Our Broken Pieces

by Sarah White

  “Can I talk to you for a minute?” she asks cautiously. “You’re not returning my calls or texts.” I feel sorry for her. I can see now that she’s hurting too, but I can’t take any responsibility for that pain. I held up my end of our friendship and that allows me to hold my chin up when I shake my head no.

  “There’s nothing you can say, Elle.”

  “I can say I’m sorry,” she practically whispers.

  “I wish that would fix it.” My throat grows tight with emotion, but it’s not hurt that I’m feeling, it’s closure. Our friendship is over. “Even if I forgive you, I’ll never trust you again. What’s left of a friendship when there’s no trust?”

  Her face crumples and I watch her cry for the first time since she made the choice that broke my heart. “Nothing,” she answers. I nod my head and realize that it’s her turn to grieve. We all lost something through this experience.

  Rosie steps to the front of the group and gives me a hug. She’s been my cheerleader through this entire friendship breakup. I feel the relief radiating off her as her warm arms squeeze me tightly. She smiles sadly at me when she steps back and there is a clear change in the group dynamic. It’s as if many of them have just been waiting for me to be brave enough to face Elle and make a decision about where she stands in my life. Now that the war is over, no one will feel pressure to choose a side. I’ve finally freed myself from this self-imposed exile.

  I’ve had someone be a true friend to me these last weeks, and what Elle has offered me in the past as friendship now pales in comparison to my time with Gabe. I’m also closer to Angie, and a few of the other girls I worked with to plan the senior prank. I don’t need her. “It was nice to see everyone,” I say. “I’ve got to run. Enjoy practice.” With that, I turn and head to the parking lot, trying hard to contain the smile I feel screaming to be set free.

  I slip into my car and close my eyes. I expand my lungs, drawing in a deep breath and releasing it. I feel the slight shake in my hands, the aftermath of the adrenaline that helped propel me through that awkward situation. In the quiet safety of my car thoughts of Gabe begin to swirl in my head. When I leave the parking lot I head for his house instead of mine. There is a nagging thought at the back of my mind that maybe he wasn’t at school because something happened with Maggie.

  His driveway is empty when I pull up in front of his house. I only realize how much I was hoping he’d be here when it becomes clear that he’s not. It suddenly seems like there are miles between us. I thought last night had intensified our relationship, but maybe I’m the only one who feels that way. It’s a strong reminder that we both have demons we’re fighting, and while I’m close to getting past the events that have turned my world upside down, Gabe is fighting a demon that will never go away. He will forever be terrified of what could be with his sister.

  I drive around for a little while, not ready to go home. I end up at a small playground my mom used to take me to when I was younger, and decide to park beneath a large tree at the edge of the lot. I grab my backpack and head over to a shady area of grass beneath a tall tree. I spend the next two hours there, finishing my homework and watching the kids play in the sand while their mothers talk to each other.

  I have a few things I need to handle that I fell behind on when I left student council early yesterday and tuned out sixth period today. I dig my phone out of my backpack and dial Angie. She picks up on the third ring. “Hey, Everly.”

  “Hi, Angie. I’m sorry I haven’t been much help the last few days. I was wondering if you have a few minutes to talk about the rally tomorrow.” I might not feel like working on anything right now, but I’ve learned over the past few weeks that I can’t withdraw from everything just because things might not be going my way.

  “Of course.”

  “Can you catch me up on where we are so far? I sort of spaced out today.” Having a few hours to myself at the park has helped to clear my head. I want to know what’s going on with Gabe, but for now there is nothing I can do about it. I’ll just have to wait for him to reach out.

  “We sent out the voting cards for each homeroom so that they can vote for the best promposal. Mrs. Cramier and Coach Carter will count them up tomorrow morning and will have Mr. Eager make the slide that will be shown behind you when you make the announcement.” I hear the sound of a zipper on her side of the line followed by pages turning. “Also we voted on a playlist for when the students walk in and when they walk out. I’ll take a picture and send it to you so you’ll know when it’s your cue to start the rally.”

  “Thanks, Angie. And thank you for all your help these last few weeks. I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”

  “It’s been fun. I knew you would be great at secretary of activities. It’s been a blast working with you on everything.” Her words mean a lot to me and I feel my lips curl up into a smile. I did it. I managed to fulfill my duty as secretary of activities and put together ideas that everyone liked. It’s a great feeling.

  “Thanks again. See you tomorrow.”

  “You’re welcome. See you then.” The line disconnects and I tuck my phone back in my bag when I see there are no other messages or texts. When it starts to turn from day to evening, the visitors to the playground begin to pack up and I follow their lead, tucking my books into my backpack. My phone chimes inside my pocket. I swipe my finger across the screen and a message appears, and I feel relief for the first time all day.

  GABE: Come watch the planes with me.

  twenty-eight

  THE BACK ROAD that leads to the parking lot where I know Gabe will be is crowded with workers leaving the factories that line this area of the city. I haven’t even texted Gabe back, too anxious to get to him as quickly as possible. When I finally pull my car into the nearly empty lot, I feel a wave of relief when I see his truck backed into his usual spot. I should have known earlier that he would be here.

  He doesn’t move when I step up to the back of his truck. Instead, he keeps his eyes trained on the sky. “Hey,” I say in greeting.

  “Hi,” he answers. I watch him for a minute, taking in his tired eyes and the defeated look on his face. I lean against the lowered tailgate, following his gaze. I feel the shift of the vehicle when he climbs to the edge and rests on a knee, extending his hand to help me up.

  My soul has been starving for his touch all day, and it is with great relief and happiness that I wrap my fingers around his and allow him to lift me high enough to get my knees onto the cold, hard metal beneath us. I watch as he climbs back to his folded blanket, but his eyes don’t return to the sky above, they look deep into mine as he raises his arm in an invitation for me to lie on his chest.

  I curl into him, closing my eyes and letting his warmth surround me. There is nothing more important in this moment than just being with Gabe. All of my attention is on the way his strong muscles feel beneath me. I find it strange that he doesn’t smell of the chlorine I have grown to associate with him. His hand rests on the top of my head before stroking downward, capturing the ends of my hair between his fingers much like he did last night.

  “I’m sorry,” he says gently. His eyes return to the sky above us. His jaw seems tight and his eyes seem haunted.

  “It’s okay.” I let my hand slide across his chest, wrapping my arm around him and pulling myself closer. He shakes his head.

  “It’s not. I’ve been working on a few things. I needed a little time to get my thoughts straight. It wasn’t cool to ignore your texts, so thank you for forgiving me.” I’m not sure what to say, so I say nothing. “I want to share with you one of the things I’ve been working on.” His hand slips through my hair again but doesn’t trail to the ends. Instead, his fingers move lightly across my jaw and his lips meet mine ever so softly.

  Directly over us a plane leaps into the darkening sky, creating a loud and powerful roar as it passes. Gabe breaks our kiss and slowly moves his fingers from beneath my chin. With his eyes still on mine, he reaches beside him and bring
s his familiar notebook to his chest. He’s inviting me to read what he’s written and I feel both honored and terrified.

  “Are you sure?” I ask as my fingers move along the cover. He gives me a tight smile and a little nod of his head. I move so that I’m on my stomach, my upper body supported by my elbows. When I flip the cover open I can see that some of the lined pages have been ripped out. Remnants of scribbled writing and smudged black ink are visible on several strips of paper that have not been fully removed. I let the tips of my fingers glide over the letters, the imprints they have made gripping my heart because I know how difficult each attempt at writing this note must have been.

  When I finally come to the page that has been left intact, he reaches into his pocket and sets a folded and worn piece of paper on top of it. “You should probably read this first.” His voice is a deep monotone. I swallow past the lump in my throat and feel myself bite down a little too hard on my bottom lip in an attempt to keep my emotions at bay. His thumb presses into the soft skin above my chin and tugs lightly down, springing the trapped lip free. He swipes his rough fingertip along it before moving his hand so he can tuck it behind his head.

  It feels so important, this note I know he must have read a million times. The paper has become a little fuzzy in a few places where it’s been worn and is beginning to show its age. The writing on it is frantic, but the curling tilt of the lettering easily gives away its female author. My heart nearly stops when I see that it is addressed directly to Gabe. No wonder he’s carried the weight of her attempt so heavily across his shoulders. My eyes feel the sting of tears before they have even taken in the message.

  My Dearest Gabriel,

  I’m just so tired. The doctor has said that there is no cure for this roller coaster I’m riding. At the top there’s so much joy. The sun feels like it’s always shining, even in the darkness, and my soul feels full and peaceful. I know now that while I’m living at the top you are waiting breathlessly for me to plummet back to the ground. That’s exactly what I do. The fall is quick and unimaginable, only to end with this unbearable misery that can’t be described with any words I’ve ever found.

  I know you must be thinking that I was insane when I wrote this, but let me assure you this letter is being written in a moment of clarity. A few days ago I was so low that I couldn’t even get out of bed. Today I awoke with a clearer mind and knew that I needed to carry this out while I could because there is no promise that tomorrow I won’t find myself that low again.

  I love you and ask that you forgive me for this. Trust me, your life will be better—brighter, even, without me. I will always be a cancer to our family and it will only end when I’m gone. Imagine a life where you don’t have to worry about me ever again! Please tell Mom and Dad I love them. No one could have stopped me, so don’t ever doubt that you all did what you could do. I’ve lived my life feeling very loved and taken care of. The battle is completely inside me and I just can’t do this anymore.

  I love you,

  Maggie

  I close my eyes and let the tears fall down my cheeks. Gabe brushes the wetness from my face. We don’t say anything; we just sit in the quiet for a minute as I fold the note up the way it was when he handed it to me. When Maggie’s words are tucked neatly away, he takes the note from me and puts it back into his pocket. I wonder if it has always been there. I’m watching his face when his eyes dip down to the notebook below me, his response to that heartbreaking good-bye.

  Maggie,

  Your diagnosis hit us all hard but never changed the way I feel about having you as a sister. You have always been a shining star, so bright that I felt the only thing I could do was run after your light. I will be happy to do that for the rest of our lives. You are mistaken when you say that I’m waiting at the bottom of your inescapable roller coaster. If you’d only look hard enough you’d see that I’m sitting right next to you. We go up together—we fall together. If you kill yourself, you will be killing a part of me.

  You ask me to forgive you for taking your life. It’s taken me a long time and a lot of therapy, but I will do this for you. I’ll do anything for you, but I need you to know that forgiving you isn’t a one-time event. I’d have to forgive you for every moment in my life that I’d want you there for, and since you’re my big sister, it’s going to be a lot of forgiveness. I’d have to forgive you when I graduate (and that’s a big accomplishment since school isn’t as easy for me as it is for you), on my wedding day, at the birth of my children, and every time I’d reach for the phone to talk about something with you. It would be millions of moments that would be robbed of complete happiness because you weren’t there.

  You tell me that there is nothing more I could have done, but that won’t stop my mind from trying to solve the puzzle. I would wonder, could I have tried harder? Listened more? Come home a little earlier? This would be the cancer you’d leave behind—the tiny seed of doubt that would grow roots and take hold in my mind and heart.

  Don’t give up, Maggie! I can’t promise you’ll always be at the top of the roller coaster, but I can promise that if you kill yourself you will be giving up any chance of rising above the misery of the bottom.

  It’s because I love you that I will try to forgive. I will try my hardest every day if your decision is to leave us, but that effort will be so much more exhausting than the effort it takes to sit beside you when you’re feeling low. The happy memories of you in my life will quickly be outnumbered by the days I’d feel a painful void without you.

  So what do you say, Maggie? Let’s strap ourselves into this roller coaster from hell and ride it until we’ve memorized the turns and conquered each drop in the track. Let’s ride it every day until we own it.

  I love you in this life and beyond,

  Gabe

  twenty-nine

  THE SKY IS dark above us as I close Gabe’s notebook and roll onto my back, hugging it tightly to me. “I think you’re braver than I am. Your letter is beautiful and somehow perfect, even in such a terrible situation. I think she’s asking too much of you when she wants you to be okay if she decides to kill herself. I’ve been thinking about Maggie a lot lately, and no matter how I look at it, I just can’t get to a place where I’d be able to tell her she could give up. I know I wouldn’t be able to do that for my sister if she asked.” I turn my face to him so I can look into those beautifully colored eyes of his.

  “I’ve looked at it from every angle I can think of,” he responds. “It’s not that I’d be okay based on some great understanding of her situation. My acceptance comes from having no other option. I can fight her on this, and I still will, but as I pulled up and saw the two of you running your miserable race, I realized I have absolutely no say in whether or not she ends her life.

  “I can talk to her about it, beg her, make the act itself difficult, but in the end she’ll make her choice with or without my support and maybe even in spite of it. My struggle to stop her became a reason for her wanting to do it. She is literally watching me become crazy with her illness and it’s killing her. You don’t think you could do it for your sister, but you might think differently if you were in my shoes.” He leans forward and presses a soft kiss to my forehead.

  The roar of an engine pierces the air again and we both look up at the bright lights of the plane streaking across the sky overhead. I rest my hand on his stomach and he immediately puts his warm palm on top of it. “My therapist told me the other day that one idea about heaven is that in that space we decide what we need to learn here on earth. We enter into contracts with other souls and then return here to carry out those heavenly contracts. I don’t know if I believe it, but there is something peaceful about the idea. Maybe Maggie and I are carrying out a contract of selflessness.” He draws in a deep breath and blows it out, giving my hand a few small pats. “Or maybe she’s my lesson in letting go.”

  I push myself up so I can give him a reassuring kiss on the cheek. “What’s our contract then?” I ask, letting my eyes f
all from his and trail slowly down his face.

  A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. He laces his fingers through mine and dips his face closer to me before whispering, “Unconditional love, of course.” His warm lips meet mine tentatively and I close my eyes, feeling his words seep into my skin. He loves me. I realize I love him too, and would love him until my heart was black and blue. There is something about the way he is with me—his little gestures, his perfectly crafted words—that has made me fall for him and continue to fall deeper than I ever thought possible. He fills my heart so completely it’s practically bursting and yet each day there is something more.

  “I kind of like that idea of life and death,” I muse. “It makes everything that feels so pointless here hold some sort of cosmic value. Brady dumped me and the world just kept spinning as if it didn’t even care that I was falling apart. Maybe it was something we had already worked out before we were even born. He was my lesson in letting go—”

  “And you were his lesson in not letting something good slip away. He might not see that yet, but I can. I’ve watched you heal—I’ve seen you lick your wounds and nurse them back to health, the layer of protection growing thicker with scar tissue. With his own actions against you, he’s given you armor against him. He’s created the scars that protect your heart from him.”

  “What if you decide one day that I’m not enough?” I hate to sound so needy, but it’s one wound I can’t seem to figure out how to treat. That fear lurks in the back of my mind no matter how much work I put into pushing it out. I pull my bottom lip between my teeth as I wait for his answer. His warm palm slides across my cheek, caressing my face and directing my gaze to his.