Dying to Live

by Roxy De Winter

  There seemed to be an endless amount of time for Xin to take in what she was seeing, during which she struggled to fully awaken. The harder she tried the more her eyes drooped. It seemed that, for some reason, Xin had to remain only semi-conscious during the interaction. She listened to the lulling music and as she did, it changed. There came more sorrowful tones and notes that made tears prickle in the corners of Xin’s eyes.

  “Pain. So much pain,” the music seemed to whisper. Xin dropped to her knees in the dirt. The communication was not easy but it was effective. She could only hear the music and see the unmoving figure, but in her mind she saw it all: a cold, shining, silver tray with this alien life form upon it. A white room and the figures around it sheathed in protective suits and armed with their needles and knives. It could not die, but it could still hurt. It had suffered through all the pain that it had been subjected to, without the relief of death. It had already watched as the humans had turned their own planet into a world of pain and fighting and now it missed its home of peace, understanding and love.

  “Healing. Much better.” The new composition was not devoid of the sorrow from before but it slowed the streaming of her tears and Xin understood. The being had regenerative properties. Her sleep addled mind could not process all of the possibilities that this knowledge afforded her, but she stored it away for the right moment.

  Much quicker this time, the music changed until she was unsure that it could still be called music. She could feel a tension building in her head, as the sound got higher and higher until she could barely hear it anymore. Before her eyes, the ghostly shape reached both of its arm-like limbs out to touch Xin’s temples. At the moment that contact was made, Xin could swear it felt as if the being had reached right into her head to plant the final thought. But then there was nothing.

  Silence and blackness seeped over her, as her eyes sagged shut once more. There was one last resounding statement, before her body slipped sideways and thumped gently to the ground. It evoked a vague memory that she had no time to acknowledge.

  “Go. Find the Seahorse.”

  16.

  ‘I came around and awoke, still laid in the dust. Frank had hurried out from the cabin the moment he had seen Pete slump to the ground. It made no sense that he could have acted so quickly, considering that I seemed to stand alone in front of the strange being for an eternity. He said that when he got outside he’d seem me topple over with my nose bleeding and we were totally alone in an eerie silence. Pete had already been getting back up and the men had rushed over to help me groggily find my feet.’

  Back inside the cabin the group assembled. Frank had woken Lucy and Harry, while Pete guided Xin to the bathroom to clean up her nose and make sure she was unharmed. The others had then woken Zack and Fiona from the RV, leaving the children to sleep. When Pete and Xin emerged into the living area, everyone was waiting anxiously.

  Lucy, Harry, Zack and Fiona were all confused. They had no idea why they had been dragged from their beds in the middle of the night. Frank was pacing and shaking his head in bewilderment. He stopped pacing as Pete guided Xin shakily to a spot on the sofa.

  “What in God’s name was that?” Franks eyes were wide as he looked at them.

  “What’s going on?” Harry asked worriedly. Lucy looked from Frank, to Xin, then to Pete and back to Frank.

  “You walked out of the door and dropped like a sack of stones.” Frank was almost shouting now and seemed nearly hysterical as he spoke to Pete. “And then you went all blurry on the monitor and when I got outside you were bleeding and had fallen over too!” He finished looking at Xin.

  “What about the alien? Did you see that?” Xin asked Frank eagerly.

  His face fell in astonishment.

  “Alien?” Frank’s eyebrows looked like they were trying to leap off his face, as he stumbled to an armchair himself. “This is crazy.”

  Fiona and Zack looked at each other and then at Lucy and Harry. Lucy frowned and shrugged back at them, Harry just looked completely bewildered.

  “Guys, does someone want to explain to us what’s going on?” Zack asked tentatively. Frank threw his arms up and his face said that he had no idea.

  “Frank and I were on watch,” Pete said wearily. “We thought Xin had woken up. She got out of bed and walked outside. We realised she was still asleep, so I followed her.”

  Lucy looked relieved. “So she was just sleep walking?” She asked.

  “Why did we all need to wake up for that? We thought...” Fiona didn’t finish her sentence because Frank was glaring at her.

  “They got out of the door and both collapsed. I got out there and Xin was almost at the track that leads to the base! She was laid on the ground with a nose bleed,” Frank said sternly.

  “Okay... So it’s a little weird,” Fiona shrugged.

  “Are you people not listening to me?” Xin asked irritably. “Frank, did you not see the alien? Wasn’t it on the monitors? What about when you got outside?” Seeing him shaking his head with a wide eyed expression, she diverted her questions. “Pete, didn’t you see it?”

  They all looked at her as though she’d gone crazy. It was unsettling not just to see their unsure faces, but to realise that she was the only one who had experienced the presence.

  “I’m not mad! Frank...?” Xin looked at him but he just shook his head. “Pete, you must have? What about the music?”

  “I don’t know,” he replied. “There might have been... like a shimmer of light or something? And, I mean, I thought I heard music... but it could’ve just been the moonlight and... Maybe passing out just made me think I heard music.”

  “No,” Xin said firmly. “It wasn’t the moonlight it’s too cloudy tonight, and it wasn’t your imagination. I can’t describe it so that you will understand, but it was him.”

  “Him?” Pete asked.

  Xin frowned in exasperation. “The alien.”

  “So, let me check that I’ve got this correct. You want us to believe that you sleepwalked out into the night, happened upon an alien, had a chat with it and passed out?” Fiona asked derisively.

  “Don’t talk to me like that,” Xin told her icily, meeting her eyes with a withering look. “You can think what you like of me and believe whatever pleases you, but I have worked in science all of my life. I do not deal in lies and fantasy. I deal in facts and things that I see with my own eyes. I know what I saw and I know what I heard, whether anyone believes that is their own business,” Xin finished angrily.

  “I’m sure Fiona wasn’t saying that you’re lying. It’s just that none of us are sleeping very well, we’re all scared and it’s taking its toll. I’m sure you think that’s what you saw but...” Zack tried to ease the rising tension between the two women but only made it worse.

  “It’s not what I think I saw,” Xin fumed, exploding into a rage and rising from the sofa to face them. “I wasn’t dreaming and I wasn’t imagining it!”

  Fiona stepped forward, leaving only inches between them. “You’ve gone mad!” She said cuttingly. “It was hard to believe you had a plan to begin with. Then you came up with the idea that got my daughter killed! And now this! You stand there accusing me of being the bad guy, while you’re telling us that you spoke to an alien? LISTEN TO YOURSELF, GIRL!” Fiona seemed to tower over Xin, as she spat her venomous attack. Xin did not back down, though. She stared back defiantly.

  “I am very sorry for your loss, but nobody told your daughter to follow us and my friend died too. He was trying to save her, if you remember that. We have all lost someone and times are hard, but I am not crazy.” Xin did not need to raise her voice, and for such a delicate little thing her words were dangerously laced with an unspoken threat.

  “Your friend?” Fiona laughed callously, “Tell me, wasn’t the last thing you said to him...” The slap came from nowhere and seemed to reverberate around the room, leaving a screaming silence in its wake. Nobody breathed and Fiona’s nostrils flared. Even Xin’s mouth dropped open. She
was shocked that she had hit her and slightly ashamed of herself too.

  “YOU...” Fiona lunged forward and grabbed a hold of Xin’s hair. “BITCH!” She yelled. Harry was the closest and he rushed to intervene.

  Xin’s head was forced backwards by Fiona’s grasp but she lashed out blindly and felt her fist connect with the woman’s shoulder. When the hand loosened in her hair, Harry managed to pull Fiona away.

  “Calm down! We don’t need to do this.” Harry forced the straining woman backwards a few paces as he spoke. Zack didn’t like that very much.

  “If you’re quite finished! I know you haven’t ever liked us much but that’s my wife you’re manhandling.”

  As if only just realising what was happening, a somewhat delayed reaction after such a strange night, Pete shook his head clear and stepped in. “And that’s my girl... my friend,” he corrected himself as he shielded Xin, “that she’s trying to attack. There are plenty of things out there that are perfectly ready to kill us without us turning on each other!”

  Zack huffed, grabbed his wife’s arms and hauled her across the cabin.

  “FIONA, STOP!” He roared at her. She turned to him, eyes blazing.

  “She fucking hit me!” Fiona glowered.

  “And your retaliation makes you just as bad. I didn’t marry a woman who just wants to brawl with every person she has a disagreement with. I married a woman who knows that violence isn’t the reaction that will fix things,” Zack told her unsympathetically.

  “We’re leaving!” She told him, challenging him to disagree with her.

  “We... Fiona, be rational, please...” He floundered.

  “We. Are. Leaving,” She told him, struggling to find some composure. With that, she pulled her arms free of his grasp and stormed out of the cabin. Zack looked around at the others, who all looked nonplussed. He frowned at them and then strode out after his wife.

  Nobody knew what to say after that. In the silence that followed, they all heard the RV’s powerful engine roar into life and the squeal of metal as the gate rolled open. Harry was the first to break the silence.

  “They’re really going,” he stated. Nobody replied, but they all heard a door slam and the rumble of tires on grit, then the unmistakable noise of an RV rolling away into the night. “So, uh... I’ll go and close the gate?”

  “I’ll come too,” Pete said. “All that noise, who knows what could have heard it.” He and Harry picked up their guns; Pete also tucked the machete into his belt and Harry a small knife. Then they headed out, leaving Frank, Lucy and Xin still trying to come to terms with what had just happened.

  “If it’s any consolation, I think she deserved that slap,” Frank said earnestly to Xin. “What you said did sound crazy, but with everything else that’s going on and the things we’ve already seen, who’s to say what’s possible? Everything is crazy nowadays anyway; zombies are out there for god sake. And she shouldn’t have mentioned Dr Yuan either.”

  Lucy nodded. “I agree, Xin. Don’t you dare beat yourself up over any of this.”

  But Xin already was. She was beginning to doubt herself a little. What if she had dreamt it all after all? Now a family with two young children were out there in the danger zone again. “I shouldn’t have hit her,” Xin said. “Maybe I didn’t explain things well enough. I never really gave them a clear answer to their questions.”

  “Yeah well, they didn’t seem like team players to start with. They came with us on our trip up there,” Frank nodded his head in the direction of the base, “not because they wanted to help us make things better, but to see if they had a good enough reason to stay with us. They wanted to see if we knew enough to save the world and offer them a haven,” he reasoned. “They were here for the safety of their family. Not that that’s a bad reason, but we’re all here for the bigger picture. Not just to survive, but to fight this thing. Besides, we couldn’t give them answers until we had them ourselves.”

  “What if I am crazy? Maybe it was just a dream.” Xin sighed, but the final message still rang in her head, branded onto her being and she knew it was no dream.

  Lucy stepped over to Xin and firmly grasped her arm, turning her to face her. “You are not crazy,” she said. “And if you believed before that it wasn’t a dream, then don’t back down now just because you feel upset about what’s happened. We all ended up here for a reason. We’re together because we trust you and we believe in you. We’re all here for you. Alright?” She urged Xin, giving her arm a gentle shake.

  “You should listen to Lucy, she’s right.” Frank jerked his thumb at her.

  Xin didn’t word a reply because suddenly she felt very emotional. Instead she nodded and gave them a weak smile.

  “Good. Now, did she hurt you?” Lucy asked with concern.

  “No,” Xin shook her head. “My scalp is a bit sore but the only thing that was really wounded was my pride.”

  When Pete and Harry hastily returned, they were blood splattered and panting. They hurriedly shut the door and bolted it behind themselves.

  “Put the lights off,” Pete whispered quietly. Xin was puzzled and felt a flutter of worry, but rushed to turn them off. “And keep your voices down.”

  “What’s wrong?” Frank asked him in low, urgent tones.

  In the darkness it was hard to see much. The dull glow from the security monitors cast shapes and shadows around them.

  “We ran in to a few of them. We think they were wandering down the track when they heard the engine,” Harry said.

  “We took out about three of them,” Pete explained. “We used our blades so that the gun fire didn’t attract more, but there are a couple of stragglers out there and probably more following. We’ll have to be careful.”

  “Shit,” Frank muttered.

  “Indeed,” Harry said drily. “Maybe in the morning we can get a better idea of how many there are. Possibly even clear a few of them.”

  “There’s no point committing to clearing any significant numbers until we’ve decided whether we’re staying here any longer or not,” Xin chimed in.

  “Look, Xin, about that. While you’ve been working, we’ve had a few chats,” Lucy whispered cautiously, too worried to speak any louder. “We all seem to feel the same and we’ve decided that you’re the one who knows what the best course of action is in regards to the infection. So, basically we’re more than happy to go along with whatever you decide.”

  Xin was shocked. “But... I can’t decide by myself. It can’t come down to only me when it risks you all.”

  “Don’t get me wrong, we’re willing to talk through all of the options. We’re not trying to put a burden on your shoulders,’ Pete told her. “But the final decision is yours to make and we trust your judgement. None of us know how this works. You’re the one with the knowledge and all we can do is assist. Don’t worry about the risks, there will be risks no matter what is decided, just choose whatever you think is the right course.”

  It felt like a lot of pressure for Xin to handle, but she did understand why they were placing it in her hands. She still intended for it to be a group decision.

  “It looks like we all need to talk. With those things right on our doorstep, there’s no point putting it off anymore. Let’s pull the chairs over to the monitors, that way we can keep an eye on what’s happening outside and have a little light to see by,” Xin suggested.

  The others agreed and Pete, Frank and Harry heaved the furniture around. Lucy found some candles in a drawer and, by the dim light they provided, she and Xin made warm drinks for everyone.

  17.

  ‘I knew that Seahorse meant something. I was sure I’d heard of it before. When Xin first mentioned it I couldn’t immediately recall exactly what it was. When it did come to me, it really blew everything out of the water –if you’ll excuse the pun. It was something I had always been curious about, and evidently fate had allowed that one day I would find out more about it.’

  The group, now feeling significantly smaller, hu
ddled in the scant light offered by the candles and the screens. During their brief silence, as they nursed the steaming mugs, scratching noises had started at the door.

  “They know we’re in here,” Lucy whispered nervously, with a glance towards the door. It was only a wooden door with a few bolts and she was not convinced that it would hold up against a horde if they didn’t decide to dissipate soon.

  “It should hold for now, don’t worry,” Frank assured her, giving her elbow a gentle squeeze.

  Nobody wanted to rush Xin. For the time being they were safe, and there was a lot for everyone to process. Harry watched the motion on the screens. It looked as though there were at least five of the dead things out there. He gulped anxiously and distracted himself with his cocoa.