I'm with the Band

by Melanie Brown

  “Boys! Stop this!” Mom started to say.

  “No Mom, wait!” I shouted. “John, I didn’t think you could be a bigger asshole, but I was wrong! You think what I did was easy? Just play? I was completely humiliated! I’ve never been so embarrassed! I put my masculinity on the back burner for you and your dream! What a chump I am!”

  John sneered, “What are you talking about? You don’t have any masculinity!”

  My eyes flashed with anger but John never saw it coming as I lunged toward him and my fist landed firmly on his nose. I screamed, “And it’s your goddamn fault!” John’s nose started spewing blood.

  John stumbled over the coffee table as he backed away from me, and I jumped on him, bringing us both to the floor. I started punching him and crying, “It’s your fault! It’s your fault!”

  John finally recovered from his initial surprise and raised a foot up and kicked me back, where I fell backwards into the end table, knocking a lamp over onto the couch.

  As I was trying to stand back up, Dad had come rushing back into the house from the garage. “What the hell’s going on here?” he bellowed. John and I were both on our feet and Dad was between us, holding us back.

  John attempted a lunge at me, but Dad held him back. Then, he just collapsed onto the couch. He was actually crying. Mom handed him a paper towel to wipe the blood from his nose.

  “Is someone going to tell me what’s going on here?” Dad asked in his ‘angry’ voice.

  “For Christ’s sake, Michael,” John groaned. “How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?” John suddenly yelled at me, “I’m sorry! I am so goddamn sorry! I didn’t mean to do it! I wish to God I’d never played with that stupid bow and arrow! I’ve wanted so many times to take it back.”

  He sobbed for a moment. I sat down and was crying. John shouted, “Yes! It’s my fault! I ruined your life! And I... am... sorry! Okay? I’m sorry.” His voice trailed away.

  “What is going on?” asked Dad.

  I looked at Dad and told him what John had said. John sat there and said nothing. He just held his nose.

  Dad just stood there and frowned. Finally, he said, “This is just wonderful, isn’t it? I was opposed to Michael pretending to be a girl from the get-go. I knew it would lead to problems, but I was over-ruled. And while I don’t approve of the way Mike looks right now or him selling tampons -- for God’s sake -- on TV, I have to say, John, get over it! It would have been easy for him to have walked away, and no one would have blamed him. But he was man enough to take the high ground to make a personal sacrifice for your benefit.”

  “But Dad!” John wailed, “Look at him! He paints his toenails. He manicures his finger nails. He plucks his eyebrows! He has a boyfriend. He... he... “

  I stood up and shouted, “I do not pluck my eyebrows! And for cryin’ out loud! Tommy is not my boyfriend! And, so freakin’ what?!”

  Dad looked quickly at Mom, then back to John and said, “Did you not hear what I just said?” He paused a second, then continued, “Your mother didn’t tell you this before because she knew you’d take it wrong, but Mr. Winters only signed you guys on because of Mike. He thought Mike as Michelle was the band’s most marketable asset.”

  John looked crestfallen for a moment, and then said, “Dad, that’s bull! The studio wanted to hear a demo when we had a real Michelle -- Sammy’s ex-girlfriend!”

  Mom said, “John, the studio asks to hear a lot of demos. Mr. Winters said it was that special quality in Mike’s voice that lifted your band’s sound above all those other bands trying to make it. And Mike’s image as a girl helped with getting the contract because the studio was looking for new looks. Sammy’s ex-girlfriend might not have had the image they were looking for.”

  John looked incredulous and said, “You’ve got to be kidding me! There’s no way they’d pick Mike over a real girl!”

  It was Mom’s turn to look incredulous. She said, “John, are you blind? Have you not noticed how stunning Michelle is? The rest of the band notices because I’ve watched them drool whenever she’s around even though they know who Michelle is. Even now -- sorry Mike -- even now without trying, Mike looks like a very lovely young girl.”

  Dad frowned and said, “I know. It’s uncanny but he looks just like your Mom did when she was a teenager. She was pretty stunning herself.” Mom put her arm around Dad.

  Mom said, “The band wouldn’t be where it is without Michelle. Michelle couldn’t have existed without the accident. Mike is trying to turn his personal tragedy into something positive. The least you can do, John is to be more appreciative of his efforts.”

  John just sat there a moment, wringing his hands and staring at nothing. His eyes shimmered with tears he was fighting back. Finally he said, “I’m sorry Mike. I’m sorry for everything.” He paused a moment, struggling to get the words out. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you and... and... I want to ... say ‘thank you’ for everything you’ve done to help me... and the band.”

  * * *

  “Hey Kayla, maybe you still have a chance with Tommy after all!” bubbled Holly as she sat down with us at lunch. She handed Kayla a celebrity gossip magazine that was open to a particular page, “Look at these pictures!”

  Kayla held the magazine so I could see, too. There were the pictures Nick had taken of Tommy trying to swallow my tonsils and of us yelling at each other. There were no pictures of me forgiving Tommy.

  Kayla flashed me a look, and then said, “Man, I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl! I’d give anything to be kissed by Tommy like that, and it seems to have made her mad!”

  Holly said, “The article did mention that that girl has also been seen with Julia Briggs. Maybe she’s a lesbian?”

  I asked, “Does it actually say she’s a lesbian?”

  Holly looked at me funny, and said, “No, but they seem to suggest that.”

  Gina took the magazine and held it up and glanced back and forth between the magazine and me. “This girl sure looks a lot like you, Mike. I mean, look at the hair and the nose... “

  I interrupted saying, “Well, we are related. Like I said, she’s my cousin... on my mother’s side from Oklahoma. It’s weird, but we both look like my Mom when she was a teenager. Once my hormones start kicking in, I won’t look like them anymore.”

  Gina shrugged and looked unsure, but she didn’t press the matter any further.

  As the girls chatted on about Tommy Kincaid’s possible availability, I was struck with a sudden thought. Everyone sitting at this table probably had their toenails polished and was wearing panties. I wiggled my toes in my shoes, thankful that nobody had X-RAY vision. The panties? I admit I just like them better than my regular underwear.

  Kayla was saying, “I really don’t think Michelle is a lesbian. Have you seen her tampon commercial where at the end, Tommy kisses her?” A couple of girls nodded and a couple shook their heads. “Anyway, you can tell she liked it. I think Tommy’s just moving too fast for her.”

  Before any of the girls could say anything, I said, “Kayla, maybe she was just acting. You know, the director might have told her to act that way.”

  Then before she could answer, I asked, “And, I have to say I’m curious. Why in the world do any of you care what people you don’t know -- and will never know -- do, anyway?”

  Holly said, “Because they’re famous! Nobody cares what normal people do. But famous people... you never know what they’re going to do, so it’s fun to watch them!”

  “They’re still just people!” I protested. “The only difference between them and you is that their pictures get plastered all over the world. You wouldn’t like it if pictures of everything you did were published everywhere.”

  Holly frowned and in a frustrated voice said, “Because I’m not famous! They are. It’s the price they pay for being famous.”

  * * *

  As I tossed my book bag onto the couch, I couldn’t help but see more flowers on the coffee table. Mom came back down the hall
into the living room.

  “Oh, hi, Honey. I thought I heard you come in,” she said.

  “Hi, Mom. More flowers from Tommy?” I asked.

  Mom shook her head and said, “I don’t think so this time, Mike.”

  It bothered me that I felt a pang of disappointment. I plucked the card from the flowers. It read, “Hey, hoochie momma! Grats on your terrif commercial! You should have told me you were in town. I was throwing a party that night and would have loved to have had you. Hugs and kisses, Julia”.

  As Mom sat down to watch TV, she said, “I have to admit, I don’t like that girl.”

  I nodded and said, “She’s really out there; that’s for sure.”

  Mom looked up at me and said, “Oh, sit down. I’ve got some great news.”

  I sat down on the couch, next to Mom. She said, “I talked to Mr. Winters today. And while it isn’t official yet, he said that with all the buzz you’ve been creating, the studio has decided to move up the CD’s release date to May 15!”

  “Cool! It’s going to be awesome to actually hear us on the radio!” I squealed.

  Mom said, “We’re going to have to be switching back and forth on radio stations though. The same day they’re releasing your single to Country stations.”

  I frowned when I should have been excited and said, “John’s not going to like that, me stealing some of the spotlight.”

  Mom shook her head, but kept looking at the television as she said, “John can just get over himself.”

  I walked into my bedroom and kicked off my shoes. I took off my socks and sat on the bed and looked at my toes. I found it amusing that I’d spent the whole day at school with my toenails pink and nobody would have guessed it.

  I stepped across the hall into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I started idly brushing my hair. Kayla had other plans tonight, so I wasn’t going to get to visit her. I looked at my make-up bag sitting on the counter. It wasn’t going anywhere tonight.

  I stopped brushing as I had a sudden realization. When school ended, we would be off for Hollywood and God knows where else. I was going to have to be Michelle twenty-four seven for months. Where does Mike fit in? Should he fit in?

  I went back to my room, laid down on my bed, and cried.

  * * *

  Chapter 11

  Kayla came running up to me from the entrance to the school as I was getting out of Mom’s car. She slammed up against the side of the car and tried to catch her breath.

  “I heard it!”she exclaimed. “I heard you guys’ song on the radio this morning!”

  “Oh my God! You’re kidding!”I grabbed her by the shoulders. “For reals?”

  She nodded vigorously. “About ten minutes ago.”She took a deep breath and continued, “It was soooo awesome! I am so not joking. The song is great!”

  From inside the car, Mom called to Kayla, “Hey Kayla! I’m glad you liked the song. What station played it?”

  Kayla peered into the car window and said, “Hey Mrs. Gray. It was WLZE 103.”

  Mom reached over and fiddled with the knobs. “Maybe they’ll play it again soon.”

  With her head still inside the car window, Kayla said, “Doesn’t Michelle have like the best voice in the whole world?”

  Mom glanced at me outside the car and said, “Yes. She has a very beautiful voice.”

  Kayla poked me in the ribs and said, “And it’s so cool that one of my peeps is a rock star!”

  I rubbed my side and said, “Hey cut it out. And knock it off with that Michelle stuff. Someone might hear.”

  Kayla dismissed my comment with a smirk and a wave of her hand. From inside the car, Mom’s cell phone began to ring.

  “Hello?” Mom said as she held the phone to the side of her head. “Oh, hi Tommy.”

  Kayla clutched my arm and her eyes went wide. She whispered, “Is that him? Is it? Is it?”

  I put my finger to my lips and tried to shush her. Mom continued, “No, sorry. She’s still back in Oklahoma. I’ll be happy to give her a message though… Un huh. Yeah. Yes she did. Sure, no problem. Nice talking to you, Tommy. Bye-bye.” Mom clicked off the phone.

  Kayla stuck her head back through the window, “Oh my God! Was that Tommy? Was that really Tommy? Ohmigod!”She tugged viciously at my jacket sleeve. “I heard his voice! I actually heard it!”

  I pushed Kayla gently away and said, “Chill! I think you had too much sugar this morning! So, it was his voice. It’s no big deal!”

  Looking indignant, Kayla said, “Well, it may be no big deal for someone who’s kissed him! But for…”

  I pushed past Kayla and poked my head through the window. “Mom, what did he want now?”

  Mom just smiled and said, “He just wanted to let you know he’s heard our song on the radio, and he thought it was great. He said it’s getting a lot of requests on the local stations.”

  Before I could catch myself, I said, “That was very sweet of him. Did he say anything else?”

  Mom hesitated, looked over at Kayla, then back to me, “He said he wishes you’d return his calls. He said he’s sorry for the way he acted, and he’d like to make it up to you. He also wanted to make sure you’ve received his flowers.”

  Had I… Tommy had sent two bouquets of flowers every week for the past five weeks. Mom made me keep them in my room.

  Kayla squeezed my hand and said, “That is so awesome, girl! Tommy Kincaid has the hots for you really bad!”

  I glanced quickly around and whispered, “Will you please stop calling me ‘girl’?”

  * * *

  At lunch, as I expected, the discussion centered around our song being played on the radio. For the past month, I’d become a regular fixture at Kayla’s table. Which wasn’t a bad deal considering that most of Kayla’s friends were among the cutest girls at school.

  Holly said after she’d settled into her seat, “Hey Mike. Tell your brother we all love his band’s song. It’s really awesome!”

  Gina chimed in with, “I downloaded it this morning!”

  “Gina!” exclaimed Kayla. “Go out and buy it!”

  Gina shrugged, “I don’t know if I like it that much yet.”

  Before I could say anything, Pete, Ralph and the usual gang of idiots swung by the table.

  Pete looked at me with disgust as he said, “I just have two things to say to you, Mike. The first thing is, your brother’s band is kick ass. Serious.”

  I said, “I’m glad you like my brother’s band. Do you know if any stores have the CD yet?”

  Ralph shrugged and said, “Who cares? I downloaded the whole CD last night.”

  “The second thing I wanted to tell you is that you’re a fag,” Pete said matter-of-factly.

  The girls at the table all looked at me, then Pete, then back to me. I started to say something when Pete continued, “Serious Mike. Look at you. You’re always hanging with the cutest girls, but you’re not going out with any of them. Your hair is longer than all of them except Kayla. You don’t hang with any of us anymore. I haven’t seen you at a LAN party in over a month. You walk and talk like a girl. It’s just creepy.”

  I shrugged my shoulders and said, “What? Come on, Pete. How can you say that? I’m hangin’ with the five most bodacious girls in school and look at you. You hang with losers like Ralph and other bottom feeders. I heard that you and Ralph were caught once, naked and playing with each other.”

  The girls at the table started giggling, and Pete’s face turned fire engine red. “That was a long time ago! …I mean, who told you that? They’re making things up!”

  I was burning a bridge I really didn’t want to burn. Pete’s been a friend and a gaming buddy since the third grade, but he’s been a real jerk this past year, even before Michelle.

  I felt a sudden pang of sadness. Yes, I didn’t look masculine. I never told anyone at school about my accident. I quickly debated if I should mention it now. I finally thought
better of it. If Pete and the others knew, they’d just make comments about how balless I was.

  I stood up and said, “Pete, I know my hair is too long, but I like it that way. I know I’m not a jock, and I don’t really give a shit. But, I can kick your ass in deathmatch any time while blindfolded and you know it. I’ve met movie stars and thanks to my brother, we’re about to be rich. And did I mention that I get to have lunch with the cutest girls in school? Ask me why I should care if you call me names?”

  Ralph frowned at me and said, “Jeez, Mike. You sure have become a little bitch lately. Can’t even take a joke!”

  Pete said, “Come on, Ralph. Let’s go. Mike’s no fun anymore. He only likes to do girl stuff.” Casting dirty looks my way, the group of boys moved away from the table.

  “Well, that went well,” I mumbled to myself.

  Kayla put her arm around me and leaned towards me and said, “Aw, don’t worry about them. They’re just dumb boys. Who cares what they think.”

  I didn’t look over at her as I said, “I’m a boy. Remember? I’m a boy.”

  * * *

  We were sitting on Kayla’s bed and she was sitting behind me, braiding my hair. I wasn’t being much fun as I was still brooding from the scene at lunch.

  “Why do you let what Pete and them say bother you?” Kayla asked, sensing my thoughts.

  “Because, bottom line, they’re right.” I said.

  Kayla stopped braiding my hair and said, “Oh?”

  I shook my head and said, “No, I’m not gay. I mean, I’m not like them. I’m not masculine.”

  “So? What’s wrong with that? I don’t care that you’re not Mr. Macho.”

  I shook my head and said, “No, you don’t understand.” I fought the temptation for a moment, and then decided I had to get it out. “I’ll never be like them. I’ll never really be a man.”