the boys i've loved & the end of the world

by Catarine Hancock

  “and what,” he murmured, “did it mean?”

  “it meant,” she said simply, “that it’s time to give up on you. i don’t think you really want me around anymore, now that i’m not in love with you. i’m not a pretty girl you can show off to boost your ego. i never was. i was more than that, or at least i was supposed to be. i deserved more. and i got it. after all this time, i got it. and just because that hurts your fucking feelings,” she pointed her finger at his face, her eyes sparked with anger, “doesn’t meant i’m going to throw it all away. so i’m giving up on you, finally. i’m sorry that i wasn’t worth your time until i didn’t want it anymore.”

  -c.h.

  reincarnate

  i think in our previous lives, we’ve always been in love with

  each other, estranged and held apart by a thin thread.

  you were the king’s son and i was a peasant girl.

  i was an aristocrat and you worked in the stables.

  i was in love with somebody else.

  you were in love with somebody else.

  the first time we met, the world must have stopped in its tracks.

  because when i first saw you in this lifetime, i felt everything

  freeze.

  we have always loved each other from afar, each lifetime

  drawing us closer and closer.

  the first time, you accepted a flower from me when you were

  riding through my village. you rode through it often, and one

  time you stopped, got down from your carriage, and spoke to

  me. but you were soon married to a princess, just like all

  princes were.

  the second time, you helped me learn how to ride and take care

  of my horse. sometimes our hands would brush when we

  groomed him together. you were my confidant. my friend. we

  never once told each other what we really felt.

  the third time, you were my neighbor, my best friend, and one

  night you kissed me during a game of hide and seek. “i love

  you,” you’d said to me, and for a second i loved you too. but a

  few weeks later i started dating somebody else. that summer,

  you moved away. in that lifetime, i broke your heart.

  the fourth time, we had each other, for a while. our families

  vacationed by the same lake. you didn’t tell me you had a

  girlfriend until you had seen everything i had to offer you. you

  watched me cry in front of you. your family left the next day. in

  that lifetime, you broke mine.

  our souls knew each other before we did. they found each other

  from across the room and pulled us together. “it’s you,” they

  said to one another, “i’m so glad it’s you. maybe we can get it

  right this time.” and then it began, again.

  this time, we could have made it if we had had the strength.

  the courage. but i was afraid and your heart wasn’t there.

  eventually, mine wandered too. we drifted, our souls still

  reaching out for each other even though our hands no longer

  were.

  but this time, we knew.

  this time, we told each other.

  this time, we fought.

  in this lifetime, there wasn’t an issue of who broke who.

  in this lifetime, we merely broke each other.

  i know it’s heartbreaking to think we never got a real chance.

  your sobs ring as loud in my ears now as they did the day we

  shattered,

  and they haunt me.

  our time in this life together is over. we lost this round.

  but each lifetime, we inch closer and closer.

  and in my heart, i hope.

  my soul, it longs for you still.

  it has picked itself out of the rubble of yet another failure and

  pieced itself back together.

  my soul, it knows.

  “i will find you again,” it whispers into the cosmos,

  “there are many lifetimes to come.”

  from across the world, your soul returns,

  “we will get our chance yet.”

  -c.h.

  among the gray

  i watch our story on rewind

  in black and white.

  sometimes i wish i could

  see the blue of your irises

  but i don't think i'll ever be able

  to picture us in color again.

  i don't love you anymore,

  i know better than that now,

  but i still find myself writing about you

  late at night when i forget how to breathe

  and it's like,

  how do i learn to breathe again

  without it being because of you?

  i traded a kind love for a powerful love,

  and you gave me it--

  i still find traces of you in every damn thing,

  the backseat of a car and the booth of a restaurant,

  i guess in a way we’re lasting like we said we would,

  and you know,

  i think about you on friday nights

  when my friends are out drinking and i'm sitting at home

  writing this stupid fucking book about you

  because for some reason i can still trace the shape of your mouth with my finger in the mirror, even now,

  and i don't think i love you anymore

  because it's not that i miss you, it's not that i want you back,

  it's just that i still have to justify why i’m always looking for

  skeletons in their closet, i still leave the door open because

  i don't want to make their awaited exit any more painful,

  and the thing is, the reason why i can't stop writing about you,

  is that despite the cracks in my cheeks and the way my hands shake

  when i touch his chest, how i can't seem to stop looking over my shoulder,

  i still don't regret a single fucking thing.

  -c.h.

  a year in review

  december 31st, 2015, 10:23 pm: i saw you for the first time. you were talking to a girl and i could tell that you were capturing her with every syllable that left your mouth. and i knew why: you were beautiful and bright, and i was drawn to you even then, like the planets are drawn to the sun.

  december 31st, 2015, 11:58 pm: we met standing in line for the bathroom. you introduced yourself, and asked for my name, smiling when i gave it. “lovely,” you murmured, and repeated it a few more times, rolling the letters around in your mouth like a new food.

  january 1st, 2016, 12:05 am: i could still feel you on me, your lips, minutes, hours, months later. the clock had struck midnight and you just grabbed me, didn’t ask if it was okay until it was over. you were laughing, brushing it off, all teeth and well-kissed lips, but i knew i saw you blushing.

  january 21st, 2016, 1:12 pm: you got my number through the mutual friend that threw the party. i still don’t know how you got my address. i didn’t remember telling you. you couldn’t tell me, either.

  february 14th, 2016, 9:12 pm: you took me out to dinner and bought me chocolate and roses. it was all so cliché, and i loved every second of it. when you kissed me good night, i swore i could feel the rest of my life, pressed right up against my lips.

  february 26th, 2016, 11:33 pm: we made it official. i remember how you asked me, how shy you got, like you didn’t know what the answer would be.

  march 17th, 2016, 5:43 pm: we spent the day at the saint patrick’s day parade, and you filled yourself with beer and kissed me hard against the bar bathroom door. i drove you home and that was the first time you told me you loved me.

  march 18th, 2016, 9:24 am: you called me and told me you loved me again. “i want to make sure that you know i still mean it when i’m sober,” you said.

  march 24th, 2016, 1:09 pm: i met your parents at easter brun
ch. you had demanded i come with you, and i was glad i did. your mother was kind and beautiful, and your father was warm and handsome, just like i knew they’d be. after we’d eaten, your mother got me alone. “he’s never brought a girl home before,” she told me, “normally he isn’t very open about who he’s dating. but you, you’re different. don’t read into this, but i think he may really think you’re special.”

  april 12th, 2016, 8:31 pm: you saw me naked for the first time, and you kissed every inch of my skin. i’d never felt that much love from anybody before that night, and i haven’t since. not even you could replicate those few hours.

  may 5th, 2016, 4:57 pm: we fought for the first time. i ran into my ex at the grocery store and wanted to chat for a few minutes. you didn’t. when we got in the car, you told me that if i was still in love with somebody else i could just leave, and i told you that you should trust me and not be so insecure about our relationship. we screamed the whole way home and you slammed the car door when i dropped you off. i almost crashed three times on the drive home.

  may 6th, 2016, 8:03 am: you came by with flowers and breakfast. “i’m sorry,” you told me, “you just mean so much to me, and the thought of you ever being anyone else’s makes me sick.” i smiled, “but you don’t have to worry about that now. i’m yours.”

  june 16th, 2016, 10:51 pm: for my birthday, you took me out to dinner and gave me a beautiful necklace with a silver chain and pearl pendant. we drank expensive wine and stumbled back to my place and fucked. i had never been fucked before, not like this. i woke up the next morning with bite marks on my neck and hickeys all the way down my stomach, but you were gone. “had to run,” you’d written on a post it note, “i love you.”

  june 18th, 2016, 2: 41 pm: i hadn’t seen you since my birthday and you weren’t picking up when i’d call.

  june 19th, 2016, 3:13 am: “had to run,” the post it note had said. maybe you were running from me. i couldn’t tell if it was the 3 am darkness talking or the part of me that already knew.

  july 1st, 2016, 4:01 am: i looked over at you, sleeping in the darkness beside me. when we were together, things felt perfectly normal. but now, i could feel the shifts. “are we falling apart?” i whispered to you, and although i hadn’t expected an answer, the silence broke my heart all the same.

  july 4th, 2016, 6:47 pm: we were at a barbecue and i saw you across the crowd, talking to a girl. i saw the way she was drinking up every word that escaped from between your lips, and that’s when i knew. that’s when i knew you weren’t mine anymore.

  july 21st, 2016, 7:08 pm: i brought it up to you. “i think we’re starting to grow apart,” i said, “there’s a distance between us that wasn’t here before.” you reassured me that it was all in my head, but i didn’t hear it in your voice. i didn’t see it in your eyes. you knew it was there, too, but unlike me, you weren’t trying to do anything to stop it.

  august 10th, 2016, 11:37 pm: i lay awake and thought about what your mother said, all these months later. “don’t read into this.” but of course i did. i couldn’t help myself. fuck, i loved you so much.

  august 15th, 2016, 1:12 pm: you invited me over and i discovered that the key you’d given me no longer worked. “i had the locks changed,” you said, “i’ll get you a new one.” it was a lie, and i knew it. you didn’t get me a new key.

  september 8th, 2016, 2:00 pm: i caught you cheating. in a desperate attempt to revive the romance we’d had at the beginning of our relationship, i bought dinner and brought it to your place. when you finally opened the door, i saw it written all over your face; the way your eyes widened, the way your jaw dropped, the way your cheeks drained of color. i heard it in the stammer of your voice, the sharp intake of your breath, the grinding of your teeth. when the girl walked up behind you, half naked, asking who it was at the door, i already knew. “how could you?” i whispered, and you just opened and closed your mouth. the girl pieced it together and started screaming. she hadn’t known. i left the food at the doorstep.

  september 10th, 2016, 1:49 am: you never called after that, never came by, never reached out, but it wasn’t like we’d needed to confirm anything. i knew it was over, but it took every ounce of willpower i had not to go back to your place and find out why, why everything.

  september 27th, 2016, 6:20 pm: i kept finding myself huddled in a ball; in my bedroom, in my kitchen, in my shower. not crying, or yelling. just huddled, clutching my body close to myself, staring. still not understanding.

  october 31st 2016, 9:01 pm: i spent halloween haunted by the ghost of you. your face was around every corner. i could still feel your touch trickling down my spine. that night, i lost it. the anger surged through the sadness and bubbled to the surface. i screamed until my throat was raw, screamed at nothing, about nothing, for no reason other than i was too full.

  november 10th, 2016, 2:17 am: you called me when you were drunk and i answered. i listened to you ramble, vomiting up apology after apology. near the end, you told me you loved me. “call me tomorrow when you’re sober if you still love me,” i said. you didn’t.

  november 25th, 2016, 7:15 pm: i went out on a date with somebody new. they didn’t pull me in like you did, but for a few hours, i forgot about you and i felt okay. i drank myself to sleep that night so i wouldn’t have to think about you. the next morning, the hangover hurt more than you did. it was a start.

  december 24th, 2016, 8:12 pm: i was spending christmas with my family, and i was doing great until my aunt asked about you. i told her you cheated, but i was doing okay, and then i excused myself and threw up the appetizers into the toilet. i called you then, and when you picked up, i let out a sob. “you ruined me, you fuck,” i croaked, “and you can’t even apologize. not when you’re sober, at least.” there were a few seconds of silence, and then you hung up. i still hope that it ruined your christmas.

  december 31st, 2016, 10:23 pm: i saw you for the first time in months across the crowd. it made me sick to know that even after all that had happened, you were still the most beautiful person in the room to me.

  december 31st, 2016, 11:55 pm: you found me in the kitchen. “i wanted to tell you i’m sorry,” you yelled over the music, “and i miss you.” and in those final moments of the year, i thought about it. i thought about letting you back in. the countdown started, and you moved closer to me. and i.. i pushed you away. i turned away from you and said, “no. i can’t.” and i walked out of the room.

  january 1st, 2017, 12:05 am: i have forgotten how you felt against me, your lips. and for the first time, i am finally okay with that.

  -c.h.

  the train is coming

  so i kiss you

  goodbye at the

  station

  some things

  are not meant to last

  forever

  i leave you

  because i

  have to

  i leave you

  like i was

  always meant

  to go.

  -c.h.

  now that we've reached the end

  i hope you know that

  you are the only one

  i will never write

  sad love poetry

  about

  because when we ended

  my heart was more whole

  than it had been

  in the beginning

  -c.h.

  and until we meet again

  i stand here at the precipice.

  i do not want to be one who looks back at high school

  as if they were the best times of my life.

  the best, for me, has yet to come.

  but the best times of my life so far have often happened within

  the white-bricked walls of your classroom.

  sicut erat--

  since the beginning.

  since the beginning of music there have been people like you,

  people who love and cherish every note, every syllable.

  i have always wanted to be one of the
masters,

  and these last four years i have been learning from the best.

  i stand here at the precipice.

  the world awaits me.

  the music of my future is calling.

  i look back upon the music of my past,

  and you.

  go, you say. go and make the best

  of this messed up world.

  thank you, i reply.

  thank you for reminding me i have a voice

  on the days where i could barely make a sound.

  -c.h.

  the boys i've loved and the end of the world, epilogue

  i wonder if they will all be here, the boys i’ve loved, wherever

  we are now.

  i wonder if i will see the first. he took so much from me that i

  will never give back. but he gave me so much too; things i will

  never get from anyone else. a first love. my heart, broken for