I'm with the Band
Page 17
“Do you think it’s fair to Tommy? By going on dates, he’s going to think he’s in a real relationship.”
“Mom, he’s sixteen and I’m fourteen. He’s had five girlfriends in the past year. I don’t think ‘relationship’ is high on his list. Like I said, I’m not marrying him and …and if he, ah, tries anything, um… funny… I know how to say ‘no’.”
Mom frowned and said, “I would hope so. But will you? Sadly, many girls can’t hold on to that conviction when the boy they think they’re in love with starts pressuring them for sex.”
John got up and headed for the door saying, “Fuck man, this is totally grossing me out. I can’t listen to this anymore!”The door slammed behind him.
“John!” Mom shouted at the door. She waited a moment to see if he’d return. When he didn’t, she turned back to me and said, “This isn’t an issue of you maintaining your virtue. You’re hiding a secret. A secret that would be devastating to you and to John and the guys. And devastating to Tommy. The press would have a field day with that story.”
“Mom!”I cried. “It’s just a date! Stop being so dramatic! Please say I can go out with him!” I couldn’t believe myself that I was asking Mom for permission to go on a date with a boy. Part of me found what I was doing to be very disturbing.
Mom shook her head and said, “I probably shouldn’t, but Tommy seems like a pretty decent kid. You can go out, but make sure you don’t get so caught up in the moment, and forget who you really are.”
I couldn’t believe myself. I was almost shaking with glee. I said, “I won’t Mom. I promise. I’ll be a good girl.”
* * *
Mr. Winters’ office called rather early in the morning. Hal Winters wanted Mom and me to come by his office that morning. He had some things for me.
Mr. Winters’ secretary opened his office door and let us through. Mr. Winters rose from his seat at his desk and walked around to the front of the desk to greet us and shake Mom and my hands.
“Good morning, ladies!” he said cheerfully as he walked back around to his seat. “I won’t take up too much of your time this morning, since I planned mainly to let you folks get settled in this week before we start hitting it hard again.” He looked at us and noticed we were still standing. He gave us an odd look and said, “Please have a seat.”
As we sat down, Mr. Winters continued, “Michelle, I have a song I’d like you to learn.” He handed me some sheet music and a page apparently with lyrics.
I glanced quickly over the sheet and then said, “Mr. Winters, I can’t make heads or tails out of this.”
Mr. Winters chuckled and said, “Yes, I know. It looks like gibberish, but actually, it’s phonetically spelled. The lyrics are Japanese.”
I looked at Hal as if he’d just stepped off a space ship. I said, “Japanese? Why?”
Mr. Winters smiled and said, “Michelle, you are big in Japan. Absolutely huge! Your posters and your country single are selling faster than we can produce them. The studio wants you to record a song, possibly more, for the Japanese market. The song is written by one of the biggest song writers for the idol singers. This song is almost guaranteed to be a hit.”
I laughed and said, “Sure, I’ll do it. I think it’s crazy, but yeah, no problem.”
Mr. Winters smiled and said, “Good.” He handed me another set of phonetically written lyrics. “Learn this song too.” Looking at some papers on his desk, he said, “You are scheduled to shoot a video duet with… um… Maki Goto in about three weeks. She’s from Japan and she’ll get here a few days before the shoot so you two can learn the choreography.”
“Wow. I had no idea I was popular in Japan!” I exclaimed.
Again, Mr. Winters smiled and said, “You’re everybody’s favorite girl next door.”
I groaned and asked, “Why does that sound so much like an advertising slogan?”
Mom asked, “Is that all you needed us for?”
Hal shook his head and said, “Um, no. Just a couple of other items I wanted to give you a heads up for. Michelle, you have a photo shoot on Monday for some cosmetic ads. Once you get a home established and a fax machine or email, I’ll start sending you schedules and special events.”
He paused a moment and then said, “One other thing; about the signings you were doing at that music store. Let’s avoid doing that solo in the future. We usually like to arrange things. You know, stuff like having some of our security forces there and other staff. We usually alert the media, etcetera, etcetera.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to. It just sorta happened.”
Mr. Winters gave me a comforting smile and said, “I’m not upset. If it’s not organized, those kinds of things can turn into a zoo.”
He paused a moment, then got a curious look on his face. He said, “Michelle… um… how comfortable are you being a girl?”
I thought that was an odd question. I said, “Pretty comfortable, I guess. I don’t give it a thought, actually.”
Leaning forward in his chair, Mr. Winters asked, “Um… considering how natural you seem to be at it, have you given any thought to the idea of, uh, well… staying a girl?”
“Uh, no,”I said. “That’s a really weird thing to ask somebody, Mr. Winters.”
Hal laughed and said, “You’re very bright, young lady. But, uh… I want you to think about it some. As time goes by, it will become harder for you to merely pretend, even with your ah… condition.”
“To be honest Mr. Winters, I’d planned on going back to being just plain old me after the band fizzles in a year or so.”
Mr. Winters shrugged and said, “Give it some thought though. I know it sounds like a crazy idea. But your career isn’t going to fizzle in a year or so. That is, unless you just want it to. But at some point, you’re going to be asked do something in a bikini or even find that one gown you just have to have for some special event, but you can’t wear it because you have nothing on top. I have some connections that could help; you know therapists, hormones… even surgery… after you’re eighteen. You can be a huge star if you want it.”
“Thanks for the confidence, sir,” I said, shock settling in from what he just asked me to do. “I… I’ll think about what you said. That’s not exactly something you’d want to make a snap decision on, is it?”Actually, it’s insane.
* * *
We drove in silence for a few minutes. I still couldn’t believe what Mr. Winters had suggested. He wanted me to become a girl! The thought made cold chills run down my spine. Granted, there’re some aspects of being a girl that I really do enjoy. But being one, twenty-four seven for the rest of my life?
Finally I broke the silence, “Mom, what do you think of Mr. Winters’ suggestion?”
Mom hesitated a second before answering. She said, “I’ve two minds about it. On one hand, it’s just plain crazy. Getting a sex change operation just so you can be a recording star just seems insane. On the other hand, he’s right. In a few years, if you wanted to pursue a recording career as Michelle, it’ll be harder to hide the fact that you’re a guy. What do you think?”
“I’m shocked he’d suggest doing something like that. I’ve had a lot of fun being a girl, but I can always switch back just by washing my face and changing my clothes. And what if my career fizzles after I have a sex change? Then I’d be stuck being a girl for no good reason.”
Taking a moment to look away from the road, Mom said, “I’m just playing Devil’s Advocate… would that be such a bad thing?”
“Mom! Of course it would!”Would it really? I had a lot of fun going over to Kayla’s for an evening of girlie stuff. Playing with make-up, hair and nails and girl talk. Even with HRT, I’ll never be a complete man. Sure, I’d have facial hair and male features, but I still wouldn’t be able to completely function as a man. And is that really important? I’m not a girl just because I don’t have balls.
If
I had a sex change, I wouldn’t be a fully functional girl either. To Hell with it. I was born male, and I never had any desire to be female. Until now. No, scratch that. I don’t desire to be female.
I just enjoy it.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Mom. Let’s just forget about it.”
Mom gave me a smile of encouragement and said, “Of course, dear. Mr. Winters had no business even suggesting that.”
That’s right! I’m a guy, damn it!
We rode in silence for a few minutes. After a while, I said, “Mom. Do you think any of the dresses I already have would be good for my date with Tommy, or should we go look for a new one?”
* * *
Chapter 14
”Hey, bro!” called John as he stuck his head through the door of our hotel bathroom. “We need to talk, dude.”
I was standing in the bathroom, wearing nothing but the necklace Kayla had given me, my dark blue satin bra and matching panties and blue pantyhose trying to put on my make-up. I continued to apply my mascara as I asked, “What’s up, John? You know I can’t help you move tonight.”
John and Fritz had finally found an apartment they were going to share. Things were really changing fast. First, we were living away from Dad since he’s toiling away back home, and now for the first time, John won’t be around all the time. While he can be a real butt at times, it’s sad that family members are going their separate ways. And now Mom has changed her idea of what kind of house we’re going to get now that it’s just “us girls.”
“Why are you doing this?” asked John.
I put my mascara down and looked at John with a puzzled expression. “Doing what? Putting on make-up?”
Frowning, John stepped into the small bathroom, “That’s a good question, too. But my question is why are you going on a date? Are you gay?”
It was my turn to frown, “That’s two questions. I’m going out because Tommy asked me and no, I’m not gay. You already know that.” I went back to applying mascara.
“You’re right!” exclaimed John as he threw up his hands. “How could I possibly be confused about that while I’m talking to my brother who is wearing a bra, and putting on make-up to get ready for a date with a guy? And an actor, no less.”
I didn’t have an answer for him. I’d wrestled with this problem all day. I hadn’t lied to Mom when I’d admitted to having a crush on Tommy and that I thought he was cute. At the time, I was feeling especially girlie. And now, I was so excited about going on a date that I was about to burst.
I put my mascara down again and turned to face John, “I really don’t know what to tell you. I can’t explain my feelings. It’s very frustrating to me because no matter what I do, I’ll never be fully male and neither can I be fully female. It’s like I’m in a sexual purgatory.”
John bristled, “How many times do I have to apologize? You always have to rub my nose in it.” I started to say something, but he raised his hand to signal me to be quiet.
“Look,” John said, swallowing audibly, “I know it’s my fault that you’re standing there, looking like this. It’s my fault that you didn’t develop male characteristics. We asked you to be the girl in my band, and that was a direct result of the accident. And I’ll admit we wouldn’t have been a success without you. And I even understand, even though I don’t care for it, how it’s better for you at least for now, to continue pretending to be a girl in private instead of switching back and forth. But fuck man, how can you date a guy? And… and like, kiss?”John made a face as if he’d just tasted something ghastly.
“Jeez, man. You’re not being very fair. You’ve got your pick of girls, especially now that you’re getting famous. Am I just supposed to sit at home and watch television? Am I not going to be allowed to date?” I glanced at my watch. Tommy was going to be here in about forty-five minutes, and I wasn’t done with my make-up yet.
John said, “You have plenty of girl fans. Date one of them.”
I frowned and said, “Most of my female fans are around twelve and thirteen. And yeah, that’s sorta in my age group, but as a girl I shouldn’t be dating other girls.”
John looked puzzled and said, “Just pretend you’re a lesbian. Nobody’ll care about that.”
I shook my head, “The moms of those fans would care.”I grunted a laugh and continued, “and that’s funny. You don’t have a problem with me pretending to be gay.”
Smiling weakly, John said, “Well, because it’d be basically boy-girl. I was thinking…”
Interrupting, I said with a twinge of impatience in my voice, “John, I have a little over half an hour to finish getting ready. We can talk about this problem you have later. Since I’ve gone back to being Michelle full time and probably thanks to Kayla, I’ve discovered I’m very comfortable as a girl. At least for now. And as a girl, I don’t have a problem with going on a date with a boy. I could be wrong, since I’m not a shrink and I don’t play one on T.V., and I don’t have so much as a clue as to what it all means. So please, let me just finish getting ready, okay?”
John frowned and raised both hands up in a gesture of surrender, “Okay, man. I’ll back off. Just don’t kiss your boyfriends in front of me, okay?” Before I could say anything, he turned around and left the bathroom.
I just stood there a moment staring at myself in the mirror. A sudden burst of anger welled up inside me. I leaned closer to the mirror and said to myself, ‘Mike, just what the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind? I mean, look at you! Look at that girly mane of hair cascading off your shoulders that you spent most of the afternoon in a salon having fixed. Look at your perfect make-up and painted nails. What are you doing to yourself? And to top it off, you’re going to go out with a boy. You have lost your freakin’ mind!?’
I had a sudden thought about Kayla. A profound sense of loss swept over me. In the past few weeks, I’d probably never had been closer to her in my whole life, and at the same time, I couldn’t have been more distant. I felt tears start to well up, and I fought them back so I wouldn’t ruin my make-up. I twirled the small, cross shaped pendant on the necklace as I stared into the mirror.
* * *
Mom answered the phone. She talked briefly and then announced, “That was the front desk. They say there’s a young gentleman downstairs waiting for Miss Grayson.”
I was suddenly all nervous again. I asked, “How do I look?”
Smiling broadly, Mom said, “Beautiful! Absolutely lovely.”
I was wearing a dark blue satin dress that Brooklyn had bought for me a few months ago. The hemline was quite short, but the neckline looped around my neck hiding the fact that I have no cleavage. I guess a fourteen year old girl probably shouldn’t be showing much cleavage anyway, but sadly, I had none to show regardless. The skirt fitted tightly around my legs. Since I thought it improved my legs and matched my dress, I was wearing blue pantyhose. I was also wearing a pair of dangly fake diamond earrings. Completing the look was a pair matching dark blue strappy sandals with three inch heels. I also had a small clutch purse into which I put a compact, lipstick and a few other essentials.
I showed my teeth to Mom and asked, “I don’t have lipstick on my teeth, do I?”
Mom shook her head and said, “No, they’re fine. You’re gorgeous and he’s waiting.”
I smiled nervously, “Okay. I’m ready, but Mom, why am I so jittery? It’s not like I haven’t been out with him before in some way.”
“Because then, you didn’t care if he liked you. Now you do.”
“I didn’t think about that. I think you’re right, Mom.”
Mom sighed and said, “And I’m still not sure if this is a good idea or not.”
Feeling frustrated, I said, “It’s a little late for that discussion, isn’t it? We can talk about what all this means some other time. I have to go!”
Mom gave me a hug and a little kiss on the cheek, “Have fun and
be careful.”
“I’ll be a good girl; don’t worry.”
I could see Mom’s eyes getting watery as she said, “My little girl is all grown up!” I think Mom needs a shrink more than I do.
“Bye Mom!” I said as I disengaged myself and headed for the door.
As the door closed, I heard Mom call out, “Don’t forget to tell him you have to be home by eleven!”
I walked confidently down the hall towards the elevator, my mind a complete blank. As the elevator door closed and my descent began, my confidence began to erode. I still couldn’t give myself a rational answer to John’s question to why I’m going on a date with a guy. Tommy’s advances used to annoy the crud out of me, and the thought of being kissed by him made me want to hurl.
As the prospects of being kissed by Tommy passed through my thoughts, a warmness enveloped me, making me feel all gooey inside. I pushed the feeling aside. I was almost to the ground floor. I felt a sudden panic as I thought Mom was right. I’m fooling Tommy by going out. Am I fooling myself as well? My giddiness evaporated as this whole adventure suddenly felt so wrong. Maybe I should press a button for a floor before I get to the bottom so I can go back up and call it all off?
My finger lingered over the second floor button. I closed my eyes and screamed inside my head, ‘Oh God! What do I do? What, what?!’
A chime sounded and the elevator door slid open. Tommy was standing there by the elevators, looking handsome in his jacket and tie. He smiled broadly when he saw me. My God, he’s gorgeous!
“Hello, Tommy,” I cooed.
Smiling, he shook his head, “I would never thought it possible, but you’re more beautiful than ever! It’s so good to see you again, Michelle.” He leaned forward and put his arms around me. As he kissed me lightly on the cheek, he whispered, “I really missed you,”and then he stepped back.