This Life Isn't Mine

by Dominique Laura

  “Because we’ve been as platonic as two people can be.”

  “That isn’t true.”

  I just stared at him blankly.

  “You’ve always been my something more. How can you not know that?”

  “Uh, maybe because we’re fifteen and way too young to even know what something more is.”

  That earned me an irritated eye roll. “We’re old enough to have sex, but we aren’t old enough to feel love?”

  My eyes widened at the word. “Don’t say that.”

  “Say what? That I love you?” He laced his fingers through mine, bringing them to rest over the left side of his chest. “Do you feel that? No one, and I mean no one, gets me worked up like you do. And I don’t even mind it, Everly.”

  I closed my eyes, a memory-filled dream of Penelope’s life forcing its way into my mind.

  “We’re getting married!” He said against my cheek, his lips assaulting me one kiss after the next. “Man, I love you, Penny.”

  I giggled against his chest, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I love you, too. You mean everything to me, everything and more. I’m so happy right now.”

  “Right now or always?” He asked, pressing a lingering kiss against my lips.

  “Always, forever and always, and always and forever,” I said against his lips. “Always, always, always.”

  “We’ve come a long way, Penny. I knew I loved you from the moment you snapped at me for not holding the door open for you long enough for you to get through.”

  I laughed, playfully rolling my eyes as the memory came forward like it was yesterday and not three years before. “That’s because you opened it long enough for me to step into the doorway and then let go, so I had to act fast and drop my coffee otherwise the door would have whacked me in the face, you jerk.”

  “Oh? I’m a jerk, now?” He tickled my sides, pulling my body further against his.

  “No,” I said through my laughs. “Not now. Before. You were a jerk that first day and then I fell in love with you and now I don’t think it’s possible for me to love you deeper. You’ve marked my soul forever.”

  “You’ve marked mine too, Penny.” His eyes pierced through mine, somehow gazing lovingly at everything I’d given him—the good, the ugly, all of it. “From this life to the next, you’ll be mine until there are no more times left.”

  My eyes watered, tears streaming down from my eyes. “You’ll always be mine, too—until there are no more times left.”

  His thumbs lightly dabbed my tears away. “Don’t cry, we’re about to get married!”

  “Yeah, in a chapel in the middle of nowhere by some random dude ordained on the internet,” I said with a smile, not at all minding how we were doing it. I didn’t care as long as got married, and we were, right now.

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  We walked into the small wedding room connected to the chapel, ready as ever to really start our forever.

  “Everly? Are you alright?”

  Strong hands gripped either side of my face gently. I opened my eyes to Lio’s worried expression. My body was shaking and I was crying, but I could only vaguely remember why. I closed my eyes and swallowed back my pain. Penelope’s memories were sometimes more vivid than others and that particular memory had stayed with me since I first dreamt it a few months back. I had been in love—no, she had.

  “Everly?” Lio asked, his voice slightly frantic.

  “Yes, I’m okay, just trying to process all of this.”

  “I know it’s a lot, but you can’t tell me you didn’t know.” His eyes were pleading with me to—what? I wasn’t sure.

  “I may have suspected, but we’re best friends and this will only make things more difficult. I mean, what if we don’t work out? Besides, how do you hook up with someone when you supposedly have feelings for me?”

  “Because you have my heart, how I choose to get off has no relation to that at all.”

  I groaned, sobering up from the memory really quickly. “You’re such a guy, and I hate saying that because it’s extremely stereotypical and slightly sexist, but I can’t think of anything else to say.”

  “I’m sorry, Ever, okay? I really am. You’re my best friend, and I have feelings for you and you have feelings for me, so where do we go from here?”

  I sighed, pulling my bottom lip into my mouth as I thought it all over. “I honestly don’t know. But why don’t we see where life takes us, forget this conversation ever happened, and revisit it when we aren’t just starting to really grow into our hormonal, dramatic phase?”

  “You really want to do that?”

  “Yes,” I told him honestly. “It’s too complicated right now, too unstable. Let’s just press pause on this whole last hour and come back to it in a few years or something.”

  He didn’t look happy about my decision, but knowing me the way that he did, he knew better than to object. My heart was down, ready for any battle, but it definitely wasn’t ready for what Lio wanted to offer me—for what he thought he wanted to offer.

  “Okay.” He nodded his head, a look of determination forming on his way-too-gorgeous face. “Just know that I am going to make it extremely difficult for you to wait that long.”

  I opened my mouth to challenge him but before I could his hands were gripping my face and his lips were pressing hard against mine. He moved slowly, his lips pressing softer against mine. I wrapped my hands against his arms, with the full attention of pushing him away, but instead I pulled him closer, my lips battling his as they moved against each other at a harsh, excruciatingly slow pace.

  He pulled away, a satisfied, knowing smirk on his face.

  “A few years huh?” He backed away, his smirk somehow widening. “We’ll see about that enchanted Ever.”

  I clenched my jaw, narrowed my eyes, and glanced up at the stars, praying to whoever set me down in this life not to take this one away from me too. I was just now starting to find my new self—well, maybe. My new happiness and my heart shadowed with the underlying pain of being taken from this one before I was ready—just like Penelope.

  You’re not Penelope, my internal voice reminded me for the first time since being Everly, brutally stating the truth I needed to hear. I choked back a sob, because for the first time I actually believed it.

  I wasn’t sure if that was what it was supposed to feel like, but if it was then it didn’t make sense what all the fuss was about. That kiss had been awkward and, well, a little wet.

  I shivered, remembering how he had tried unsuccessfully to practically shove his tongue down my throat.

  It hadn’t been pleasant, and I really didn’t want to do it again, but if I didn’t perfect this now then I would just end up making an even bigger fool out of myself when I kissed a guy I did like.

  Not that I didn’t like Oliver, but he was too immature for me.

  So, I leaned forward again and pressed my lips against his, slower this time, and made the most out of the situation.

  As first kisses went, I guess it wasn’t so bad. But I made a silent vow to myself that the next guy I kissed, I would actually have feelings for. I was sixteen, so awkward kisses in the back of the gym weren’t exactly on the top of my lists of good times.

  But as they say, practice makes perfect, so this wouldn’t have been a total waste.

  “So, Everly, what’s this I hear about a birthday?” Jeremy asked, draping his arm across my shoulders.

  “What’s this? You’ve never heard about personal space or boundaries before?” I shot back with an equally sweet-as-sin, condescending grin on my face.

  He sighed dramatically but removed his arm and gave me some breathing space. I released a deep breath. I wasn’t a fan of my personal space being invaded, especially when it was Jeremy. He was a nice enough guy, but he bragged too much about his hookups and somehow managed to bring Lio’s into every conversation, too. He treated me like one of his best friends, and that was fine, except my chest tightened whenever Lio
’s one night stands were mentioned. Not that he was having very many of those since he and what’s-her-name were in a steady relationship, or something.

  “Her name’s Natalie,” Jeremy shared, laughing out loud.

  “What?” I asked, confused.

  “You asked that question aloud, sweet Everly.”

  My eyes widened and my cheeks heated in embarrassment. Of course I had. I wasn’t great at keeping my opinions or comments to myself, and more often than not I always found a way to stick both feet in my mouth.

  “Well, can you blame me? She’s forgettable, especially considering she’s never said more than a few words to me in all of the time she and Lio have been together.”

  “Do you blame her?” He countered. “Elliot loses himself when it comes to you. You ask, and he does. Not many girlfriends would like that, but Natalie has at least made an effort. I mean, they’re sickly in love, and that’s saying a lot since he used to look at you with double-heart eyes not too long ago.”

  “Once again, you’re being dramatic,” I said, sitting on the bench beside the boy’s locker rooms. “He and I have literally been best friends since we were in our mother’s wombs. We can’t help that we’re destined to be stuck in each other’s lives.”

  My body tightened and threatened to fight me at the acknowledgment that Claire was my mom. It was still taking some getting used to.

  “Yeah, yeah, so why don’t you go out with me then?”

  I choked on a laugh. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “Your birthday is this weekend, right? Well, let me take you out to celebrate.”

  “What if I already have plans?”

  “I know you don’t because, at the risk of sounding like a jerk, you don’t really talk to anyone other than myself or Elliot, and whoever we happen to bring around.” He held up his hands. “Not that it’s a bad thing, just the truth. So, let me help you celebrate?”

  “Claire has plans for me.”

  “All day plans? That’s cool, I’d only need a night, anyway.”

  I raised a curious brow at him. “Oh, would you now?”

  He leaned his head back and barked out a laugh. “Not like that, Everly. So, what do you say?”

  I chewed on the inside of my cheek, unsure of what I wanted to do. I had been trying to make more of an effort in this life and wasn’t one of life’s greatest pleasures dating and meeting new people, giving them a chance?

  “What do you look so happy about?” Lio asked as he walked up to Jeremy. I could feel his eyes on me, but I was too busy trying to figure out what I wanted to do.

  “Hi, Ever,” Natalie said, forcing me to look up and give her a tight smile and quick hand wave.

  Lio had tried telling me once about how I needed to be more friendly with her because she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and blah, blah, blah, but I didn’t like that, so I played civil and acted courteous whenever I needed to. Which was a lot, let me tell you. He and I had been spending less and less time together the more time he spent with her. And I was okay with that, at least I thought I was.

  “Did I miss something?” Lio asked Jeremy, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

  “Yeah man,” he said, clamping his hand excitedly over Lio’s shoulder. “I think I just landed myself a date.”

  “With who?” Lio asked with a chuckle.

  “Everly.” Jeremy sounded all too proud, and I was helpless to stop the smile that formed on my face.

  Lio’s laughter halted and he looked down at me, accusation filling his deep brown eyes. “Really?”

  “Yeah,” I said, standing up to join Jeremy’s side, deciding in that same moment that I was going to take him up on his offer. “We’re going to celebrate my birthday this weekend.”

  Jeremy leaned over, pressed a quick kiss to my cheek, and walked back toward the locker room. “If I didn’t have practice right now, I’d be running through the parking lot screaming about how stoked I am.”

  I shook my head, laughing at his ridiculousness. He was sweet in his own way, and although he liked women—yes, plural, sometimes more than one at the same time—he wasn’t a bad guy. Besides, why should someone’s bed-partner number be used against their character?

  “I have to get to practice, but I’ll call you later, okay?” Lio said to Natalie, giving her hand a kiss before dropping it to turn his attention toward me. His face, well his whole body actually, was so tense I doubt he even heard her response. His fists were clenching around his duffle bag strap and at the sight of his whitening knuckles, I knew he was upset.

  Great. Not exactly what I needed, but fine.

  “You’re going out with him?” His voice was tight, barely contained anger slipping into his tone.

  I crossed my arms defiantly. “I sure am. He asked, I said yes. Do you have a problem with that?”

  “Do I—?” He cursed and shook his head. “He’s my best guy friend, and you’re the most important person in my life.”

  I scoffed, rolling my eyes at that. “Yeah, right.”

  He took a step toward me. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that you’ve been so preoccupied with your girlfriend that I just thought you had put me on the backburner, that maybe you finally decided to take me off that pedestal you liked to place me on so much.”

  “That’s ridiculous, Ever.”

  “Maybe.” I shrugged. “But that doesn’t make it any less true.”

  He shook his head, doing nothing to hide his disappointment in me. “I have to get dressed, but I’ll call you later, okay?”

  “I might not answer, okay?”

  “You will,” he said. “Because we’re best friends and we’ve never given up on each other, so we sure as hell aren’t going to start now.”

  “Dramatic much, Lio?”

  “When it comes to you? Yeah.”

  I watched him stomp into the locker room, wondering how I had gotten myself into this mess. If my dreams slash memories were correct, Penelope was never the type to react this way. She was fearless, strong, honest, and she didn’t let life get the best of her, which is what I had been trying not to do lately because life could be a real pain sometimes. But the more I separated myself from her, the less I remembered the life I had when I was her. Those memories came at random, but when they did I was powerless against them. I wanted nothing more than to know more about that life, but with this life digging a deeper home into my soul, I was afraid I was ever going to get that chance.

  Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing, I thought.

  “How are you sixteen already?” My mother asked, squeezing me tightly against her. “You’re growing up so fast, my love.”

  I hugged her back, unafraid of expressing my love for her. “Life is weird, that’s for sure.”

  “I have a surprise for you,” she said excitedly.

  “You do?” I asked, equally thrilled. “What is it?”

  “I found the perfect spot on my drive on the way home where we can look up at the stars more clearly.”

  “You did? You know how fascinated I am by those twinkly spots in the sky.”

  “I do, which is why tonight we’re going to sit out there for as long as you want. I never thought I’d find us a good place in Los Angeles.”

  “That could be forever.” I warned, a smile in my voice.

  “It’s a good thing that forever is on our side then isn’t it?

  “What are you two so happy about?” My dad’s booming voice playfully asked as he walked inside my room. “Is it someone’s birthday today?”

  I separated myself from my mom’s arms and ran straight into my dad’s, wrapping myself around his mid-section. “I’m the big sixteen. Weird, right?”

  “My baby girl is growing up so fast,” he said, pressing a kiss against my forehead. “I love you Penelope, you’re our biggest blessing in this life.”

  “And you’re mine,” I said with a smile. “In every life.”

  I woke up, sweat dripping out of every pore
on my body. The dreams were growing less frequent but more powerful each time I had them. Still, the images weren’t as clear as I wanted them to be—as I needed them to be. I couldn’t pick out details, and voices weren’t all that clear. They were dreams, but I knew in my heart that they were memories, too, because when I first started this life I could remember without falling asleep, but the more I lived as Everly, I started to forget. Some nights would fall asleep begging for a memory to come, and other nights I would fall asleep begging for the opposite.

  The parents that frequented those memories, where were they? Were they still living in Los Angeles? Were they happy? Did they remember me as much as I remembered them? I hoped so. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since I had left them, but I held hope that they were somewhere living out their dreams.

  My chest tightened.

  “What about your husband?” I whispered to myself. “Or Penelope’s husband?” I corrected.

  I closed my eyes and a tear found its way down my cheek. I turned on my side and silently cried into my hands. I hated not knowing, hated being unsure of this life and of the one I lived before.

  What did I do to deserve this? I was moving on in this new life and forgetting Penelope, and my soul cracked whenever I realized that fact. Is this what happened to everyone else on this planet? Did they forget their former lives quicker than I did mine, or did some of them still remember like I did? That was one thing I knew I would never know.

  “You’re going on a date?” Claire asked, peeking inside my room. “With Jeremy?”

  She sounded surprised, and I couldn’t really say that I blamed her. She knew how close Lio and Jeremy were; they were almost as inseparable as Lio and I were. But it didn’t make sense to say no. I wanted to make more of an effort, and I figured the first step in doing that was going on a date. I mean, I was sixteen, it was really about time.

  “Yeah, he asked, so I told him I would.”

  I stared at my reflection in front of me. My hair was in loose curls, hanging just below my shoulders, my hazel eyes popped with the eye makeup I had applied, and my heart-shaped lips were a deep red. For once, I put a lot of effort into my appearance, even wearing an olive green lace dress that stopped just above my knees. I was trying, and I really hoped Jeremy would take notice. If not, I was happy enough just doing this for me.