This Life Isn't Mine

by Dominique Laura

  “Everly, it’s your birthday,” Claire said with unreserved excitement in her voice as she walked into my bedroom.

  Yeah, I decided since I was probably going to be stuck here for the rest of this new life that I might as well call it mine.

  “It would seem that way, yeah.” I mumbled halfheartedly, unable to match her excitement.

  The more time I spent in this life, the more I forgot the smallest of details I had obtained from my previous one, and that hurt more than anything else at this point. Those memories had given me hope, hope that I could someday return to the people I had left, but I knew that was a pipe dream. That life was long gone and so were the people who were a part of it, probably. My chest tightened at the reminder.

  She sat at the edge of my bed, sadness replacing the brightness in her golden eyes—eyes that matched my own. “I wish you’d stop pushing me away.”

  “It’s the only way I know how to get through this,” I said honestly.

  “How to get through what, Ever?” Her eyes begged me to tell her the truth, and I had been lying for so long that a small piece of me wanted to let her in, if even just a little bit.

  What was I so afraid of? She wasn’t the enemy. It wasn’t her fault I was dealing with a loss far greater than even she, or anyone else, could process. I had lost my life, my friends, the people constantly in my dreams, though those were far less frequent now.

  I looked past her out the window, afraid of what her eyes would reveal if I looked at them while I confessed this small truth. I took a deep breath and breathed out, “How to get through this life.”

  Her hand reached for mine, but I slowly pulled it out of reach before she could make contact.

  I mentally slapped myself.

  Why was I so cruel to her? I’ll never understand.

  She wasn’t a bad person. She didn’t have family aside from Emily and Elliot, and as curious as I was, I knew if I asked that I would start to care more, and I wasn’t strong enough for that. She was good to me, and she did everything she could to make sure I had a good life.

  A good life. You already had one of those, Penelope, I thought to myself, once again reminding myself why it would be a horrible idea to invest so much of myself into this new life.

  How did I know it wouldn’t happen? Would I leave this life and live another one while still harboring the memories from both of the ones I had been forced to leave? I had no answers, no way of knowing.

  “Life is a beautiful gift, Everly,” she said with a small smile. “It’s not something any of us should take for granted because just as quickly as we’re given it, it can be taken away.”

  I nodded in agreement because wasn’t that the truth? I knew that fact all too well.

  “You’re a teenager now, Everly, which means you’re almost an adult.” Her eyes turned sad again.

  My heart shrunk in regret. She didn’t deserve my hostility or indifference. She was right, I was an adult, in more ways than she knew, and it was time I started to act like it.

  “You’re right, Claire,” I said, using her first name in place of the other title that most kids called the person who carried them in their womb. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be comfortable doing that, calling her something other than her name. “You’re right. I’m sorry for being so cold to you, I’m just not sure how else to be.”

  It was a half-truth but more of a truth than I had ever willingly given her before.

  “It’s okay, I understand,” she said with a smile. “I used to rebel against my parents too, since the moment I could, if I’m not mistaken. They didn’t like that very much, but they continued to love me in spite of my attitude and closed-off heart.”

  “Really?” I questioned, hopeful.

  “Oh yeah, Ever, you’re not the first kid to push their parents away, and you sure won’t be the last.” She stood up from the bed and walked over to the doorway, turning to give me a bright smile. “Now, it’s your birthday, and we’re going to celebrate.”

  “We are?”

  “Yes, now hurry up and get yourself ready, we’ve got plans today.” She turned to leave, but I stopped her before she could.

  “Wait, I have a question,” I said timidly. “Or, well, I have a few.”

  “Sure, and I’ll probably have an answer.” She looked more than happy about me wanting to get to know her better. This was the first time in the thirteen years I had been a part of her life that I had shown any real interest. I was a terrible person, but starting today I was going to make up for that. Or, at the very least, I was going to try.

  “How old are you?”

  “I’m thirty two, I was nineteen when I had you.”

  “Wow, you were young,” I said, looking at her features. I always knew she was young, but I never really questioned just how young. “Where is your family? I mean, I know you have Lio and Emily, but is there anyone else?”

  “No,” she answered, shaking her head slightly. “You’re all I really have, Everly.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  “Is there anything else?” She asked patiently.

  “No, not right now anyway.”

  “Okay, well come out when you’re ready and we’ll start your birthday celebrations.”

  I smiled, giving her a small nod in response.

  For several minutes I sat on my bed unmoving, trying to process the little information that she had just given me. She had no family, and she had me when she was barely an adult. Of course I had more questions, but it didn’t seem right to throw them all at her at once, especially not with the way I had treated her for the last thirteen years. I wouldn’t have felt right about that had I asked them.

  “You’re really all I have, Everly.” Her words replayed in my mind, causing my chest to tighten.

  I shook away the tears that threatened to fall and gripped my sides, silently begging the guilt to fade.

  Another voice flashed through my head, one I had heard in almost every single one of my dreams since I had started this new journey, or whatever it was.

  “Penelope Grace, today is the anniversary of your birth!” Her voice wasn’t as loud and clear as it had been the first few times that phrase broke its way through my guarded heart. It was slowly fading and so were those dreams, my memories from being Penelope.

  I closed my eyes, a sense of suffocation taking over my entire body. I bit back the pain, clawing out of the dark hole my soul begged to hide in. I couldn’t—no, I wouldn’t let this life win. I was Penelope but in a lot of ways I was Everly too, and that frightened me.

  I stood up on trembling legs, forcing myself to breathe and let go of the fear slowly wrapping itself around who I was. I was stronger than this, I needed to give this life a chance because it didn’t seem like I was going anywhere anytime soon.

  I looked at my reflection in the vanity mirror, staring at the girl who stared back at me. She was opposite of who I was before, but she was everything I had been since, and I needed to give her a chance instead of pushing her away at every twist and turn.

  I took a deep breath, ignoring the heaviness in my throat, and stared harder at the girl before me.

  “Your name is Everly Hope Davis, and you are thirteen years old. Your mom’s name is Claire and your family consists of Lio and Emily Smith. They love you, they know you, and it’s time that you tried to know you too.”

  As each word, each admission, left my mouth, my soul grabbed at my heart and screamed its objections, not understanding the need to live this new life and not depend as much on Penelope, the person I used to be.

  “She’s gone,” I silently said to myself. “She’s gone, and Everly is who you need to be now.”

  I allowed a few tears to fall but wiped them away just as quickly. It was time I gave this new life a fighting chance. I was going to be less hard to the world around me and let my heart love like it was always meant to.

  “Happy Birthday, Everly,” Elliot said, pulling me into a hug and pressing a light kiss against my temple. He wa
s my best friend and thirteen-year-old me couldn’t help but swoon whenever he was around. “Are you ready to celebrate?”

  I pulled back from his grasp and gave him a small smile. “As ready as I’ll ever be, though I will admit that I am a little nervous.”

  “Why is that?” He asked, his dark chocolate-colored eyes shining with mischief. “Don’t trust us?”

  He was teasing and my heart tripped over itself at the way he stared at me, always like I was his favorite person in the world, which, second to his mom, I was.

  I smiled, not giving him the satisfaction of an answer. Instead, I stared at his face a beat longer, noting the changes he had grown through seemingly overnight. His baby face was more defined, his eyes more sharp, his hair more styled, and his clothes less boyish. He was growing up and so was I, and I didn’t like the way that made me feel.

  My heart beat for him and my soul missed who I was before a lot less whenever he was around. He grounded me and made me feel whole. How one boy could do that, I didn’t know, but instead of running away from it like I had before, I was going to embrace it. I was going to live it.

  “What’s that look on your face?” He bumped his shoulder against mine, a laugh in his voice.

  “Just wondering why you put so much effort into your appearance today,” I said nonchalantly.

  “Oh this?” He questioned, jokingly oblivious. “Someone in class called me cute the other day, so I figured I’d test that theory out today.”

  “Yeah? And how exactly do you plan on doing that?”

  “The look on your face a minute ago told me all I needed to know,” he said with a smirk.

  I hit his arm, narrowing my eyes. “Watch it, Lio, your cocky is showing.”

  He threw his arms across my shoulders. “That’s your favorite part about me, Everly.”

  I rolled my eyes, the weight of his arm giving the butterflies in my stomach further reason to flutter around. He was Lio, my best friend, the only person in this life I liked from day one. I wouldn’t jeopardize that, not when my dreams had shown me the love I had lost and left behind, the one I couldn’t forget even when I desperately wanted to, along with all the other memories sometimes.

  As Penelope, teenage hormones and talk of sex hadn’t happened until I was much older, maybe sixteen, but as Everly, Claire taught me about the birds and the bees when I was ten. I guess it was because I hung out with Lio so much. I might have been young, but I was definitely physically attracted to the boy I called my best friend. That frightened me a little, but probably not as much as it should have.

  I shook those thoughts away and returned to the present.

  “So, what’s this birthday surprise you all have been whispering about?” I finally asked.

  “We’re going to the river!” Lio’s eyes lit up and his smile grew. “Claire mentioned something about your love of stars. How come I never knew about that?”

  My stomach plummeted, a sense of loss filling my soul whenever I was reminded of the traits and likes I carried from my life as Penelope—the girl I’m forced to pretend never existed.

  I loved stars. Well, I loved staring at them. It was another imprint from before. I had flashes in my dreams of myself looking at stars and although I wasn’t alone, they were becoming less and less detailed, so I wasn’t sure who I shared that hobby with.

  I didn’t miss the way he referred to Claire by her first name and not as my mom. He didn’t know why I didn’t call her that, and he had never asked. He just respected my wishes like he always did. I smiled at him, my body buzzing like it always did whenever he looked at me that way—with bright eyes and a hopeful smile. He was my bright light in the darkness and no matter what he had always been there, and I knew he always would be.

  “Everly? Are you there?” He asked with a light chuckle, pulling me from my Elliot-induced daze.

  I shook my head and laughed lightly, shaking off the nostalgic feeling I was battling. “Yes, sorry. What does going to the river have anything to do with my love of stars?”

  “Well, along the river at night is when the sky is its clearest,” he said matter-of-factly. “So, Claire thought it would be a nice gift for you.”

  A lump lodged itself in my throat, but I shook that away too. Claire had done something nice for me, this wasn’t anything new. But for some reason, this day—my birthday—was making me recognize that more. I had been trying my hardest to push her away, to act like she meant nothing to me, but aside from Lio and his mom, she was all I had had in this life so far.

  Would it be so bad to let her in?

  You’ll be betraying your old life, I thought to myself.

  “Everly? Hey, are you okay?” Lio wrapped his arms around my body and pulled me against his chest.

  I breathed into his shirt, shaking my head.

  I had never been able to lie to him. The one thing I had kept from him was my secret and only Claire knew about that, though she liked to believe I was full of crap with an active imagination. I sniffled and bit back tears, shaking my head harder against his chest.

  “Hey, it’s your birthday. You’re thirteen, that’s a huge deal,” he said quietly. His hands rubbed up and down my back, soothing my racing heart. I needed to get ahold of this life before I lost it completely, and as much as I wasn’t fond of it, I didn’t want to leave another life behind. I wasn’t sure my soul could take it.

  I slowly pulled away from him and gave him a gentle smile. “You’re right. That is a huge deal. So, let’s do this thing.”

  His eyes narrowed in suspicion at my quick shift in mood but whatever he saw on my face didn’t make him question it aloud. He nodded his head, pressed a longing kiss against my cheek, and led me toward the car where Claire and Emily were already sitting.

  We sat in the car, excitement thick in the air, and headed to the river. I was staring out the window when Lio’s hand gripped mine, giving it a gentle squeeze.

  He was right, thirteen was huge, and I had been unlucky enough to live through it twice.

  “Come on, Ever, you have to come to my game this weekend,” Lio pleaded with his most insincere puppy dog brown eyes.

  “You know those big browns don’t affect me the way they do every other girl at this school,” I said with the roll of my eyes.

  Even as the words left my mouth, I could see the girls standing several feet from us gawking at him in his game day outfit. Coach required his players to dress professionally, especially on game day. Never mind the fact that it was a high school football team. In Texas, football is a gigantic deal. More than gigantic, really, and unfortunately for me, my best friend was the center of it all at our school in Dallas.

  “You wound me, seriously. Those girls aren’t you.” He adjusted his tie and I watched the way his fingers moved in the process.

  He had always been attractive, but the more time we spent together and the older we got, well, the more I really started to notice. That didn’t bode well for me. This life was imprinting itself all over my soul, and I couldn’t stop it. Still, dreams of Penelope and her life continued to occupy my dreams some nights.

  “Lio, you know I love you, right?” He opened his mouth to answer the rhetorical question, but I held up my hand and halted him. “So, why do you feed me corny lines like I’m one of the girls you hook up with over the weekend?”

  Something flashed in his eyes and his lips thinned. “I don’t feed you lines, I only ever tell you the truth. You know that, Everly, and you also know that I don’t like to talk about other girls when we’re together.”

  I huffed in annoyance, ignoring the tingles spreading from the center of the stomach to the rest of my body. “You only recently started not sharing details of your hookups. One day you were confiding in me and then the next you were shutting me out and keeping things from me. You do realize that I hear about your nightly rendezvous anyway from, oh, everyone else, and that it sucks not hearing it from you because I should know. I’m your best friend, Elliot.”

  His eye
s briefly closed before staring directly into mine. I went to take a step back from their intensity but he reached out and held my arm, preventing me from moving at all.

  “Don’t call me that.” He shook his head. “You only call me that when you’re upset, and I don’t like when you’re upset with me.”

  “I know, I’m sorry, but I am upset.” I swallowed over a lump in my throat and gently pulled away from him. “You used to tell me everything and then one day you stopped. Is it your popularity? Are you ashamed of me? I know I’m not as pretty as the other girls you hang around but—”

  “Stop, Jesus.” He was seething. “That isn’t it.”

  “Then what is it?” I was practically begging and the strong girl inside of me cringed at the act.

  Lio was the one person who could resort me to this. He held so much power over me, I wasn’t even sure I could survive this life without him. Which is insane because we’re fifteen. Well, I’m more like forty-one, but who was really counting?

  “Everly, I don’t have the headspace for this conversation. It’s game day.”

  “Fine. When you have the ‘headspace’ for me, let me know.” I threw air quotes around the term for dramatic effect. Judging by the movement of his throat, I’d say it was a success.

  I turned to walk away but he reached for me. I moved out of the way, avoiding his grasp.

  “No, go see one of your other friends, I’m sure they’re a lot less stressful to be around.”

  “Ever,” he said, keeping pace beside me as I made a half-hearted attempt to walk away from him. He had a foot on me in height, so it wasn’t difficult for him to match my movements.

  I continued on my merry way, trying to speed up but whenever I did, he would do the same. I huffed in annoyance.

  “Ever? Come on, are you really going to give me the silent treatment right now?” He sounded worried and that made me feel bad.

  I didn’t even know why I was upset, just that I was. I loved how talented he was, I just disliked that that talent came with a never-ending sea of girls ready and willing to do whatever necessary to get Elliot Smith’s attention. It wasn’t the type of drama I wanted or needed, but being the fifteen-year-old best friend of the school’s favorite football player basically guaranteed that I was going to deal with the drama whether I liked it, wanted it, or not.