Wild Abandon

by Jeannine Colette

  And pink.

  Everything is pink.

  Emma was right. Alexander went overboard when he found out it was a girl.

  I place Isla in her father’s arms and watch as he walks down the hallway, singing a sweet song to his daughter. Emma looks like she’s about to cry. It’s most likely the hormones. She keeps on saying they’re making her extra emotional.

  “Tissue?” I offer.

  “Thanks.” She takes the tissue and wipes her eyes. “You’d think I’d be all cried out already. I can’t wait to get my emotions back in check. My doctor tried to give me pills, but I threw them at her. Coffee?”

  I nod my head and walk with her into the kitchen.

  “So, how’s it, staying with your parents?” Emma asks as she makes me a cup.

  “Interesting,” I say slowly.

  My parents are planning a humanitarian trip to Nepal and are learning to speak Nepali while practicing the Hindu and Buddhist traditions, so they can sympathize with the people they are reaching out to. They’ve already been regulating their diets to attune to the Nepalese culture.

  “I can’t wait to get back to my apartment. The lease is up in a few weeks, so I’ll be back in my home.”

  “You can stay here if you want. We have plenty of room.” Emma leans her elbow onto the counter, a cup in her hands.

  Yes, I could stay with Emma and Alexander. They have a beautiful three-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. But they also just had their first child. I am not going to impose on this special time in their life.

  “Thanks, but my parents are really excited to have me home even if it’s only for a few weeks.”

  “Suit yourself.” She eyes her cup for a second before speaking, “So, you never made it the whole six months, huh?”

  I shrug my shoulders and concede at the thought that I failed at my attempt to Eat, Pray, Love. My nonchalant attitude I’ve been keeping up all morning starts to fade. “I couldn’t stay. After seeing Nate with Ellie, I knew I was causing more harm than good. I spent three days by myself at a hotel by the beach. Did a lot of thinking. When I got back to Napa, I packed my bags and said good-bye.”

  Emma nods, remembering the call I gave her that day, telling her I would be on my way back to New York.

  “And your boss? Ed, was it? How did he take it?”

  I sigh at the sound of Ed’s name. He had known I was coming to say good-bye before I even got there. I was nervous, wondering what he might think of me—the woman in love with his daughter’s husband. Instead, he apologized to me, said he should have let me know how he and Nate were connected. I understood why he hadn’t said anything. He knew it would break my heart.

  We spoke for a while in the garden about life and love, Ellie’s condition, Nate’s isolation, and before I left, I needed him to clarify something.

  “In the hospital, you said, ‘It’s not his fault.’ What did you mean by that?” I asked Ed before I got in my car.

  Ed smiled, as if he had been waiting for me to ask the question. “That he fell in love with you. He’d have been a fool not to.”

  I cried a little and hugged Ed for the last time before driving to the San Francisco Airport. I was over the Bay Bridge when I realized there was an envelope on my passenger seat. Inside was a large wad of cash, presumably my pay for working at Russet Ranch. How he had gotten it there, I had no idea.

  “He was very understanding,” I answer Emma’s question.

  “Have you heard from Nate?”

  My body falls within itself at the mention of his name. “No.”

  “That’s a shame. I was rooting for you. Hoping he’d make some dramatic gesture, like show up on your doorstep and demand you go back to Napa with him.”

  I half-laugh into my hand. “You and Naomi have quite the imaginations when it comes to love. Just because Alexander chased you down, professed his love to you on a curb—”

  “And a journal,” she interrupts.

  “And a music journal.”

  “And a song,” she adds.

  Man, I wish all men were as romantic as her husband.

  “See? This is the sort of thing that had me running to California six months ago. Men like Alexander don’t exist. They’re mythical. I need real.”

  “Please. I only say these things to remind myself. He’s done, like, two romantic things in our marriage. Most of the time, he’s throwing dirty laundry at me and leaving his cereal boxes on the counter.”

  “I heard that,” Alexander says, walking into the kitchen. “She lies. I write her love letters every week.” He winks at me, and I almost melt. Almost.

  Emma hits him in the chest and sends him away. “You’re not helping my case.” She gives her attention back to me. “I was never much of a dreamer until it happened to me. Now, I always find hope.”

  “Nate and I are through. I won’t lie and say I haven’t daydreamed about him coming here, but the truth is, he has a wife, and she is very much alive. He has commitments and a life in California that do not, cannot, and will never include me.” I put the cup down and reprimand my friend, “Now, don’t you have somewhere to be? Go, shoo, get out of here.” I make a shoving motion with my hands, forcing Emma to move about the kitchen.

  Emma refuses to have a nanny or help of any kind, so when she and Alexander called to say they needed someone to watch Isla for a quick hour while they went to a business meeting, I happily said yes. Who wouldn’t want to spend a morning with a beautiful infant?

  “Do I have to leave her?” Emma pouts.

  Alexander hands Emma her coat. “We’ll be quick. Isla is sleeping in her crib. She won’t even know we’re gone.”

  Emma takes a deep breath. “Okay, okay,” she says. Then, she eyes me. “There’s milk in the fridge. Just heat it up in the warmer. You know how to do that, right?”

  “Yes, you showed me as soon as I walked through the door—along with the first aid kit, the burp cloths, diapers, wipes, fire extinguisher, and list of medical support staff, should anything happen,” I say. Then, I add with a smile, “But, of course, I’ll call you first.”

  Emma rolls her eyes at me.

  Alexander has his hand on her lower back. “Our cell phones are on.”

  “Go!” I virtually push her out the door.

  Alexander thanks me and then whispers, “Take care of my little girl.”

  Ha! I knew he was worried, too.

  I take the baby monitor and walk to the living room. Their apartment is really nice. The top floor of a brownstone. Pre-war building with all modern conveniences. It’s a spacious layout, and the furnishings are homey, not ostentatious or uncomfortable. It’s exactly the type of place I’d picture for Emma and Alexander.

  I always thought I’d end up in a place like this someday. And then I went to Russet Ranch. I felt at home there. Walking through the vineyards, I could imagine myself building a small home on the land, playing my cello at night on the back porch overlooking the roses. I can’t describe how I felt when I was there, other than to say I just belonged.

  “Wah-wah,” Isla’s cries pour through the infant monitor.

  I rush down to her room and lift her out of her crib. As soon as she is in my arms, her crying stops.

  “Looks like the little girl just wanted to be held. Well, you’re in luck because I’ve been dying to hold you some more.”

  Ring, ding.

  Isla and I walk to the front of the apartment where it sounded like the doorbell was ringing. I peer out the window of the brownstone but don’t see a delivery truck. Perhaps it’s someone stopping by to see the new baby.

  I look through the peephole and am staring at the back of a man’s jacket.

  “Who is it?”

  “It’s Nate.”

  I gasp and then spin around, putting my back to the front door. Isla is tight against my chest. I look down at her and ask, “Did he just say, it’s Nate?”

  “I did.” Nate’s voice comes from the other side of the door.

  Of course he
can hear me.

  My heart speeds up, and my breathing becomes erratic.

  I look back down to Isla. “Next time Naomi wants to write to the love gods or your mom wants to make a premonition of handsome men appearing at my door, I’m asking them to up the ante. End world hunger, cure cancer, chocolate that melts fat—”

  “Are you going to let me in?” Nate asks.

  It suddenly dawns on me that he’s not outside my door. He’s outside Emma and Alexander’s door.

  “How did you know I was here?” I ask through the door.

  “Is there a reason you’re refusing to let me in?”

  Is there a reason?

  No.

  Yes.

  Well, now that I think about it, I can’t see him. I’ll die a thousand deaths at just the sight of him. To look at him and not be able to touch him is a tragedy.

  Then again, he did fly all the way across the country to see me.

  Oh my God, he flew across the country to see me.

  “Crystal…” My name off his tongue is a plea. His voice is low and closer, as if his head is resting against the wood. “I have been traveling nonstop for the last sixteen hours. Please let me see you.”

  I turn around, unlatch the top lock, and open the door.

  Yep, I knew it was a bad idea. Incredible olive-green eyes outlined by an intoxicating mop of dark hair that’s rich, full, and wavy. He’s wearing a peacoat and jeans with wing-tip shoes, and he smells like cotton, spice, and whiskey.

  The smell alone is killing me.

  “You have a baby?” he asks, a mixture of surprise and dread.

  I look down at Isla, who has fallen back to sleep.

  “No! This is Emma’s baby. It’s been a month, Nate. How could I have possibly had a baby?”

  His face startles, and he shakes his head, the tendrils floating about. “Wow, I think the jet lag just got to me. But, wait, when we were together…in my apartment, we didn’t…we weren’t—”

  “I’m not pregnant, Nate. If that’s what you came all this way to find out, then you can turn around and go home.”

  I start to close the door, but he puts his hand up.

  His forearm rises up to the door, and his body leans in as he holds it open. “Wait—”

  “How did you know I was here?” I ask before he can say whatever it was he was about to say.

  Getting a good look at him, I see that his appearance, as handsome as it might be, is quite distorted. His hair is unkempt, shaggy, and falling. His eyes have dark circles under them, and his jaw hasn’t been shaven in a day or two.

  “I asked Naomi where you were. She gave me your parents’ address.”

  “You spoke to Naomi?”

  “Yesterday.”

  “You spoke to Naomi yesterday and are here this morning?”

  “Booked the first flight I could get on. I had two layovers and a terrible case of needing to see you as fast as possible. I went to your parents’ place, but they told me you’d be here. Do you know how complicated it is to get from the Upper West Side to Brooklyn? I would have taken a cab, but your dad said the train would be faster. I was in the Bronx before I realized I had gone the wrong way. Then, I went to Queens, and now, I’m just so relieved to have found you.”

  “Oh.” Yes, that’s the witty response I have to the fact that Nate flew all the way out here and spent the morning trying to track me down.

  Nate lightens his hold on the door and stands up straighter. Stepping closer, his body is inches from me as he says, “Now, can I please come in? I have something very important to say to you.”

  I stare back at him for way too long before I realize I’m not breathing.

  Yes, let’s start breathing. Now would be a good time for that.

  “I’m going to put Isla down. I’ll be right back.” I rush down the hall and place Isla in her crib. Then, I take a moment to gain my bearings. Adjusting my blouse, I do a mini pace about the room.

  “Nate’s here,” I say into the open air. “He is actually here. What does this mean? Does he want me to go back to Napa? Does he want to stay here? No, he can’t. He has Ellie. Oh God, Ellie. I can’t do this. I can’t—no, I can. Crystal Reid, you can do this. You never got to say your good-byes. He’s here for closure, and that’s what you are going to do. Say good-bye. Yes, I can do this.”

  I can?

  I can.

  Goddamn it.

  I square my shoulders and walk out of the nursery.

  When I get to the living room, Nate is standing by the sofa. His peacoat is off, showcasing a soft gray sweater, the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. His feet are spread apart, his arms are crossed on his chest, and his chin is up and commanding.

  He might be tired as hell, but he looks like a man on a mission.

  “I’m not here to say good-bye,” he says with his eyes trained hard on mine.

  What? How the hell does he know my inner thoughts?

  Nate holds up the baby monitor, and I slap my forehead with my palm.

  God, I’m such an idiot.

  “I love you, Crystal Reid, and I’m not leaving here without you.”

  My head snaps up, and my lips part to breathe. Tingles, chills, shivers—the whole nine runs through my body.

  I open my mouth to speak, but Nate halts me by taking a step forward and continuing, “Just in case you didn’t hear me, I will say it again. I love you, and I am not leaving here without you.”

  My eyes moisten at the feeling his words are eliciting. I don’t want him to say these things.

  He takes another step closer. “Life is too short, and I refuse to spend one more minute without being with the one person I want by my side. I want you to be the first person I kiss in the morning and the last person I see before I close my eyes at night.”

  He comes even closer. His body is so close to mine that I can feel the heat of his body. “It’s not going to be easy,” he continues. “I come as a package deal. I made a vow to Ellie, and for as long as she’s alive, I will forever care for her. I also have a big, smelly dog and medical bills. But, in return, I promise to love you, cherish you, support you, and worship you for the rest of my life. I will even let you get a cat.”

  The line makes me laugh, and a little bit of the tension is broken. I look back up at him, and his eyes are softer, lovingly looking down at me.

  He says, “I can’t change my past, but I’m done letting the future write itself for me. I want you in my life forever, and I want the rest of my life to start right now.”

  I let out a cry, an exhale-type cry where your throat makes a strange noise, but I can’t control it. Nate just said the one thing I’ve wanted so bad that it’s hard to say yes.

  Still, I shake my head.

  “How, Nate? Where would we live? What about Ellie and Ed? It’s all too complicated.” My eyes dart back and forth around the floor as I think of all the ways this could go terribly wrong.

  Nate slightly bows down to catch my gaze, our contact intense. “It is complicated. But we always were from the start. I want you to come back to Napa with me. I put my apartment in San Francisco up for sale. It’s time to let go.” He must see the surprise on my face because he tucks a curl behind my ear and holds my head in his hand. “We’ll get our own place. You pick it. All I care about is that it’s somewhere in between Ellie and Russet Ranch.”

  I shake my head. “I can’t go back to working at the ranch. What will Ed think of me after he finds out we’re together?”

  Nate just smiles a beautiful smile, and that chipped tooth is visible through the brilliance of it. “He’ll think you’re in love with the owner.”

  I push away, confused by that very odd statement.

  Nate pulls me back and inches his mouth very close to mine. “The vineyard is mine. Ed signed it over to me, just as Old Man Russet had done for him. Signed the papers yesterday. I am going to bring it back to life, and I want to do it with you by my side. I want to raise a family with you and grow old and sit in ro
ckers, drinking wine and telling our grandkids about the time you stripped for me in my living room.”

  “You wouldn’t.”

  “No, but I will show them a certain music video.” He laughs, and I go to hit him, but he stops me by pulling me in and kissing me.

  Should I say no to him?

  Yes, I should. My brain is telling my hands to push away from him and to ask him to leave.

  Nate is married to someone else. His vow is to another woman. I will forever wonder if he wished to trade me in for the life he had originally chosen.

  Yet, kissing him, in this moment, there is a thought more frightening taking over my heart. I have been married once. I loved before. Nothing has ever—nothing will ever measure up to the way I feel about him and the way he makes me feel when he’s around.

  I’d rather live a half-life with Nate than not live with him at all.

  Nate kisses me like his yesterday, today, and tomorrow are all tied up into one kiss, like I’m his forever. And I kiss him back like he is mine. Because he is.

  It’s complicated, it’s messy, and it’s far from perfect. But, damn, it is the only life I ever want to live.

  I pull away from Nate and look up into his beautiful face. “Take me home, Nate.”

  “I already have your ticket.”

  EPILOGUE

  NATE

  The sun is beating down, and sweat is dripping on my back. It’s a good day at Russet Ranch.

  We produce four tons of grapes per acre and make high-quality wine only found in this part of the valley. We host five tastings a day, catering exclusively to tour groups, and sell a special reserve to a few high-end restaurants in the region.

  Business has been good, and life has been even better.

  “All right, boys, time to bring her in!” I call to my crew for the end of the day.

  We have migrant workers at the ranch and a couple of yearly guys. I could sit back and let them handle the manual labor, but what’s the fun in that? This is what I was made for. This is the work I love.

  Since I took over a few years ago, we’ve turned Russet Ranch around. Me, Crystal, and Ed. Yep, the old man is still going strong, especially since Crystal convinced him to get his hip replaced. Every day, he’s out in the rose garden, cutting flowers to place around the ranch. There’s a vase in every room of our home, too. They don’t bother me. After all, they’re magic.