Our Broken Pieces

by Sarah White

  “That’s easy, Everly. You’ll always be enough.” I start to shake my head, but he laughs a little and holds me still. “But if someday I wake up insane enough to question that, I’ll remember that it was never about you or me, it’s about us. If it feels deficient, then we’ll just have to become more. Together.” I can’t help the small blush that warms my cheeks. I know he sees it when he rubs a thumb across the pink skin.

  I move up onto my elbow so I can look down at his face. I can see the honesty and the small crinkles of amusement around his eyes. My hair is falling down around us and he moves both hands into it, combing it with his fingers off our faces. That’s when the last little ache I feel for my life with Brady vanishes—shaken from my heart by the quick flutters Gabe causes. His smile falls for a minute as he watches my face. If I didn’t know better I would think he’d read that thought, snatching it right from my mind. His fingers tighten as he pulls my lips to his.

  My hand is twisted in his hoodie now and I breathe him in as our mouths softly dance together. I smile against his lips and he returns the gesture, brushing my hair back and holding it at the nape of my neck as his tongue slowly enters my mouth, seeking further connection.

  I feel myself shiver from the cool night air and of course from the way he gets my blood pumping. He chuckles and reaches into the far corner of the truck bed for another blanket that’s folded there. He shakes it out and pulls it over us as I kiss his neck and jaw. Once the blanket is settled, his hand slides up my side, gently wrapping around the curve of my ribs and pulling me against him. I slide my leg over his and feel the heat of his thigh between my legs.

  Another plane flies over us, heading off to some unknown destination, the only other company we have in this empty parking lot. Slowly Gabe pushes against me, guiding me onto my back beneath him. He settles between my legs, my knees bending to cradle him to me. It is delicate and smooth, the way our bodies move together, arching and reaching for what we need and connecting in a way that feels much deeper than just physical.

  I close my eyes at the scratch of his face against mine as he dips his chin and kisses my neck. I tip my head back and offer him more skin, pushing my fingers through his hair and holding him close. His hand slips beneath my shirt and runs up my back until his fingers are gripping my bra strap. He pulls his head away from me to look into my eyes and I can see the question in them. I nod my head and let my own fingers slip beneath the hem of his hoodie and shirt.

  The clasp is released and his hand unhurriedly moves to my chest, gently exploring. When my fingers grow more urgent, he lifts away quickly and tugs both his shirt and hoodie over his head. His skin is hot beneath them and I run my hands down the hard plane of his chest and then lower, to his clenched stomach muscles. He takes a second to look around before exposing my skin. The cool night air makes goose bumps rush across my skin, but he answers the cool caress with his own heat as he covers my body protectively with his. His lips move determinedly toward my ear and the small sensitive spot just below my lobe.

  His hand slides down my side, over my hip, and to my zipper. The next few minutes are a dance of soft kisses and gentle touches. The items keeping us apart removed one at a time. He moves his body to my side and turns me, tucking himself behind me so that he can hold me close.

  His lips are on the back of my neck, his hands twisting my hair out of his way. I feel heat in the wake of the trail he is kissing along my spine. Gabe reaches for the blanket and pulls it over our heads, creating a small pocket of space in which we can be together in our own little world, unseen.

  I should be anxious but I’m not. I should be overthinking every step I’m taking getting closer to this amazing guy, but it’s impossible when all I can think about is how incredible it feels to be accepted for every part of who I am. And maybe being under this blanket in the back of his truck isn’t really protecting us from the weight of the outside world, but for tonight, it’s enough—we’re enough.

  thirty

  GABE HELD ME close until it was time for me to go home. It seemed like I was floating, resting in the peace that comes from being held by someone strong and honest. He kissed my lips lovingly before tucking me into my car and telling me he wouldn’t be at school tomorrow. He told me he was working on something with his dad, and I didn’t question him about it. He might need a few more days to get his life back to where it was before Maggie returned to the hospital.

  I’m wide awake now, my heart still beating rapidly from the excitement of spending time with Gabe. I’m happy again and I know that there are risks in any relationship, but I’m starting to trust Gabe with my heart. I’m looking forward to my next appointment with Laura so I can share with her all the progress I’ve made this past week. I also want to ask her for some insight into what living with bipolar disorder might be like and if there is any way I can be helpful to Maggie.

  When I get home I head up to my room to work on a few assignments that are due next week. Even though I’m trying to focus on the work in front of me, thoughts are swirling around in my head, and instead of pushing them away or trying to avoid them, I take a minute to consider them so I can use the tools I’ve learned for facing my anxiety head on. I’m jotting down my questions for Laura and working out some of my fears and negative thoughts with the technique she taught me.

  Situation: Gabe loves me.

  Feelings: Joy, elation, fear, anxiety

  Unhelpful Thoughts: He doesn’t know me very well yet and when he does, I won’t be enough.

  Alternative Thoughts: He doesn’t know all of me but he loves me already. Laura says the second time falling in love is even easier since I already know how to build a relationship and express my wants and needs.

  I feel tears pooling in my eyes when I write the next alternative thought that I never believed would sound true: I am okay on my own and will survive no matter what.

  The rest of the night before I fall asleep I go over what I’ll be announcing at the rally tomorrow. I’m nervous about speaking in front of the entire student body, but the anxiety I have felt at the last few rallies was far less than at the beginning of the school year. It’s another intense area of my life I have faced head on and conquered. I think about my goal to ask someone to prom by Monday. I haven’t let Laura down yet, but the window to invite Gabe is rapidly closing, and I still haven’t found the courage to bring it up. If he wanted to go wouldn’t he have already invited me? Asking Gabe to prom would be the first time I’ve ever asked a boy out, and I’m not sure if I would be able to say the right things when I’m alone with him and my nerves.

  I text him as I slip into my bed for the night, mustering everything I have to set up a time to ask if he’ll escort me to prom.

  ME: I miss you already. Can you meet up tomorrow evening?

  His response doesn’t come right away and I lie in my bed reflecting back on how everything between us started. I’ve come so far in the past month, and the overwhelming feeling of gratitude warms my chest and brings a lump to my throat. Gabe has been the light shining down brightly on the place I’m standing, allowing me to see that while the path I was on with Brady has come to an end, there are so many other new and exciting paths I could travel.

  GABE: I miss you, too. I’m still working on that thing with my dad. I’d love to get together tomorrow evening. I’d like to take you to dinner and a movie if you’re up for it.

  ME: Sure. That sounds fun. See you tomorrow.

  I don’t have the courage to ask him in an over-the-top promposal, even though lately I’d have to admit the idea of a big romantic invitation is sounding better and better. I close my eyes and start to drift off to sleep, planning the route I’ll take in the morning after lacing up my running shoes. Bit by bit my old life is coming back to me.

  Now it’s Friday morning and I’m regretting pushing myself so hard running this morning. It felt so good to have my energy back and to clear my mind while pounding the pavement, but now I’m definitely feeling the consequences
of my enthusiasm. My feet protest being thrust at an unhealthy angle into my four-inch heels, and I wobble for a minute before remembering how to walk elegantly in them instead of like a baby calf.

  Rosie’s dress fits me a little snugger than I’m used to, but I still wasn’t about to ask my parents to buy me a dress for a thirty-minute rally. The sleek, bright-blue fabric hugs every curve, dipping low in the front and again in the back, requiring a very uncomfortable bra that feels like it isn’t doing much in the way of support. The sequins along the bodice catch the light and cast a twinkling show on the wall around me. I smile with the recognition that the pink tile in this bathroom might not be so dreadful after all. The giggles and excited conversations of the other female members of the student council getting ready around me add to warm feelings of happiness. “Come here, Everly!” Angie squeals as she holds up her phone.

  “How many more selfies are you going to take?” I tease, putting my arm around her shoulders and making a face as she takes the picture.

  “Just a few more. I can’t believe our senior year is almost over,” she says, scrolling through the last few photos she took. I peek over her shoulder to see the pictures of us buying the tricycles for the tricycle race and then a large group shot of all the seniors who dressed up for our Seriously Seniors day. “I can’t believe we are pulling this off,” she says with a sigh.

  “It’s amazing, isn’t it?”

  A few of the other girls crowd in to watch as Angie swipes through her album. “I think the tricycle race was my favorite,” she says as a picture of Garrett Smith, a linebacker on the football team, tucked onto the tiny trike flashes on the screen. We all giggle with the memory of his head-to-toe riding gear complete with a helmet and motorcycle boots. When the pictures come to a stop, Angie turns and gives me a big hug. “I’m going to miss doing this with you.”

  “I’m going to miss it too. You have to be in student government at USC,” I tell her as I move back over to the mirror hanging above the sinks.

  “I’m looking forward to it,” she answers, “and I hope you consider it at UCLA. You’ve done a great job this year. We were a good team.” She moves beside me to look in the mirror.

  My makeup is a little more dramatic than usual, but I didn’t go overboard since I’ll have to continue wearing it for the rest of the school day. I’ve twisted my hair in a Hollywood roll at the nape of my neck and secured a few curls along the top. I brush my bangs to the side, out of my eyes, and pucker my already tinted lips so I can apply a faint hint of gloss. Standing back, I take a long look in the mirror, scrutinizing my reflection. The blotchy remnants of shed tears have long since left my face and I no longer have dark circles beneath my eyes. Instead, they stare back at me brightly, a hint of excitement reflected in them.

  In twenty minutes the bell will ring and the students will begin to file into our large gym and pack themselves into the bleachers. With my dress on and my makeup finished, I leave the bathroom and head over to the gym. I stayed up late last night making sure I had memorized all the important information I’m supposed to announce today. The only thing that will be a surprise to me is who won the free limo ride, because it’s tradition that only the teachers know until the moment it is revealed to all students. There is nothing else left to do on my end, so I direct a few of the underclassmen in securing the balloons.

  A pair of slender arms wrap around me from behind, and my sister kisses my cheek. The cheer squad will be performing a routine and she looks absolutely beautiful in her crisp uniform. “You look so stunning!” she screeches into my ear, and I spin around and hug her. The bell sounds in the gym and she pulls away, blowing me a kiss as she returns to the squad at the front of the room.

  I’m used to being anxious before the rallies start, but today there is the added pressure of not tripping over my heels. I take my place at the podium and watch as the student body pushes through the doorway and spills into the bleachers. The music is playing now and a few students are dancing and clapping in their seats as they wait for the rally to start. I can’t help but smile at the wave of excitement that warms me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I even let free the giggle that has pushed its way up my throat. I’m doing this. I’m standing up here for the prom rally and my heart is not breaking. The acknowledgment of victory is sweet.

  With a nod from the activities director, I switch on my microphone and welcome the students. “Hello, everyone! I hope you’re all ready to get pumped up for prom.” I wait for the enthusiastic roar of the students to die down before continuing. As I scan the crowd of students, my eyes land on Brady. He no longer makes my heart pound or even hurt. I smile at him and he smiles back. We survived this. I’ve grown and changed in so many ways. I’m free. I let my eyes take in the happy crowd once more before introducing the events of today.

  “We’re going to start by announcing the winner of the free limo ride. We saw a lot of epic invitations these last few weeks, and I know everyone is anxious to find out who took this year’s title.” People shout out the names of their favorites as Brett, the secretary of music and our drum major, steps forward in his suit and taps his drumsticks on the old wooden podium, creating a drumroll.

  We wanted to do things a little differently this year, and the plan is that when I turn around and point to the large white screen, the names of the winners will appear. I wait for the screaming and chanting to build, and when the noise is almost deafening I turn around and point. To my surprise, the lights shut down, casting the entire gym in darkness.

  My heart races as I silently pray for the tech to fix the problem before the students become restless. When I look to Angie for reassurance, she smiles and points above her to the big screen, drawing my eyes back to it just as the image of a toy truck constructed out of Legos appears. I feel my brows draw together as it dawns on me that the truck looks remarkably like Gabe’s. I watch in awe as a small Lego plane takes off over the truck and the sound of a jet engine echoes through the gym as a soundtrack to the movie.

  A Lego man beckons the viewer forward before the camera pans wider, allowing another small Lego figure to be seen. I know it’s supposed to be me immediately, and I cover my mouth with my hands, tears welling up in my eyes. The unmistakable sound of Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” begins to play as the boy figure takes the plastic hand of the girl’s, leading her to the edge of the screen, where a large staircase of toy bricks rises into the sky.

  The little man releases her hand and takes a few steps upward, turning and beckoning her to follow. She shakes her head, but takes one small step closer to the first stair. With this, the little man lifts his eyebrows up and down, causing laughter to break out around me. I’d almost forgotten I wasn’t the only person watching. Still, I can’t take my eyes off the colorful images projected on the screen. Finally the female figure takes a few steps upward, pausing on the step below the man. A line from the song mentions people falling in love with just the touch of a hand, and the boy figure reaches out and grasps the girl’s, pulling her up beside him and dipping her back in time with the music. A collective sigh emanates from the female audience members and my lips twitch with the need to laugh and cry all at once.

  As I stand there watching this amazing testament to what we’ve done together, I know that not one other person in the audience will understand exactly what Gabe is showing me in this video. I have no idea how he’s managed to pull it off, but if he never does another thing for me, this will be enough. The song urges the woman to take the man into her arms and kiss him under the stars as the tiny Gabe figure walks beside the tiny Everly, hand in hand, and they make their way to the top of the stairs. When they reach the last step he sweeps her off her feet and into his arms. I can’t fight it any longer and a hot tear slips quickly down my cheek as I watch the toys jump from the highest step in each other’s arms. The screen goes black and the lights in the gym come on one panel at a time as Gabe appears just inside the front doors of the room.

&n
bsp; I stand motionless as he smiles shyly at me. He’s wearing a tux and carrying a bouquet of multiple colors, orange and brown notably absent. When he reaches me, he takes the microphone from my hand and kisses me quickly on the cheek. My legs feel weak beneath me and I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him how much this has meant to me. He takes a step back and drops to a knee, handing me the bouquet and then reaching for my free hand to hold in his.

  The entire gym erupts in cheers, and my chest shakes with laughter and pure joy as he clears his throat and waits for everyone to settle down. Within a few seconds the gym is silent, everyone waiting on his words as he looks up at me with those amazing eyes.

  “Once upon a time I finally got to talk to my crush, the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, in the most unlikely of places. She was trying to find herself again and needed to convince her heart that it still mattered. And I had to let go of the expectations that only I could save someone in order to hold on to this amazing girl with both arms. Now we’ve reached the part of our story where she has to decide which way it will go from here. So tell me, beautiful girl, will you go to prom with me and let this story end happily Everly after?”

  I nod my head and the noise of the crowd rising to their feet and cheering drowns out the answer as it leaves my mouth. Gabe stands up and I wrap my arms around him as he scoops me up and off my feet. I rain kisses all over him, the joy of this moment almost overwhelming. I move my lips to his ear and tell him the words I was afraid I’d never be strong enough to say again: “I love you, Gabe.”

  acknowledgments

  IT WOULD BE impossible to include everyone who played a part in making this story come to life. Over the years so many stories have touched my heart, and so many tears have been shed in my office over broken hearts, inescapable roller coasters, unrequited love, and, of course, loss. While always personal, sometimes the pain felt was universal. If you have ever trusted me to hear your story as a friend or therapist, thank you.