This Life Isn't Mine

by Dominique Laura

  I stopped my speed walk and turned to face him. I looked up at him, at the hurt and confusion in his features.

  “It’s not really the silent treatment, I just don’t really know what to say.” I shrugged.

  His lips quirked up in a half smile. “Oh? Did I leave you speechless, enchanted Ever?”

  I groaned. “Why do you insist on calling me that?”

  “Because you get annoyed every time I say it, and it’s cute as all hell,” he said, his lips spreading into a full-blown smile. “You’re damn near everything to me, Everly, so why don’t you hop on over here and love me like the best friend you are?”

  His brow raised in a challenge and being that I was never one to back away from one of those, I stepped into his outstretched arms and sighed when they held my body tightly against his.

  Lio pressed his lips against the top of my head, and his lips brushed against my skin as he spoke. “See, now isn’t that better?”

  “It is, Lio, it so is,” I said into his chest, snuggling closer. “I’m sorry for being dramatic and jealous.”

  “It’s okay, I’d probably act the same if our roles were reversed.” I could hear the smile in his voice at his confession.

  For months, we had been teetering on the line of friendship and something more. Since day one, it had been he and I against the world. It was almost as if he was my gift from some higher force for my being thrown into a second life, one I had no choice but to live. Lio was my lifeline in this world and although it would be easy to give into my heart, I couldn’t do that to him, not without betraying Penelope, and she was still inside me somewhere, though she was far quieter than she used to be.

  “You don’t have any reason to be jealous.” I assured him.

  “Don’t I? You don’t see the way other people look at you. I swear it’s like you’re a superstar all on your own.”

  “If being antisocial and hermit-like are superstar traits then I’m definitely far ahead in the game.” I joked.

  I knew I was pretty. That wasn’t me being conceited, it was me being aware. I felt the way people’s attention latched onto me whenever I walked by and with everything else in this life, I ignored it and continued on because I didn’t have patience for their shallowness. Lio was the exception. He cared for me even without the plump lips, bright eyes, and lean figure.

  His chest shook against my cheek with laughter. “You’re something more, Ever. That’s for damn sure.”

  “Yeah,” I said softly. “You’re something more too, Lio.”

  At my words, his arms tightened around my body and his heartbeat sped up. We were so young and he was completely unaware of the weight I carried. It was tied tightly around my heart every waking second of every gosh darn day. I wasn’t sure how he would react, probably about as well as Claire had when I first started trying to explain to her who I really was. She stared at me with pity and worry, assuming there was something wrong with me rather than trying to understand. She and I had a better relationship, sure, but even after all these years, our relationship was forced and almost strained. At least on my end. She was happy with whatever I gave.

  Lio’s arms stayed wrapped around me until his football buddies ran past, letting him know it was time to head to the locker rooms and get dressed in their uniforms for the game.

  He gently pulled away, moved a strand of hair behind my head, and rested his hand against my cheek.

  “Good luck out there.”

  “I don’t need it, but I’ll store that away for when I do.”

  I rolled my eyes, shaking my head at him as he walked away.

  “Always so confident,” I yelled after him.

  “Yeah, but that’s your favorite trait about me,” he yelled back, giving me a wink before turning to join his teammates.

  He wasn’t wrong, it was my favorite trait about him. He was always so sure of himself, unafraid to take risks and chances. He was how I aspired to be in this new life. And that was partly why I wouldn’t ruin our friendship over some teenage hormonal feelings. I’m sure it would pass. Whatever these feelings were, they wouldn’t last forever. I knew better than anyone that forever was a load of crap. If living forever meant bouncing from one life to the next, then I wanted no part in it.

  “I could honestly stare at him all day,” said the random girl beside me to her friend.

  They were pointing at the football team throughout the whole game, only stopping to gasp when one of them took off their helmet on the sidelines. This time they were focused in on Elliot and his best friend Jeremy, second to me of course.

  Just gag me now. Blech.

  I sat on my own, like I always did, and watched Lio’s every move. He was effortless on the field. It’s cliché, but it was where he belonged. He was one of our school’s starting wide receivers, and he was damn good at it.

  Apparently, these girls thought so too, along with every other person sitting in the stands wearing his jersey number. That was one thing I refused to do. I showed my support in other ways. That, and I didn’t want him to look at me like he did everyone else—of course, I knew he never would but still, that insecurity was there, and I refused to fuel it.

  The girls beside me yelled Elliot and Jeremy’s names, and of course they turned, giving the girls a slight nod of the head and a wave. Lio spotted my cringe and blew a kiss my way, a smirk the size of our state taking up most of his face. I raised my middle finger in his direction and narrowed my eyes. He just shook his head, laughed, and went back onto the field, placing his helmet back on as he did.

  “You know Elliot and Jeremy?” One of the girls asked.

  I gave them a tight smile, not bothering to give them more than a curt nod. It really wasn’t any of their business, and if they thought they could use me to get to them then they were dead wrong.

  “Have you ever, ya know, like, hooked up with them?” The same girl asked.

  “At the same time?” The other one piped.

  I blew out a breath of frustration and turned my full attention on them.

  “That is none of your business, and I can guarantee that if you think Elliot or Jeremy—well, he might—actually like the skimpy outfits you’re wearing or the way you keep yelling their names like they’re some rock star legends, then you’re wrong.”

  I stared at the girl directly in front of me. She was gorgeous and her bright blue eyes shined with a secret, one I knew she was going to spill any second now judging by the gleam that continued to sparkle behind her irises.

  “That’s funny,” she practically snarled while her friend—some frizzy-haired redhead—smirked. “Because just before the game Elliot was telling me how much he liked it when I screamed his name.”

  “You’re lying,” I said on instinct, not even giving my brain or heart a moment to process her words.

  I realized my mistake when she giggled, a hint of pride visible in her devious smile.

  “No, Everly, I don’t have to lie about stuff like that.”

  “How the hell do you know my name?”

  “Please, like anyone at school doesn’t know who Elliot’s best friend is,” she said with the roll of her eyes. “I figured it out when he blew you that kiss, and I used to think you two were hiding some sort of romance, but obviously you’re not. What a shame too, you really are missing out.”

  My body heated in anger and frustration. What I was angry or frustrated at, well, I wasn’t sure I wanted to admit that to myself yet. All I knew was that my heart was racing at a mile a minute and that my body was shaking with anger. I didn’t give her the satisfaction of responding. No. Instead, I stood up just as the fourth and final quarter of the game ended and booked it down the stands, rushing out of the stadium like my body was on fire. Which, based on the anger radiating through my veins, was very possible.

  I wrapped my arms around myself and began my walk home. I lived less than two miles from the stadium, so it wasn’t a long trek. I clutched my cell just in case though, you never knew when you’d ne
ed to make an emergency call.

  I was halfway home when my phone buzzed in my hand. I glanced down, a smile forming on my face before I could stop it.

  Lio: You still here?

  Me: Nope.

  There. Short and sweet. I was still too upset from what blue-eyed beauty and her friend shared with me. Sure, I knew Lio got around. He was the definition of a popular, attractive, athletic, fifteen year old. I had just never been in a position before where his hookups were all but being rubbed in front of my face. Again, not that it should have bothered me, but it did, and I think I was more upset with myself than anything. I promised myself the day after my thirteenth birthday as Everly that I wasn’t going to fall in love in this life. My old life was still so present that anything I did felt like a betrayal.

  Except when you’re with Lio. The little voice inside my head reminded me.

  It had a point. With Lio, my old life was practically non-existent. He made the present more worthwhile than any life or person, and I loved that most. So, why couldn’t I just enjoy his company and not act like such a teenage girl by letting the teenage drama get to me like this?

  My phone buzzed again. I was closer to home now and thought about ignoring it, but instead I opened the new message and read what it said.

  Lio: Is something wrong?

  Before I could respond, my phone buzzed again.

  Lio: Wait. Don’t answer that. We won, you feel like celebrating?

  I shook my head, not replying this time. I walked into the house and was immediately greeted by Claire.

  “Hey honey, how was the game?”

  I smiled at her, a genuine one. I was getting better at this Everly thing. “It was good. They won.”

  “Well, of course they did. They have Elliot.”

  “Yeah,” I said quietly. “I’m going to head to my room. It’s been a long day.”

  “Okay, Ever. Wait, are you hungry? I made some apple pie. I know it’s your favorite.”

  At the mention, my stomach grumbled. She was right. It was my favorite. If food were an actual weakness, well then anything apple-related was definitely mine. I loved it. Everything about it. But I especially loved it when it was in dessert form.

  “Sure, I’ll have a slice.” I hung my bag by the door and placed my phone on the counter while I grabbed a couple of plates for myself and Claire. “Thank you, by the way. It was a little warm today, so I’m not sure how you pulled it off.”

  She shrugged, a smile lighting up her face as she cut our slices from the fresh-made pie. “I just wanted to do something nice for you, like mothers do.”

  I gave her a sad smile, regretting that in the fifteen years we had been a part of each other’s lives, I still had yet to refer to her as anything other than her name—Claire.

  “Well, thank you, that means a lot to me,” I said, genuinely thankful for her kindness. She saw the good in everyone and held more hope than I thought one person could, or should, really.

  We both sat at the kitchen table, slowly eating our pieces in silence. I almost groaned at the deliciousness that always would be apple pie. Out forks clinked against the glass plates and an uncomfortable silence filled the kitchen.

  “Elliot called just before you walked in the door,” Claire said casually.

  My heart rate sped up at the mention of his name, reminding me that I had all but avoided him after the game. He was just too much sometimes, and the territory he came with was way more than I could handle.

  “Oh?” My voice cracked. I cleared it as subtly as I could. “What did he want?”

  “He said that you weren’t responding to his texts and that he was worried,” she said slowly, almost cautiously. She was probably worried about how I was going to react. We didn’t really have heart-to-heart conversations of any kind, so these were rare and barely tested waters we were treading in. “Did you two get into a fight?”

  I took a deep breath, wondering how honest I should be with her. She had been there for me as best as she could since the day she brought me into this new life, and I had no reason to think she would ever betray me. Besides, I had been trying to be more civil and respectful toward her. It wasn’t her fault I was stuck in the predicament I was in. It was someone bigger than her, than me, than all of us.

  At the sincerity in her hazel eyes, eyes that replicated my own, I knew I needed to let her in, and this would be the perfect opportunity. Lio was common ground, she knew him almost as well as I did, so if anyone would understand whatever it was I was feeling it would be Claire.

  “No, I just,” I shook my head, feeling a little ridiculous at how I reacted at the game. I tried not to be childish, but it was hard when I’d been forced to live as one for so long. “I might have gotten a little jealous over something these girls said.”

  “What did they say?” She asked, curious.

  “Nothing that I didn’t already know.” I sheepishly confessed. “Lio and I are friends, he’s the most important person in my life, but lately I’ve been getting snappy and jealous over how he is with everyone else. He isn’t just my Lio, he’s theirs.”

  “Oh, sweetie.” Claire reached over to squeeze my hand.

  My face heated as I held back tears. Being fifteen was a mixture of hormonal craziness, happiness, and uncertainties. Some days I was insecure, others confident. Some days I felt beautiful, others I felt like a sack of potatoes. Some days I was grateful for Lio, and others I resented him for ingraining himself so deeply on my soul in such a short amount of time.

  I rolled my eyes at how ridiculous I was being.

  “It’s okay, I’m just trying to sort through all of these new feelings.”

  “Everly, it’s okay to like him, you two have been inseparable since birth, so it’s only natural,” she said reassuringly.

  “You think so?” I asked, hopeful. “Because as soon as this passes I’m sure we’ll all be a whole lot happier.”

  “I do, but I think you should talk to him, don’t you? He doesn’t deserve for you to shut him out. You two have never been like that to one another, as far as I know anyway.”

  “You’re right. I’ll call him.”

  She shook her head, a smile forming on her lips. “I don’t think you’ll have to. He’s already making his way up the porch.”

  “What?!” I whisper-yelled, turning my head to see Lio raise his fist to knock on the door. He stopped himself, shook his head, and looked up at the sky, probably cursing the universe for bringing me to him.

  I walked to the door and slowly opened it. “Are you going to stand out here all night or are you actually going to knock? I promise I put the thorn door protector away, so you wouldn’t have been harmed in the process.”

  He lowered his head and fought his smile, his eyes narrowing in on mine. “With you it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

  “Yeah, that’s probably true,” I said with a laugh.

  Claire had went to her room, but I wanted this conversation to be as private as possible, so I pressed a hand against his chest and pushed him back a little, closing the door behind me with the other. I pulled my hand back and crossed my arms over my chest, preparing for something I really wasn’t ready for.

  “Were you ignoring my texts?” He asked as soon as he realized I wasn’t going to make the first move. Well, I would have. Maybe. Probably not. Lio was used to taking charge in this friendship.

  “I could lie, but you’d see right through it, so I’m going to be honest. Yes, I was.”

  “Why?” His eyes flashed with irritation, his tone mirroring that emotion when he spoke. “Did something happen during the game? I was having a really good night. My boys and I won the game and all I wanted to do was celebrate with you.”

  “It’s just a game,” I bit out, regretting it as soon as the words left my mouth.

  “Maybe, but it’s important to me. Football is my thing, you know that. So, what’s really going on here?”

  “It’s stupid, I—”

  He cut me off. �
�I don’t care if you’re about to tell me about your obsession with the Easter bunny or how you’ve met an alien in real life, just be honest with me and stop treating me like I haven’t known you my entire life.”

  “Fine.” I briefly closed my eyes before squaring my shoulders and staring up at him, hoping like hell I could hold my ground long enough to say what I needed to say and not sound like an incompetent lovesick teenage girl in the process. “The girl I was sitting next to was more than thrilled to tell me about how happy you were when she was screaming your name the other night.”

  “Okay?” He asked, visibly nervous at where I was going with this. “That’s why you were ignoring me?”

  “Basically, yeah.” I tightened my arms around myself as a protective barrier. My stomach was tying itself in knots. “It might have hurt my feelings too.”

  “It did?” His eyes widened in surprise.

  “Yes,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “Why would it—?” Great. He couldn’t even finish his question.

  “Because I, you know, am dealing with some sort of teenage fantasy where the heroine falls for her childhood best friend.” I shrugged my shoulders like that explained it all. I knew it didn’t, but I really wasn’t sure how to express it to him when I still didn’t really understand it myself.

  His face looked confused before he leaned his head back and barked out a laugh.

  “Ugh.” I unwrapped my arms and slapped him on the chest. “This is not funny, can you not?”

  “I’m sorry,” he managed to speak out in between deep breaths of laughter. “It’s just you look so awkward and uncomfortable like I’m not going to reciprocate those feelings.”

  “You’re not supposed to, obviously.”

  That got his laughter to stop. “Come on, Ever, you can’t be serious. I mean, how can you not know?”