in the script. You know Darce. He’s the opinionated one here. Jane, wait!” Charles took off his microphone and chased after her.