Liquid Regret

by M. J. Carnal

  I just grunt. I want to be home. I want to disappear. I want to wake up and find out this isn’t real. I want Mia.

  Joshua sits next to me. “We’ve got a guard on Oksana. I’ve reassigned Lex to stay with Mia. The police are all over Harley’s house. We’ll catch who did this.”

  “What if Harley isn’t strong enough? What if I’m not?”

  “You both are. I’ve cancelled the rest of the tour. We’ll lay low. The label set up a grief counselor to stay at Max’s house with Harley. I suggest you stay there as well.” When I shake my head no, Josh continues. “It’s not a request. We all need to be together right now. We need to be there for Harley. I’ve got Oksana set up in the guest house there.”

  “I don’t give a shit about Oksana.” I’ve had enough of this. “I want to see Mia as soon as we land. I’m done with this bullshit. It ends today, Josh.”

  “No. It doesn’t. We’ll get Mia to you but this stays secret. We’ll deal with that when this blows over. We’ll have a press conference about the accident…”

  “Accident?” I cut him off. “Bullshit. This wasn’t an accident. Somebody did this to her and Lex did nothing?”

  “Damien. Calm down. I’m handling this the best I know how. Let’s get through this, then we’ll talk about Mia. For now, keep your shit together.”

  If I could kick his ass, I would. I’m not sure I can take him but I’m ready to try. There’s so much security on this damn plane that I’d get taken down in a second. We’ve lost a member of our family. It wasn’t an accident. It won’t blow over. It won’t be behind us. It’s a fucking nightmare and it will never end.

  When the plane touches down, I see the lines of people, the cameras, the flashbulbs. All the scum of the earth trying to get that shot of Harley’s agony that will make them a fortune. My stomach rolls at the thought. I can’t comprehend how anyone can justify making money off someone’s crisis. I’ve seen them climb trees, chase us in cars, hide behind corners. They’re relentless. My anger is growing. There’s one photographer that we trust. One that gets it right. The rest? They thrive off our failures.

  “Did you hear me?” Chance touches my arm.

  “No. What?” I look at Harley and his eyes are open and emotionless.

  “We think it would be best for you to go out first. We’ll circle Harley and get him to the cars. They’ll want your picture, too. Maybe it will take some of the focus off Griff.”

  I nod. I’ll keep my emotions in check long enough to get to the car. Harley is on his feet, flanked by two guards. His eyes are rimmed in red, his face pale. I’ve never seen him look like this. Even in all the years of drinking, he’s never looked this bad. My heart breaks all over again.

  The door opens and I head down the stairs first. I’m blinded by bulbs. People are screaming questions at me. Behind me, I feel the push of the guys getting Harley down the steps. I walk toward the paparazzi and hold my hand up to silence them. It works better than I expect.

  “We’ve cancelled the rest of our tour. We’ll hold a press conference with more details but until then, I beg you for privacy.” My voice shakes but my face stays vacant. “We’ve lost someone very close to us.”

  I feel the tear hit my cheek. Just one. It reminds me this is all real. It’s almost in slow motion, reminding me of my pain. I want to wipe it away but in this moment, I feel like it defines me. Let them get the shot. It’s not Harley’s pain they’ll be exploiting. It’s something small, but at least it’s something I can do.

  Security pulls me toward the second limo. The questions start right away but their time is over. They’ve had enough of us for today. They don’t get any more.

  Inside, Max nods at me. Just once but it says everything. We’ll head to his house. We’ll lock the doors and stay until the darkness subsides. It’s been eight hours since I found out about Della. It feels like a lifetime ago. There’s pain in my chest like someone punched through and ripped my heart right out. It’s physical pain. Every breath hurts. My head is pounding. I haven’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday. The thought of food makes my stomach roll.

  I pull out my cell phone and call Mia. I need to hear her voice.

  “Hello?” She’s quiet.

  “I’m home and I need you.” If I say anything else, I’ll break down. I hand the phone to Max and let him give her the address. I know he’s hurting, too. But there’s always been something about Max. A mystery. A secret. Something.

  “She’ll be there soon, man.” Max stares out the window, wounded.

  “Thanks,” I whisper but he can’t hear me.

  Was she scared? Did she know it was happening? Did she know who was hurting her? I shiver. Della was like a sister to me. Until Mia, she meant more to me than any woman ever had. She was kind and generous. She was the glue when this group wanted to give up. She was the one who defined coming home for all of us. Her smile lit up a room. Her arms were sanctuary when life got hard. Her laughter was contagious. I’d never hear that again. I’d never feel her hug me. I’d never hear her busting my balls for getting carried away on the road. I’d never be able to call her when I was tempted to fall back into old habits. Life changed last night. It changed forever. It changed for all of us.

  Chapter 18

  When I got here last night, he was sound asleep. I couldn’t wake him. He looked at peace and I knew he wouldn’t be if I woke him. Sometime after midnight, he had a nightmare and screamed in his sleep. I held him and he settled. I haven’t slept much. The nightmares are intense. I can’t imagine what these men are going through. I didn’t know Della long but she was amazing and I’m so sad that it hurts.

  When he stretches, I smile. I’ve missed him so much. He opens his eyes slowly and looks at me. He doesn’t smile. He pulls me into him and cries. His body shakes and it breaks my heart even more.

  “Mia,” He whispers.

  “Shhh. I’m here. Go back to sleep.” I run my hands through his hair and listen to his breathing even out.

  I know that there will be a few days of this. I’ve called into work for the next week. They all think I’m dating Max so there weren’t any questions asked. Thank God for that. I don’t know how I’ll get through the funeral, watching Damien with Oksana, holding onto Max as he grieves. How can I be everything that everyone needs? How can I let myself grieve when I know how much they hurt?

  The tap at the door gets my attention. Laney cracks it open and peeks in. “How is he?” She whispers.

  I climb out of bed and head to the door. “Still sleeping. How’s everyone else?”

  “Harley’s out cold. Josh is in the kitchen with Chance but I haven’t seen Max. How are you holding up?”

  “I’m scared.” It’s not worth it to lie to her. She can see right through me. “Thanks for being here.”

  “I don’t want to be alone.” She walks into the living room and sits down. “I’ve talked to the grief counselor. She’s nice. You should talk to her. I think it will help both of us.”

  “I don’t want to leave him for long. I’ll find her tomorrow.” I can’t help but look at the closed bedroom door. “If he wakes up and I’m not there, I won’t forgive myself.”

  She takes my hand. “Mia. Don’t talk like that. You lost someone too.”

  “It’s not the same.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks. I feel so much guilt. Guilt I didn’t get there sooner. Guilt I couldn’t get to Damien any quicker. Guilt that if I had answered my phone earlier, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

  “It isn’t the same.” The soft voice catches my attention and I turn around. “Hi Mia. I’m Rachel. You girls went through something that no one can imagine. Something no one should go through. I’m here to talk if you want to.”

  “I don’t know.” I instantly shut down.

  “I’m here whenever you’re ready. I’ve talked to a couple of the guys and I would love to be able to talk to you too.”

  “Ok.” The bedroom door opens and I’m instantly on my feet.

 
Damien rubs his eyes and gives us all a sad smile. “I woke up and you weren’t there. I missed you.”

  I know he’s heartbroken but he still takes my breath away. “I’m sorry.”

  “Sit back down. I need to get out of that room.” He hugs me and I instantly feel better. “Hey, Laney. How’s Harley?”

  “I only talked to him for a minute but I doubt he’ll remember. He’s been asleep all night though.” Laney hugs him and then hugs me. “I’m going to find something to eat. I’ll cook something for all of us. I’m sure you guys must be getting hungry.”

  Laney and Rachel head to the kitchen and I’m left alone with Damien. I’m so nervous. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing. I just stand here frozen. I feel helpless.

  “Thanks for being here.” Damien pulls me into his lap and kisses my neck. “I need to hold you.”

  “I love you.” I kiss him lightly. “I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”

  His hand slips up the back of my nightgown and pulls me against him. His kiss deepens. He bites at my bottom lip and I can feel him harden under me. He runs his hands down my back and cups my ass. When he moves my hips against him, there’s no turning back. We both need this.

  “Fuck me, Mia.” He growls into my ear. “Make me forget.”

  I pull at his sweatpants and his erection springs free. I lick my lips. He’s got the most beautiful body. A drop of pre come seeps from the tip and I run my finger across it and lick it clean. His eyes darken. He reaches under my nightgown and yanks my panties aside. There’s no foreplay tonight but we don’t need it. We’re both ready and need to get lost in each other.

  He sinks into me, his cock hot and hard. I don’t care who might walk in or who might be watching. I circle my hips and watch him lie his head back against the couch cushions. He hisses when I lift almost all the way off and then slam back down onto him.

  “Again.” He moans.

  I do it again and his eyes shut completely. I pull at his hair and his hips thrust forward. I’ve had him rough and I’ve had him gentle. Every time is better than the last. The sounds he makes turn me on more than anything in the world. When he takes control, I’m lost.

  Every thrust of his hips hits me in just the right spot. I’m soaked. I’m horny. I need to come. I grab my nipples and roll them in between my fingers and my thumbs. My head falls back. The friction mixed with his strong pumps make it almost too intense.

  “I love getting lost in this hot pussy. I love feeling you drip down my cock.” He grabs my hips and pounds into me. His voice is broken with each stroke. “You. Make. Me. So. Fucking. Hard.”

  “Oh God.” I grab at his shoulder, the couch cushions, anything that can anchor me. I’m so close. I can feel it building. I can feel the tingle start.

  “Let go, baby. Let me feel you drench me.” He bites my nipple and I explode around him. My whole body convulses in pleasure.

  “Fuck.” He runs his fingers through my orgasm and wipes it onto my nipple. His lips suck it off, hard. I tighten around him and a second wave hits. He erupts, filling me, soaking his lap.

  I fall into his chest, gasping, my body still shivering around his. I never want this to end. When we’re together, everything is right with the world. I feel incredibly satisfied. I know I’m lucky. It’s never been like this with anyone.

  After a few minutes, dread creeps back in. We hold each other as tightly as we can. I know we need to face what’s happened but denial is very powerful when you lose someone. For the first time in twenty-four hours, I could close my eyes without seeing Della.

  I lean up and look into his eyes. He’s haunted. “I’m so sorry, Damien. I’m so, so sorry.”

  He shakes his head but doesn’t say anything. His eyes fill with tears but he holds them back. He kisses me gently, then stands up with me still wrapped around him.

  He carries me into the bedroom, leaving discarded clothes in the living room. Setting me down gently, he tucks my hair behind my ear. His hands cup my face and he takes a deep breath. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to Harley. I just want to lock the door and not let anyone else in.”

  “I know.” I rub my hands up and down his arms. “No one expects you to have any answers. Just be here for him. That’s all you can do.”

  “Ok.” He just stares at me.

  “Come on. Let’s shower and get something to eat. Then we can lock the world out for the rest of the night.”

  I lead him into the bathroom and start the shower. Once the water is warm, I pull him in and lather up a wash cloth. He lets me wash him, watching my every move. He’s quiet and wide eyed. He says I saved him once. I want to do it again. I want to heal him. I want him to forget for a while.

  He starts to harden under my touch. I take him into my mouth, circling the sensitive tip, swallowing when he hits the back of my throat. His hands shoot out and brace himself on the tile. Our eyes lock as I suck him, slowly, gently, taking all my cues from him. He takes control, moving in and out of my mouth. When he stops, I suck hard and moan. His knees nearly buckle.

  He pulls me from the floor and lifts me. Wrapping my legs around him, he pins me against the shower wall. His lips find mine, our tongues dance. His taste is fresh on my tongue and pushes my desire up a notch. As he pushes into me, he watches my face. I get lost in his endless, blue eyes. His strokes are slow, passionate. He kisses me every few seconds.

  “I love you, Mia. I love you so much.” He rests his forehead against mine. “I would be lost without you.”

  His fingers find my clit and I come apart, my eyes never leaving his. He smiles knowing he’s the only one in the world that makes me feel this way. He’s my fairytale. He just redefines Prince Charming. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  Chapter 19

  We interrupt this tour to bring you a moment of silence to remember one of our own. – Liquid Regret

  The morning of the funeral is rainy and cold. I used to love the fall in California when the sunny days turned breezy and the nights got colder. Today, it’s like even God is in mourning. Clouds cover the sky, the rain falling like tears against the sidewalk. Thunder rolls, echoing our anger at a life lost way too soon. The wind whips so hard, bringing with it the sting of loss.

  My suit feels too tight. I pull at my tie to try to loosen the collar and let me breathe easier. Despite the cold, my hands are sweating. I’m praying the media is kind today. There’s no way to prevent the circus outside the funeral home. We all know that. But if I get one wish today, it’s that their words are filled with love for the beautiful person we all lost.

  Harley is stoic. Oksana has been a rock for him and I appreciate that. I can actually see some good in her and it makes her much more tolerable. Max is quiet. He has been for the few days we’ve been home. Chance has handled this better than all of us. He’s been able to make the plans for not just today, but the days after that will inevitably lead us back out on tour. Joshua has stepped up and taken control of the media and what stories get told. The stories have mostly been positive and I’m thankful for that. Seeing Della’s image ruined in the media would push us all over the edge.

  As we pull up to the funeral home, the mood is somber. The media is lined up for pictures but there’s sadness in the air. The stories and images that Joshua has provided them with have made Della look like the superhero she was.

  Stepping from the limo, the flashbulbs go off. There are questions asked but we’re able to get Harley inside before much damage is done. Chance stays behind for questions while we head inside and get ready to say our final goodbyes.

  “I can’t do this.” Harley’s voice cracks. “I don’t know how to fucking do this.”

  My arm goes around him and he leans into me. I’ll be his rock. I can grieve later. He’s my family and there’s no one that needs me more than he does. “We’ll do it together.”

  “She was everything. She was forever.” Tears fill his bloodshot eyes.

  “I know, man.”
I make sure he gets to the front row before I take the seat next to him. My arm rests on the back of his seat. I’m trying to wrap him in strength. Strength I don’t have. Strength I desperately need.

  Oksana stops at the end of the row and looks at us. “Can I sit in between you?”

  “Why don’t you sit on the other side of Harley?” Joshua whispers and points to the seat on his other side. Part of me questions it but the other is relieved I can stay near him, feeding off his love for Della. “Mia’s here and she wants to sit with you.”

  Mia gives me a sad smile before taking the seat next to me. I know what a risk Josh is taking having us out in public like this. I’ll never be able to thank him for letting it go, just for today. Her fingers curl through mine and I’m instantly grounded. My heart slows, my shoulders relax. I notice Max sitting at the end of the row and he gives her a wink. I squeeze her hand, just making sure she’s real.

  As the pastor takes his place at the front of the room, Harley crumples into me. Seeing him so broken is like getting the wind knocked out of me. I tighten my grip on his shoulder and let him use me to stay upright.

  “Thank you for coming. Please be seated. My name is Scott Simpson. I’m the pastor of Liberty Hills Presbyterian Church. It’s with a heavy heart that I am in front of you today. Della Barron Miles meant the world to so many of us. Her heart was as big as any I’ve known. I had the honor of meeting Della a few years ago while she was doing volunteer work for the homeless shelter. Her enthusiasm was contagious. Her love for others was apparent in everything she did. She was a familiar face at Sunday service when she was in town. I was blessed to officiate her wedding when she married the love of her life. The love she had for Griffin was rare. Through everything, she smiled and had faith it would be alright. She was certainty your biggest cheerleader.”

  Harley lets out a silent sob as the pastor goes on to tell the congregation about the journey of love she took by Griff’s side. He told stories that made us smile. He told stories that made my soul hurt. His favorite memory was one of her dancing in the rain with the rest of us when one of our outdoor shows got rained out. I’d forgotten about that day. Remembering her laugh, the reflection of love in her eyes every time she looked at one of us, makes the tears stream down my face. There’s no use in trying to prevent them. I’ve lost someone who was ripped from my life far too early.