Between the Pain

by Gia Riley

  “You already have mine, Ryan.”

  Our lips and limbs tangle as my hands find their way under his shirt. I feel every ridge of his abs and every flexed muscle holding him above me. Hearing him groan, he gently lays on top of me, careful not to hurt me. We stay like this for a while until we both take things to the next level. Right here, right now, under the stars, we make love for the first time. There isn’t a more beautiful person I could imagine being with. Ryan’s body and soul are a perfect match for my own.

  Fate has a way of playing with the path we take. A chance meeting has become one of the most meaningful moments in my life. I don’t even want to think about how different things would be if I’d never run into Ryan at the hospital. I’d like to believe we would have found our way to each other anyway, but I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

  RYAN AND I EVENTUALLY MADE our way back to his parents cabin. Feeling safe and secure in his arms, I had the best night of sleep ever. The only thing that tops it is the way I feel waking up in his arms this morning. A girl could get seriously used to this.

  “Sleep well?” Ryan asks.

  “The best. Thank you for such an awesome night. I figured the night went to shit at dinner when poor Tanner blew up like a balloon. Then you go and pull something like this out of nowhere. I dunno Ryan; you just might be too good to be true. What’s your flaw? There has to be something. Nobody is that perfect.” I kiss his nose, morning breath and all and cuddle closer into his side.

  “Maybe I’m just one of the good ones,” he says as he runs his fingertips up and down my back. If he keeps this up I might fall back to sleep.

  “I think you’re right.”

  “Let’s go eat something and head over to the lake. We can jump in and then head home,” he says.

  “I don’t have a bathing suit, Ryan. Not going to work.” I roll over and slide my body from the bed. Stretching my arms over my head, I look down to realize how little I’m wearing.

  “Let’s go woman before I toss you back in here with me.”

  “That’s a bad thing?” I question.

  “Nothing about you is bad. I just want to show you the lake in the daylight.” He hops out of bed and tackles me anyway. So much for getting up. Thankfully the floor isn’t as comfortable as the bed so we get back up and find something to eat. Half hour later we’re on our way to the lake. With the sunlight reflecting off the water, it looks serene and something straight off a postcard. Ryan spends the next fifteen minutes trying his hardest to teach me how to skip a rock. His rocks skim the surface perfectly whereas mine just ker-plunk straight to the bottom.

  “At least you don’t throw like a girl.”

  He always finds the bright side of every situation. “Thanks babe.” When I bend down to look for another rock I feel his arms around me and he picks me up from behind.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing. I thought you looked hot and needed to cool off a little,” he says and I immediately know he’s up to no good.

  “Put me down, Ryan. So help me God if you try to toss me into this lake you will pay for it!” I yell as I kick my legs trying my best to remove his arms from my middle.

  “You put up a good fight, pretty girl, but you know I’m going to win. I’m bigger and stronger.” He has the balls to laugh at me!

  “Ryan, I can’t swim.”

  “Hallie, it’s like three feet deep, just stand up.”

  Dammit, that tactic won’t work. “I’m allergic to pond scum. You don’t want me to have to go to the hospital like Tanner did, do you?” He’s now cracking up and I’m bouncing against his chest as he suddenly tosses me in the air and I land completely under the water. My arms and legs are flailing around trying to find the bottom. Coming to the surface, I gag a little from the water going up my nose, stand up, and with my hands on my hips, I glare at him.

  “Oops. I lost my grip.”

  Trudging through the water as fast as I can, I leap back into his arms and push him over. We both end up going under together this time. I feel Ryan grab me and I wrap my legs around his waist and lace my hands behind his head. He stands up, shakes the water from his hair, and pushes mine out of my eyes.

  “I’m all wet, Ryan”

  “I bet you are.”

  “Seriously, can you focus for a minute?” I ask as I laugh along with him. I look down and realize my shirt is now see through. There’s no hiding underneath this useless piece of fabric.

  “Don’t think so because you look incredibly hot right now.” With me still holding onto him like a little monkey, he carries me out of the water and back to the path next to the lake. Both completely soaked, we begin our trek back to the cabin. Once inside, we both strip out of our wet clothes and hop in the shower. There was no use even asking if we were showering separately considering he carried me right in and turned on the water. A shower has never felt so damn good. I could stay in here watching the water droplets roll down Ryan’s chest all day long, never tiring of the delicious sight in front of me. Ryan must agree because he doesn’t even get all the soap out of my hair before his mouth crashes against mine. Shower sex is even better than truck sex. I’m looking forward to our next destination.

  That thought will have to wait because all too soon he is dropping me off at my front door. I’d kill for another night like the one we just shared, but we both have to be at work tonight. At least I can look forward to seeing him again soon.

  “No matter how busy we get tonight, you’re mine at some point.”

  “You know where to find me. Thanks for taking me to the lake.”

  “Anytime. See ya soon, pretty girl.” He leans over and kisses me on softly on my lips. I break away sooner than I’d like to.

  “Bye, Ryan.”

  I ARRIVE AT THE HOSPITAL a little tired from my active morning but ready to tackle my night. Ryan is waiting for me just outside the ER employee locker room. Since our stations only hold our computer and a small stool, we keep all of our personal belongings in a locker for safety reasons. There are way too many people coming and going in the department to be able to guard everything. He looks well rested like he probably took a nap instead of the monotonous cleaning I decided to do.

  “Hey beautiful. I missed you.”

  “You must really like me to think I look nice in these boring scrubs, but thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.” He puts his arms around me and pulls me close for a hug and kiss. Before I realize what’s happening he has me inside the locker room and up against the wall. His lips feel incredible against mine and his hands are tangled in my hair. Pulling away, we stare into each other’s eyes both breathing heavily.

  “What was that for?” I ask.

  “Just something for you to think about tonight,” he says.

  “Ryan. I’ll definitely be thinking of you all night.” I run my nails down his back making him groan from the contact.

  “I want you so bad right now, Hallie. Do we really have to wait until tonight?”

  “We do. I promise it’ll be worth the wait.”

  “You’re mine.” He kisses my the tip of my nose and goes back to nibbling on my bottom lip, slowly deepening the kiss creating another scorching memory to take along with me tonight.

  “You’re lucky it’s empty in here right now,” I say as I shudder from his wandering hands. Goosebumps are covering my body from his touch.

  “I have no idea if anyone is in here. Just took a chance. See what happens when you take a risk.”

  “You will get rewarded. Tonight.” I kiss him one last time before breaking our contact. I would stay in his arms all night but duty calls.

  “Have a good shift. I might get done early; we have two interns with us tonight so rounds should go pretty fast. I’ll let you know if I get out early though.”

  “Alright, see you soon.” I hug the shit out of him and watch as he walks out of the locker room. Lost in thought, I don’t even notice Amie peek around the corner.

&nb
sp; “Is the show over, yet?” she teases me.

  “Holy shit, Amie. Were you in here the whole time? I had no idea.”

  “Don’t apologize. That was the most excitement I have had in a really long time. No wonder you have been floating around the department lately, that turned me on and I wasn’t even getting any action. Damn, girl. I’m jealous. Does he have a brother?”

  “You’re married! That’s the second time I’ve had to remind you. I’m going to give him an earful when I talk to him. First the parking garage and now the locker room, that can’t happen again. We would have gotten fired on the spot for making out like two horny teenagers. My self-control sucks.”

  “Oh stop worrying. So I got a show, big deal. He does have a nice ass though. You were right about that.”

  I smack her arm but can’t disagree with her statement. “He does, doesn’t he? Let’s get going.”

  “Okay, but don’t think I didn’t notice you skipped over the parking garage. You will be telling me that story before the night is over.” And Ryan wondered why I had concerns about dating while we worked in the same place. Prime example right here. I can’t be mad at him though. Not when I can’t keep my own hands off him.

  THE ER IS INCREDIBLY BUSY TONIGHT. I haven’t had a chance to eat or check my phone to see if Ryan left early. There’s no way I’m getting out of here on time that’s for sure. I feel bad but we just got slammed with ambulances coming in from a traffic accident.

  Normally I would be frazzled with my current caseload, but am currently kicking ass. Thankfully the charge nurse called in a few on call staff members to help us catch up before the shift change. Nurses are already spread thin tonight, so the extra help is a God send. Amie jumps over and helps me with my patients. Since she was technically scheduled to be off an hour ago, I’m surprised to see her still floating around. Thankful for her dedication to the department and my sanity, I thank her about ten times. I feel bad keeping her from Todd and her kids but she assures me she doesn’t mind helping me out.

  Two hours breeze by and I’ve caught up pretty well. I might even get to take a quick bite of the pizza Dr. Kirk ordered for the department. He knew none of us would get more than a few seconds to eat tonight, so it was very thoughtful of him. Granted every time the door to the break room opens, the guy in bed 5 gets a whiff of the pizza, pissing him off. The poor guy is waiting for some tests and hasn’t been able to eat for most of the day. He didn’t find his delicious dinner of contrast barium very appealing in comparison. As I exit his room, the hospital operator comes over the intercom system. She would be the mysterious voice you hear coming from the ceiling when you’re wandering around the hospital during visiting hours.

  The alert of a trauma patient coming in reminds me I’m assigned to the trauma bay tonight. This isn’t how I wanted to end my night. I rush back to the bay and begin putting on my scrub gown, gloves and getting all the necessary supply kits ready for the attending physician. We all stand around waiting for the patient to arrive. The EMT’s are briefing Dr. Kirk over the phone on their way in. It seems the accident happened only a few blocks away so our prep time is practically nonexistent.

  It’s in this moment I find myself having an out of body experience and my training takes over. There’s no time to over-think, only act. I listen to the physician calling the shots, watch his moves and anticipate anything he may need. I get IV lines established quickly if they haven’t already done so on the way in, so I can draw labs right away. This dance can only be described as organized chaos. Running on pure adrenaline, everything seems brighter, more intense, and I immediately separate myself from the patient. I worry about nothing but the job I’m trained to do. It’s only after a patient has been removed from the department that I come back down from the adrenaline high. Some people can’t imagine how this is possible, how I can separate emotions from reality. The truth is, nobody really can. If I ever become desensitized after the rush, then I know I need a change.

  I WRITE THE STATS OF the patient on the white-board. Male, late twenties, possibly early thirties. No driver’s license on him. Likely an employee. Wearing scrubs. I write the stats on the board under the ID number admitting has already assigned to this case. Rushing through the doors, the EMT’s rattle off vitals as we work. Looking up from the board, my world stops.

  “Please, no.” Before I even realize what I’m doing, I run out of the trauma bay to my station. Opening my drawer, I dig out my cell phone. The damn thing takes forever to load up and I search my messages. There are two from Ryan. The first says he misses me and can’t wait to see me later. The second is my worst fear. He was done early and heading home. Tears are coming quickly as the shock continues to take over my body.

  The next thing I know, I’m running back into the trauma bay. I need to see him. He has to be okay. What the hell happened? My whole world is lying on a stretcher as a god damn trauma patient. I run over to the side of the bed and grab his hand. Amie comes up next to me; at least I think it’s her voice I’m hearing.

  “Hallie, you need to go sit down. Calm down, please. You need to leave the area. Let them help him. Mary is taking your spot,” she says to me. I can’t look at her or anyone else. I feel like the floor is tilting and things are slightly fuzzy. My breathing becomes shallow, coming in uneven bursts. I jab my nails into my palms to try to keep myself from passing out. As much as I want this to be a bad dream, this is all very real.

  “Why won’t he look at me? Baby, please open your eyes. Amie, I told him it was too dangerous to walk home late at night. Dr. Kirk help him!” I yell as Amie takes me by the shoulders and ushers me to the other side of the room. She sits me down on an empty gurney. I stare at the tiles on the floor but keep talking to Ryan, even if he can’t hear me. “Ryan, please wake up. I’m right here. Don’t you dare fucking leave me.”

  Amie hands me some tissues and rubs my back. Tears are pouring down my face and my hands are shaking. When I look up, I see Sean, in full social worker mode, staring me straight in the eyes with a look of pure horror on his face. Whatever he is about to say I’m not going to like. Instead, he walks over to me and pulls me into his arms. I sob into his shirt as he holds me. I hang on for dear life, almost like the harder I hold on to him, the faster things will be okay.

  My body is shaking and I feel freezing cold. My teeth chatter while Sean begins to talk to me in his soothing therapist voice. “Hallie, you need to calm down and take deep breaths.” Not only does this piss me off, I know what he’s trying to accomplish. There’s no chance in hell I’m calming down anytime soon. So instead, my inner pissed of bitch speaks. “What do you want Sean? In case you haven’t noticed my boyfriend is lying in there dying and they won’t let me near him. No, I’m not okay and nothing you say to me is going to make things better, so go give your bullshit speech to someone else.” I get up and walk closer to the curtained off area.

  We were warned of the protocol should a family member ever be whisked through the doors of the ER during an emergency. No amount of proper protocol planning could have prepared me for the feeling of seeing Ryan as my patient. Frozen in place, I hear a code alert announced by the operator. As if there wasn’t enough staff in the room working on him, ten more come rushing through the doors. I numbly hold onto the edge of the curtain and watch the events unfolding before my eyes. And then, it seems as soon as it all started, it’s over. Everyone looks defeated as Dr. Kirk raises his head, looks into my eyes with his own glossy tears and announces, “time of death, 12:24 a.m.” And with those three simple words, my world as I know it officially ends.

  I didn’t even know my feet were moving until I am backed up against the white board screaming. I scream louder than humanly possible as I slowly slink down the wall and plant myself right on the floor in front of his bed. I’m sitting on bandages, tubes, and all sorts of dirty supplies, but I don’t care. I rest my head on my knees as every ounce of hope I had up until this moment, pours out of my body.

  Sean lets me get i
t all out before he comes over to me, bends down and picks me up. His strong arms carry me away from this hellish scene. I should fight to stay. I should go be with my Ryan, but every inch of my body is aching. I allow them to take me to the lounge tucked discreetly outside of the ER.

  “Hallie, Amie brought you a change of clothes and some water. You should change. You have some blood on your clothing from the floor,” Sean tells me. The guy from the security team who heard my screams and responded slips out of the room without a single word.

  “Anything else I should do, Sean?” I know it’s wrong of me to take out my anger on him, but he’s the only one in here that I can bitch to. “Should I stop crying, sing their praises for trying to save him even though they failed miserably? What exactly do you recommend for me? How about you cut the shit and leave me alone. I’ll sit here and change my pants and drink the water which still won’t solve a damn thing. I want to go see him. There are some things I need to say to him.”

  “I understand how you’re feeling, Hallie but…” I cut him off before he can go any further. “You understand? How can you sit there and say that. You have no idea what I’m feeling right now. None! Whatever your textbooks taught you to say in a situation like this won’t help me!” My words come out spiteful and laced with venom.

  “You’re right, Hallie. I’ve never been in your shoes. I’ve never had to witness something so incredibly awful, but I’m still here to listen. Tell me how you do feel then. Spell it out for me. Make me understand.”

  His words are sincere but seeing the look of pity on his face makes me hate him. I don’t want his pity and I surely don’t need his help. I absolutely can’t stand his need to analyze every inch of me in this moment. I look like shit. I feel like shit. What more is there to know! “I don’t really feel like explaining anything right now, thanks anyway.”