Dying to Live

by Roxy De Winter

  When the truck got moving, the man was the first to fall away. The woman had pushed too far into the window for him to reach more than a hand through. He ran along behind the truck, though. The other three chased along with him. The woman hung in there, her legs dragged along on the road and her hands scrabbled around as she tried to pull her body through the window.

  “Ah fuck you, lady,” Doug spat. He jerked hard on the steering wheel first left and then right. The woman fell back a little but clutched tirelessly onto the window frame. This time Doug turned the steering wheel and skidded the truck around in a full U-turn. The woman let go and fell off completely. Doug’s eyes gleamed with vengeful satisfaction. He straightened out the vehicle and accelerated again, ploughing straight into the men that were giving chase. They still made no effort to jump out of the way and he hit them head on. The first man’s head cracked off the windscreen and he span off to the side of the road. Doug swore loudly at the mess of blood and cracked glass, and then he felt his vehicle rock as two of the others were crushed under the wheels. The last, a black middle aged looking man, ran straight into the truck, rolled over the windshield, right over the roof and into bed of the truck.

  Doug jammed on the breaks. He grabbed up his gun again and without hesitating turned and shot through the back window at the man, who was just finding his feet. It must have hit him because he staggered and toppled over the side of the truck and into the dirt. Doug tossed the gun back onto the passenger seat, spun his truck back around and sped off.

  “Fuck!” Doug yelled, slamming his hands on the steering wheel. After a minute, he yelled again. “Shit! What the hell was that?” Doug couldn’t work out what could possibly have made them all lose their minds together?

  He sped as fast as his truck would allow through the rest of town, and didn’t stop again regardless of what else he saw. There were others who chased him, but he pretended not to see. After a while he tried to distract himself by turning on his radio. None of the stations worked, but on the other frequency he picked up the same message he had heard back home. As he flicked through, he found another person broadcasting.

  “It is the end times! People, I urge you to find God. Pray for Jesus Christ to save your soul. Zechariah 14:12 reads: ‘and this shall be the plague with which the lord will strike all the peoples that wage war against Jerusalem: their flesh will rot while they are standing on their feet, their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongues will rot in their mouths.’ We have already witnessed the dead coming back to life as the bible prophesized! These are the living dead and this is the curse that is sent to cleanse the world of sinners. This is our punishment!’

  Doug’s mind boggled. He had never been particularly religious, and after his second divorce he had abandoned any pretence that he was. He picked the radio’s mouth piece up from its cradle.

  “Hey, anyone hear me?” Doug spoke into it. The response was quick.

  “Loud and clear. Are you a man of God?” It was the same voice that had quoted Zechariah.

  “No, and I ain’t chatting so that you can try and convert me,” Doug answered. “I just wanna know what you know. I just had a mob of crazy S-O-B’s attack my truck. Did’n speak, or get out of the damn road, did’n flinch when I ran ‘em down neither. What is this? And spare me the whole bible, chapter line and verse.”

  This response was a little slower in coming back to him.

  “Sir, they were already dead. God has sent demons to plague us. The people that they attack... they die, and then resurrect as demons themselves. They eat each other. It is the most blasphemous insult to life and the body of Christ. Isaiah 26:19-20 ‘Your dead shall live; their bodies shall rise. You who dwell in the dust, awake and sing for joy! For your dew is a dew of light. And the earth will give birth to the dead. Come, my people, enter your chambers, and shut your doors behind you; hide yourselves for a little while until the fury has passed by.’”

  Doug rolled his eyes. “I said without the line and verse. This ain’t yer God’s doing. That other radio message, it’s coming from the middle of the Nevada desert, right where that big ol’ military base is. If you can’t work out that the dang government started this whole thing, then yer as dumb as yer god damned walking dead.”

  When Doug had said his piece he put down the mouthpiece and switched off the radio, before another response could find its way back to him.

  When he drew his eyes away from the radio and back up to the road, it was too late. He hadn’t seen it at first through the blood and broken glass, but the full width of the road ahead was blocked. He drove right into the scene of an accident. The hood of a red car was wrapped around a fallen telegraph pole. The pole dinted into the top of a crashed lorry, which sprawled across the rest of the road. Doug hit the breaks in his truck, but he was going much too fast to stop in time. He swung on the steering wheel but the truck turned too slowly. The driver’s side of his truck slammed into the side of the lorry. Doug didn’t believe in seatbelts, and as a consequence his whole body leap sideways. His neck snapped violently and his head slammed through the open window and collided with the lorry, before bouncing back as the truck lurched away again.

  When the scene jolted to a standstill, blood was trickling from between Doug’s lips and his head lolled to the side. More blood was flowing from a gash in his forehead that exposed the bone underneath and dented his head grotesquely. Doug was dead on impact. But that didn’t stop him from being devoured by the gleeful demons that caught up with his wrecked truck.

  15.

  ‘We all grieved. Mainly we did it as a family. We kept to ourselves on the RV for a few days after Lanie, Nanny and Kenco left us. The others were affected too. Frank and Xin in particular mourned for Dr Yuan and it hit them hard. We all had evening meals together but we didn’t really talk much. Xin was ploughing through all of the files on the USB drive, but she was struggling to make sense of it all. In the following week there wasn’t much that any of us could do except process our losses, monitor the zombies and keep an eye out for survivors heading our way. It turned out that our next ‘visitor’ wouldn’t be exactly what we expected.’

  “I think I’ll be able to tell you everything that I’ve been able to ascertain from those files by tomorrow,” Xin stated over supper that night. Her face was drawn and tired, her eyes bleary from nights of broken sleep and days of coffee fuelled reading. She didn’t look hopeful when she told them. In fact on the contrary, she looked somewhat defeated. “It’s been hard going. There are so many code names and parts have been purposefully written in a way that an outsider will struggle to figure out.”

  “It’s not good news then?” Pete asked her.

  “What a change that will make,” Frank said sarcastically. He was sat in an armchair and no longer needed the box that his feet were propped up on. “First I fuck my ankle up, and then just as that’s getting better and the news is starting to show some semblance of truth, the TV channels stop broadcasting. You know it won’t be much longer before the water and electricity stops, don’t you?” He’d been beginning to worry about it a lot recently. The TV stations had been beginning to talk about body counts and the failed evacuation. Before they had vanished from the screen, there had even been mention of how widespread it was becoming. But if the news studios now sat abandoned, then power and water plants would surely be next and Frank had no idea how long those things could be left unmanned, if at all.

  “Thank you for that, Frank. We all need a little more worry in our lives,” Fiona snapped.

  “No, but he’s right,” Pete frowned. “Once we know where we stand, we can discuss how to move forward. Whether we stay here or move on.”

  “It may be a difficult choice to make,” Xin sighed. ”There is one thing that is clear from what I’ve read so far. The buildings they worked in up there, the ones that relate to the undead and what they did to them, they have a security measure for instances like this. They ‘cleanse’ them... with fire. There will be nothing left u
p there.”

  “So, we’ll need to move on from here at some point regardless?” Lucy asked.

  “Well, that’s why it’s not so straight forward,” Xin said. She put down the fork she had been pushing aimlessly around a plate of food in her lap. She had little to no desire to eat these days. “There are still a lot of resources in the other departments here. Resources we wouldn’t have access to anywhere else. If we did move on, we would have trouble finding somewhere else that was this well equipped for all of our potential needs.”

  “So, we’re still looking into a cure then?” Zack piped up.

  Xin’s brow furrowed with frustration. She couldn’t go into it without having to explain everything that she’d read, but she wasn’t ready yet. She was tired and still had some last minute bits she needed to clarify. She wanted to know that she had it all straight in her own head before she attempted to get it all out in words for the others. Loss still weighed heavily on her shoulders and Xin couldn’t recall a time where she had felt quite as stressed as she did in that moment. She rubbed her forehead with both hands. “Again, it’s not that straight forward. Possibly, to some extent... It could be that...” She groaned. “I don’t know,” Xin replied. She hastily brought her hands down from her forehead to her eyes so that nobody would see the tears that sprang there. It was proving to be a difficult task for her without Bao. She missed him greatly and still felt a stab of guilt whenever she considered her last words with him.

  “Xin?” Lucy asked tentatively, putting her own fork down. She could see Xin’s shoulders shaking with silent sobs. “C’mon, come outside with me for a second, Honey. You’ve been cooped up in here for days now, you need some air.”

  Lucy got up and took Xin’s plate from her lap. Along with her own, she took it over to the kitchen counter and set them down. When she returned to the armchair that Xin was sat in, Xin allowed Lucy to guide her up and then outside into the cooling evening air. After Lucy had shut the door behind them, Xin gave in to her tears.

  “Hey, come on now,” Lucy soothed, rushing to put her arm around her. “It’ll all be okay.” She stroked Xin’s hair and reassured her as she sniffed wetly.

  “I’m sorry... I’m sorry,” Xin stuttered, as she tried to compose herself. ”It’s just... so m...much to take on, and without... Bao.” Her voice cracked upon saying his name and she fought hard not to burst into fresh sobs.

  “Here,” Lucy said, pulling a tattered and crumpled cigarette packet from her pocket. “I’ve been saving these, since I quit, for a time when the stress got too much. I’d say that time is now.” She flipped open the almost empty packet and pulled out a cigarette, before offering one to Xin.

  “I don’t...” Xin began to explain.

  “You don’t smoke, I know,” Lucy chuckled. “I find it’s quite calming, though. Besides, in a world full of zombies, cancer is the least of our problems. We could all die tomorrow if things go badly. If cancer gets us thirty years from now then we’ve been very lucky.”

  “I guess so,” Xin said. Feeling reckless, she took one. “What the hell.”

  Lucy lit their cigarettes with an old lighter that took a few clicks to work. Xin spluttered with the first breath she inhaled, but after the second she felt a kind of rush go through her system. For a moment she was light headed, but when it passed she found that the measured breaths she took and the smoke she inhaled did seem to relax her.

  Lucy closed her eyes when she drew in her first puff and let it out in a great sigh of appreciation.

  “Three whole months since my last smoke... At least, it was. I guess I’ve lost track of how long we’ve been living like this. It could be closer to four months now,” Lucy told her.

  “I don’t think it’s been a full month, has it?” Xin asked. “It seems only yesterday that Bao...” She’d meant to say since Bao had first told her not to carry on with her journey to America. When she thought about it though, it actually seemed a long time ago, and thinking of Bao as the man she knew before America hurt her deep inside. She didn’t finish the sentence.

  “You miss him a lot, don’t you? Were you close?” Lucy asked, examining Xin’s face and watching as she inexpertly flicked ash from the smouldering white stick clutched between her shaking fingers.

  “He was a mentor to me. He taught me a lot of what I know. I suppose in a way I loved him more than I knew.” Xin avoided Lucy’s eyes as she spoke, hoping she wouldn’t cry again.

  “Did you two ever...?” Lucy thought better of what she was asking and said quickly, “Sorry, never mind.”

  “No, it’s fine. We never saw each other romantically. He was more like a father figure. Although, I feel like our families would have approved of the match.” With this Xin managed a small chuckle. “I just feel so bad for snapping at him the last time we spoke.”

  “He would have understood, Xin,” Lucy said, putting a hand on Xin’s shoulder. “It was a tough job and we all felt the pressure. Besides, he knew that he had a way of frustrating people just with how he spoke.”

  “I know that you’re right.” Xin smiled at Lucy. “How’s Frank dealing with it? It shook him up pretty badly too, didn’t it?”

  Lucy inhaled on the cigarette again. “Yeah, it did. I think that after flying him here and then when he got used to the old guy, that he was actually quite fond of him.”

  “...And you’re quite fond of Frank?” Xin smiled tentatively.

  Lucy laughed in response, an earnest and genuine laugh. “Yeah, I guess I am. And you’re quite fond of Pete.” Lucy wasn’t asking, it was just a statement.

  Xin blushed but managed to laugh with her. “I suppose I am.”

  “Come on,” Lucy said, still chuckling as she crushed out the cigarette. “Let’s get back inside.” As an afterthought she added, “Oh, and we must get round to that hair cut I promised you.”

  “I’d forgotten about that,” Xin nodded, then stubbed her cigarette out too. The pair shared a hug before heading back inside.

  When they stepped through the door, Fiona was washing up. Zack, Sam and Jo were playing with the children and Harry, Pete and Frank were sat at the monitors by the security window. The three of them looked up, then looked at each other sheepishly.

  “Oh my god!” Lucy laughed. “You three were totally listening in on us, weren’t you?”

  Not one of them confirmed or denied her accusation, but both Frank and Pete cracked up laughing when she walked up to Frank and swatted him around the head.

  Xin blushed as she met Pete’s eyes, but he smiled back at her.

  An hour later, the Ford family bade them goodnight and left. Pete insisted that Xin go to bed too, she couldn’t stop yawning and she was followed shortly by Harry and Lucy. Frank and Pete stayed up to take the first watch, playing cards in front of the monitors.

  Xin fell into a deep sleep very quickly. Her dreams were flooded with the usual nightmares that bothered her every night. Swarms and swarms of clammy, grabbing hands and gnashing faces loomed all around her. She tossed and turned as she tried, in her dream, to escape the hordes of zombies.

  For the first time since the nightmares had begun, though, something changed. The scene of terror faded away and the groaning died out. She was left standing on the dusty ground, just outside of the cabin that she knew she was asleep inside. She looked around, expecting an attack to come from somewhere. And then she saw it, a glint of white from the corner of her eye. When she looked again it wasn’t there. It had seemed to be some kind of glowing figure, standing almost where the track to the base started. As she squinted, trying to see it again, she heard what sounded like music. The music made her ears tingle and, as she strained to hear, a chant started to accompany it in her mind.

  “Come outside, find me. Come outside, find me.”

  Xin jolted in her bed. She did not fully awaken, but became aware that she was pushing her sheet aside and climbing from the bottom bunk. As if on auto pilot, her legs took her across the small interior and towards the door that
led out into the night.

  Pete looked up as he heard movement. When he spotted Xin walking slowly across the room, he nudged Frank and nodded towards her.

  “Is she sleepwalking?” Frank whispered, puzzled.

  “I don’t know...” Pete whispered back. Then, slightly louder, he called Xin’s name. She didn’t respond. As she came closer it was clear that her eyes were closed. Pete rose slowly from his seat.

  “What are you doing?” Frank hissed. “Don’t wake her up!”

  “What?” Pete said, turning to look at him. “I have to. She’s about to go outside.

  “But... you should never wake a sleepwalker,” Frank told him in hushed tones.

  “Alright, fine then.” Pete sighed and picked up his handgun. He thrust it into his waistband and made to follow Xin. “You keep an eye on the monitors. If there’s any sign of trouble heading this way, make sure you get out there fast enough to warn me.”

  “You’re going to follow her?” Frank asked.

  “Well obviously, someone has to,” He said, as Xin’s arm rose, reaching out for the door handle.

  Xin stepped out into the night. The nip of cool dusk air roused her somewhat. Her eyes cracked open and for a while all she saw was blackness. She recognised the sound of someone following her through the door and was about to turn and look, when she heard the strange music again. She glimpsed the same blur of white that she had seen in the dream and, instead of turning around, she carried on in the direction of the glowing shape. The music chimed and tinkled, then once again morphed into a thought in her head.

  “Won’t hurt you. Peace. No harm.”

  The whiteness was still glinting some way off. She continued towards it and as she did so, some part of it seemed to reach out towards her in return. Behind her she heard a gasp and a thud. Whoever was following her had fallen to the ground. This should have panicked her, but she was lulled by the music and its peaceful message.

  Approaching closer to the whiteness, its shape seemed to be flutter a little. Only, it wasn’t actually moving. Her eyes just had to adjust so as to focus on it. It appeared in a way similar to the things she examined under a microscope; foggy at first but, when she turned the dials, it was brought into focus and became clearer. Still in a state that was not far from sleep, with her eyes mostly shut, she couldn’t make out great details of the figure in front of her. However, she could make out that it was not human, nor a monstrous dead version of a human. The being in front of her was like nothing she had ever seen, nor anything she could ever have imagined. It didn’t seem to have the same solid structure as a human, but she couldn’t quite decide what made her think that. To all intents and purposes, its form was fairly normal. Two arms, two legs, one head, nothing crazy. Though, in a fascinating way, its skin seemed slightly translucent and had a phosphorescent quality; not quite white and faintly luminescent. There was definitely something about it that made Xin think of a jellyfish. The thought was somewhat ridiculous but she couldn’t shake it. It had eyes too, a little larger and much more rounded than humans but somehow not as distinct. Through her sleep, Xin realised, its eyes are under a layer of its skin, that’s why it isn’t blinking. It didn’t have ears, but her conclusion would be that they were also underneath its skin. She was amazed, as she watched and listened. If a human could ever meet God, she thought that it would feel like that very moment. A moment of complete awe.