Liquid Regret

by M. J. Carnal

  “You slut!” She laughs so hard that I can’t help but blush. “It’s you. I knew it. You’re always on the lookout for anything having to do with Liquid Regret and I see it in your eyes every time you look at his picture. Holy shit. I can’t believe this.”

  “Lane, swear to me that this stays between us. No one else can know. It was a quick summer fling and I don’t want all the questions or the attention.”

  “Pinkie promise. But you’re telling me the whole story. Drinks on Friday?” Laney grabs her bag and throws it over her shoulder. “You’re my hero, Mimi.”

  Once she walks away, I realize how alone I really am. When I first moved to LA, I stayed with Lily and Steve. It was so much fun and we stayed up way too late every night. Once I started working, it made more sense to rent an apartment close to the aquarium. The rent is perfect and the one bedroom provides just enough room for me and my memories. I need to get out more. I need to meet more people. I need to start dating. Now that Damien is engaged, there’s no reason to hold on to the hope of being with him one day. It’s time for me to take a deep breath, pull up my big girl panties and move on.

  Drinks Friday night sound perfect. “Just what the doctor ordered.”

  “Table for two?” The waitress rolls her eyes as she takes in Laney’s outfit. The girl can’t help herself. She’s self-confident, wearing loud colors and short skirts. Her spikey hair always looks like she just rolled out of bed but I know she spends hours on it. She pierced her nose last week and it’s her. I can’t even remember what she looked like without it. I envy her. She’s fierce and exactly what I strive to be.

  “Did you see her roll her eyes at me?” She laughs as she pulls out her barstool. “What a bitch.”

  “Jealousy. That’s all it is.” I wink at the bartender as he approaches us. “Two chocolate martinis please.”

  “So spill it.” Laney applies another layer of lip gloss and licks her lips. Her eyes never leave the bartender. “I love a man covered in tattoos. If I lick him, he’s mine.”

  I can’t help but stare as he puts down our drinks and she leans across the bar and licks his neck. Fearless. I’m going to start making mental notes. By the end of the night, I will be a flirting pro. “You’re a rock star. I swear you have no filter and no fear. Teach me oh wise one. I need to learn your wild ways.”

  “Says the woman being screwed by the lead singer of Liquid Regret.”

  “It wasn’t like that. It was sweet and innocent. A little romantic. It was never more than that.” I wring my hands together in my lap. “I knew he was leaving and I tried to protect myself. I fell in love with him and I let him walk away. I never did anything to pursue him. Now he’s getting married and I’m spending my Friday night in a bar with you. So, cheers.”

  Laney’s eyes grow wide as she stares behind me. I don’t even want to know what her next prey looks like. It will just further depress me and remind me that I have no social skills whatsoever. I take another sip of my drink waiting for her to say something but nothing comes. The hair on the back of my neck stands up and my stomach churns. I don’t even need to turn around to know who will be there. Taking a deep breath, I bite my lip and watch Laney for clues. When she stands up and walks away, I have my answer. He’s here.

  “Mia.” He whispers.

  Chapter 3

  “Silence is my enemy, the demon that haunts me.

  You’ve stolen my soul, I will never be free.” – Liquid Regret

  Holy shit. She’s here. I know it the second I walk into this hole in the wall bar. She’s sitting with her back to me but I would recognize her anywhere. The expression on her friend’s face is priceless. I pray that she isn’t about to scream or rush me. I just want a night off from the bullshit. The rumor about my engagement is ridiculous but I don’t see any way out of it. I beat myself up all day and complained so much that I thought the guys would throw me off the tour bus. It’s my new reality, like it or not.

  I stop dead in my tracks when I hear her voice. She’s telling her friend about us. My heart swells with pride. The object of every wet dream I’ve had, the vision I see every night when I go to bed, the muse for every lyric I have written for months. And she’s right here. If I reach my hand out, I’ll touch that perfect, pale skin.

  “Mia.” I whisper her name and she tenses. I smile at the goose bumps that break out on her arms.

  She turns slowly, her emerald eyes wide with shock. “Damien.” Her voice is breathless. I immediately want to wrap my arms around her. “What are you doing here?”

  Do I hug her? I’m not sure. Fuck it. I pull her into my chest, burying my nose in her hair. Every nerve ending in my body is instantly alive. This girl is an obsession. Her arms are slow to close around my waist, but when they do, I’m home. I’ve instantly forgotten about my shitty session with the band today. My pretend engagement to that supermodel witch is stripped from my memory. There is nothing in this moment but Mia and how my life is better with her near me.

  She pulls away quickly and I stumble backwards. Her eyes are wide and moist. “We have a week off before we hit the West Coast. The guys call this home so here we are. Why are you here?”

  Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “I moved here a while back. I got a job offer and I wanted to be closer to Lil.”

  “You look beautiful.” Her hair is longer and her eyes seem brighter.

  “Dude.” Harley laughs behind me. “D’s a rude son of a bitch. Hi. I’m Harley.”

  Mia laughs and takes his hand. I should have known Harley wouldn’t shake it. Bastard kisses her hand and winks. “I’m Mia.”

  “Oh Shit. The legendary Mia?” Lennon about crawls over Harley to get to her. “Nice to meet you, sweetness. I’m Chance. As in, want to take a chance on me?”

  “Jesus. Back the fuck off.” I can’t help but laugh. They’ve heard the stories, pulled me out of my own ass when I needed it and now, they are meeting the woman that sent my brain into a tailspin. “They’re cavemen. Ignore them. They don’t get out much.”

  Mia’s laugh is musical. “It’s nice to meet you guys. I’m a huge fan.”

  “Please. We’re the fans. We’re happy to meet the woman who’s inspired some of D’s best lyrics.”

  She blushes and it’s the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen. She is the definition of pretty. No matter how many nights are spent thinking about her, the real thing doesn’t even compare. How in the hell did I walk away from this? I am certain of exactly one thing in this world. I will not walk away again.

  Mia’s friend walks back to the table, smile on her face and her chest poked out to the heavens. It’s wasted on me. I can’t see past the redhead who is laughing next to her. “This is my friend, Laney.”

  Without saying a word, Laney walks up to Harley and licks his neck. “If I lick it, it’s mine.” The whole table erupts in laughter.

  “Sorry, kiddo. Harley here has a wife. Lucky for you, I’m available. Lick away.” Chance throws his arm around Laney and leads her back up to the bar.

  “Want to take a walk?” I need to get her out of this bar. I need to get her somewhere that isn’t filled with prying eyes and assholes with cameras. The highest bidder doesn’t need pictures of me tonight. “Get some fresh air?”

  She looks around, suddenly nervous. “That probably isn’t the best idea. Oksana probably wouldn’t appreciate that. I know I wouldn’t if I were in her shoes.”

  “Mia. It’s not like that.”

  “I’m pretty sure it is. You’re engaged and that means that the only walking I need to be doing with you is walking away.” She grabs her purse, gives Laney a quick wave and takes a deep breath. “I know this will probably sound stupid, but it took me a long time to get up in the morning and not miss you so much. I have a simple life here and I want to keep it that way.”

  “Mia.” I grab her hand, stopping her from leaving. “I can’t explain it all to you. It won’t make any sense but it’s all about image and publicity. It’s all an illus
ion to help me out of the shit hole I put myself into. Please don’t leave. Give me a few minutes.”

  When she bites her bottom lip, I’m a goner. I want to sink my teeth into it. I’m absolutely whipped and all I’ve done is kiss this girl. “Everything in me is screaming to stay except my heart. It’s saying run and I need to listen to it.”

  She leans into me, hugs me gently and pulls away. Her eyes tell me the whole story. The girl is just as screwed as I am. Maybe a little time will bring her around but one thing is certain, this is not the last I will see of Mia Lee on this break. Nope. I will camp out on her front porch if I have to. Before I get back on that tour bus, she’s mine.

  “Get your head out of your ass, Reynolds.” Max is screaming at me from behind his drum kit. I’m about three seconds away from kicking his ass. He thinks he’s safe back there behind his big drums but I’m not above crawling over them and choking him. “Reynolds, what the fuck, man?”

  “Stop.” When Harley stops playing his guitar, it’s serious. “Whatever it is that has your head fucked up, fix it. You’re missing the harmony completely. You’ve forgotten the words twice and they’re your lyrics. Let’s take five.”

  This is the worst I’ve ever been. It’s practice but it doesn’t mean I can blow it off like it’s nothing. They’re right. My head is all over the place. The one place it isn’t is here in the studio.

  “We need to get these tracks laid tonight. Chance and I will do that. Go home and get some sleep. We record tomorrow. Pay attention to the bridge on Stolen Soul. You’re flat and it sounds like shit. Seymour thinks this is our next breakout song. You feel me?”

  The death gaze Harley gives me is enough to get me to stop and pay attention. “Sorry about today, guys. I have a lot on my mind. I’ll get my shit straight before tomorrow.”

  “I know this engagement is bullshit. She’s a bitch and the last few times I saw her, she was strung out and whining about everything in life. You need to look at how you got here, man. Trust Joshua. He’s got your best interest at heart. He’s trying to make sense out of this downward spiral you’ve been in. Play the game for now. I don’t see any other way. Do you?” Harley shrugs his shoulders and looks back at his guitar. “We all fuck up. Look at us. We’re the definition of dysfunctional. But you made your bed, lie in it and get comfy.”

  “Oh wise one.” Chance bows at him.

  “Get the fuck out of here.” Harley laughs and points at the door.

  I don’t need to be told twice. The hotel room is calling my name. I need a good night of rest, a hot shower and a little perspective. I’m home for a week. I’ll give her another day. Maybe I can convince her to come to the show on Sunday night. I know I have to be careful. Mia has the potential to blow Joshua’s cover up out of the water. That could be detrimental to my career. And it’s not just about me anymore. I have three other people that are living this dream along with me. They’re counting on me to do the right thing and if I fuck it up, I’m screwing over my family. It’s my own fault. I couldn’t keep it in my pants. Thank God no one has noticed that the countless, faceless women that have been along for the ride the last year all look like Mia.

  “Shit.”

  Chapter 4

  The morning sun streams in my bedroom window, bringing with it the promise of a new day. I love my apartment. It’s tiny and on the outskirts of the city but the rent is low and the neighbors are friendly. I’m on the tenth floor and my view is amazing. It is a diamond in the rough and I’m blessed that I found it.

  Most of the world is still asleep at this hour on a Saturday. It’s my favorite time to run and let go of my stress. It’s always been my time. My brain shuts off and I concentrate on the sound of my breathing. It is my sanctuary when life gets hard.

  Last night was a reality check. Seeing Damien again made my heart race. Running into him was unexpected and it had been a test. I could have given into my heart and jumped at the chance to be alone with him. Every part of my body was screaming at me to hold him, to spend one more night with him. I’ve spent the last year ignoring the voice in my head that told me I love him. Last night, I realized it was right.

  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this knowledge. The only thing I do know is that I have to stay away from him. Before I know it, he’ll be back on the road with the band and last night will be a distant memory.

  Stretching my arms above my head, my mind wanders back to our last morning together. We hadn’t slept at all the night before. We’d stayed up all night laughing. He’s the funniest person I’ve ever met and it was so easy to get lost in him with just a smile. He was the missing piece in the puzzle that was my life. He was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed him.

  We’d spent a week together. We’d gone to the movies and cooked dinner together. We’d been your everyday couple despite his rock star status. We held hands on the couch while we watched TV. We laughed constantly. He knew what I was thinking before I ever said anything.

  Our chemistry was off the charts. When he kissed me, my toes curled. My body craved him. His hands were magic and made me feel things I’d never felt. He made my body respond in ways it hadn’t before. We’d promised to take things slowly and even though we almost crossed the line more than a few times, he respected me enough not to push for more.

  When the sun finally made its appearance that morning, the reality of his leaving hit me hard. We spent our last hour just lying in bed staring at each other. His touch was so gentle and his eyes so full of passion. I wanted to give myself to him but I wasn’t sure my heart would survive it. Tears fell from my eyes but the silence between us spoke volumes. He wiped my tears away and held me until the last second. When it was time, he kissed me on the cheek and told me it had been the best time of his whole life.

  I need to get out of this apartment. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I need to feel the sun on my face and the pavement under my feet. I pull on my yoga pants and tank, then throw my hair into a messy pony tail. I need to hit the streets before the world wakes up.

  The hallway to the elevator always smells like beer. It’s the only downside to living here. The college age girls down the hall love having people over. I never hear them but I can always smell the remnants of last night’s party. They invite me every Friday. Maybe I should go. They are a few years younger than I am but they all seem pretty nice. I need to get out more.

  The elevator ding snaps me back to reality. When the doors open, I freeze. This can’t be happening. He looks up from his phone and his eyes widen. His smile brightens his entire face. Damn him for being in my space again.

  “Mia.” He takes a step forward but my hand stops him. He backs up and lets me in.

  “You can talk to me on the way down. I have somewhere I need to be and I don’t have much time.” My hands are shaking. Traitors.

  “I’ll take whatever time you’re willing to give me.” Damien presses the first floor button.

  This may be the longest elevator ride in history. Shit, he smells amazing. “What do you want, Damien? I meant what I said last night. We can’t spend time together. It’s too hard for me.”

  His grip is firm as he grabs my arm. I’ve missed his touch. My hurt is mirrored back in his eyes. I’m not blind. I know he has feelings for me. But I refuse to be the other woman in anyone’s life. My parents are happily married, my sister is getting married and I don’t see their marriage lasting any less than fifty years or so. I want forever. I want loyalty. And above all, I want someone that loves me with his whole heart. Damien is engaged. He is not my forever. Repeat that all day, brain.

  The elevator moans and stops. The lights flicker and I gasp. I pound the button for the first floor. Nothing happens. “Oh my God.” I’m panicking. I can’t stand being stuck in a small space. Thoughts of plummeting to my death take over. Cue the panic attack.

  Damien puts his hands on my cheeks. “Breathe. It’s ok. I’m here with you. It’s just a power outage or something. You’re safe.�
�� His chuckle makes me furious. “Baby, you need to breathe.”

  “Breathe? We’re about the fall to our deaths. This thing is a death trap. I’m going to die in this elevator that reeks of beer and will soon be splattered with my blood. There’s no way to avoid this. I used to think if you jumped right before you crashed to the ground, that might help break the impact but I realized the ceiling would crush me into a thousand useless pieces. If I climb out the door at the top, I’ll just be free falling when this thing lets loose.”

  Damien’s laugh gets louder. “Christ. You’ve given this some thought.”

  I’m in full panic mode. “I can’t breathe. It’s hot in here. Are you hot? I’m on fire. I think I’m having a heart attack. Oh my God.” I gasp for air.

  “Mia.” Damien shakes me. “Look at me. Concentrate on me. That’s my girl. Deep breath. Good. Look into my eyes.”

  His voice soothes my soul. His hands run up and down my arms and my body begins to relax. I hate small spaces, I hate elevators, I hate not being in control. “I’m scared.” My voice is weak. It’s not a voice I recognize. My body trembles. I’m terrified.

  “You’re ok. Sit with me. I’ll sing some of the new lyrics I’m working on and maybe you can help me figure out what’s missing. Can you do that for me?”

  I have to give him credit. He’s trying to keep me calm. “I’d love that.”

  He clears his throat as he sits down next to me. “It’s rough but I think it’ll be really good when we’re done. Ready?” I nod my head and he smiles. His soulful voice fills the elevator.

  ‘I got drunk off your touch and high off your kiss. The taste of your lips I forever will miss. You’ve ruined me. I’m broken. You’ve ruined me. I’m lost. You’ve ruined me.’

  My mouth hangs open. When he sings, the world stops. His words are beautiful and I can’t take my eyes off him. I can’t help myself. His voice transports me to another place. I am completely healed. My anxiety is gone. The elevator is no longer my enemy. It’s just a reason to be near him and I’m suddenly thankful that we’re stuck.