Between the Pain

by Gia Riley

  I go into the kitchen and grab the entire bottle of wine. The hell with a glass. I sit back against my headboard and continue to cry. Hopefully I can drink myself to sleep and not have to worry about feeling the way I do anymore. My phone chimes with an incoming text.

  Sean: You asleep?

  Hallie: Nope. Can’t sleep.

  Sean: You okay?

  Hallie: No, not really.

  Sean: What’s wrong?

  Hallie: Everything.

  Sean: Go unlock your front door. I’m coming back.

  Hallie: Okay.

  This might not be a good move on my part but it beats being alone. I hate feeling weak and needy. I don’t want to use Sean for comfort, but right now, I just want to feel close to someone. I continue to drink my wine while my buzz returns, warming by body and heightening my emotions. Apparently I am a sappy drunk tonight. I hear the front door open and close. Before long, Sean figures out I’m in my room and makes his way up the stairs. It’s dark but I see him remove his shoes and walk over to my bed. He sits down next to me and brushes my damp hair off my cheeks. Without words, I can feel him assessing me, debating where to begin with how I’m currently feeling. Problem is, I don’t want him to treat me like a patient.

  “You still drinking?” he asks as he takes the bottle of wine out of my hands, placing it on the night stand next to my bed.

  “It helps me fall asleep,” I tell him with my head propped up against the headboard. My eyes are already feeling heavy so I push myself down, crawl under the blankets and lay on my side facing Sean.

  “You want to talk about what you said in your text?” he asks.

  “Not really. Will you stay with me tonight, Sean?”

  “Yeah, I will. I wish you would talk to me though. Is it okay to take my jeans off?”

  “Yeah,” I tell him as I watch him remove his pants and take off his shirt. He looks sexy in his boxer briefs. His muscles flex as he pulls back the covers and climbs into bed with me. He pulls me close to his chest. He must have taken a shower after dropping me off. The smell of his body wash still lingers on his skin. I lay my head in the crook of his arm and curl into his warm body. When I close my eyes I see Ryan looking back at me. Sleep comes quickly, taking me to my favorite dreams.

  I wake up feeling warm with a hard body lying next to me. Looking at the clock it’s only 3 am. Sean is asleep and breathing softly. I slide out of bed and make my way to the kitchen for some water. My mouth is beyond dry and my head is already starting to hurt. I pop some pills for my headache and take my water back to my room. Climbing back in bed, Sean is still asleep. He looks peaceful so I roll over to my side and stare at the wall begging sleep to come back and claim me. Before I even close my eyes, I feel his arms wrap around me.

  “You okay?” he asks but I don’t answer. “Hallie, what’s wrong?” I roll over to face him and decide I would rather feel than talk. I look into his eyes, it’s dark but I can still see his features in the shadows of the room. I lean over and touch my lips to his, patiently waiting for him to kiss me back. It doesn’t take long for him to respond and pull my body on top of his. His hands roam over my ass and back, encouraging me that he is into the moment as much as I am. My hands move into his soft tresses where I lightly tug, eliciting a growl from his throat. Before I know it, I’m flipped onto my back and he’s now hovering over me, removing my tank top and freeing my bare chest for his appraisal. My shorts follow closely behind as I reach up and pull his naked chest down on top of me. “You’re so beautiful,” Sean says in between passionate kisses. Our bodies are tangled in the sheets as he makes me come alive for the first time in so long. No longer feeling any pain, I let myself float freely as the heat of the moment swallows me up. When we both begin to reach our peak, I am consumed by the emotions I feel running through my body. Sean meets me stroke for stroke as we tumble over the edge together.

  When we finally come down from our post orgasmic bliss, he pulls me close to his side and runs his hands up and down my back. We lay like this and before long; I hear his breathing even out letting me know he dozed off. I slide out from beside him and go to the bathroom to clean myself up. As I climb back in my bed, Sean stirs and wakes up. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” He pats the spot next to him silently telling me to lie back down.

  “You okay?” he asks as he runs his fingers through my hair, twirling a piece around his finger. His touch is both soothing and calming, exactly what I need in this moment.

  “Yes and no. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

  “Hallie, I didn’t come over here for sex. I came over because I care about you and was worried you needed someone tonight. Today was an emotional day for you; I wanted to be the guy you came to for help, not Alex and definitely not some random asshole in a bar.”

  “Were you jealous, Sean?” I playfully tease him.

  “Absolutely! He was grinding his junk on your ass, Hallie. He was a jackass.”

  “Ryan, calm down. I was just trying to get a drink out of him. He wasn’t my type at all. He had a popped collar on his polo!” I say with a laugh.

  “What did you just call me?” he asks me as he sits up in the bed, pushing aside the sheet in the process.

  “What are you talking about?” Before I get an answer, I watch as he stands up and starts putting his clothes back on.

  “This was a mistake. I fucking knew it was too soon just like Amie said. Tell me Hallie, did you have sex with me or him tonight?”

  “You don’t mean that. You think I’m a mistake?” I ask as my eyes fill with tears once again. I’m so sick of crying I could scream. This isn’t me. This emotional baggage shit is too much to handle.

  “Yea, apparently it was a mistake. And for the record, my name is Sean.” He picks up his keys from the night stand, grabs his cell and walks out of my room, slamming the front door behind him.

  Immediately I feel dirty from the night’s events. Rushing into the bathroom, I turn the water on as hot as I can stand it, climb in and start furiously washing any trace of Sean from my body. I scrub so hard my skin is red. Guilt for betraying Ryan and the aftermath of what just happened in my room takes complete control of my body. I sob into my hands covering my face, sinking to the floor of the tub where I hold my knees close to my chest and let the water fall over my head. Sean was absolutely right; I did picture Ryan a few times while I was with him. I was so desperate to stop feeling, I did the exact opposite. I didn’t feel for him the way I should have, but rather got lost in the moment of my internal fantasy. He has every right to be upset with me. I honestly considered giving him a shot. He was everything I needed tonight, supportive, caring and he even opened up to me. I repay him with calling him my dead, ex’s name. No matter the progress I feel I made with letting go of Ryan, I continue to mess things up.

  “Hallie, come here,” Alex says as he turns the water off and wraps me in a fluffy, pink towel.

  “Wha..what you are doing here?” I ask in between sniffles.

  “Sean texted me, telling me to come over here as soon as I could. We exchanged numbers back at Shorty’s when he said he was taking you home. Want to tell me what happened between the two of you?” He carries me back into my room and lays me on the bed. He pulls out sweats and a tank top. When I don’t jump to put them back on, he takes it upon himself to help me along.

  “Did you go home with that Josh guy you met at the bar?” I ask.

  “No. He has a boyfriend and so do I. Now quit stalling. What happened?”

  I explain to him how Sean came over after he dropped me off and everything that followed. He shakes his head when I get to the part about calling him the wrong name and it’s clear he sees Sean had every reason to walk out on me. “How do I fix this, Alex?”

  “I’m not sure you can. You hurt him, that part is clear. No guy wants to be second best or never be able to live up to the standard of someone else. He probably feels like you’re still in love with Ryan, which I tend to believe also. I’m not su
re you were ready to jump into a physical relationship with him yet, but I think you can be. He seems to care about you a lot. He told me at the bar and I could see it in his eyes when he saw you perform. You’re everything he wants. You just have to decide if he is what you want.”

  I dry my eyes and take a deep breath. I get it, I really do. What I did was low and wrong. I’d be lucky to have a guy like Sean in my life. If I haven’t already messed it up, I have to think of a way to try again with him. I don’t think I can live with being known as his mistake. “Alex, I need your help. How can I apologize and show him the real Hallie?”

  A huge smile breaks out on Alex’s face. “There’s my fighter! Just be real with him. He’s good for you, Hallie. You’re human and messed up but it doesn’t mean he hates you. Don’t give up until he hears you out. Once he has the facts then let him decide.

  I’VE TRIED TEXTING SEAN A few times but he hasn’t responded to any of my messages. I’ve looked around work for him but he is either really good at avoiding me or has switched his schedule around. Hopefully, that isn’t the case. As I’m drinking my coffee at Whereabouts Café, I see him walk inside and order a coffee to go. He looks up, spots me at my table, gives me a sad half-smile and keeps on going back out into the crowded hustle and bustle of the morning commute. I watch him until he disappears down the sidewalk. Any hope of reconciling is going to be much harder than I thought. Since he was wearing work clothes, I know he’s heading to the hospital. I’m off today but decide to try sending him an email in another attempt to have him hear me out. Something has to work eventually. I won’t let him avoid me forever.

  By the time I get to my car, I nix the idea of the email. Deciding to bypass him completely, I call the scheduler for his department and request a private meeting with Sean. His secretary tells me he has an opening this afternoon so I snatch it up and have her put me in his schedule under a fake name for fear he will see my name and cancel the session before I arrive. He and I need to talk and I can’t think of a better place than during a counseling session.

  With my meeting in place, I head home to change into my favorite yellow dress and boots. I pace around my living room going over what I want to say to him a thousand times before I flop down on the couch and say a silent prayer that he even lets me stay long enough to get it all out. I’ve decided today is truly the first day of the rest of my life. I know I’ve said that before, but today, I actually mean it. I’m determined to pull myself out of my funk and start living again. Ryan would want me to keep moving forward and I know he saw Sean as one of the good guys. If I am putting myself out there again, at least I can go slowly with someone with a good heart.

  By the time I get to the hospital, my stomach is churning with anxiety. Forcing myself to take a few deep breaths, I make my way inside. I avoid the employee entrance and elevators, opting to blend in with the visitors today. The receptionist makes me take a clip-board full of papers to fill out. I may have overlooked this little problem in my planning, but I fill it out as slowly as possible so I can take it back to the room with me to trash it before it makes its way into an official file. Just as I finish the first page, a nurse comes out to call me back to Sean’s room. After telling me he will be in shortly and handing me a cup of water, I sit down on the end of the couch. Quickly, I get back up and opt to sit in the chair instead only to finally end up back on the other end of the couch. Happy with my seat selection, I fiddle with the hem of my dress and smooth out my hair.

  I feel the seconds tick by as I watch the door handle twist with the door slowly opening. Sean is looking down at my chart probably looking for my missing paperwork. He glances up, back down and does a double take. “Hallie, what are you doing here? You can’t be in here right now. I have a patient I need to see.”

  “I’m your patient. Megan is me. I made up the name and scheduled this session with you. You wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and ignored me this morning at the coffee shop. We need to talk, please,” I plead.

  He takes a deep breath, lets it out and sets his papers on the table in front of us. Unsure if he will hear me out or not, I get up from my seat and kneel in front of him with my hands on his knees. I say his name and wait for him to lift his chin to look in my eyes. When he does, I start talking as fast as I can so he can’t cut me off.

  “Sean, I’m sorry I had to resort to interfering with your work schedule, but I had no clue what else to do. I’m actually sorry for a lot of things that happened between us. You were right though, my motives were all wrong and I did want something physical between us for all the wrong reasons. I was very wrong, I get that and I admit it openly. My mind was in a very bad place that night. You were convenient and I took advantage of your feelings for me to get what I wanted. I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything that happened that night. What I do know is that I do feel something for you. I know I need more time before I can officially date again, but I don’t want you out of my life. I don’t regret what happened and it wasn’t a mistake. I learned a lot from it and I’m finally able to separate my guilt from my feelings for you. They are very real, there’s no doubt about that. While you don’t owe me anything, I need you to give me another chance to be your friend for all the right reasons. Do you think you can do that?” I take a big breathe and leave the decision to him. If he wants to see me again, it’s his call.

  “It took guts to come here today. I’ll give you that much. I’ve thought about things a lot too, Hallie. I’ve been in competition with Ryan since the day you and I met at the conference. I can’t compete with him anymore. When you’re with me, you see him. I don’t know if I can get into something with you knowing I’m being compared to someone else constantly.” He puts his head between his hands and rests them on his knees. I quickly move back, slightly stunned by his words yet aware what he is saying is valid.

  “Would it change anything if I told you I’m sorry?” I ask.

  “It’s not a matter of being sorry. I won’t lie; I’ve had my eye on you for a while. I did arrange the conference on purpose. Maybe my methods were wrong, but I needed to get to know you and I figured that was a good way in. My feelings for you haven’t changed but my God Hallie! I was with you the other night and while our bodies were connected, you were pretending I was someone else. That kills me, no matter how sorry you are.”

  The look of anguish on his face tells me there will be no second chance for the two of us. A lone tear falls down my cheeks when I can no longer hold back the build-up of moisture in my eyes. Standing quickly, I turn my head refusing to let him see my tears. “Can you throw away my papers, I hope you won’t need to bill me for today.” I grab my purse and rush to the door fleeing from this horrible plan of mine.

  “Hallie, wait a minute.”

  I stop in my tracks. Sean stands up and walks over to me, placing his hands on both sides of my face, urging me to look into his eyes. When I do, I see they are filled with as much emotion as I am feeling right now. “Can we start over? Because you walking out that door and never speaking to me again isn’t how this should end. When we are together, I need you to only be with me. Whether it’s as friends or more, that’s all I ask. I can be patient and wait for you. You’re worth it.”

  Blinking away my tears, I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head against his strong chest. I say a silent thank you to whatever force from above turned this moment around for the both of us. I shake my head up and down agreeing with his plan.

  “Hallie, I need to hear you say the words.”

  Pulling my head back from his body, I look up into his soothing turquoise eyes and tell him, “yeah, I’d like that.” The smile I get in return is worth every tear I’ve shed over the course of the last few months and there have been a million.

  “You know, you still have twenty-five minutes left in your session. I think you should take full advantage of the time you set aside today or I will be forced to bill you.” The mischievous gleam in his eyes isn’t lost on me.

  �
��Sean, we just agreed to be friends and take our time. I know we had sex already and did things in the wrong order, but you have to give me some time.”

  “I know, Hallie. You can’t blame me for trying, though. I’ve had a taste of you. I will always crave more.”

  I smile because I really do appreciate his feelings for me. His words make me feel special, but I also know it wouldn’t be fair to rush into a new relationship until my mind is in a better place. “Sean, you know about this stuff better than anyone, do you think I would benefit from a support group or something like that? I don’t want to offend you, so I wanted to ask you before I made an appointment. I’ve been thinking about it a lot the past couple days. Being whole, so we can figure things out, is important to me.”

  “It’s a great idea, Hallie, and I have a few I can recommend to you. You know you can still talk to me about this stuff. Just because we’ve struggled doesn’t mean you have to hide anything from me. You get that right?” he asks with concern written all over his face.

  “I do, and thank you, but I think this is something I need to do for myself. To make sure I can stay whole and not let my past dictate my future.”

  He takes my hand and places a soft kiss on my cheek. “As much as I would love to continue this session, I have to get ready for my next one.”

  “You mean all of your patient’s aren’t this fun?” I ask as I slowly stand up and stretch. My dress rides up, revealing a few extra inches of my toned thighs. His eyes shift right to the hem of my dress and he exhales dramatically.