Liquid Regret

by M. J. Carnal

  When the pastor is finished, we all have a chance to tell stories. The mood is light and we’re smiling and laughing through the heartache. Chance is first and of course, he has us laughing about the time he hit on Della and didn’t realize she was Harley’s ‘old lady’. Josh tells us about meeting Della for the first time and how she refused to let him say no to a contract with us. I always wondered how it had been so easy to get the hottest name in the agency. Della was a pit-bull when it came to us. Hearing the story warms my heart. I send a silent prayer of thanks to her.

  Max is next. His tall frame leans against the altar, bending into the microphone. “I didn’t find these guys. Della found me. I had left home and didn’t have anywhere to go. I was sitting in the park, a day a lot like today, hiding under an umbrella and scribbling in a notebook. I was writing a song and tapping out the rhythm on my jeans. She sat down next to me and took the book from my hands. Didn’t say a word. Just stole it. I think I just sat there with my mouth open. I couldn’t say anything. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. After she read some of it, she sang it back to me and let me hear it. She was this tiny person, soaking wet from the rain, just smiling at me. I knew I’d met someone special. She invited me back to the apartment she shared with Harley and Damien. We ate hotdogs, I think. Then she made us all play the song I had written.”

  Max wipes his eyes and then smiles the most genuine smile I’ve ever seen from him. “I fell in love with her. I’m not sure you knew that, Griff.”

  Harley laughs. “We both did.”

  “It was an honor to love her. She was the most amazing person I’ve ever known. I’ve prayed for someone like her to come into my life. Now I pray that she watches over all of us and helps us find our way. I know we have an angel on our side, someone who won’t let us lose who we are and where we’re going.”

  I stand on shaking legs and slowly walk to the microphone. The room is packed with familiar faces. Fans, friends from her work, family members we haven’t seen in years. She made a difference in the lives of every person in this room. I take a deep breath and allow myself to get lost in Mia’s eyes.

  “I was in a really dark place when I met Della and Griff. They became my family the first night we met. They welcomed me into their life together like I was always meant to be there. It was the three of us against the world. Dell called us the tripod that held the weight of the world. She believed we could do anything together. I used to laugh at her but I think she was right. The last few days, it’s been really hard to keep things together with a piece of that tripod missing. Nothing seems balanced anymore. I look at Harley and I wonder how the hell I’ll hold things together for both of us.”

  I wipe at my eyes and smile at Griff. He smiles back, love and heartbreak written all over his face. “Dell was the person I called when everything got really hard. If I had a problem I couldn’t solve or had the urge to throw away my sobriety, she would talk to me like a person. No blame. No disappointment. Just love. She’d tell me ‘D, the past doesn’t define you unless you let it.’ She was also the person I turned to when I couldn’t get rid of a woman after a night on tour. Oh shit. Sorry Pastor.” My eyes widen and I laugh.

  Harley laughs from the front row and it makes me feel better. Joshua just shakes his head and smiles. Even Mia giggles. “She’d come in and act like a possessive girlfriend. Anything it took to get rid of them. That’s when I got to see crazy Della and trust me, she was a little scary. Then she’d smack me in the back of my head and yell at me. She was like a sister. A pain in my ass. She would sneak out at midnight and eat my leftovers. If I was saving something, it’s like she had radar and would always steal it. She used all my shampoo. She left shit everywhere in the bathroom. She stuck her nose in my business every second. She had an opinion on everything. She was perfect. I would do anything to take her place. I would give up everything to have her back. I’ve never lost anything as valuable as her. The pain is something I won’t ever forget. Della, if you can hear me, I promise you that I’ll take care of Griff. I promise that I’ll live my life in a way that will make you proud. I love you, Dell.”

  When I sit back down, Harley hugs me. “Thank you. You meant everything to her too. She loved you, D.”

  Mia takes my hand and brings it to her lips. She kisses my fingers and lets me fall into her a little more. I’m not sure I’ll survive this but if I do, it will be because of the beautiful redhead that has stolen my heart.

  Chapter 20

  Watching Damien pour his heart out about Della makes me fall even more in love with him. He’s raw and instead of shutting down, he’s wide open to the pain of losing her. Hearing Harley laugh eases my pain. I didn’t know Della long but I know she made an impact on me in that short period of time.

  I hold onto Damien’s hand like a lifeline. I know he thinks I’m doing it to help him. But honestly, it’s for me. Being able to love him is what makes me whole. It’s what gives me strength. It’s what helps me find peace in this tragedy.

  Harley makes his way to the front of the room. He’s stronger than I’ll ever be. He’s gathered strength from everyone in the room and used it to help him find the courage to share his feelings about Della. His bravery is what makes him who he is.

  “Della would be happy to see so many people she loved in one room. I wish it could’ve been for a different reason. I’d give my life for hers if I could. Hers was a lot more valuable.” Harley takes a deep breath and stays quiet for a minute before continuing. “I’ve loved Della my whole life. I honestly don’t remember anything before her. I loved her the first second I saw her. I can’t imagine loving anyone else the way I do her. I know I never will again. She lived her life for everyone else. She dedicated every free second to making sure someone else was happy. I’d always sit back and watch her, just in awe of who she was. She could’ve been anything she wanted to be. She could’ve had anyone in the world. But she chose me. Me. With all my demons and all my flaws. She told me none of that mattered because her heart had found its other half. She never judged me. I tried so many times to get sober and every single time I failed, she just picked me up and helped me start over. Who does that? Who honestly gives someone so many chances and doesn’t walk away?”

  My heart breaks as Harley starts to cry. His beautiful face is shadowed in agony, every tear representing a minute of time he won’t ever have with Della. He’s a completely broken man. A shell of who he was when we flew to Seattle. My heart breaks for him. My whole body hurts for him. I want to make everything better for him. I want him to know Della would be proud of how he’s handled the hardest time in his life. I want to do anything to help. I just don’t know what to do, what to say. Words will never be enough.

  He gathers his composure. “I’m so mad that I wasn’t home to save you, baby. I can’t imagine a world where anyone would want to hurt you. I promised that I’d protect you and I didn’t. I was on the tour bus, laughing, writing music and you were taking your last breath. I don’t know how I’ll live my life without you. I don’t know how I’ll forgive myself enough to keep going. But I make a promise to you, in front of all the people we love, that I’ll find out who did this to you. I’ll never stop looking. They took the person that mattered more to me than anyone in the world. I may be standing here breathing but they took my life when they took yours. Things will never be the same. I will make sure they pay for what they did to you. What they did to all of us. I love you, Della.”

  Harley walks to her casket and puts his hand on the top. His tears are silent. “To cherish and keep you, to be faithful and true, to love you and honor you, forsaking all others til death do us part. This isn’t goodbye, sweetheart. It’s just see you soon. It’s what you said every time I got on that bus. You will always be my wife. You will always have my heart. No matter where I go, you will be with me.”

  Damien drops my hand and stands up. He walks to Harley and hugs him. He whispers to him before putting his hand next to Harley’s on the casket. Max an
d Chance are right behind him. They share a moment together, saying goodbye in the only way they know how.

  Damien’s voice is quiet. “Dell loved country music. For her last birthday, she asked us to play a song by Rascal Flatts while we were onstage. She loved anything sad. We didn’t share her taste in music but when Della asked for something, you did it. Her favorite song was Here Comes Goodbye. I’m not sure I’ll get through this but I have to try.”

  I want to hold him. I want to hold him so he knows he isn’t alone. Sitting here, watching the four most beautiful men in the world letting go of something so special is tearing me in two. Oksana is crying a few seats away. Her body shakes as she watches the men get ready to sing their goodbye to Della. She’s pale and her eyes are red. I move to sit next to her. She’s startled at first but takes my hand anyway. In another world, we may have been friends. She’s lost and Della was always able to see the best in her. It’s time for me to try too. Della fought for her. Now it’s my turn.

  Chance plays the melody to Here Comes Goodbye. His fingers move like they are dancing over the strings. The song is haunting. I haven’t heard it before and listening to the words is tough. It’s a beautiful melody, full of heartbreak and loss. Damien’s voice is strong, even if he isn’t. Every time I hear him sing, I get swept away. Today is no different.

  “I’m glad Damien has you.” Oksana’s voice is a whisper but it’s enough to pull me out of my Damien daydream.

  “I’m glad he has you too.” I smile at her.

  As the song finishes, Joshua and Lex join the men as they carry the casket to the waiting hearse. I hold onto Oksana as we are led out in front of the rest of the guests. Eyes lock on us, making me feel on edge. I can hear the shutters of cameras. I hear whispers and can only imagine what the media will say about us. Will I be the other woman? Will I be the supportive friend? It doesn’t matter to me now. The only thing on my mind is helping Damien and the rest of the band get through the burial and get back to Max’s house where we are safe and away from the spotlight.

  Joshua takes my hand and leads me and Oksana to the second limo. Everything happens so fast that I don’t realize we’re even closed in the car until Oksana hands me a bottle of water.

  “You get used to it. It’s hard to ignore it at first but pretty soon it’ll feel normal. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.” Oksana digs through her purse and pulls out a pill bottle. She swallows one and looks back at me. “Anxiety.”

  I just nod. I know her story. I’ve heard it from Damien and again from Della. “It’s a hard day.”

  “Someone that understands. Cheers.” She clinks her water bottle against mine. “I was so devastated when I got the news. I’d just gotten home from New York that night. I was sound asleep and there was a guard pounding on my door. Said Joshua had hired him to protect me and told me what happened to Della. I was terrified I could be next. How did you hear?”

  “We found her.” I look out the window and try not to relive it. “Lex stayed with me until I got to Max’s house the next night.”

  Oksana leans forward and whispers, “What do you think Lex was doing when she was getting stabbed? Do you really believe he didn’t hear anything?”

  “I don’t know. I really don’t want to talk about it.” I’m not sure how I ended up in this limo with just Oksana and a bodyguard. “It’s a scene I’m having a hard time getting out of my head.”

  “You poor thing. I can’t imagine seeing that. She was a good person. Do you think Harley will ever get over her? I think they need to take a closer look at Lex. He was the only one there. The only one that had access to her.”

  The bitch is certifiable. What part of I don’t want to talk about it does she not understand? I take a deep breath. “I think Lex is a good man. I feel safe when he’s around.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t. You never know who you can trust. I just think it’s strange that the person who was hired to keep her safe didn’t see anything. He says he was making rounds. Don’t you think he would have heard something? You can’t tell me she didn’t scream. She had to scream. I can’t image the pain she must have felt. Do you think she knew she was going to die? She had to scream for Lex to help her. He’ll have to live with that.”

  “Oksana.” My voice is harsher than I expected. It makes her jump. “I can’t talk about this. Please, stop.”

  She digs through her purse again. Her whole demeanor has changed. Whatever she took has kicked in. Even the look on her face is different. I take a few deep breaths, reminding myself that Della would help her if she was here. She looks out the window, lost in a narcotic haze.

  The limo stops and we get out. The sun has broken through the clouds, a ray of light shining down on all of us. I follow people toward the tent where the final portion of the funeral will take place. The men carry the casket to where she’ll be buried. They’re all composed, here with us but somewhere else in thought.

  The pastor says a final prayer and they lower Della’s body into the ground. I wipe the tears from my cheeks, unable to take a full breath. The whole service is beautiful. The stories were full of love, the emotions were real and shared by everyone. I know that somewhere Della is smiling down at all of us, giving us strength and helping us make it through the day.

  As the crowd begins to say their goodbyes, a breeze blows, making everyone stop and smile. I shiver knowing something greater is happening. The sun’s rays shine onto our portion of the cemetery, warming our skin and reminding us that we’re alive.

  Harley smiles at the sky. “I love you too, baby.”

  Chapter 21

  Take my hand, show me the way.

  Lead me to love and beg me to stay.

  – Liquid Regret

  I can’t sleep. Every time I try, I dream about losing Mia. It’s Mia that’s gone and I can’t breathe. It’s the third night in a row. It started the night of the funeral and I can’t handle much more. It’s selfish to feel this way. I feel so fucking guilty that I’m happy I didn’t lose the love of my life.

  “You ok?” Mia curls into my side and yawns. “You’ve been talking in your sleep again.”

  I flip the light on and sit up. “It’s time to tell Joshua I’m done playing the game.”

  “What?” She’s so beautiful when she first wakes up.

  “If Della’s death taught me anything, it’s that life’s too short. I can’t live this lie with Oksana anymore. I can’t put my life on hold. I want the world to know that I love you. I can’t do this anymore.”

  She bites her bottom lip. Any time she’s nervous, she starts chomping on that lip. It always makes me hard. I want to bite it. I want to pull it into my mouth and taste her. “I just don’t want you to regret it.”

  I roll on top of her and suck her lip into my mouth. Her whimper is such a turn on. “The only thing I regret is living the lie in the first place.” I lick my way up her jaw and stop at her ear. When I whisper, goose bumps break out all over her arms. “I want to be with you every second of every day.”

  My tongue traces the vein in her neck. I can feel her heartbeat hammering and I smile knowing I can do this to her. She’s the most beautiful woman on the planet and she’s all mine. I kiss my way along her collarbone and her back arches, pressing her gorgeous tits into me.

  Her fingers find the waistband of my boxers. She’s greedy when she’s turned on. She’s always so ready for me. I’m a lucky son of a bitch. Her knees fall open, giving me full access to the promise land. My fingers run across the silk of her panties. She’s already soaked.

  There’s no time to take anything off. I need to be inside her. I push my boxers down and pull the scrap of fabric away from her beautiful pussy. I need to show her what she does to me. I need her to feel how hard she makes me. I push into her in one deep stroke, her hungry body taking everything I’ve got.

  “Fuck.” Her walls are hot, wet, ready to take every drop of pleasure from me. “I love feeling you soak my cock.”

  I roll onto
my back and pull her on top. Her body moves in sync with mine. She pulls her hair out of her ponytail, letting the waves of silk fall around her shoulders. She’s a goddess. Her hair runs over her nipples, causing them to harden. When she pinches them, I swear I almost come.

  “Fuck me. Take everything you need. Ride my cock, baby.”

  Her eyes hood at my words. Her hips start a punishing rhythm, pounding against my erection, making me want to explode. The sound of our bodies slapping together is music to my fucking ears. She’s drenched, soaking my balls and she hasn’t even come yet.

  Her head falls back and I know she’s close. I can feel her swelling, almost pushing me out of her body. I reach forward and flick her clit and that’s all she needs. There’s a rush of hot liquid and I need to taste her.

  I throw her off of me, yanking her legs over my shoulders and burying my face between her thighs. Her flavor explodes on my tongue. I can’t get enough. I lick and suck until there’s nothing left. Even then it’s not enough.

  “I’m hungry, baby. You’re going to come over and over again until I’ve had my fill.”

  She screams my name when I bite her clit. My fingers find her G-spot and she explodes again. When my tongue licks her juices from her gorgeous pussy, she grabs my hair and rides my face. It’s the most erotic feeling in the world. I can hardly breathe but I can’t think of a better way to go out. Suffocation by pussy.

  “I’m so close, Damien. Yes. Yes.”

  Her whole body goes rigid right before she shatters. My face is soaked. My bed is soaked. I’m hard as steel and need to fuck her. Hard.